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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Save my marriage!

54 replies

sikhgirl16 · 14/02/2022 17:36

Hello, I'm looking for help to save my marriage. DH is having an emotional affair (which he denies) with an Eastern European girl (25) who he has never met but works with.
They have been messaging / calling / texting each other for over a year now, both deny being in touch (i have called her a few times) but they don't stop the contact. He has told her he loves her and she has said she feels the same too. I think DH is going through a midlife crisis. He has stopped talking to me and sleeps in the spare room.
I want to fight for the marriage and take him back from her. I can't see that she is really in love with him, he is 55. I think she is after money or she is looking into a way to live in the UK. DH is besotted with her and i cant get him to speak about it.
DH tells me that he feels we have grown apart and will eventually divorce. I want to fight for my marriage, i have invested 25 years in this and i dont want to just give it up. We have a DD18 who lives at home with us.
What can i do? How can i get him or her to stop - is it possible?
Any help would be very much appreciated - Thank you!

OP posts:

DillonPanthersTexas · 14/02/2022 17:43

Sorry but are you sure you want to save this marriage. Your DH is behaving appallingly, it's not like he has confessed and is begging for forgiveness, he just does not care, how do you get back from there.

CaroleFuckingBaskin · 14/02/2022 17:46

Your dh is an utter wanker. He's being made a fool of by this woman whom he has never met. But worse than that, so are you.

Tell him to fuck off to her. It won't last. But don't take him back when he comes crawling. You deserve far better. And you will find it

britneyisfree · 14/02/2022 17:47

If you really want him back kick him out.

That way you're either ride or the tosser or he quickly comes to his senses. Either way kick him out immediately.

Original poster

sikhgirl16 · 14/02/2022 17:48

@DillonPanthersTexas - No, he's not begging for forgiveness and yes he is behaving appalling but the person he is now is not him. He has dropped everything and i think the OW has turned his head and he is in a fantasyland. I dont want to throw away 25 years to a girl he has never met!

OP posts:

Hdhr8jsj · 14/02/2022 17:51

You can't save it unless that's what he wants too. All you are doing is letting him walk all over you and making you look like a mug.

devildeepbluesea · 14/02/2022 17:51

Don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy. You could spend the next 5 years desperately trying to save your marriage to this inadequate, only to discover it was long dead. So then you’ve “wasted” 30 years, not 25.

PP is right - you chuck him out. You force him to choose between having his cake and eating it.

Although quite why you’d want to stay married to this individual is beyond me.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 14/02/2022 17:51

Bloody hell. Please find your anger! He is taking you for a fool. Why on earth do you want to fight for your marriage? Do you have very low self-esteem? Are you financially dependent on him?

FruminariaBandersnatcheosum · 14/02/2022 17:55

You are deluding yourself OP. This IS what he is like. Let him go and step back.

Bonbon21 · 14/02/2022 17:55

You need to see a lawyer about divorce and what your entitlement would be.. don’t forget his pensions!!
Then get it in writing... then send her a copy of how LITTLE he would be worth cos you are going to screw him for every penny...
Then when she dumps him
Divorce him... he is an arse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2022 17:57

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs, all this about wanting to fight for your marriage and or not throw away 25 years is the sunken costs fallacy in action.

You need to show him what loss of you means and you really do need to kick him out.

Chilledchablis1 · 14/02/2022 18:03

Stop blaming the OW - this is down to your husband !

Opentooffers · 14/02/2022 18:04

So, what is it you are actually fighting for? Is it lyfestle, sex or love or companionship, or a combination? I'd say it's pointless to fight for someone who doesn't reciprocate, you can't fight for something that isn't there and it doesn't look like he wants any sex, love or even company with you. There is nothing there to fight for now, people live in the present so it's not that relevant that youve had 25years. I doubt you want to face facts, maybe you need time to come to terms with things, but presently I think the best you can do is boot him out, even if you do want him back it's the answer as only that will make him see the repercussions and give him a dose of reality. So the best hope of getting him back is to ask him to leave.

Hexagonmum · 14/02/2022 18:18

[quote sikhgirl16]@DillonPanthersTexas - No, he's not begging for forgiveness and yes he is behaving appalling but the person he is now is not him. He has dropped everything and i think the OW has turned his head and he is in a fantasyland. I dont want to throw away 25 years to a girl he has never met![/quote]

From what you've said it seems like he's the one whose thrown your relationship away.
I know it's easier said than done but concentrate on yourself, create a fantastic great life without him.

MMmomDD · 14/02/2022 18:19

OP - it is obviously your right to feel the way you do and want what you want.
So - if you want to try to keep him in the marriage at all costs - then you need to play a strategic game. With a goal of waiting it all out.
The woman in question may have more than one man she is ‘working’, and if your H doesn’t deliver a way for her to move over to the U.K. soon - she will lose interest. Or move to someone who would give her what she wants.
(This is assuming that it’s what she wants. Maybe she just wants to symphony some money from him)

But if you want to go this way - you’ll need to bite your tongue and stop trying to catch him. You’ll need to go as far as accepting him having his ‘fantasy life’ with her as part of your current marriage. You’ll need the home to be a nice and happier place for all of you and your daughter. Have family routines, meals, etc. His midlife crisis will pass eventually and then he’ll be a grumpy older man. They tend to want their slippers, nice food and comfort. They can’t really keep up with the demands of a relationship with a younger woman.

In parallel - I’d also invest money into making yourself feel happier and busy - do more things on your own, hobbies, friends, maybe even travel - alone or with your daughter.
The stronger and happier you appear - the better.

It is not an easy way to live. And it may not work anyway. But it can give you a bit of time - and soon enough he’ll be 60, and possibly calm down and a woman in her 30s will not want to have him as a partner.

This strategy may work. Whether the prize is worth it - only you can decide.

Original poster

sikhgirl16 · 14/02/2022 18:20

I'm fighting for my marriage, we were happy before her and his head has been turned completely. He's tried to break it off but she calls back and they slip back into regular whispered conversations.
I know i sound insane, but i love him and I want our family back together again. 25 years is a long time, I am 55 years old and I don't want to start my life again on my own. I've always loved him and I know I always will. A midlife crisis will pass. But i am more angry with OW - she is a girl and she's looking for money and a pass to live in the UK - what else is she after?

OP posts:

CaroleFuckingBaskin · 14/02/2022 18:24

Yes but OP you are blaming her only!

You have no idea of the lies he has probably told her. The fault lays firmly with your DH

Fittleswade · 14/02/2022 18:25

Cripes, you're delusional. More angry with her, eh? He's gone from you. Go and read Chump Lady. He's not a pesky child who's misbehaved, he is a man who has betrayed you. He must think you're mad tolerating this, or worse, he's indifferent to it (I suspect the latter). It's over. Get your legal ducks in a row and move on.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 14/02/2022 18:26

It doesn't matter what she is after. If your "D"H wasn't willing to give it to her, she wouldn't have a chance of getting it. You seem to think that he's some sort of victim in this, but he isn't. He's freely choosing to engage with this.

Make no mistake - if she was here, it would be a full blown affair by now.

I'm not writing the above to be harsh, like many other posters above, I'm beyond flabbergasted that you want to give this man a minute more of your time. Would you honestly and truly rather spend the rest of your life with a dishonest creep than be free to live your life without someone who could rip your heart out to easily? Would you ever be able to trust him again? This is him. This is who he really is - that must be true because he's doing this, here and now. No-one has forced him to.

GrimDamnFanjo · 14/02/2022 18:28

If you ask him to leave you can then start thinking about what you want. Have you support in real life?

thenewduchessoflapland · 14/02/2022 18:30

@sikhgirl16

Have you posted before as this sounds familiar?

Anyway your DH is a deluded twat who's living in a fantasy world in an online relationship with a young woman who's young enough to be his own daughter;this woman was sucking milk from her mums nipples when he was out celebrating his 30th birthday;it's perverse.

Stop fighting for this dickhead,get yourself a shit hot solicitor and get everything your entitled to when you divorce him.Don't waste anymore time on him.

He'll end up with egg on his face,she's probably leading him up the garden path,she won't want a relationship with a man who's past middle age,he won't be wanting nights out drinking and clubbing then newborn babies and toddlers when he's in his late fifties and in his sixties;he won't want to be deal with moody teenagers in his mid seventies or be paying for university places into his eighties.

Will she at 60 want to be in a sexless marriage to an old codger who's arse needs wiping?

It's almost pitiful.

tootiredtospeak · 14/02/2022 18:31

No OP tell your daughter let her find the anger for you. He needs to go. If he was apologetic and fighting to save it too fine. But he is not he is taking the piss. Tell people everyone you can it will help change your viewpoint.

thenewduchessoflapland · 14/02/2022 18:34

Midlife crisis: this is the script! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Polecat03 · 14/02/2022 18:38

You are misdirected your anger, it's him who has betrayed you. You probably aren't ready to hear it but this is over as that's clearly what your husband has decided. You can't 'make' it work, he has said you'll divorce eventually and it seems he just expects you to sit around and wait til it suits him to.
I'm sorry you still love him, you do have my sympathy and this must be awful to go through.

me4real · 14/02/2022 18:40

I would assume they have met. Why wouldn't they, or is she living abroad still?

55 is a bit old for a midlife crisis- and it's a coincidence that your daughter is 18 now.

I would see it more as 'kids are grown so now I can divorce' - some people wait until then to consider separation, as they think it's less damaging to the kids.

Either way, he's a cunt OP.

Ginger1982 · 14/02/2022 18:41

Kick him out, seriously. You are worth more and showing a terrible example to your daughter.

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