Is my marriage dead?

[Calmamongthechaos]

So for the last two years both my partner and I have been working from home during then pandemic. It’s suits him just fine but it’s definitely not for me and I will be going back in some days as soon as I can. I feel like I live at work right now and it’s not good.

Partner has always had a lot of different hobbies but now he has no commute this has escalated. I would say sporting hobbies take up 6 days of the week and other hobby which he does in the house but is logged online is two evenings. Sporting hobbies are a mix of things - CrossFit/running. He’s always been like that and it’s never bothered me really until now.

Recently we took on a puppy, already having an older dog. They are both pretty high energy breeds and we expected a bit of a tough time going through puppy hood. At the moment, because the puppy is still young and a pest to older dog sometimes they need constant supervision and we haven’t yet worked out a way to leave them alone in the house but separate. Older dog would cope fine but puppy would not and we want to build it up slowly and not cause more problems down the line. The result is that I am effectively stuck in the downstairs of the house with them all the time while partner is out. Last week this amounted to about 12-13 hrs over evenings and the weekend. Before puppy, I would also got to the gym and do things as older dog can be left and is great.

I was already sick of life in the house all the time but I feel like shit. It doesn’t help that my looks have gone to shit in lockdown and partner spends no quality time with me. He’s always on his phone posting pictures/videos of his stupid bloody workouts. He does not try to have sex with me ever. When I initiated recently he wasn’t exactly ‘up’ for it which made me feel worse.

I’ve looked extensively for evidence of an affair and have found nothing. The odd reaction to a Instagram story from females at the gym but that’s it.

Last night I blew up and told him how I felt. He said that all I need to do is say and he’ll move a hobby for me to go to the gym but I never go to the gym at the moment so what is my issue. The problem with that is I feel like shit and therefore really unmotivated and depressed. It’s something I’m trying to snap out of but I just don’t function like him. He was appalled that I thought there might be something going on behind my back but when I set everything out for him I was like what do you expect me to think? He said I never initiate sex either but for me that’s down to how I look and feel right now with the weight I have piled on. As someone with a six pack and love of exercise he doesn’t understand.

I know my partner and I know full well that if I started eating into his hobby time he would get annoyed. He is one of those types that gets anxious if not exercising etc.

I don’t know how we move forward. He asked me what I wanted/what would make me feel better and all I could think was I want several weeks alone, no work, him, dogs, nothing, to reset myself. That’s obviously not very feasible but it’s how I feel. I just feel like deep down if I didn’t exist his life would run just as it does now and that can’t be right.

OP you sound really down and fed up, probably bored with life too, but I think this is more because of how things are going in your life in general (the puppy, feeling shit about your body), than because of your marriage. It’s completely understandable as it’s been a not very fun two years for many of us.

How would you feel if you were fitter, had some down time to reset, a job you liked, a hobby that you enjoyed etc? Would you be happier? Even though you are in a relationship it’s important to be responsible for your own life and your own feelings, and not expect someone else to prop you up. Obviously easier said than done but I don’t think this is about your relationship, it’s about you feeling down and dissatisfied with life.

Try and make some small positive changes, I think you’d feel differently in 6 months.

It seems like you are stuck in a massive rut and are blaming it on him, and jumping to the assumption of an affair. That's not fair and will only end badly.

Take him up on his claim he would stay in for the puppy. Make a puppy schedule to share the time fairly, until it's able to be left alone.

COVID and working from home has left lots of people in a rut. So it's time to make a plan to get yourself out of it. Think about what things make you feel good about yourself and energised. Reconnect with friends.

I don’t expect my partner to prop me up but I get nothing from him. I feel invisible in my own house. He doesn’t look at me in any kind of way and I don’t know how many times I repeat myself because he’s been on his phone and not listening. I appreciate what you’re saying but I can’t fix how he reacts/or doesn’t react to me.

And although a few weeks of nothing might be unfeasible, would it be possible to book a few days off work and go away somewhere on your own? Might be just the break you need.

Ok, this is what stands out about your post.
Lockdown has been hard on everyone, your partner however has found a way to cope/ thrive. By focussing on his workouts/ hobbies. That structure gives him what he needs and is probably why wfh / no commute suits him.

You have found it the total opposite (and there’s nothing wrong with that). I hate wfh and have pretty much been heading to the office 2/3 times a week (my employers kept offices open as much as they could for mental health reasons). But in addition to this, I too have structured my life around getting to the gym/ working out. Tbh I feel like covid has aged me too - the mental/ emotional pressure has been something else. You’re not alone.

However your partner seems as though he’s open to working with you. He’s asked you what you need. So what do you need? You say he will become resentful but don’t you at least need to give him the chance to try?

Re the puppy? Who’s decision was the puppy? What convos were had about the extra responsibility? Training / extra care etc? Was this not discussed before getting the puppy? How will it work with you wanting to return to the office?

I think you need to practically figure out what it is you need from your partner. I think your priority is to get your mental health in a better place - so what baby steps will help with that? Returning to the office? Getting to the gym? Speaking to your Gp?

I definitely got addicted to my phone in lockdown, my partner picked me up on it and I'm much better now. They are extremely addictive. I recommend the book How To Break Up With Your Phone. It's well researched, practical and also very funny.

I appreciate what you’re saying but I can’t fix how he reacts/or doesn’t react to me.

No you can’t, you can only work on you.
None of us can say whether you have a cold / neglectful/ emotionally removed husband. But it does come across that you’re hugely reliant on him as your source of happiness/ validation.

It’s a bit like what came first chicken or egg. Would you be happier if your partner was more attentive? Or would you be happier if you focussed on making yourself happy and by virtue of that it will crystallise whether your partner is augmenting that / detracting from it.

Tbh it sounds like he’s got his mental health/ resiliency etc intact. And come out of covid ok. People have relied on fitness etc as coping mechanisms, I know plenty of people who are fitter than they have ever been. But will openly say that exercise is the only thing that kept them going.

It was a joint decision to get the puppy. We use a walker/doggy day care to help out with this but that obviously doesn’t cover evenings and weekends. I’ve done the bulk of the puppy training and take it to classes. I went away for a few days last month and asked him to keep up training which didn’t happen which I was furious with because puppy had an assessment the following week. When he’s said to go out etc I’ve asked him to make sure he is supervising and he claims he is but I then discover damage done by puppy from chewing which could only happy if no one was watching or intervening to train them out of it. When puppy was out at classes I asked partner to leave older dog alone so he doesn’t get out of the habit and again this didn’t happen.

OP, the issue here is how you feel, you sound depressed. Absolutely take him up on his offer of you going to the gym once a week. And agree that he can’t dump you with the dogs at the weekend. He sounds like he was trying to make it better by suggesting things you can do - so do them. Get out of the house

Even if I was happy in myself it doesn’t really change the fact that his hobbies come first. I tried to book a weekend away with friends in a couple of months time and on getting diaries out it was a struggle to find a weekend where he wasn’t doing some kind of event or whatever. On those weekends I know I will be along with the dogs and will be stuck so I’ve got one weekend out of say 6 that is for me. Even if I looked and felt like a supermodel that would annoy me.

@Calmamongthechaos

I'm a massive dog lover but in this scenario I'd say for the sake of your mental health you need to find a new home for your puppy.

Sorry you are feeling low ATM op.

A few things occur to me from reading your op:

• I am not sure how old your puppy is but could your dp take at least one of the dogs out with him when he runs; that would seem like a sensible compromise?

• speaking bluntly, I don't think it is up to your dp to make you feel desirable but of course he should be sharing more of the housekeeping tasks equally to allow you to work on yourself a bit more. We generally are most attractive to others when we are feeling happy and fulfilled in ourselves. I think you need to work out an agreement with your DH that you both share equal time with the dogs and get equal time to go out? What are the things you like to go out and do?

• no I don't think your marriage is dead - the pandemic has been tough on relationships - but you need to sort this issue of equal distribution of tasks well before DC come on the scene.

• instead of confronting him with a burst of anger and frustration - work out precisely what you need from him to make this situation fair and equal (eg from now on I will be absent on Mon & Wed evenings for two and a half hours and Sat afternoons for three hours and need you to be available to look after the dogs at those times) - and present it to him with all the emotion removed from it. He may respond better to that.

• keep in mind the puppy will mature and behave better and the dogs will be able to be left alone together, and the pandemic will end eventually and you will return to the office.

Good luck

Note that he isn’t planning any holidays/weekends away with me. Pre lockdown I made all the vacation plans. Partner just had to pack and it was always all sorted. I’m not doing that anymore when effectively facilitating all of his leisure time.

@Calmamongthechaos
I feel you bro. The powerlessness ...
So I think this is what you need to work out. How to be empowered.
How about getting a dogsitter all weekend to enable you to go away?
As soon as you start to get out and do things you will feel so much better! I know I did.
It's the resentment that 'they' are getting out as 'they' don't seem to feel or understand the responsibility's that 'we' feel that seems to get me most down.
He sounds addicted to sport. He's coping- and selfish - like 3 out of 4 of my present and ex partners..
good luck working on stuff you want and figuring out the best way to make your life better xx

These are the things you need to tell him, then, when he asks what you want. Hopefully it will be a wake-up call for him. If not, then at least you know you tried.

Before the pandemic I used to have a few evenings a week after work at the gym and on the weekends, Pilates classes. I would go away myself at the weekends and visit family/friends elsewhere in the country. And not a hobby as such but l would love pottering around our city centre after work/weekend as there is quite a lot to see and lots going on. I looked after myself, regular hair/eyebrow/waxing apps. I recently struggled to book a bloody hair appointment because it had to fit in around a weekend timetable of training and workouts.

He sounds really selfish. You obviously cannot just pack up and do something for yourself as he wont take over at home.

I have just read your update op. You having one weekend in six is obviously unacceptable. You need to tackle him about this. He's married with the responsibility of dogs so it's equal shares all the way. I would be a bit assertive about this and say that from the beginning of March onwards you will be having two weekends each a month or one day each per weekend and make sure you book some activities for yourself so you don't become the default dog sitter person.

I understand how frustrating it is when you have both been involved in acquiring dogs and only one person is committed to putting in the work of training etc. This has happened with my DH too. But just because your DH didn't do it before, don't let him get away with it now. Persist!

I’m going into the office tomorrow which I can’t wait for but all I can think is that I need to blow dry my hair so I don’t look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge (major curl situation and it takes hours!) and partner will be out for several hours this evening and it’s not doable. That sounds ridiculous I know but it’s the puppies mad time of the day and it needs policing. I honestly feel like just not coming home after work tomorrow.

Well he hasn't exactly asked for permission has he op, so why should you?

I think it would teach him a lesson if you stayed out late after work tomorrow tbh.

Are you actually married? You say partner, not husband. I would rehome the puppy and emotionally detach from the partner. Focus on what you do, not him. Take back some agency - you life is as you allow it to be. If that's unhappiness (totally understandable at the moment) then big changes need to be made, but by you, not him.

We are married, sorry for the confusion, don’t feel like describing him as DH at the moment. To also be clear, we have no plans for children, our choice completely, although this has served as an insight into what it would be like if we had chosen that for ourselves.

He needs to be open to reducing hobby time and spending some quality time with you. On your part regarding body image - only you can sort this. Dig deep and think about taking on some sort of fitness plan of your own, maybe combine with dog walking and ask OH to accompany you. He also needs to take at least 50% responsibility of dogs, especially if he is home in the day. Have a further chat together and try to negotiate a better deal instead of coming across as moaning or needy to him. Your OH may not do chores/puppy care to your exact standards but with a little positive prompting may get the message. I suspect you have just taken on the majority of the work (seems easier at times) then reached crisis point and now full of resentment. Just try communicating with each other.

I can try to see if he will accept it but I haven’t high hopes. In the midst of the argument he was at pains to point out that when I was away a couple of weeks ago he had only gone to train twice as though this was some major sacrifice and that really pissed me off. Last weeks evenings, except the day I took the dog to training classes went like this:

4-5 joint dog walking after work (we do enjoy this to end the working day) but then:
5-8 - gym/training (includes travel time)
8-9 - sits on phone posting about gym/messaging mates from said gym
9 - husband goes to bed as he is ‘tired’ from his workout. I stay up and deal with bedtime wees for dogs and settling pup.

That’s 4/5 nights a week including a Friday. When I was away he actually asked me to be back by a certain time on my return day so he could go work out.

I should point out that’s week day evenings, the weekend itself was a whole other story…