Is my marriage dead?

[Calmamongthechaos]

So for the last two years both my partner and I have been working from home during then pandemic. It’s suits him just fine but it’s definitely not for me and I will be going back in some days as soon as I can. I feel like I live at work right now and it’s not good.

Partner has always had a lot of different hobbies but now he has no commute this has escalated. I would say sporting hobbies take up 6 days of the week and other hobby which he does in the house but is logged online is two evenings. Sporting hobbies are a mix of things - CrossFit/running. He’s always been like that and it’s never bothered me really until now.

Recently we took on a puppy, already having an older dog. They are both pretty high energy breeds and we expected a bit of a tough time going through puppy hood. At the moment, because the puppy is still young and a pest to older dog sometimes they need constant supervision and we haven’t yet worked out a way to leave them alone in the house but separate. Older dog would cope fine but puppy would not and we want to build it up slowly and not cause more problems down the line. The result is that I am effectively stuck in the downstairs of the house with them all the time while partner is out. Last week this amounted to about 12-13 hrs over evenings and the weekend. Before puppy, I would also got to the gym and do things as older dog can be left and is great.

I was already sick of life in the house all the time but I feel like shit. It doesn’t help that my looks have gone to shit in lockdown and partner spends no quality time with me. He’s always on his phone posting pictures/videos of his stupid bloody workouts. He does not try to have sex with me ever. When I initiated recently he wasn’t exactly ‘up’ for it which made me feel worse.

I’ve looked extensively for evidence of an affair and have found nothing. The odd reaction to a Instagram story from females at the gym but that’s it.

Last night I blew up and told him how I felt. He said that all I need to do is say and he’ll move a hobby for me to go to the gym but I never go to the gym at the moment so what is my issue. The problem with that is I feel like shit and therefore really unmotivated and depressed. It’s something I’m trying to snap out of but I just don’t function like him. He was appalled that I thought there might be something going on behind my back but when I set everything out for him I was like what do you expect me to think? He said I never initiate sex either but for me that’s down to how I look and feel right now with the weight I have piled on. As someone with a six pack and love of exercise he doesn’t understand.

I know my partner and I know full well that if I started eating into his hobby time he would get annoyed. He is one of those types that gets anxious if not exercising etc.

I don’t know how we move forward. He asked me what I wanted/what would make me feel better and all I could think was I want several weeks alone, no work, him, dogs, nothing, to reset myself. That’s obviously not very feasible but it’s how I feel. I just feel like deep down if I didn’t exist his life would run just as it does now and that can’t be right.

Have you said to him that you feel like ships in the night? That you miss him and doesn’t he want to spend a bit more time with you and a bit less time training?

I think if you said this his reaction would tell you a lot tbh. It will either be “Oh, yes I see your point, I will make more effort to make time for us, and cut a few gym sessions”. Or, “I don’t get the problem, as long as I’m doing my share of the puppy etc, why can’t I do my hobbies”.

I’ve said it in a jokey way before when he’s been headed out, as in look dogs we are being abandoned again, but he just shrugs it off to be honest.

Tbh from your further comments this sounds like this is a wider base issue in your relationship.
Even pre covid, it was you putting in the work to organise/ do things. He didn’t take the initiative even back then, the difference was that you had enough of your own stuff going on to not care.

So his core behaviour (you could argue) hasn’t changed. It sounds as though he’s always been training orientated/ lazy about proactively doing anything for you etc. Covid and the puppy have basically shown you who he really is (lazy) where you / the dogs are not remotely a priority for you.

Tbh in your shoes I would rehome the puppy and then focus on yourself / whether this relationship should be salvaged. It sounds like you’re two people living together with completely separate interests/ lives. I would prioritise my mental health and getting myself back to a good place vs the responsibility of a puppy pulling me down even further

I would re home the puppy and the husband. He’s too selfish to be married.

@Calmamongthechaos

I’ve said it in a jokey way before when he’s been headed out, as in look dogs we are being abandoned again, but he just shrugs it off to be honest.

Why ‘in a jokey way’? It’s not a joke. And he shrugs it off because you let him.

Are you scared of your husband, OP? As, otherwise, I’m not really understanding your behaviour. It’s not your fault that he’s self centred, but choosing to continue accommodating his self centredness is just that…a choice.

Agree you do have a choice you are not making. My DH has always played a particular sport. He can do it evenings and all weekend if he wanted to. Early on I put my foot down about the amount of time he dspent on it at the weekends, and when we had kids, he cut back a lot because we spent our weekends doing family stuff. Why are you continuing to let him have his way? If you can't stop him, that's different, but it isn't clear whether you have even tried.

@Calmamongthechaos

I’ve said it in a jokey way before when he’s been headed out, as in look dogs we are being abandoned again, but he just shrugs it off to be honest.

To be fair, that's quite a passive aggressive way to communicate something so important to you. And saying it as he's leaving is not a good moment to start a discussion. I think you need to sit down and have a proper talk about all this.

It’s hard to figure out if he has changed or just gotten more into exercise. But you certainly describe yourself as changing, physically, mentally and in your interests.

If you are not happy just call it a day. I expect he will always be into exercises and goals. If you’re not then it probably won’t work out.

I’d echo that a passive aggressive comment is lost on him. He is happy or at least ok with things. You aren’t telling him that you are unhappy and want things to change.

In the meantime he is just cracking on with things and living his life. Which is what a lot of people would do. At some point he may extend that to finding sex or romance which isn’t present in your marriage.

I think you need to be blunt. (If you can be bothered)

He needs to see in black and white how much time he's out of the house and how much time there is for you to do the same (with him actually doing house/dog stuff)
Extending from that, how much time there is for you as a couple.

Remind him that you wanted to go out for the evening with him and the dogs and he wouldn't change his plans (not surprised if it was Crossfit, that always comes first...)

Then ask him if he still wants to be married. If he does, ask him why.

It sounds like the problem isn’t the puppy. The puppy is merely highlighting the fact your DH doesn’t really care about spending time with you

I agree you need to be much more direct.

You’ve explained the problem clearly to us on MN, now explain it to your husband and see what he says.

Good luck and hope he gets it.

As I see it, the puppy needs to start getting left with your older dog for starters. Your older dog will also help to train the puppy (and will tell it off if it misbehaves). Why arent you trusting your older dog? Your Dh seems to be a complete waste of space tbh.

Do you want to be with him? It's ok to realise you have outgrown someone and move on with your life apart. It does not sound as though this relationships is doing anything for you at all apart from chip away at your confidence and self-esteem.

Besides the point but when I read on mumsnet about how people voluntarily restrict their lives with dogs I wonder why anyone would take that on. I have never met anyone in real life who has the kind of regime the OP describes, my dog fits around my life not the other way round.

Issue isn't about the puppy or how you feel about yourself (though both those need addressing as well. Issue is that you have a husband who has no interest in spending time with you, and by the sound of it, has never been that bothered, covid has just made it more obvious.

Do you have any hobbies or interests in common? Because it seems like he has (and always has had) a very rigid sports/training schedule. So expecting him to change it now when you've excused it for 10 years won't work. This obviously who he is, and I know lots of people like this, they do best with partners who are equally as obsessive about exercise/sport as they are. Or a partner who doesn't mind tolerating it - his friends did try and warn you I guess.

You can try and talk to him and explain how unhappy you are - but you will then need to find something to do together that he also enjoys. And from the sound of it all he enjoys is a LOT of training...

I think you need to re-home the puppy to allow you time to re-discover your own hobbies. If you are as passionate and firm about taking time to yourself, he can't argue with that. Focus on feeling better and have the conversation with him from a position of strength - he's more likely to listen that way. Atm he probably feels like you're unhappy and resentful and doesn't want to be around it (unfair, but a human response). So get your life back on track, make time for yourself, and then see if he is willing to compromise. If he isn't, you can leave. There's definitely better suited people out there.

I have friends in a comparable situation (although not about the sex, no idea about that) but they had a baby and were both really into exercise, particularly him.

He used to live at the gym and she said no that’s not fair, so they compromised and converted their garage to a gym. There is a play pen area for the baby and they can both work out and if he wants to work out twice a day then there is no travel time and he can always take the baby with him.

It seems to work for them.

@AudTheDeepMinded

Do you want to be with him? It's ok to realise you have outgrown someone and move on with your life apart. It does not sound as though this relationships is doing anything for you at all apart from chip away at your confidence and self-esteem.

From reading all your posts, I have to agree.

You feel shit because of your circumstances not because you're faulty or ill.

I think he feels like if he has free time he can fill it will stuff

Except it's not "free time" though, is it? There are responsibilities that he should be doing in at least some of that time that he is shirking (dumping on you) - because you're always there to do the shitwork if he abdicates.

The lockdowns / pandemic haven't changed things - they have highlighted the long standing problem that he sees your role in life as facilitating his and to pick up all the responsibilities he can't be arsed with so that he can have a fun time.

After ten years he may not be prepared or capable of changing.

If he doesn't, do you want to continue to live like this? Because you don't have to. Recognising a relationship has run its course is not a "failure", it's a healthy thing to do - and you never lose the times you've shared and way he's influenced your life even if the relationship is no longer part of it.

You sound very frustrated and overwhelmed. Whether you stay with husband or not is almost not the point right now, but you need to take control of your life again. He offered you a solution so you could both go to gym and that wasn't good enough either.

What would make you happy?

Rehome the puppy?

Crate / utility room train the puppy so it can be left at home? That seems pretty essential to me, it's not too young and in many ways it's easier when it's younger.

New job?

Booked gym classes 3xweek?

Living alone?

Is there any reason why you can't have your time alone? Can you book a couple of nights away for yourself? Take some time away from the situation to reflect on which bits you do actually want to return to and which bits you don't.

@Calmamongthechaos

We’ve been together 10 years, married for 3. We met at uni, have the same career and trained at the same times. Before lockdown we had a really nice life together, lots of travel, big foodies, lots of house projects over the years which we worked together on well. Husband has always had the gym/hobbies and so have I. Then his gym mates used to joke that they thought I was made up as they couldn’t believe anyone would put up with his training schedule. I had a lot on myself and we did do other things together so it never bothered me.

A lot of the things we enjoyed together stopped because of covid I guess and covid didn’t stop some of his training like running/cycling. Having a dog didn’t get in the way before and we live in a super doggy friendly place where there isn’t many places you can’t take them. We are in the north west so really restricted throughout the pandemic.

We tried to recreate the things we liked in lockdown but once things opened back up the gym swooped in in a big way.

This makes it sounds like having a puppy who can't be left alone is literally the only problem. If so it's easily solved.

Lockdown is over - all those things you did before are back open again.

So if you aren't happy to go back to how things were, maybe it's time to move on without him?

He used to live at the gym and she said no that’s not fair, so they compromised and converted their garage to a gym. There is a play pen area for the baby and they can both work out and if he wants to work out twice a day then there is no travel time and he can always take the baby with him.

Wonder what will happen once the baby is a toddler and won’t stay in a playpen. They’ve just deferred the problem not solved it.

Crate train properly. My two are in separate crates and can be left overnight then for 2 hours at a time. They’re springers, extremely active but have been trained consistently. One is currently upside down in his cage, the other is on a bed nearby, the older dog is on a different bed. If you crate train, you’ll have the freedom to go to the gym/have a hobby.

I don’t think, however, that the dogs are the issue. Seems to me that your dh acts like a single bloke, he has fuck all consideration for you.

Sit down and work out puppy time equally then hobby time (or alone time whatever suits you both) then time together and see what he says?

He doesn’t sound like a good life partner. Me and my husband have our issues but last night he spent hours cooking a roast and then we sat and watched TV together. Don’t you want that? Your husband sounds like a pretty crap life partner. I don’t think you sound compatible anymore.