Is my marriage dead?

[Calmamongthechaos]

So for the last two years both my partner and I have been working from home during then pandemic. It’s suits him just fine but it’s definitely not for me and I will be going back in some days as soon as I can. I feel like I live at work right now and it’s not good.

Partner has always had a lot of different hobbies but now he has no commute this has escalated. I would say sporting hobbies take up 6 days of the week and other hobby which he does in the house but is logged online is two evenings. Sporting hobbies are a mix of things - CrossFit/running. He’s always been like that and it’s never bothered me really until now.

Recently we took on a puppy, already having an older dog. They are both pretty high energy breeds and we expected a bit of a tough time going through puppy hood. At the moment, because the puppy is still young and a pest to older dog sometimes they need constant supervision and we haven’t yet worked out a way to leave them alone in the house but separate. Older dog would cope fine but puppy would not and we want to build it up slowly and not cause more problems down the line. The result is that I am effectively stuck in the downstairs of the house with them all the time while partner is out. Last week this amounted to about 12-13 hrs over evenings and the weekend. Before puppy, I would also got to the gym and do things as older dog can be left and is great.

I was already sick of life in the house all the time but I feel like shit. It doesn’t help that my looks have gone to shit in lockdown and partner spends no quality time with me. He’s always on his phone posting pictures/videos of his stupid bloody workouts. He does not try to have sex with me ever. When I initiated recently he wasn’t exactly ‘up’ for it which made me feel worse.

I’ve looked extensively for evidence of an affair and have found nothing. The odd reaction to a Instagram story from females at the gym but that’s it.

Last night I blew up and told him how I felt. He said that all I need to do is say and he’ll move a hobby for me to go to the gym but I never go to the gym at the moment so what is my issue. The problem with that is I feel like shit and therefore really unmotivated and depressed. It’s something I’m trying to snap out of but I just don’t function like him. He was appalled that I thought there might be something going on behind my back but when I set everything out for him I was like what do you expect me to think? He said I never initiate sex either but for me that’s down to how I look and feel right now with the weight I have piled on. As someone with a six pack and love of exercise he doesn’t understand.

I know my partner and I know full well that if I started eating into his hobby time he would get annoyed. He is one of those types that gets anxious if not exercising etc.

I don’t know how we move forward. He asked me what I wanted/what would make me feel better and all I could think was I want several weeks alone, no work, him, dogs, nothing, to reset myself. That’s obviously not very feasible but it’s how I feel. I just feel like deep down if I didn’t exist his life would run just as it does now and that can’t be right.

Fuck him. Tell him if it doesn't change the relationship is over and mean it. You don't get anything out of this. Rehome the puppy.

@Calmamongthechaos

I can try to see if he will accept it but I haven’t high hopes. In the midst of the argument he was at pains to point out that when I was away a couple of weeks ago he had only gone to train twice as though this was some major sacrifice and that really pissed me off. Last weeks evenings, except the day I took the dog to training classes went like this:

4-5 joint dog walking after work (we do enjoy this to end the working day) but then:
5-8 - gym/training (includes travel time)
8-9 - sits on phone posting about gym/messaging mates from said gym
9 - husband goes to bed as he is ‘tired’ from his workout. I stay up and deal with bedtime wees for dogs and settling pup.

That’s 4/5 nights a week including a Friday. When I was away he actually asked me to be back by a certain time on my return day so he could go work out.

Have you said all of this to him? If so, what was his response?

I said last night I thought we had taken too much on/it was possibly the wrong time to get a second dog. His response was ‘well what did I expect getting a puppy’. I certainly didn’t expect to be a prisoner in my own home that’s for sure. We’ve had the puppy for almost 4 months and she is now 7.5 months and such a long way to go before she calms down a bit. This obviously isn’t the scenario I had envisaged. I knew it would be hard but in a more ‘we’re in this together’ sort of a way, the same as when we got dog 1. We aren’t new to this and have done it all before. He was horrified at the suggestion that perhaps a second dog was too much work.

@Sweetlikejollof yep, all pointed out and totted up the hours for him. I think he feels like if he has free time he can fill it will stuff (that doesn’t involve me) and he was very much like, well you aren’t going to the gym at the moment so what does it matter. On Friday I asked if he was going to the gym that evening and he said yes and asked why, and I said well it’s Friday I thought we might go with the dogs to a dog friendly pub for food/drinks and his response was can’t, going to the gym.

I think he feels like if he has free time he can fill it will stuff (that doesn’t involve me) and he was very much like, well you aren’t going to the gym at the moment so what does it matter.

So, free time is only required for going to the gym? No other activities exist and basic downtime is unnecessary? Your husband sounds like a meathead. I’m sorry, but wtf?

If he’s horrified at the idea that the second dog is too much work, then tell him to do the work. There’s an element of passivity in your posts, almost like you’re just letting life happen to you. You have agency, you don’t need to just do what’s convenient for him.

Why are you married to this person? What are you getting out of this relationship? What joy does he bring you?

I am not sure this is salvageable. He is being entirely unreasonable and doesn't care about your point of view.

Have you tried writing it all down in an email where he can't either stop listening or argue back? You could draw up a plan for a week to show how you can both get your needs met.

If that doesn't lead to a proper discussion and compromise, all you can do is either start asserting yourself by leaving unexpectedly when he is in the house, so he has to take care of the puppy, and texting him to say where you are. Or just leaving him, full stop. (Maybe temporarily to star with to see if he comes to his senses)

It’s like he can’t sit still. As well as the gym he’s training for a triathlon so it’s never ending. I put the stop to a marathon pre Xmas as pup was very new to us then and I had a lot of pre Xmas stuff (parties/meals out) (unfortunately cancelled due to omicron dammit). I pointed out then that that would be very unfair and he didn’t sign up for it in the end. That he has his calendar so booked out already for this year makes me think it’s deliberate.

Before all this I think I made 95% of any plans. I don’t think we would go anywhere together now if I didn’t sort it. It’s my birthday in a few weeks and we are away for the week in the Uk with the dogs. I booked this of course after two lockdown birthdays with fuck all effort and I’m already dreading the disappointment. Husband also had a lockdown birthday which I put a lot of effort into and one last year where his family came as a surprise (again all organised by me) and stayed after not seeing them due to Covid. You’re right, it’s not great is it.

You've done the right thing by communicating how you feel. He has said he will.move some hobby time so you can do more for yourself so hold him to that. Can you try planning stuff to do together a few days in advance rather than at the last minute. Eg say mid-week it would be nice to go to the pub on Friday night. My DH can be a bit inflexible if he has already planned in his mind what the day will look like but he's fine with a couple of days advance notice. Can you come up with a rota about who does what for the dogs so it is shared more fairly? Plan a trip or special outing for a couple of months ahead so you have something to look forward to?

I think if you have a discussion and he isn't amenable to any changes or agrees to them but doesn't do them then you will continue to be left feeling as you do now. The other option is counselling of course. I've done it with my DP in the last and it did help to have a dedicated talking time.

So, what are you going to do about it? Again, you have agency. You do not need to continue living like this unless you choose to.

Sounds like the puppy situation was either not thoroughly thought through or DH is not pulling his weight. A bit of give and take is required from both of you & better communicate. I do this, sit on something and then let it explode in one go to a surprised audience rather than communicate early on.

You both need to decide whether you want to keep the puppy and if so agree on how to handle its needs. Ideally you should start doing things together.

If the time the puppy takes is a big issue and you want to keep it can you get a dog walker/sitter to take it on some of the time so you can both goto the gym?

We have a walker a couple of times a week for our other dog and pup has started going as well. Both also occasionally go to doggy day care if we need it. That only covers the working day however so it doesn’t really free me up to do other things although it is a help. No weekend day care nearby unfortunately. Time walking isn’t really the issue either as again, that’s added on to our working day and is part of that routine.

It’s that while puppy is still young and crazy we have to watch it with the older dog and to supervise it out of any bad behaviours such as chewing etc. So that means someone has to be home, it means no time alone in the house while partner is out to relax, do some self care etc. I tried an exercise video online and it was a disaster as both dogs thought it was playtime. So I’m stuck essentially while he is out which is basically all the time. Realistically it’s going to be the rest of this year before we have a hope of puppy calming down and I can’t bear the thought of it.

Two issues here:

1. Unfair split of puppy duties. Sounds like this one might be relatively easily fixed - you need to tell him when he is on puppy duty but once you’ve done that he will do it, he says. (Although if he does it but is resentful about it that’s still an issue).

2. The fact he doesn’t see any need to spend time with you or organise things to do together. That any time he is not working or on puppy duty, he is choosing to work out rather than see you. The lack of sex.

This is a much bigger issue. I am not sure how you fix this one. (I have been in a similar position myself and never managed to fix it).

Why did you get married? What did you enjoy doing together?

Your updates get worse and worse op.

You must wonder what he expects a marriage should look like? That he behaves as if he is single?

You say this all started during the pandemic when he switched to home working? Are you sure he isn't battling depression or something? He sounds almost obsessed.

It's ridiculous that he can't commit to spending one evening with you on a Friday for example. Or one evening a fortnight maybe?

And even if he conforms to your immediate demands, you don't want to be put in the position of being your husband's gate-keeper all the time. You need him to wake up and start engaging with the marriage properly for his own sake and start taking some initiative.

Unless there is some underlying mh condition going on then he is behaving unreasonably and I think you would be justified in instigating a temporary separation to make it clear you will not sit around being compliant waiting for him to come through the door for much longer.

A quick comment on a practical doggo level. Get a cage for the puppy. Get one large enough for him to grow into. My friend has a collie and she goes into her cage now to sleep. It is a really good way to get a couple of hours peace for your older dog and to calm down the puppy.

We’ve been together 10 years, married for 3. We met at uni, have the same career and trained at the same times. Before lockdown we had a really nice life together, lots of travel, big foodies, lots of house projects over the years which we worked together on well. Husband has always had the gym/hobbies and so have I. Then his gym mates used to joke that they thought I was made up as they couldn’t believe anyone would put up with his training schedule. I had a lot on myself and we did do other things together so it never bothered me.

A lot of the things we enjoyed together stopped because of covid I guess and covid didn’t stop some of his training like running/cycling. Having a dog didn’t get in the way before and we live in a super doggy friendly place where there isn’t many places you can’t take them. We are in the north west so really restricted throughout the pandemic.

We tried to recreate the things we liked in lockdown but once things opened back up the gym swooped in in a big way.

@IrishKatie1971 pup is a collie cross, hence why I’m really keen to make sure we get the training right as I know with our other dog (working breed) that it’s crucial and now we have a lovely older dog. We really can’t muck it up with the training and discipline!

He’s taken the puppy upstairs with him to work today, as though that is solving the issues 😔

I know what I need to do, which is to hold him to what he says but I feel like I’m making demands and that isn’t right. I suppose I’m slightly worried about where that gets us if/when he starts to get resentful that he isn’t getting to his hobbies as he would like. It’s pretty shitty.

I’ve just said that I’m going to go to the gym tomorrow evening so he will need to be in for the dogs…the response? Ok well I’ll just move my earlier session to the later session (I do group PT so it’s set times) so we can both go….like bloody ships passing in the night 😣

Not going to help with him and not an instant fix but is the puppy crate trained? If you could train them to be happy in a crate or playpen, you could leave the puppy and older dog unsupervised for short periods, knowing the puppy can't access anything unsafe or bother the older dog. This might help you get a bit more freedom. Obviously whilst puppy is young you have to be careful about the length of their walks but once they are older, would either of you be able to start exercising with them? Like taking them for a run instead of a gym session?

Oh dear.

He’s obviously very well organised and likes routine. That’s probably a personality trait that could be dialled down but it won’t be removed. He’s willing to plan around your needs but he needs to know what they are.

Your self esteem issues can only be solved by you. He’s willing to give you time to go to the gym and you can build it into your working day if you really want to. That will improve your health. Dog walking is good exercise.

If you are overweight, it’s down to food more than exercise. Which is in your own hands.

I don’t think you are as much of a hostage to fortune to your husband and the puppy as you think. If they weren’t there would anything change.

Husband wanted to do Canicross with older dog (yes I know another hobby!) but dog didn’t take to it, likes to run just on his own terms. I think husband plans to try with pup once she’s older but no running for her until at least 12 months we’ve been told. She struggled with the crate and to be honest we abandoned it apart from night time where she sleeps no bother so perhaps we do need to start to build on that now as a short solution.

@LemonTT I already walk 2.5 hrs a day between the two dogs (puppy gets some on her own for leash training). That has to be just before, during and just after the working day with the dark evenings at the moment. Before I was doing this plus 3 times a week group PT sessions and being in the office meant moving around more generally. Even if I put all that back I have a husband who doesn’t want to spend any time with me or at least prefers to spend it elsewhere.

He really doesn't seem interested in you as a person or companion at all. He seems to be prepared to be "reasonable" on the assumption that your priorities are identical to his ie gym,dogs, work. There seems no place for a marital relationship in his head at all. And to be blunt, if he isn't interested in you as a person (and just assumes you are the same as him), isn't interested in your company, and doesn't appear to fancy you much - there's nothing much there, is there?

I mean, I am quite bored with my marriage at the moment, bit I am aware that I needto respond to dh, be nice to him, be fair to him, and make rhe effort to do things with him that we both enjoy, because I want to stay married , id be very sad to lose dh, and I know things can't always be exciting. But your dh doesn't seem bothered about anything except his gains/times/leaderboards/whatever. It's pretty clear who he's in love with - its the fit guy he's always posting about on his insta....

If I understand this correctly, without the puppy you would have as much free time as your DH.
So why not re-home the puppy as suggested by a pp? This would solve all the problems.

What didn't she like about the crate? Was it too small? Solution might be a playpen. Was it in another room so away from where you were and she didn't like being on her own? Solution bring it into the room you are in so she can still see you but can't get to anything unsafe to chew whilst you focus on what you need to like blow drying your hair? Could you try feeding kongs/lick mats in the crate to keep her entertained?
The hobbies don't sound the problem as you both seem active, it's just the amount of them is very one sided so maybe ask if until the puppy is able to be left, he reduce them so the days when your in the office, he has the evening off doing things that can't be done together or with the puppy?