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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dealing with inappropriate co-worker?

60 replies

Pearly999 · 15/02/2022 12:30

Sorry if this is a bit long winded, there is just a lot to talk over. I started a new job in September after recently qualifying from my Degree. I was very lucky to have gained a more senior position within 2 months of working, a new colleague started shortly after to fill my previous role. My new co-worker however is older and more experienced than me (career wise) and very inappropriate. At first I just considered him very flirtatious, he was very kind and friendly to everyone. The flirting however was taken a step too far, nothing uncomfortable just unprofessional, so I started mentioning my boyfriend in conversation. This seemed to put the message across for a while and he went and got another staff members number and hit it off with them. He left me alone for a week however and then the inappropriate flirting was back on, it also became much more sexual and just a bit weird. He made comments about how my trousers really showed off my bum, the next few days after I came to work in strait leg/looser trousers. He then told me how my figure was sexual no matter what I wore, tight or loose trousers. I told him his comments made me uncomfortable and he just didn’t seem to care. Around 2 weeks ago was when things started to go really bad, he found out from a co-worker that my boyfriend is quite a bit older than me and works in finance and banking. He cornered me in the break room basically telling me Im a gold digger and then telling me how my boyfriend is using me sexually. I very calmly told him how I wasn’t aware of my partners career when we met and even for a long time after dating, I also informed him our age gap is not that unusual (8 years). He has now gone about to other co-workers making load jokes calling my boyfriend ‘sugar daddy’, basically trying to humiliate me. I went to my manager and explained the whole situation to him, stating how he made me uncomfortable and had made these inappropriate jokes to everyone about my relationship. My manager told me how he does not want to upset or loose my co-worker as he is a good asset, so will do nothing about the situation. He also told me that although I don’t intend to be I am a ‘distraction’ to my male colleagues, so it is understandable that I few ‘hopeful’ comments. He also spoke to me how I do have an unusual relationship so that is why people gossip, however he will intervene where he feels necessary. I feel so awful like I am being blamed for his behaviour, I really don’t know what to do? The most he offered me was a closer parking space and alternative break times to avoid him. It is a really good career choice to work for this firm, so leaving would be a mistake or make things difficult for me. Any advice on what I could do or say to this co-worker would be helpful thanks.

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 15/02/2022 12:33

So your boss is condoning your colleagues sexuaĺ harassment

I would ring ACAS for support

TheOccupier · 15/02/2022 12:38

WTF? You don't owe this guy ANY explanations and you don't need to modify your clothing or behaviour. Is there no HR where you work?

blackdumpling · 15/02/2022 12:40

I would go to HR / your manager’s boss
This is completely not on
It must surely violate workplace laws in your country
Which prevent sexual harassment and the condoning of it
I would be careful to make sure you put all complaints in writing
Make it official
Make them put into words how they will action your complaint
So sorry you have been fobbed off & feel uncomfortable

The only other way I can see is if you give him a nickname
Like “old codger”
So anytime he makes a comment
Just say “oh god the old codger is at it again”
Make a joke of him

BlingLoving · 15/02/2022 12:41

IF you have an HR department, go straight there. If not, go above your current boss until you get a response. This isn't just a bit of inappropriate flirting, this is sexual harassment and it is being condoned and, in fact, supported/added to by your manager.

Depending on industry, consider discussing with union or solicitor. This is 100% not okay.

Also, do not attempt to diffuse any more. No more "explaining" why he is wrong or attempting to justify. Walk away, tell him he is making you uncomfortable. Do so loudly (if you can).

Do you ave a sense of how the other women in your office feel about this? is there someone you can talk to>

CandyLeBonBon · 15/02/2022 12:41

Fuck that shit. ACAS for advice. Your boss should get a disciplinary for those comments, as well as the colleague. That's appalling - these dinosaurs sound like they're back in the 80s!

RedRoseRay · 15/02/2022 12:48

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. Do not call him ‘the old coffee’ as suggested above. It’s a terrible idea. You’d be participating in his game. Write everything down, dates/times, exactly what was said so you don’t forget it. Go above your manager. Make a written complaint to HR and ask for a written response. Stop engaging with him. Every time he comments say loudly so everyone can hear ‘you’re making me uncomfortable’ then refuse to continue a conversation with him. Don’t defend yourself or your relationship to him or any of your colleagues.

RestingPandaFace · 15/02/2022 12:49

Is there is an HR function or a senior manager particularly a female one that you can talk to.

Put your concerns in writing to your manager with HR in copy and make it clear that you are not happy with his response.

If this man comments again don’t get drawn into the conversation, say something like “ you are being inappropriate and this is sexual harassment” and walk away.

Report him, in writing, every time.

RedRoseRay · 15/02/2022 12:49

codger

ForBooks · 15/02/2022 12:50

Speak to your HR department if you have one. Speak to ACAS.
Get a diary, Write down everything that's happened so far. Write the date you spoke to your manager and your experience. From now on record the date and time of everything he says to you that is remotely inappropriate. Build a case, I fear you are going to need it.

You might also want to read through your works staff handbook and code of conduct. There should always be one readily available for all staff. Take screenshots of it stealthily if you can, or if it's online email it to yourself.

You are not to blame here. The age gap is normal and not even remotely worth talking about. You can wear what you want as long as it sticks to the rules and guidelines of work. You could identical to Kate Beckinsale, and whilst yes people will double take and compliment. It does not mean you should be uncomfortable in your place of work or in general. Your manager is setting themselves up spectacularly.
Good luck.

User0ne · 15/02/2022 12:52

Keep a written record of all comments and your managers reaction. I'd also email your manager regarding the meeting you had with him outlining your concerns and asking him to confirm your interpretation of what how he said you should respond. I.e make him say in writing what he said verbally (it also gives him a 2nd chance to address the issue).

Then approach HR if needed. There is probably a "personal dignity" policy/something that addresses harrasment- read it.

Be prepared to move job/employer within the next 6-18m. Sorry - it sounds like sexual discrimination is well established where you are and that's never a good place to be.

ANameChangeAgain · 15/02/2022 12:53

Take notes, record exactly what was said, by whom and when. You'll need them later.
What sort of company is it? Do you have a hr department? Can you go over your bosses head?

Gooders1105 · 15/02/2022 12:53

This is absolutely outrageous. How dare they both sexualise you like this. Go to HR. Formally complain about both.
Your private life is just that: private. Don’t explain yourself to anyone. Is it work related? If not, state firmly ‘I don’t want to discuss my private life at work to you’. Assertive and clear.
Good luck, OP. Sounds like you’re brilliant at your job. They’re threatened by you.

ANameChangeAgain · 15/02/2022 12:53

Sorry pressed post before finishing. Agree with those who said don't fuel, retaliate or explain.

emmaluggs · 15/02/2022 12:54

But it’s not a good company to work for? They condone sexual harassment?

You need to get to HR I feel.

AlwaysColdTea · 15/02/2022 12:55

What everyone else said and I'll just reiterate. You don't owe him any explanation. All you ever need to say is, "Ok,' at most and record/report all of it.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 15/02/2022 12:55

Record everything.

Write a minute of the meeting you had with your boss and send it to them, asking them to agree it's an accurate account of the conversation.

Look up bullying and harassment policies.

Escalate to HR.

AlwaysColdTea · 15/02/2022 12:56

Some men enjoy making women, especially younger women feel uncomfortable. If he senses your discomfort, he'll.do it more, not less. If you ignore or grey rock him, he'll ignore you. You should still report it though.

Pearly999 · 15/02/2022 12:57

Sadly there is no official HR for the company, the manager is the business owner’s best friend (there families go on holiday together, so there relationship goes beyond professional). I am worried he will also just brush it under the rug. It is a graphic design/printing company and the owner also owns multiple businesses so only visits every 2/3 weeks. I will try and contact him and go with the dates/times and comments made. There is another senior female colleague who has witnessed a lot of his crude comments so hopefully she will back me up.

OP posts:
GracieLouFreeebush · 15/02/2022 13:01

Oh this is awful. I experience similar at work but luckily had a very supportive boss. I’m hoping you can go higher than your boss and make sure you include what they have said in the complaint. Keep a diary of everything they say, even the small stuff, showing the company how serious you are about this will hopefully give them the shove they need, if not you have a collection of evidence for the next step.

HelenRose1111 · 15/02/2022 13:01

As others have said, keep notes on who said what, dates & times, tbh I don't think it'd hurt to 'let' him see you're taking notes. Go to HR with your notes and make a formal complaint.

CPL593H · 15/02/2022 13:05

@User0ne

Keep a written record of all comments and your managers reaction. I'd also email your manager regarding the meeting you had with him outlining your concerns and asking him to confirm your interpretation of what how he said you should respond. I.e make him say in writing what he said verbally (it also gives him a 2nd chance to address the issue).

Then approach HR if needed. There is probably a "personal dignity" policy/something that addresses harrasment- read it.

Be prepared to move job/employer within the next 6-18m. Sorry - it sounds like sexual discrimination is well established where you are and that's never a good place to be.

All of this. I would also say union if you have one. Ensure that the (detailed and dated) notes of every incident are not recorded on any device belonging to the company, including a notebook or diary supplied by them and keep them at home.
LaBellina · 15/02/2022 13:06

Gather evidence and sue them.
Go to the press.
This is beyond disgusting and needs to stop.

Make sure you’re never alone with him and report him to the police if he never lays a finger on you. Also, stop explaining your private life and decisions to him. It’s none of his business.

LaBellina · 15/02/2022 13:10

If he ever lays a finger on you Hmm

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 15/02/2022 13:35

@LaBellina

Gather evidence and sue them. Go to the press. This is beyond disgusting and needs to stop.

Make sure you’re never alone with him and report him to the police if he never lays a finger on you. Also, stop explaining your private life and decisions to him. It’s none of his business.

Calm down there Erin Brockovich. You can't "sue" unless you have first gone through the company's procedures and going to the papers will get her the sack and a libel accusation.

LaBellina · 15/02/2022 13:37

Perhaps you can then come up with a solution for the OP @UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea?
Or are you just on here to show off your cool girl poster style ?