Dealing with inappropriate co-worker?

[Pearly999]

Sorry if this is a bit long winded, there is just a lot to talk over. I started a new job in September after recently qualifying from my Degree. I was very lucky to have gained a more senior position within 2 months of working, a new colleague started shortly after to fill my previous role. My new co-worker however is older and more experienced than me (career wise) and very inappropriate. At first I just considered him very flirtatious, he was very kind and friendly to everyone. The flirting however was taken a step too far, nothing uncomfortable just unprofessional, so I started mentioning my boyfriend in conversation. This seemed to put the message across for a while and he went and got another staff members number and hit it off with them. He left me alone for a week however and then the inappropriate flirting was back on, it also became much more sexual and just a bit weird. He made comments about how my trousers really showed off my bum, the next few days after I came to work in strait leg/looser trousers. He then told me how my figure was sexual no matter what I wore, tight or loose trousers. I told him his comments made me uncomfortable and he just didn’t seem to care. Around 2 weeks ago was when things started to go really bad, he found out from a co-worker that my boyfriend is quite a bit older than me and works in finance and banking. He cornered me in the break room basically telling me Im a gold digger and then telling me how my boyfriend is using me sexually. I very calmly told him how I wasn’t aware of my partners career when we met and even for a long time after dating, I also informed him our age gap is not that unusual (8 years). He has now gone about to other co-workers making load jokes calling my boyfriend ‘sugar daddy’, basically trying to humiliate me. I went to my manager and explained the whole situation to him, stating how he made me uncomfortable and had made these inappropriate jokes to everyone about my relationship. My manager told me how he does not want to upset or loose my co-worker as he is a good asset, so will do nothing about the situation. He also told me that although I don’t intend to be I am a ‘distraction’ to my male colleagues, so it is understandable that I few ‘hopeful’ comments. He also spoke to me how I do have an unusual relationship so that is why people gossip, however he will intervene where he feels necessary. I feel so awful like I am being blamed for his behaviour, I really don’t know what to do? The most he offered me was a closer parking space and alternative break times to avoid him. It is a really good career choice to work for this firm, so leaving would be a mistake or make things difficult for me. Any advice on what I could do or say to this co-worker would be helpful thanks.

I've already posted up thread reiterating the other good advice. Thanks for calling me cool 😎

That wasn’t a compliment but please take it as such, apparently you need it 😂

Don't bank on the other senior woman backing you up.

This place is a sexist pigsty, I suspect the owner has the same mindset if he's pals with your manager. You might have the law on your side but from a practical career point of view, I'd start looking for jobs elsewhere. You will not be able to progress in a workplace where you're being harrassed and that's what's happening here.

Although in theory reporting is the right thing to do, in practice you need to think carefully about what is actually in your own best interest. Sadly.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

Record everything.

Write a minute of the meeting you had with your boss and send it to them, asking them to agree it's an accurate account of the conversation.

Look up bullying and harassment policies.

Escalate to HR.

This is good advice. Although the employer does not have a HR department, they will have a grievance procedure.

Op, if you haven't already, put all this in writing to both worker and manager. Set out the facts - what was said, when it was said and the context. End with a sentence that states this behaviour is unacceptable, unwanted, constitutes sexual harassment and you expect it to stop immediately.

Follow up with a separate letter to the manager setting out what you said to him when you spoke to him, his reply and that you are 'disappointed and shocked' at this response. State that by not taking action he is condoning this behaviour in the workplace and that his own comments (that you are 'distracting' etc) are also not acceptable . End by stating that you want him to speak to the employee and put an end to the behaviour as it is creating a hostile working environment for you.Say you do not expect any retaliatory action as a result of raising these concerns.

This might work. If it doesn't, ask for a copy of the 'grievance procedures' or check what is said in your contract about resolving complaints, and raise a formal complaint. (With no HR and small company they may not have a grievance procedure s, so check ACAS for what is normal). They may take action when realising you are serious. In the meantime keep notes of any further incidents, emailed to yourself for evidence of date and time. Contemporaneous notes are always better than after the event.

Do be aware that if you have less than 2 years service then they may decide to dismiss you and are not obliged to give any reason or follow any process. If they do this you can't claim unfair dismissal but can claim of sex discrimination in employment tribunal. Having all this in writing in advance will mean you will have stronger grounds for a claim.

But there is a risk of standing up for yourself as you could be out of a job whilst going through the very slow Tribunal process. Only you can decide if that is a risk worth taking. However it sounds as if you have to do something and can't let this go on.

" The most he offered me was a closer parking space and alternative break times to avoid him."

Hang on, a closer parking space as in "to reduce the chances of women being assaulted"? Did he say why that was suggested, because I can only think of that reason and that suggests he knows exactly how threatened you feel and is still going to do nothing :s

Are you in the uk? Sounds like something from the 1980s!
Sorry you’re experiencing this.
Don’t engage in any conversation about your boyfriend or anything, as others have said you don’t owe an explanation.
Put things in writing/email, get your boss to repeat what he said to you in writing. Make things formal!

Hi OP
Sorry you’re going through this, there is no excuse and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Have I got this right?
Your boss and this ‘man’ are friends, the company is small and there is no HR department? Your boss has brushed ‘Man’s’ actions under the carpet and you are suffering from harassment?
The way I see it you have 3 options:

1. Report to acas and inform your boss AGAIN of his behaviour
2. Do not engage with man, do not answer any questions or respond to his and walk away when he starts making comments. Hopefully he will get bored and leave you alone or
3. start looking for another job.

Record him.

Hi op

Just to echo others, definitely keep a log. It was what won me my battle when I had one.

Despite not having a hr department they are still obliged to listen to you and take your complaint seriously. You don’t have to tolerate his behaviour for the sake of your job, you deserve better.

You say there is a senior female colleague - usually in a hr situation you’re allowed an independent support so you could request a formal meeting with your manager and say that “Sarah” will be joining too.

Take your manager through the log you’ve created and state you are unhappy that the desire not to upset the apple cart with “Bob” means you’re concerns are being dismissed.
Keep it factual and calm. Point out that you love your job and the company and want to find a solution.

Could someone speak to Bob discreetly and remind him how to behave. If it continues could he be provided with formal training? I’d suggest some ways you’d be able to feel more comfortable so that you don’t come to work feeling at risk of sexual harassment and worry that it is condoned by management.

OP, your new workplace sounds horribly toxic. I am afraid your only option at this point is to find another job. If people ask why you are leaving so quickly just say it isn't a good fit.

Sorry OP you are in a no win situation with this company. The managers are ignorant of their legal responsibilities and are clearly not prepared to support you.

Please look for another job.

@CaptSkippy

OP, your new workplace sounds horribly toxic. I am afraid your only option at this point is to find another job. If people ask why you are leaving so quickly just say it isn't a good fit.

I’m afraid the above is probably correct. It seems very odd that the brand new, older colleague making unacceptable remarks is already somehow a valued individual whom your boss doesn’t want to lose, yet he is doing nothing to appropriately value you. Your boss actually sounds rather complicit.

The most fair outcome would be for them to get raked over the coals, but if your boss is friends with the owner it’s not likely to happen, and you will sap your energy trying.

Instead, direct your efforts towards finding another job with the competition.

This is shameful behaviour from your boss and your colleague.

I was blamed for not tolerating my bully as he was clearly ‘not well but we need the staff’. And perhaps I might like to grow a thicker skin?

Ans to try harder to look presentable when my skin was raw from stress and my hair was falling out.

For all our so called ‘equality’ and all the right noises being made by management and PR people, we still have a long way to go.

A long way.

I’d your harasser is friends with the owner, ultimately you’re going to end up leaving so start looking for another job. In the meantime document everything and raise a grievance. It is likely to be brushed under the carpet but then you will have a case for constructive dismissal due to their failure to protect you from sexual harassment and you can sue their arses.

If your harasser, not I’d

Sadly no amount of 'friendly chats' with that kind of creep will work. He knows exactly what he's doing, he's enjoying it and your boss is colluding with it. I would recommend leaving as soon as possible, I did that myself when there was not just one but two creepy little men in a job I was quite happy with. Just thought, fuck it, I don't need this pussyfooting around by management (they did the quiet chats when I raised it, which was completely useless) when they should have come down like a ton of bricks on those men. So I left, went to two agencies and got a much better job, pay and prospects wise, inside 3 months. If you have that option, do consider it seriously. It's all very well saying to collect evidence and take them to court, but that's a long, lonely process and in the meantime it's stressing you to pieces, that's not good for you. As a pp said, just brush off any enquiries about leaving as 'not a good fit', or you want to explore other opportunities, which at this stage in your life is a good idea! Good luck.

The parking offer is to help protect you from sexual assault.

That implies that your manager thinks that is a possibility.

I think that he has acknowledged that a crime being committed is a possibility.

You have to put everything in writing.

Also confirming what his intention was re the parking.

You could also ring 101 for advice.
ACAS too of course.

Your manager sounds like a moron and a huge liability to the business.

Get everything written down and send it to the owner.

Start looking for another job too, just to be on the safe side.

I would be look at passing all correspondence to a local paper if you do not get a satisfactory outcome.

I told him his comments made me uncomfortable and he just didn’t seem to care.
Oh, he cares. he enjoys making you uncomfortable.
So next time, don't say this. Instead tell him that his comments are actionable, & he will be facing a disciplinary next time he makes one.

My manager told me how he does not want to upset or loose my co-worker as he is a good asset, so will do nothing about the situation
This is unprofessional & alarming.
You need to write down the date & time of this conversation, along with as much as you can remember about the timeline & comments from co-worker.

He also told me that although I don’t intend to be I am a ‘distraction’ to my male colleagues, so it is understandable that I few ‘hopeful’ comments
What a twat.
He has just told you that he condones misogyny in the workplace & that he is a victim-blamer.

He also spoke to me how I do have an unusual relationship
No you don't!
And this isn't about GOSSIP. This is about being sexually harassed in the workplace.
Again - write all this down. Include the revolting sexual comments co-worker made about your body, & ensure you are very clear in stating that you raised with with line manager & he dismissed your complaint & victim-blamed you.
Then contact HR, your Union, & your manager's manager.

You need to take a really hard line OP.
Also - if you are pally with or get good vibes from any senior Exec Assistants eg PA to Directors, confide in them, ask for advice & sisterly support.

This is mad. Why are you even engaging with this creep? Write out everything that's happened with a timeline and send it to HR. Tell them you're making a formal harassment complaint.

The problem here is all the previous comments rely on you going to HR, and there is no HR where you are.
If you're in a union, go to them right now, or strongly consider joining one if you're not because without someone in your corner on this then all you can do is leave.

Frankly, I don't see how this can end without you leaving because pursuing any kind of actual action here at all will put a target on your back, and trying to stay will require you to put up with this forever. :(

I'm actually wondering if what this will take is the old-fashioned response of having your boyfriend/large male friend pick you up from work one day and have the "I've got her back and if you don't back off then there will be 'trouble'" talk - these kinds of sexist pigs don't respect anything but you having a bigger boy on your team.

Why should she hide the real reason with euphemisms?

Go back to your manager with times/dates/details and warn him that you will be making an official complaint about this co-worker. I am appalled that he has not taken you seriously. Please phone ACAS and get advice. You can bring someone in for a meeting with your manager (not sure about a company, but at school, I took in a friend) when I was making a complaint. Choose the senior female colleague!

Sounds to me like he's deliberately trying to force you out of your job, so he can step into it!