My partner has locked his devices

[Biscuitybiscuit]

My DP has locked his phone and laptop, I have been guilty in the past of snooping and found things I wasn't happy with. We are in our fifties and have both had trust issues but have overcome many hurdles in the past and love each other to bits, he treats me so well. Should I just accept whatever he looks at on his phone is his business.

Our devices are locked but we both know all codes. We use each other’s sometimes. I never looked my DH’s browsing history, he never looked mine but none of us would find anything remotely suspicious or inappropriate.

@pollygartertidywife

If you just think of a phone/device as the modern equivalent of an old fashioned diary .. where someone's personal thoughts and activities are Contained ... then you can't go wrong. Would you read their diary ? If yes - then you need to leave.

If no. Then don't snoop on phones either . No different.

You can not possibly compare a diary to the internet that is ridiculous. You can't obtain porn prostitutes dating sites hook up sites etc with a diary can you !!!!!

@PaddleBoardingMomma
Yes, we do the same. And now if DD is the closest she will shout : Mum, you’ve got txt from Jess. She says Friday is ok.
I knew it’s not always like this but I’ve thought it’s the normal set up.

We’ve been together decades, I know all his passwords, and I have never and would never snoop on his devices. It’s an abuse of trust and disrespectful…

My bf is rubbish with technology so I had to help him set up the fingerprint lock on his phone 😂
@greenlynx do you not have locks at all? Or just all know your passwords?

Having snooped on my exh and found evidence of his affair, I know how helpful it can be to snoop - he was refusing to leave, and my having evidence (and thus feeling more able to defy him energetically) was what finally got him to go. But of course snooping isn't morally or legally defensible.

With my current bf I wouldn't snoop. Partly as I wouldn't need any evidence to end it if I was suspicious - I could do so easily. And partly as I've had time to digest what happened with my exh, and realise that actually, what I want is a partner that treats me really well. My exh didn't do that, and that alone should have given me the confidence to make him go.

@Ladybugzrock thxxx and

*When this unsaid dynamic is suddenly changed that is a concern. And does need discussing, watching and taking seriously.

Sometimes however the snooping comes with other just weird spidey senses, and your need for personal safety, sexual, physical, mental and emotional kicks in. So someone who has never snooped finds something devastating.*

• yes, that's the thing. It has to be taken seriously.

@AlDanvers

But the thing is, we never did look in each other's phones, etc. We did respect each other's privacy. But we didn't need a lock to do that.

Our phones are locked with facial recognition but we know each other's codes too. I've never looked through his phone which he constantly leaves around and in my bag in nights out. I doubt very much he's looked at mine. However I did use to look at my EXH's phone on a regular. My spider senses were off the Richter scale and I usually found something too. Other women usually. When I left him I made a pact with myself that if I ever felt the need to "snoop" I was in the wrong relationship. Might sound simple but thankfully DP has had a similar experience and totally agrees. I feel secure and so it's the last thing on my mind. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's the pits 😞

[quote PerditaPerdita]@AlDanvers

But the thing is, we never did look in each other's phones, etc. We did respect each other's privacy. But we didn't need a lock to do that. [/quote]
Snooping isn't respecting privacy. In which case I understand why someone who had, had their privacy invaded would have a lock on their phone. Doesn't mean they don't share their whole sleeves pr are hiding anything. People should have a lock on anyway, incase they leave their phone somewhere.

And your 'respecting eachothers privacy' didn't ensure your OH didn't start hiding things. Him locking his phone didn't end your relationship. His actions did and not having a lock or letting you have access didn't prevent it. Despite having access to his phone, he didn't show you his whole self.

You also said you should be prepared to share it all to ensure your partner emotional peace (or similar). I disagree. If your partners emotional peace is based on wether they can look through your phone, then the relationship is already in trouble. And emotional peace will not be restored by being able to go through someone's phone. Most people who don't find something, presume it's just well hidden.

Besides which, you can have your phone locked and still see notifications. My phone is locked but Dp can see notifications, if I asked him to. And I could see his. I dont need his code to trust him.

You can have your phone locked and not hide everything. You can have your phone locked and be trust worthy and not be hiding anything. You can not mind your partner seeing notifications in passing, using your phone on occasion but not want them to go through it all.

As I said access to a phone doesn't make or break a relationship.

@ravenmum
Yes, we know each other passwords

I don't know DH's passcodes. I trust him and I feel no need to check up on him.

@PerditaPerdita

Thank you for sharing that.

A relatable nightmare, I'm so sorry.

xx

Not acceptable to snoop your partner's devices. Sort out why you cant trust him and if you can't then there is no relationship imo.

Both my bf and I have our devices locked but we know the passwords to our phones (which we forget as rarely use it, only if one is driving or the phone is somewhere else or I'm cooking and want him to check the recipe). I've never checked his messages though and I don't think he would mine.

I have my phone always locked. If someone got into my phone and got all my saved passwords it would be the keys to the kingdom.

Mine are always locked. My messages and emails are no one else's business. If I were in a relationship, it still wouldn't be their business. This prevalent idea that because you're in a relationship, you have no right to privacy is one of the reasons I no longer seek to be in one. I find it ridiculous.

If you've both had trust issues in the past and he has form for having shit on his phone he shouldn't, then I think him suddenly putting on passcodes isn't a great sign tbh.

Ask him why. Ask him why they are locked, and can you have the access code. if he refuses, or mutters some shit about being entitled to his privacy, theres your answer.

@Bookworm20

If you've both had trust issues in the past and he has form for having shit on his phone he shouldn't, then I think him suddenly putting on passcodes isn't a great sign tbh.

Ask him why. Ask him why they are locked, and can you have the access code. if he refuses, or mutters some shit about being entitled to his privacy, theres your answer.

Er, but he is entitled to his privacy - just as anyone is! That makes no sense.

This thread is almost fortnightly now and the overall sage conclusion is that it's about trust more than secrecy.

Of course he’s entitled to privacy. But if he’s done things before on his phone which broke his partners trust, then surely his ‘privacy’ on that phone should become secondary to rebuilding his partners trust.

@Bookworm20

Of course he’s entitled to privacy. But if he’s done things before on his phone which broke his partners trust, then surely his ‘privacy’ on that phone should become secondary to rebuilding his partners trust.

Well this is the issue. Ops barely been back and been very vague.

She says she found photos. It could be porn or it could be sexting a colleague. Or it could even be that someone sent it on whatsapp and it saved to his phone automatically and he told that person to never send him things like that again. Op could have snooped every single day for ages and never found something then jumped on this.

Really it could even be someone's holiday snap they sent him.

They could have had a converstation about porn where op has told him that it's a deal breaker for her. Or she may not have done, in which case its less serious than if he had agreed not to look at porn.

We also don't know how long ago it was. It could have been years ago and she has been snooping since, no matter what he does to build trust, and never found anything else and he has now got fed up.

Theres not enough to go on.

[quote Onthedunes]@Notsuchaniceguy

It's no surprise really that she is wary of your new phone lock if she previously had access to it.

You have separated so you either reassure her and want to get back together or you make things worse by acting defiantly.

Many couples have access to each others phones but dont look, but you have lost her trust and are expecting that trust back because you want to keep your conversations private that relate to your wife, by the sounds of it.

Stop discussing your marriage with others it might help.[/quote]
What hypocritical bollox !

MN chat boards are almost ALL about relationships ! There are ENTIRE boards dedicated to 'relationships' 'divorce &separation ... or perhaps only women are allowed do discuss there spouses in here.

*CollierResponder88

You can not possibly compare a diary to the internet that is ridiculous. You can't obtain porn prostitutes dating sites hook up sites etc with a diary can you !!!!!
*
As my phone does not contain Porn, prostitutes and dating sites. I would say MY PHONE, my DH & Adult dcs phones are VERY much the equivalent to Diaries. My phone contains a blog I write, MN posting, WhatsApp conversations between friends and family. All the type of thing I would include in a diary pre the tech age.

If YOU suspect your DH having the type of content on his phone that you suggest.. then you have no trust and relationship is done. Snooping isn't necessary.

I don't agree with snooping but then I don't think having naked photos of others on your phone is acceptable, be that porn or not. My boyfriend is fully aware of my views on porn and that I won't be with someone who watches it. I don't go on his phone as I trust him, but sounds like you don't trust your husband. Maybe try talk through things with him.

@saraclara

I'm surprised that anyone doesn't have their devices locked. I airways have. And if I had a partner who snooped, of course I'd lock them.

Why would you lock your kit if you've got nothing to hide? Neither me or my husband feel the needs to lock our stuff because we have no reason to worry that the other is hiding something. I don't randomly "snoop" - because I trust him, and him me.

Bizarre.

@PerditaPerdita

We never even thought to lock our devices with passwords. There was total trust.

Then one evening, after a new mutual acquaintance had come into out life through work, a woman who had had multiple affairs on her DH, an odd text message appeared in my DP's phone (in preview - phones not only weren't locked, but all messages flashed up on the screen as they arrived).

I saw it as his phone was on the kitchen island and we often, if a message or call came in, looked at it snd gave the phone to the other.

I said this is a weird message from her. Don't engage in private c versatile suggests her. She's clearly got a thing for you.

Result? He put codes on all his devices. She shamed him - said he was 'entitled to his privacy'. The path was set. The unquestioning trust between us was demolished bit by bit, with calculated, triumphant lies and manipulation. It was like a fresh field of snow for that female sociopath. Fun beyond her wildest dreams.

He had a breakdown. Turned on his own family. Turned to (posh, 'recreational') drugs (encouraged/introduced by her). Had psychotic episodes. His mental state was an expression of his inability to cope with the deception and fracturing of his family base. He falsely imprisoned and threatens our lives. We were 'saved' by her on FaceTime saying 'don't kill them, baby, or how will we see each other if you go to prison?'.

The trauma for us was indescribable. The exit route long and deeply damaging, snd has involved the effective demolition of my life and self. The repercussions wide through our families, mine in particular. He is now left in tatters, a broken liability in OCD playing on a loop of chronic, paranoid jealousy over me. Over the loss of me. Our home. Our little family. And I can't even speak of the impact on our child.

She, naturally, neatly side-stepped into a charmed post-divorce life with generous settlements, lunching out on the next instalment of her outrageous adventures with the foreign builder.

Do I think it's ok to have devices locked and material on a phone that would ruin our lives if my partner read it?

No.

I think that if you need to lock it, there's something very wrong.

You shouldn't mind if they look. You should protect their emotional stability and deserve their trust, and they yours.

What we had was how it should be. There was no snooping, or invasion of privacy, because we were happy to show each other everything of ourselves.

Some people don't get that.

I agree completely with this. You have a very different perspective once you've been cheated on.

I have pin codes and fingerprint login on my phone but me and my wife use the same pin code and have each others fingerprints on each others phones - she is free to use mine and look at anything on my phone, laptop, ipad. I don't understand why - if you have or are trying to build a relationship based on trust - why you would have anything to hide. Speaking bad about your partner behind their back? Confiding more in friends than your partner? Or worse? Hiding spending, gambling or other habits?

I also consider two other things - first, if one of us was without a phone or it was out of battery and one fell ill or there was a situation where I needed access to a phone number or some item of personal info or to be able to log in to an account - it helps a lot to have access to you partners phone/device.

We have all our passwords in a password manager (Bitwarden - it's free - works on all platforms) so she can login to my facebook, messenger, whatsapp, signal, instagram, twitter - whatever - anything she likes. We both use the same Amazon and ebay etc accounts.

So secondly, I considered what a problem it would be if I kicked the bucket and she was unable to login to sort out anything financial - so I have her interests at heart.

I also use some lesser known social media sites and chat to people all over the world - have done for years - she is free to look at anything she likes - I have mainly female "friends" in India, Canada, Finland, The Netherlands, Sweden, Norway, the US - people I have talked to for 15+ years in some cases - we share the same creative interests mainly.

In fact we both share her fb account for keeping in touch with the kids and common friends but she might message her sister and I might message mine - I don't look at her messages but could if I wanted - I just don't feel the need.

We have access to each others emails, share banks accounts, etc - if you haven't got trust in a relationship surely it's a problem that must keep find it's way into your relationship and affecting it negatively.

If you say "I have trust issues" - surely you need to make overcoming them a massive priority otherwise you'll be dogged with problem of mistrust, anxiety and misery for years - surely it's going to sour every relationship unless you work on it and I mean properly.

The bottom line is that I'd never write or say anything about my partner that I wouldn't say in front of her anyway - we are honest with each other even when it's not easy because it's for the best in the long run. You need someone in your life who you can trust to tell you the truth, to tell you the things you need to hear, to tell you the things your friends often won't even tell you.

I know other couples that are the same - we each value our privacy - we never open each others letters but could if we wanted to. We don't look at each others messages unless there is a need to and generally there isn't.