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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Save my marriage!

54 replies

sikhgirl16 · 14/02/2022 17:36

Hello, I'm looking for help to save my marriage. DH is having an emotional affair (which he denies) with an Eastern European girl (25) who he has never met but works with.
They have been messaging / calling / texting each other for over a year now, both deny being in touch (i have called her a few times) but they don't stop the contact. He has told her he loves her and she has said she feels the same too. I think DH is going through a midlife crisis. He has stopped talking to me and sleeps in the spare room.
I want to fight for the marriage and take him back from her. I can't see that she is really in love with him, he is 55. I think she is after money or she is looking into a way to live in the UK. DH is besotted with her and i cant get him to speak about it.
DH tells me that he feels we have grown apart and will eventually divorce. I want to fight for my marriage, i have invested 25 years in this and i dont want to just give it up. We have a DD18 who lives at home with us.
What can i do? How can i get him or her to stop - is it possible?
Any help would be very much appreciated - Thank you!

OP posts:

Ishouldaknownbetter · 14/02/2022 18:41

Think about how you would feel if this was your father?
No, he would not do this.
What about your daughter?
She would hate this
Give him an ultimatum and tell him how you and your daughter will make a new life.
Otherwise see a divorce lawyer and make a new life life for yourself.
It's not you who fecked up, it's him.

devildeepbluesea · 14/02/2022 18:42

The other woman has made no vows to you and owes you nothing. Focus your anger on the person who has betrayed you.

me4real · 14/02/2022 18:43

A decent guy doesn't 'have his head turned' to this extent BTW. They might have a little fantasy or ogle to themselves but then they'd tell themselves to stop it, and definitely wouldn't take it further.

Bugbabe1970 · 14/02/2022 18:45

Read up on the 180
And the script
You can win him back by begging it’ll only push him further away

Bugbabe1970 · 14/02/2022 18:45

Can’t I mean

spacehardware · 14/02/2022 18:46

You're on borrowed time OP, he's made clear he intends to dump you when it suits him.

If you actually want to keep him (god knows why) jolting him by leaving / kicking him out and asserting yourself is only way
If that doesn't 'work' then you've already done the hard part

YukoandHiro · 14/02/2022 18:49

@devildeepbluesea is absolutely right. This woman has the right to live her life as she chooses. She may not even know you exist. She certainly has made no promises to you. Your DH is betraying your marriage vows and shows you so little respect.
In fact, if you really want to save your marriage then finding your backbone is probably the way to do it. If you walk away proud her might have a sudden realisation at what a prick he's been. If he doesn't, your marriage is totally over anyway.

Bonbon21 · 14/02/2022 18:50

Tell your daughter.
See if she can still respect this man. She might still love him... but respect?.. trust?...
What example are you showing her?
That this is acceptable.. that she should be understanding and accepting..
And when Daddy gets around to dumping you.. she will welcome Stepmummy with open arms.. Stepmummy who is 7 years older than she is.. really??
He might not wait for a divorce.. with the level of respect for you he has displayed so far.. she could turn up on the doorstep next week.. you could be in the spare room my dear..
Find your anger... find your lawyer.
He does not want you.

Mojoj · 14/02/2022 18:52

That's easy. Kick him out. Take him for everything he's got. The OW will quickly realise he's not the meal ticket she thought he was and back he'll crawl. And maybe, just maybe, as this is all happening, you'll realise that you're actually much happier on your own than with a man who clearly has no respect for you or your marriage.

BellatricksStrange · 14/02/2022 18:54

@sikhgirl16

I'm fighting for my marriage, we were happy before her and his head has been turned completely. He's tried to break it off but she calls back and they slip back into regular whispered conversations. I know i sound insane, but i love him and I want our family back together again. 25 years is a long time, I am 55 years old and I don't want to start my life again on my own. I've always loved him and I know I always will. A midlife crisis will pass. But i am more angry with OW - she is a girl and she's looking for money and a pass to live in the UK - what else is she after?

You don't sound insane at all. But you've come to the wrong forum for this kind of advice. On MN it's always LTB, throw away years of your life, don't try to work on or save a relationship etc.

pancettafrancesca · 14/02/2022 18:57

He sounds like my stupid BIL. He’d been married over 20 years with two children when he took up with a woman over 20 years younger than him with two tiny children. His wife gave him a ton of chances. He dumped his wife and kids and moved in with her. He doesn’t see his kids and is now father to his girlfriend’s youngsters.

We are all horrified. She’s immature and attention seeking and we have to pretend we like her. We deserve an Oscar.

Honestly I would let your husband go. If he stayed you’d always be wondering whether he was still seeing her. You deserve better.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/02/2022 19:03

Stop blaming the OW. Your husband made vows to you, she didn't
He has allowed his own head to be turned because he is unfaithful and a liar.
Face up to the fact that this IS who he is
Get legal advice ASAP
As PPs have said - kick him out
Regain some self respect and dignity

Gowithme · 14/02/2022 19:08

You can't make a marriage work on your own no matter how hard you try. If he's not interested in working on it too then you're just wasting your time. He doesn't want to be with you, that's the bottom line - it doesn't really matter the reason. He is lying and cheating - why would you accept that as good enough for you? You're blaming her because you think that gives you something to work with, but really you're just allowing it to go on and on hoping he'll come to his senses at some point. But what then? You'll have won?

StopStartStop · 14/02/2022 19:11

@sikhgirl16 (interesting username!)

Stop! If you are real and serious, stop deluding yourself.

If your dh has a new woman the only person to blame is him.

If he gets taken for a ride, it's his own fault.

He was never a sweet innocent seduced by a younger woman - if he'd been genuinely keen to remain faithful, he'd have turned her down. But no, he continues his online relationship with her and sleeps in the spare room.

The person you believed him to be is gone - you'll never see him again no matter what you do. He will always be tarnished by this new relationship. He will resent you if he gives her up, and you will resent him. You will beat your brains out trying to make things right and he'll act as if he's doing you a favour. If he 'comes back' at all.

You've had 25 years. Now sort yourself for a fresh start and wave goodbye to the fool who thinks a girl of 25 wants a life with him.

sammyjoanne · 14/02/2022 19:16

[quote sikhgirl16]@DillonPanthersTexas - No, he's not begging for forgiveness and yes he is behaving appalling but the person he is now is not him. He has dropped everything and i think the OW has turned his head and he is in a fantasyland. I dont want to throw away 25 years to a girl he has never met![/quote]
Its not you thats thrown away 25 years of marriage to a girl he has not met. He has done that for himself.

me4real · 14/02/2022 20:06

PP's are right that part of it is he's taking you for granted. Make him leave and he might realize he has to treat you well or it's over.

But it might only take some other woman (or even this one again) to become the object of his affection, for it to happen all over again.

You deserve to feel secure and consistently loved.

SarahBellam · 14/02/2022 20:13

I don't understand why you're blaming her more than him. He's the one who made vows to you and he's the one willing to destroy your marriage. She owes you nothing.

Kick him out. Pack his bags and put them in his car. He'll be back within the month with his tail between his legs. By then you'll have had time do decide whether you really want him or not.

Regularsizedrudy · 14/02/2022 20:22

Oh @BellatricksStrange get a new hobby!

Original poster

sikhgirl16 · 14/02/2022 20:22

Thank you for your replies. Reading all this i can see that i am deluded in thinking i can get him back. I blame the OW because she's been telling me to not walk away from the marriage and that she is not talking to him. I know he has never met her because i've heard him tell her that though they have never met the feelings they have for each other are real.
I stupidly still love him but he shows me zero respect - he does not even talk to me anymore.
I will seek legal advice..i thought it was a midlife crisis and he needed to come to his senses in his own time. My head tells me he is a cruel and nasty man but my heart is holding on to the goos times and the love i have for him.

OP posts:

cato40 · 14/02/2022 22:08

OP I feel for you, if any consolation you are not alone. I am going through the same having a husband going through a midlife crisis. Affair with woman abroad and not being the person I have known for so long. It is hard to believe they are the same men we loved years ago and they behave so out of character and stupid that I wonder if it is something happening to their brains or hormones? Good luck whatever you decide to do!

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 14/02/2022 22:21

He’s making a fool of himself
Don’t let him make a fool of you

Maze76 · 14/02/2022 22:40

Hi OP
I know how you feel, I’ve been where you are but please believe me, the man you married has gone. Whether this other woman has turned his head or not, HE made the decision to sleep in the spare room, to stop communicating with you but continue to with her.
It’s very possible that nothing will come of his EA, but that won’t be because he doesn’t want that, it will be because she doesn’t.
Heartbreak is awful, feeling rejected is awful.. but what is so much worse is comprising your mental well being for the sake of the ‘ good memories of happier times’.
First, stop completing domestic things such as his washing, preparing his meals, etc do those things for you and your child.. not for him.
Second- become selfish with your time, see friends, get a hobby, join a gym etc
Start taking steps to form a life away from him.. if he cares he will show you, if he doesn’t- well you will have gained self confidence and the start of establishing a new life without him.

Monday55 · 14/02/2022 23:24

I'd be making sure he's not sending her any money to her. He may well be getting Catfished by some Nigerian Prince.

Original poster

sikhgirl16 · 14/02/2022 23:34

She's not catfishing him, she works for his company in the Romanian office. He does his own cooking, shopping etc, he does not want me to do anything for him..he has distanced himself from me completely, does not talk to me at all - unless i try to speak to him and he mostly tells me to go.away or that he is busy.
I think you are all right, the man i know is no longer there. I was hoping he would slowly get over this but it does not look like it is coming to an end. He has checked out and im looking for scraps of emotion from him but i get nothing and as the days go by he has become more and more distant.
Its very hard to let go but he seems to have left me without any care or explanation. Its very sad.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 15/02/2022 00:49

Personally I would be concentrating on protecting your future finances.

He's obviously away with the fairies, and yes he has been very cruel and nasty so even if this madness ends, how could you forgive him.

Get to a solicitor, ducks in a row, I'd even be tempted to get a keylogger on his computor, this woman sounds as though she's out to fleece him.

What an utter fool and such a dissapointment for you and your daughter. Really file for a divorce and get a stop on his accounts, that's probably why she's told you not to walk away,she want's access to his money, this woman has his e mail and phone numbers, very dodgy.

It's not love, it could be fraud.
Lock everything down.

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