Sacrifice mindset

[Ilostit]

If someone could direct me somewhere I would appreciate the support.

DH has a very pressured job.

We live near his family but do not see them often and we are unsupported. I am not expecting support from them but I see the support they provide other family members some that don’t even have both in the couple working like us.

If we moved close to my family they will be able to help us. To be honest I want my children to have a close relationship with their Grandparents. I can’t say I want support as such but time for my kids with my in laws like the other GC get.

I’ve started seeing the things I do for the family/my DH as a sacrifice, as a transaction rather than giving out of love.

We live in my DHs hometown. A super place to bring up children. I am now self employed in a very stressful job that I work around pickups drop offs.

I hire an amazing cleaner. DH does most of the clothes washing and putting away.

I do all house admin, cars, kids, all cooking and food planning. I do all pick ups and drop offs. I work from home in the main. So I’ll drop off the kids. Work 915-3pm do the kids activities/cook etc then log on again around 1900 when DH will put kids to bed: I’ll help though, read a book, bath them etc

DHs brother is coming to stay at ILs and they’ve booked a night away. I just lost it with DH last night - I was like when do we ever get to do that?!! Things escalated. I did not at any point swear at DH, I didn’t make it personal. I said you know wouldn’t it be lovely to just once go out in the evening? I know we could hire a babysitter but it’s just a cost we probably would struggle to afford. I drive past DH’a sis how often on my pickups etc and see MiL or FIL car there, I actually walked past last week and saw FIL cutting back her bushes: they are there everyday doing chores for her. She does not work.

I accept it’s their daughter and the relationship will be different.

When I had a small baby I asked for help from ILs (after section with school run - baby and I had both been in hospital for two weeks with a number of complications with the both of us) I was told ‘others’ do it and I pointed out I’d had a section and couldn’t drive. Initially they were reluctant but I said it will affect DH job to do school run and make him late. miL said she’s speak to DH about what she could do - she didn’t want to liaise with me.

I come from an abusive household. My mother made huge sacrifices and kept the family together. I miss my mother who lives 3 hours drive away. She still works and supports my sister who lives in her hometown. It’s hard for her help.

To be honest I can run the house etc I get very resentful of family/friends who have family nearby. It’s nothing for them to drop their kids off and go out we can’t do that.

My MIL comments how lovely our kids are, how we are so competent and just get on with things. Our lives are like other busy parents running around trying to balance.

Last night DH swore at me and said ‘fuck you fuck you fuck you’ when I found out about BIL and SILs night away. He felt attacked and said what do I want him to do?

I feel far from my family. I have few friends but they are friends not friends like family. I feel lonely and sad. I’m resentful and now viewing my life as a sacrifice. Last night I thought I know how people can come to feel worthless and I even began to understand why people may not want to be in this world.

I’m an extrovert I get my energy from people and I feel lonely when DH (last three weekends) has gone out and I’m home alone with the kids doing their activities and a line at the weekend: I don’t want to stop him having time with his friends.

I’m sorry that is long. I just need to change how I think things. Slept terrible and feel so sad this morning.

sounds like you are at the end of your tether.
You acknowledge you maybe depressed , so I think it's worth going to your GP.
Can you cut back at work at all to give you a bit more space to breathe?
What do you enjoy doing? Can you build a bit more of "me" time I to your day.
Working whilst raising kids can be relentless, it does get easier when they get older.
I think when you are both calmer you and DH need to talk to see if there is anything you can change.
Unfortunately you can't change ILs attitude.
I get that it's frustrating that they dont offer you the same support they do SIL or have the same relationship with your DC , that can feel hurtful and like rejection .
Would DH be willing to talk to them, explain his family need their support too? Ask them to babysit? Have you or DH invited them round,try and build a relationship especially with your DC.
Talk to your DH about moving nearer your DM is that possible with your jobs? it's ok to need the family support that you don't currently get.
Sounds like you feel you are making more sacrifices than DH in raising DC.
If you can all visit your DM perhaps she could babysit for a night whilst you are there or alternatively she could visit you. Have you spoken to your DM about how you feel?
DH being out all weekend isn't on, it's like checking out of family time and supporting you , that would make me feel resentful if I'm honest, it's OK to pursue your own interests but there has to be a balance and he needs to spend as much of his leisure time with you and DC as he does pursuing hobbies or seeing his friends.

@Runnerduck34

sounds like you are at the end of your tether. You acknowledge you maybe depressed , so I think it's worth going to your GP. Can you cut back at work at all to give you a bit more space to breathe? What do you enjoy doing? Can you build a bit more of "me" time I to your day. Working whilst raising kids can be relentless, it does get easier when they get older. I think when you are both calmer you and DH need to talk to see if there is anything you can change. Unfortunately you can't change ILs attitude. I get that it's frustrating that they dont offer you the same support they do SIL or have the same relationship with your DC , that can feel hurtful and like rejection . Would DH be willing to talk to them, explain his family need their support too? Ask them to babysit? Have you or DH invited them round,try and build a relationship especially with your DC. Talk to your DH about moving nearer your DM is that possible with your jobs? it's ok to need the family support that you don't currently get. Sounds like you feel you are making more sacrifices than DH in raising DC. If you can all visit your DM perhaps she could babysit for a night whilst you are there or alternatively she could visit you. Have you spoken to your DM about how you feel? DH being out all weekend isn't on, it's like checking out of family time and supporting you , that would make me feel resentful if I'm honest, it's OK to pursue your own interests but there has to be a balance and he needs to spend as much of his leisure time with you and DC as he does pursuing hobbies or seeing his friends.

Thank you @Runnerduck34. To answer some of your questions before I run out the door:

DM understands: she owns two businesses and is self employed. It’s hard for her to get away. She also supports my sister with her children who are much younger than mine.

I will try the GP again tomorrow they were out of appointments this morning. Open at 8 and have to call. They all go so quick.

I wfh in the main so could work anywhere. DH yes and no he can wfh three days. He could move job to a company that has an office in my DM hometown. But I’m not sure if he would be able to. He’s very senior and it’s all complicated on his covenants/clients.

DH rarely contacts his family - it’s partly because we are so busy with work/kids he doesn’t have much time: in saying that I’ve pointed out he has time for his friends every weekend why not his family.

I am sorry this is the same for you. I am normally so proactive and decisive in life but this has culminated and I’m exhausted by it: I feel well and truly trapped. If we were to move and it didn’t work out then it would be my fault for moving the kids and DH.

@Ilostit

Taking the ILs out of it possibly not happy as I’m far from my family. DH has said if we move closer to my family then he will miss his friends and family.

This is your fundamentally your problem. Your geography itself is an issue, but it is highlighted and underscored by:

• The inequality of free time you get relative to your DH should pops out with pals...
• your inlaws lack of help.

I would take some time to digest. Leave off badmouthing the in-laws (while true it won't help) and i would start making plans to move closer to your mum. And my focus would be to whatever I needed to do in order to achieve that. smile and be polite with DH and inlaws, do the research, cry tactically, get a Dr's note whatever.... however I am ruthless about fighting for my & my families happiness (I had a shit dad and a bad childhood). The difference for me is my DH really cares about my happiness (my sadness makes him sad and vice versa) we are a team and I'm not sure this is the same for you but basically you have to fight for your happiness.

With that in mind....

• The fuck you rant sounds like frustration on his side. I personally would leave it and focus on the cruz of the issue.
• Stop sacrificing and start advocating for your happiness. Because your husband has already done that for himself and so has no motivation to change the status quo.
• My position would be making moves to get the wheels in motion to move towns.
• Be calm and have a clear plan.
• Reiterate that you will support and facilitate trips back. (Once moved you can send him off for the weekends with the kids so you get downtime )

I am maybe not that helpful as I purposefully moves close to my mum and was clear that was my plan precisely BECAUSE she was supportive and kind.
I am Heavily pregnant and She cleaned my kitchen yesterday What a woman

Final thought
Re your in-laws ... its not you and you can't change them
For what it's worth... A woman I know know it similar /worse with her in-laws. She has a 2 and 4 year old (normal sweet irls) and her and DH have tough jobs. She is an only child of only children and was orphaned via a car crash at 17. She is basically pollyanna - a good kind person who is just pleasant and easy to talk to. she does a lot for others. Husband is the same. Just a nice easy going guy. The in-laws are arsehole to them. They totally ignore them, barely any interest in the girls and do nothing to help. Xmas and birthdays are £10 recucled gifts.... They then fallover his themselves to support all 3 BILs families

I spend a lot of time on rightmove working out our different options. From two houses to a full move to a divorce and separation.

@Totalwasteofpaper wish I had your strength. I have seen my mum play the martyr and she worked around my dad’s alcoholism to give us some sort of normality: I think I’ve picked up a lot of behaviours from her.

Oh good for you... in which case I'd be presenting him with plan A (full move) and pleasantly discussing that.
Keep very quiet /keep your powder dry on the plan b (two houses and divorce).

Re your mental state its v hard to know if a person is in a bad place generally or their situation is causing their poor mental health.
Its worth thinking about that prior to any irreversible decisions astringent is a serious business.

Years ago I was going through a mental health crisis... depression runs in the family and I assumed I had it. I was on anti anxiety and depression tablets for over a year.
Then I caught my DP cheating and we broke up. Despite being sad about the break up my mood lifted overnight and I realised I wasn't depressed. At all. It was him and our shitty relationship depressing me.

@blackdumpling

It sounds like you are out of order Your DP can’t force his parents to look after your kids It is unclear from the post if you have actually asked them for childcare or not His sibling’s trip has fired you up & you’ve lashed out Your husband said he felt attacked Maybe take on board how your anger is interpreted to those on the receiving end You could easily choose not have a professional cleaner And use the money saved on a babysitter Or just ask your ILs to babysit & they might agree Being an extrovert is no excuse to launch a tirade You need to get your fill of socialising from a variety of sources Don’t make your husband solely responsible for providing you entertainment IMO

All of this. You have no right to demand or expect something from people who don't want to give it. And no right to lash out at your dh, what do you want him to do?? It's not like the IL ask you for anything in return, so why are you trying to force a relationship that does not want to happen. Is your dh putting the same pressure back to you and your family? No he isn't, and he can't do much with his own either. Not sure what you being an extrovert has to do with this but you need to take a step back and think why this is getting to you so much.

[quote Ilostit]@Totalwasteofpaper wish I had your strength. I have seen my mum play the martyr and she worked around my dad’s alcoholism to give us some sort of normality: I think I’ve picked up a lot of behaviours from her.[/quote]
Yeah I am quite scrappy these days but do understand as the mentality is very ingrained for me too.
The "prioritise everyone else first because you don't realllly matteeeeeer" voice still whispers in the wind.
I generally try and tell it to Fuck. Right. Off.

One thing you may find helpful is positive affirmations (have a google)
"I matter and feelings are valid and important"
" my happiness in important" etc

It’s hard to see the other GC have a close bond with their GPs. And for the GCs to make that effort with them. I don’t think it’s less love i think it’s because DH and I have always just got on with it.

I know if we moved closer to family our lives would be easier. I’m not asking for weekly childcare I’m asking for them to spend time with their GC.

There is a lot DH can do to facilitate the relationship with his parents. He just doesn’t he’s the passive aggressive type.

You are looking for a relationship with your IL to fit in with the ideal you have in your mind. This doesn't exist and you need to move on from that. You can't take that out on your dh, who has NO control over other people. Maybe his siblings have a different relationship with the IL?

I think I can blame DH as his siblings I’m sure ask more of of the in-laws and get it. They are more responsive to their children asking than they would be to me. Past experience has taught me this.

@Ilostit

There is a lot DH can do to facilitate the relationship with his parents. He just doesn’t he’s the passive aggressive type.

Why are you forcing this issue. You are seeing it completely from your perspective. Did it not cross your mind that his relationship with them is complex itself? You had an argument with him about bil, sil and their arrangement with the IL - all of these people which he doesn't have a say. I can completely understand his outburst towards you, - what exactly do you think he should do?

It sounds like the situation with the in-laws isn't ideal, but it feels like the real focus is that your DH has all he needs close by and you have nothing. And that he doesn't care because he's happy with this - but he shouldn't be happy should he? Because you're not. I agree that a compromise is hard, but if DH won't acknowledge the reality of the situation/doesn't care that you're miserable I'm not sure what you can do. My feeling is that you lay it out for DH and if he won't work with you to improve your situation, you leave.

There is possibly some complexity he is middle child. But he loves his parents they love him. They gave him a wonderful childhood full of travel and adventure and a private education. He was very loved as a child. He seems to just not be fussed about seeking them out/seeing them now. I want them in their GCs lives but I need DH to facilitate that. If he doesn’t then we are near them for no reason and I may as well get that love for my DC from my family.

We haven’t discussed a compromise as not sure what it could look like

I think this is the issue. Is it a pattern with other issues in your relationship too? Does he generally insist on what he wants, and you insist on what you want, and that dynamic causes problems?

I suspect that this particular issue is a symptom, rather than the problem itself, and that your conflict resolution style, as a couple, is the main issue. You've mentioned him being black and white, but you're not exactly gunning for compromise yourself. You've said he is 'to blame', but he'd say the same about you. A relationship is about relating to each other, but neither of you is trying to relate to the other.

I think you are focusing on your in-laws partly to distract yourself from your rapidly deteriorating relationship with your husband. Your marriage seems to be held together by a very thin and fragile thread. The two of you need to talk and decide whether you want to work on your relationship or call it a day.

@FlowerArranger

I think you are focusing on your in-laws partly to distract yourself from your rapidly deteriorating relationship with your husband. Your marriage seems to be held together by a very thin and fragile thread. The two of you need to talk and decide whether you want to work on your relationship or call it a day.

Yes @FlowerArranger perhaps you are right. But I do want to fight for our marriage I know we love each other have been through a lot together. It would be so sad to separate.

I agree it would indeed be sad to separate.

But if you cannot work out a way to stay together that is satisfactory for you both, it would be better to separate before the marriage gets toxic.

Yes it does seem we are heading into the realms of toxicity if we are arguing like this. It’s not happened in a long time but the whole ILs thing just triggered me.

How is it that things ended up revolving completely around your DH?

You say your DH has a pressured job but it sound to me like your job is very pressured working as many hours as he does plus you doing everything related to the DC and at home.

How did all that end up being your job and he gets a free pass to do nothing when he's not working plus has weekend at leisure for whatever he wants?

You need to forget the in-laws, totally put it out of your mind, then see where you are.

for you @Ilostit but the reality is in laws often can't win whatever they do - just look at the vast number of threads on here with women blasting their mother in laws and husband's family for wanting to be more involved with their own grandkids

Aside from them naturally being closer to their own kids, it comes across in your posts(and I'm sure to them) that you only want to use them to provide childcare when convenient for you? You don't mention having a close relationship with them, independent of your husband and kids or encouraging your kids to build a proper relationship with them on their terms too.

Also, other things such as personality differences or you having a different parenting style to them (which means they know you'll resent them if they helped look after the kids) are potential reasons why they're reluctant to get more involved so they're stepping back to give you space. Unless there's a massive drip feed coming, I don't think you can blame them because they come across as pleasant so there's obviously something going on on your part too.

Also your mother in law's comments would make me suspect that she feels she'd be an imposition on you if she became more involved with the kids. Do you and your DH make them feel properly welcome and proactively invite them to family life stuff that doesn't involve you expecting them to be childminders? They probably think you guys have it all together and dont have time for them as grandparents since you're both busy and seem to run to tight schedules.