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Original poster

Sacrifice mindset

67 replies

Ilostit · 15/02/2022 07:16

If someone could direct me somewhere I would appreciate the support.

DH has a very pressured job.

We live near his family but do not see them often and we are unsupported. I am not expecting support from them but I see the support they provide other family members some that don’t even have both in the couple working like us.

If we moved close to my family they will be able to help us. To be honest I want my children to have a close relationship with their Grandparents. I can’t say I want support as such but time for my kids with my in laws like the other GC get.

I’ve started seeing the things I do for the family/my DH as a sacrifice, as a transaction rather than giving out of love.

We live in my DHs hometown. A super place to bring up children. I am now self employed in a very stressful job that I work around pickups drop offs.

I hire an amazing cleaner. DH does most of the clothes washing and putting away.

I do all house admin, cars, kids, all cooking and food planning. I do all pick ups and drop offs. I work from home in the main. So I’ll drop off the kids. Work 915-3pm do the kids activities/cook etc then log on again around 1900 when DH will put kids to bed: I’ll help though, read a book, bath them etc

DHs brother is coming to stay at ILs and they’ve booked a night away. I just lost it with DH last night - I was like when do we ever get to do that?!! Things escalated. I did not at any point swear at DH, I didn’t make it personal. I said you know wouldn’t it be lovely to just once go out in the evening? I know we could hire a babysitter but it’s just a cost we probably would struggle to afford. I drive past DH’a sis how often on my pickups etc and see MiL or FIL car there, I actually walked past last week and saw FIL cutting back her bushes: they are there everyday doing chores for her. She does not work.

I accept it’s their daughter and the relationship will be different.

When I had a small baby I asked for help from ILs (after section with school run - baby and I had both been in hospital for two weeks with a number of complications with the both of us) I was told ‘others’ do it and I pointed out I’d had a section and couldn’t drive. Initially they were reluctant but I said it will affect DH job to do school run and make him late. miL said she’s speak to DH about what she could do - she didn’t want to liaise with me.

I come from an abusive household. My mother made huge sacrifices and kept the family together. I miss my mother who lives 3 hours drive away. She still works and supports my sister who lives in her hometown. It’s hard for her help.

To be honest I can run the house etc I get very resentful of family/friends who have family nearby. It’s nothing for them to drop their kids off and go out we can’t do that.

My MIL comments how lovely our kids are, how we are so competent and just get on with things. Our lives are like other busy parents running around trying to balance.

Last night DH swore at me and said ‘fuck you fuck you fuck you’ when I found out about BIL and SILs night away. He felt attacked and said what do I want him to do?

I feel far from my family. I have few friends but they are friends not friends like family. I feel lonely and sad. I’m resentful and now viewing my life as a sacrifice. Last night I thought I know how people can come to feel worthless and I even began to understand why people may not want to be in this world.

I’m an extrovert I get my energy from people and I feel lonely when DH (last three weekends) has gone out and I’m home alone with the kids doing their activities and a line at the weekend: I don’t want to stop him having time with his friends.

I’m sorry that is long. I just need to change how I think things. Slept terrible and feel so sad this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 07:23

*I suspect I am depressed and probably need to speak with my GP

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 15/02/2022 07:39

Have you talked to him, when you're calm, and explained all this?

If you have, what did he say?

If you haven't what is it that stops you?

blackdumpling · 15/02/2022 07:41

It sounds like you are out of order
Your DP can’t force his parents to look after your kids
It is unclear from the post if you have actually asked them for childcare or not
His sibling’s trip has fired you up & you’ve lashed out
Your husband said he felt attacked
Maybe take on board how your anger is interpreted to those on the receiving end
You could easily choose not have a professional cleaner
And use the money saved on a babysitter
Or just ask your ILs to babysit & they might agree
Being an extrovert is no excuse to launch a tirade
You need to get your fill of socialising from a variety of sources
Don’t make your husband solely responsible for providing you entertainment
IMO

Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 07:44

Yes we’ve talked when calm. His response is oh shall we move then but then says he’ll never see his family if we move.

OP posts:
magicstars · 15/02/2022 07:47

I don't think you are UR op.
You asked ILs for help post section- did they ever provide it?
Your DH is going out frequently at weekends, but not you. Do you arrange things to do? You are overstretched & feeling lost.

You need to have a very frank but calm talk with dh. Maybe write it down if you're both too busy to talk apart from late in the eve.

Explain you need regular breaks & that you would like him to help facilitate this. Perhaps by asking his family, by booking a babysitter, or agreeing dates in advance for you to go out alone.

Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 07:48

@blackdumpling

It sounds like you are out of order Your DP can’t force his parents to look after your kids It is unclear from the post if you have actually asked them for childcare or not His sibling’s trip has fired you up & you’ve lashed out Your husband said he felt attacked Maybe take on board how your anger is interpreted to those on the receiving end You could easily choose not have a professional cleaner And use the money saved on a babysitter Or just ask your ILs to babysit & they might agree Being an extrovert is no excuse to launch a tirade You need to get your fill of socialising from a variety of sources Don’t make your husband solely responsible for providing you entertainment IMO
I’m not asking them to look after them, I’m saying once even twice a year for them to have them so we could have a night out.

I can’t fit in cleaning around everything else I do. Ive tried. I’m often working well into the evenings with my job. Then up early to get sorted for the day ahead. Having our cleaner is our sanity.

Ive asked for support in the past for it to be refused or they’ll bring it up with DH won’t talk to me about it. I must add Ive only asked when I have no other solution ie just come out of hosptial and can’t drive after a section.

I mentioned being an extrovert as I need social interaction. I have friends I go out with. It’s more time with DH I want just the two of us. Also my DC see that the other GC get a lot more time with their GPs at family events the dynamics are different.

OP posts:
Szyz2020 · 15/02/2022 07:49

“ I feel lonely when DH (last three weekends) has gone out and I’m home alone with the kids doing their activities and a line at the weekend: I don’t want to stop him having time with his friends.”

This is the part of your post that spoke volumes to me OP. Your DH lives in his hometown so has friends on tap. His family are there too. What do you have? Do you go out with his friends too? Are you always the childcare so he can do what he likes?

If you went away on your own or to visit your mum or for a break with your mum, would he step up at home and do all the childcare or would just parents suddenly be roped into help?

I think you need to start in a different place than the issue with your ILs, you need to look at the basic relationship with your DH. Not the chores split but the out of home and away from kids part. Do you go out together, have fun, do nice stuff as a couple and a family and for yourselves or is it all about him?

Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 07:50

It’s a combination of me being there for everyone/everything and feeling very unsupported in return. Small things like ill make DH lunch if I’m making lunch for myself if we are both wfh. He never has.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 15/02/2022 07:50

So you say what you want, then he says what he want, and there's no further discussion? No attempts at compromise from either of you?

It sounds like you both view this as a nil sum game (ie if he wins, you lose, and vice versa) Is there any attempt from either of you to find any sort of compromise, at any point?

Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 07:52

@Szyz2020

“ I feel lonely when DH (last three weekends) has gone out and I’m home alone with the kids doing their activities and a line at the weekend: I don’t want to stop him having time with his friends.”

This is the part of your post that spoke volumes to me OP. Your DH lives in his hometown so has friends on tap. His family are there too. What do you have? Do you go out with his friends too? Are you always the childcare so he can do what he likes?

If you went away on your own or to visit your mum or for a break with your mum, would he step up at home and do all the childcare or would just parents suddenly be roped into help?

I think you need to start in a different place than the issue with your ILs, you need to look at the basic relationship with your DH. Not the chores split but the out of home and away from kids part. Do you go out together, have fun, do nice stuff as a couple and a family and for yourselves or is it all about him?

I am organising a trip away with my mother for the first time in ten years! A significant birthday for her hence the 10 years. His parents will help him.
OP posts:
McClary111 · 15/02/2022 07:53

Yes we’ve talked when calm. His response is oh shall we move then but then says he’ll never see his family if we move.

Could you move closer to your family for a support network?

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 07:55

If we were to take the in-laws thing out if it for a minute, forget they exist, would you be happy ?

Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 07:57

Taking the ILs out of it possibly not happy as I’m far from my family. DH has said if we move closer to my family then he will miss his friends and family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 07:58

@TheFoundation

So you say what you want, then he says what he want, and there's no further discussion? No attempts at compromise from either of you?

It sounds like you both view this as a nil sum game (ie if he wins, you lose, and vice versa) Is there any attempt from either of you to find any sort of compromise, at any point?

He is silent. It’s a black and white. We haven’t discussed a compromise as not sure what it could look like.
OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 07:58

@Ilostit

It’s a combination of me being there for everyone/everything and feeling very unsupported in return. Small things like ill make DH lunch if I’m making lunch for myself if we are both wfh. He never has.
Ive stopped making my DH lunch when I’m making mine. He hardly ever makes mine, so I thought fuck that.
GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 08:00

@Ilostit

Taking the ILs out of it possibly not happy as I’m far from my family. DH has said if we move closer to my family then he will miss his friends and family.
So tell him you miss yours too, and it’s your turn now. I’d like to know his reaction to that, I wonder if it would be the end of your relationship 🤔
GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 08:01

I don’t think you are depressed, I think you feel trapped.

Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 08:01

It could very well be the end of it. Or years of misery for him. My compromise has been we move to my family and then he considers staying with his parents 1 - 2 nights a week to attend his office. He only has to be in the office twice a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 08:03

@GeneLovesJezebel

I don’t think you are depressed, I think you feel trapped.
This with bells on - yes I feel totally utterly trapped. I think that’s why I have fleetingly considered what it might be like if I just wasn’t here anymore. A close family member of mine took her own life and I could never understand why. But I can see why some people see it that way. I am not suicidal I do not want to leave this earth. But I feel very alone.
OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 08:05

You only get one shot at life. I’m not suggesting you LTB, but I do think you need to be happy in your one life.
I’m older than you, and when I look back I see that the compromise was all on my side. We lived where it was best for his life, he prioritorised his career over us.
If I had my time again there are lots of changes I would make.
Don’t have regrets.

Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 08:06

BIL is organising a get together for when DH DB arrives at ILaws. That’s how we found out they were coming and leaving the kids.

I feel like just packing the kids up and going to my DMs. Issue is DM works and has just had some time off and then is taking time off again for when we go away together. So I’ll just end up at DM house looking after kids when it might be easier at home. It would be for a few days over half term. It annoys me as DH gets to do what he wants at home with no kids around to look after while I go to my DM. I never get that.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 08:08

You are not alone, there are many people who feel as you do 💐
But your children will grow and become more independent, and then you will miss them.

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 08:10

Do you have regular time off ?
Do you go to the gym or out for coffee with a friend ?

Hlglu56 · 15/02/2022 08:11

I know how you feel. I live in the same town as my husband’s family. My in-laws always have my husband’s brother and his family round for tea, they look after their children and they book holidays together. Like you said it’s not just the lack of support it’s the fact that your children are missing out on that close bond with their grandparents and the resentment that they don’t treat all their children and grandchildren the same. I feel sad for my children.

Like you, my family live a few hours away and are desperate to see my children more. I would have so much more support if I lived near there. I also feel so lonely. I would love to be able to go out with my mum and sister etc. My husband works away a lot and I find it such a struggle being on my own with two small children. I’m seriously considering leaving with them before they get older and more settled.

Sorry I haven’t got any advice but I just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel. I try not to moan to my husband but I feel so angry inside.

Original poster
Ilostit · 15/02/2022 08:17

@GeneLovesJezebel

Do you have regular time off ? Do you go to the gym or out for coffee with a friend ?
Hi @GeneLovesJezebel thank you for the time you are investing in responding to me. Yes i do exercise - generally walk every day for 40-45 mins. Not to the gym but I’m thinking of joining again. I had knee problems and plantar fasciitis for a period of time. I have thyroid issues so really need to get back to proper exercise.

Coffees yes I do but straight after drop off if I don’t have a call at 9. Eats into my 9-3 working day but then I’ll pick up again in the evenings.

OP posts:
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