Sacrifice mindset

[Ilostit]

If someone could direct me somewhere I would appreciate the support.

DH has a very pressured job.

We live near his family but do not see them often and we are unsupported. I am not expecting support from them but I see the support they provide other family members some that don’t even have both in the couple working like us.

If we moved close to my family they will be able to help us. To be honest I want my children to have a close relationship with their Grandparents. I can’t say I want support as such but time for my kids with my in laws like the other GC get.

I’ve started seeing the things I do for the family/my DH as a sacrifice, as a transaction rather than giving out of love.

We live in my DHs hometown. A super place to bring up children. I am now self employed in a very stressful job that I work around pickups drop offs.

I hire an amazing cleaner. DH does most of the clothes washing and putting away.

I do all house admin, cars, kids, all cooking and food planning. I do all pick ups and drop offs. I work from home in the main. So I’ll drop off the kids. Work 915-3pm do the kids activities/cook etc then log on again around 1900 when DH will put kids to bed: I’ll help though, read a book, bath them etc

DHs brother is coming to stay at ILs and they’ve booked a night away. I just lost it with DH last night - I was like when do we ever get to do that?!! Things escalated. I did not at any point swear at DH, I didn’t make it personal. I said you know wouldn’t it be lovely to just once go out in the evening? I know we could hire a babysitter but it’s just a cost we probably would struggle to afford. I drive past DH’a sis how often on my pickups etc and see MiL or FIL car there, I actually walked past last week and saw FIL cutting back her bushes: they are there everyday doing chores for her. She does not work.

I accept it’s their daughter and the relationship will be different.

When I had a small baby I asked for help from ILs (after section with school run - baby and I had both been in hospital for two weeks with a number of complications with the both of us) I was told ‘others’ do it and I pointed out I’d had a section and couldn’t drive. Initially they were reluctant but I said it will affect DH job to do school run and make him late. miL said she’s speak to DH about what she could do - she didn’t want to liaise with me.

I come from an abusive household. My mother made huge sacrifices and kept the family together. I miss my mother who lives 3 hours drive away. She still works and supports my sister who lives in her hometown. It’s hard for her help.

To be honest I can run the house etc I get very resentful of family/friends who have family nearby. It’s nothing for them to drop their kids off and go out we can’t do that.

My MIL comments how lovely our kids are, how we are so competent and just get on with things. Our lives are like other busy parents running around trying to balance.

Last night DH swore at me and said ‘fuck you fuck you fuck you’ when I found out about BIL and SILs night away. He felt attacked and said what do I want him to do?

I feel far from my family. I have few friends but they are friends not friends like family. I feel lonely and sad. I’m resentful and now viewing my life as a sacrifice. Last night I thought I know how people can come to feel worthless and I even began to understand why people may not want to be in this world.

I’m an extrovert I get my energy from people and I feel lonely when DH (last three weekends) has gone out and I’m home alone with the kids doing their activities and a line at the weekend: I don’t want to stop him having time with his friends.

I’m sorry that is long. I just need to change how I think things. Slept terrible and feel so sad this morning.

@Ilostit

There is possibly some complexity he is middle child. But he loves his parents they love him. They gave him a wonderful childhood full of travel and adventure and a private education. He was very loved as a child. He seems to just not be fussed about seeking them out/seeing them now. I want them in their GCs lives but I need DH to facilitate that. If he doesn’t then we are near them for no reason and I may as well get that love for my DC from my family.

@Ilostit I suspect the in laws mistakenly think that you're the one stopping the grandkids from having a relationship with them (since this happens a LOT with daughter in laws) and your DH was previously close to them. Hence they feel resentment and therefore don't make the effort to include your kids because they think that's what you want .

If I were you, I'd explicitly mention to them that your DH is the one not facilitating the relationship and you would love for them to all be closer. You may be amazed that this is all it takes to make all the difference.

Thank you for the comments. Gosh no massive drip feed. I am close to my MIL in a lot of ways. Out of the SILs I’m the only working mum as she was - bizarrely our professions are closely related she gets our pressure. I do feel she thinks we just have it together and perhaps feel they would be an imposition and of course it’s easier for her to be more proactive with her own daughter.

I know she loves my DC the same. I suspect DHs siblings do spend more time engaging them as they all don’t live in the same town so ILs will go stay at their houses but not at ours.

Thank you everyone for your support. I have contacted Relate today and will pursue marriage counselling and individual counselling for myself.

I have tried to organise days out etc I am just really under the kosh atm. My glass is full. My reaction last night probably wasn’t proportionate

You want a date night ?

Why can't you find a baby sitter ?

Or

Organise more visits to see your DM & family

Alternatively, if your DH has free time at weekends to see his friends

Then, you need to ask for some greeting yourself too

"Sacrifice" what did you think being a parent & wife would look like, before you were one ?

I certainly didn’t expect being a wife would be a sacrifice. The children that’s my choice.

I want the my DCs to have more time with their GCs and for us to have the occasional night out.

Very hard to organise trips to DM I try once a month it’s a 5 -6 hourr round trip. Generally 6 cos of traffic

@Ilostit

I certainly didn’t expect being a wife would be a sacrifice. The children that’s my choice.

Too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart. O when may it suffice?

Does your family come to visit you ?

Can you meet somewhere half way if they live far away
Can you go on holiday together ?

We try to have a break away with my family once a c 4 days. My DM is a business owner and it’s hard for them to get away. Last year we did meet half way for a day trip. I’m going to suggest that again. Their businesses are open 7 days a week so it takes planning with staff.

Ref "I get my energy from people"

I would suggest that working from home, although it may be convenient for children. It is not giving you these things ;

Meeting different sort of people in the work place

Having a clear distinction between the work place & the home

Becoming involved with the added extras that some work places have like charity fund raising, volunteer days, social activities, making new friends etc

Even a short commute, gives you head space between work & home

Perhaps you could investigate moving to a different type of job ?

I also think you need to take the Grandparents out of the equation. It's tough, but they don't help you. Stop resenting it, accept it, and just live without their help. If you want to go out for an evening, get someone else to babysit. Get all of your support elsewhere. honestly, the resentment is just eating away at you, and it's just not worth it. So what if they don't help? Many people don't have any help at all. You just need to let this go I'm afraid.

Once you've done that, look at your life. I don't think your H is pulling his weight. You have all the burden of the family and your work. And I'd be really pissed off that he goes out every weekend. So you do need more of a balance I'd say. You do need a social life too - I'm similar to you, I derive energy from other people, and I need to go out or I get quite low and introspective. So sort out a way of you getting out and seeing other people. (and if your H doesn't support you in this, well, )

And then after all that you need to think where, if you had a choice, you'd live. Why should he get to live near his family and friends but you don't?

I try to have lunches - occasional weekend away (twice a year) - coffees.

I take on board the work point- it would be so difficult with the children on pick ups/drop offs and activities. But there is a real inequality but that’s arisen as DH is now primary earner (albeit I could be at that level
If I could work those hours). His earning potential is more in the future

My situation isn't that dissimilar to yours-DH is middle child,gets far, far less attention than his two other siblings ever have. Had a somewhat friendly relationship with the PILs and now after almost 30 years married it has devolved, for instance, to a recent funeral MIL introducing my DH and son to some people we didn't know but not bothering to even acknowledge me standing right there. Biggest cause of marital tension has always been his immediate family-more distant relatives are fabulous. I honestly believe the distant family have seen and noticed and are trying to make up for it. We always lived close to his family but eventually due to job transfers have not lived close to any of them and has been blissful. I'd advise the move

DH spoke with me this evening. He said he was sorry for swearing but I can’t get myself so worked up. He has agreed to contact his parents and organise a time for them to spend time with us.

I’ll wait and see.

But it’s opened up other (paper thin) cracks and more needs resolving.

I have not mentioned to him I’ve contacted relate he has a busy week at work. I’ll tackle that at the weekend.

Move.