Shitty husband, or is it me?

[happybleepingday]

DH and I have been having troubles for a few years now. I’m in almost permanent therapy trying to deal with childhood issues that only raised their head as I hit middle age and became a parent.

We have 1 child and both have demanding jobs with a lot of responsibility. DH often struggles to think of things others would term “wifework” but I don’t let him get away with that. We’re equal parents so knowing what is going on is for both of us.

So whilst things aren’t ever wonderful, they have been better, in my view, for the last few months at least.

However, the last few days DH has been quite selfish and then very snappy when I have made reasonable comments about them.

Eg Friday night he dropped DC to a class and then came home. I ran the hoover around and mopped the floors of muddy paw prints (despite towels at all of the doors he just lets the puppy back in from the garden with no wiping). He picked DC up and I made their dinner. We watched a bit of TV whilst DC in bed before going to bed (me at midnight, him no idea what time but there was 1/3 bottle of gin missing the next morning).

Sat morning - I took DC to a class. DH at home for 3 hours. Whilst I was out I went food shopping, bought DD some particular school bits she needed, paid for her school lunches and music lessons. I didn’t sit and have coffee or anything during what might otherwise be a bit of downtime.

Get home at lunchtime and DH is still in pyjamas. Puppy isn’t fed, hasn’t slept, dishwasher not emptied (all his dirty stuff from the night before filling the sink, worktops and hob), washing not hung out. When I questioned what had happened he said the puppy was “needy” and he didn’t have chance to do anything. Puppy shouldn’t really have been away for more than 1 of those 3 hours.

I did the dishwasher and asked him to hang the washing. He made food for himself creating another 1/2 load for the occupied dishwasher.

I had a load of work to do as I hadn’t been able to get it done during the week, but Saturday night we had a rare family dinner together which involved me doing the dishwasher again to be able to use the sink/worktops, 90 mins cooking, then I tidied the kitchen and put the dishwasher on again.

I finally got to start my work at about 9pm and worked till about 11:30pm. I would have more to do on Sunday.

Yesterday I had arranged to take DC and a friend out for a couple of hours. I did another load of washing in the morning and hung it out before we went. Emptied the dishwasher. DH was on his laptop when we left but I wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing. When we got back he was still on his laptop, working (in PJs). DC needed to gather items for a school project, which I did. I sorted DC’s dinner and then sat down to work (7:30pm) at which point he slammed his laptop shut and said he supposed that meant he needed to do child and puppy management now. I ignored this.

He seemed fine once DC in bed and was chatting to me about a holiday we have planned whilst I was working. He went to bed at about 11pm having checked that “we weren’t doing anything for valentines” (because we might after 10+ years of not?) and I went up at about midnight when I’d done as much work as I could.

This morning I put a half drunk cuppa on the side before taking DC to school. Came back and the cup has gone. I ask if he’s seen it (in case I’m misremembering) and he snarls that it’s in the dishwasher. I said I hadn’t finished it and flicked the kettle on for another one. At which point he exploded, shouting that I’m abusing him all the time, then gaslighting him. That I didn’t really wonder where the cup was because it should have been obvious and that I was making a big deal about it all the time. I replied that I just asked where it was, and that it was him that was now raising his voice and escalating this to unreasonable heights. He stormed off, slammed the door and hasn’t spoken to me since.

I literally can’t do any more and don’t know what to do now. He’s taking DC away this weekend to his family, who he will no doubt slag me off to. He’ll be expecting me to pack everything DC need but right now he can fuck right off.

Can anyone shed any light on what is going on here?

Do not pack a thing.
Can you go into the office the day he takes them away.
Grey rock him.

I don’t have an office within 100 miles. And puppy can’t be left alone. I will be working when they leave though.

It's not you. Even if you were bitchy about the cup of tea, even if you moaned about the housework ect you still didn't deserve that.

It feels horrible when your brain tries to find a way to make it your fault and you're left with so much confusion clouding your brain.

Well it doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

But, you were annoyed at him for not doing dishwasher and them you were annoyed because he put your cup in dishwasher - I wouldn't assume you were coming back to drink a cold half cup of tea, so YAB a bit U about that.

He is obv VV U to shout at you and sulk about the place though.

@TheLoupGarou

Well it doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

But, you were annoyed at him for not doing dishwasher and them you were annoyed because he put your cup in dishwasher - I wouldn't assume you were coming back to drink a cold half cup of tea, so YAB a bit U about that.

In the 20+ years he’s known me I’ve probably drunk 10 hot cups of tea. I prefer them luke warm/cold and often just top up with more hot water.

But sure. Maybe he was confused.

You need to communicate. Ask him to do jobs you want doing. It’s annoying, because no one asks you. But if you ask; the responsibility is then on him so much harder to avoid/excuse.

Something I have learnt with men, if I want, ask.

I don't think it's you doing the gaslighting!

He sounds unreasonable.

I'd leave him to do the packing.

Absolutely not. He can hold down an extremely responsible international job. If he can do that he can remember that dogs need feeding, that pots don’t wash themselves and that school uniforms need washing at weekends. I’m not his mother.

I think what's going on here is that we're both married to the same man. The first three quarters of your post are all a very familiar story, and probably happens in a lot of relationships. Especially the bit where you get to the end of the description of his lazy useless behaviour and all of a sudden he wants to chat about happy things like holiday plans. As if you're in any mood to discuss this after the weekend you've had!!!
But what really hit me was him getting rid of your half cup of tea. It might seem a bit innocuous or trivial, but I really really relate to how it makes you feel. On one hand you don't want to say anything for fear of making a fuss, but at the same time, it's your cup of tea that you were saving, and he's done this deliberately to put you in a position of 'do I say something or leave it?' And because you did say something, he makes it into an issue. And then, to make matters worse, he decides he's not talking to you!!!! My dh does this all the time. I'll leave half a can of pop in the fridge, and I'll go back and it'll be gone. If I ask if he knows where it is, he'll point blank deny taking it, even though I know the kids wouldn't touch it. Or he'll throw something away and deny all knowledge of ever seeing it, when I know nobody else would throw it away. And if I ever dare to bring it up again, I'm being unreasonable. A while ago I brought a cake home that my friend from work had bought me, put it in the fridge, and half an hour later it was gone. I asked him if he'd thrown it out or anything, and he said "No, I ate it." Matter of fact, no sorry or anything. I took my wedding ring off that night. So mostly now I just don't talk to the man. He's so infuriating.
But to answer your question, I've no idea. Maybe they're both just determined to force us to leave them.

Sorry, that was to @Blendiful

Dont pack for the children. Why would you even think that was your job to do? He is taking them away.

Do you think he is being a knob because he is creating a new narrative to your marriage?

Its not you it's definitely him

Don't pack a thing for him

@19Bears

I think what's going on here is that we're both married to the same man. The first three quarters of your post are all a very familiar story, and probably happens in a lot of relationships. Especially the bit where you get to the end of the description of his lazy useless behaviour and all of a sudden he wants to chat about happy things like holiday plans. As if you're in any mood to discuss this after the weekend you've had!!! But what really hit me was him getting rid of your half cup of tea. It might seem a bit innocuous or trivial, but I really really relate to how it makes you feel. On one hand you don't want to say anything for fear of making a fuss, but at the same time, it's your cup of tea that you were saving, and he's done this deliberately to put you in a position of 'do I say something or leave it?' And because you did say something, he makes it into an issue. And then, to make matters worse, he decides he's not talking to you!!!! My dh does this all the time. I'll leave half a can of pop in the fridge, and I'll go back and it'll be gone. If I ask if he knows where it is, he'll point blank deny taking it, even though I know the kids wouldn't touch it. Or he'll throw something away and deny all knowledge of ever seeing it, when I know nobody else would throw it away. And if I ever dare to bring it up again, I'm being unreasonable. A while ago I brought a cake home that my friend from work had bought me, put it in the fridge, and half an hour later it was gone. I asked him if he'd thrown it out or anything, and he said "No, I ate it." Matter of fact, no sorry or anything. I took my wedding ring off that night. So mostly now I just don't talk to the man. He's so infuriating. But to answer your question, I've no idea. Maybe they're both just determined to force us to leave them.

So sorry that you’re going through it too.

He won’t throw stuff away without asking usually. To the point of bringing wilted spring onions to me wherever I am in the house and asking if he should put them in the food bin.

@TracyMosby

Dont pack for the children. Why would you even think that was your job to do? He is taking them away.

Do you think he is being a knob because he is creating a new narrative to your marriage?

I don’t know. He feels I’m not “fixing” myself quickly enough. But I’m having to deal with very painful memories completely on my own on top of everything else and I’m exhausted from it.

@Blendiful

You need to communicate. Ask him to do jobs you want doing. It’s annoying, because no one asks you. But if you ask; the responsibility is then on him so much harder to avoid/excuse.

Something I have learnt with men, if I want, ask.

Thing is, we shouldn't have to ask!

This is a chap who is capable of holding a high level job. If he's capable of that, he's capable of this. He shouldn't need to be asked.

It's bloody frustrating isn't it.

No advice but you sound so sad and he sounds fucking useless and very unpleasant. When did he last do something nice or thoughtful for you, just because, to show he loves and appreciates you?

@happybleepingday

Sorry, that was to *@Blendiful*

I get this. I started writing a much longer post but accidentally deleted it.

No one tells us and we shouldn’t technically have to tell them. You are not his mother.

I had some of these very problems with my ExH (note the ex). However I did as you did also and took the stand as to why should I have to ask? No one asks me and I just very well do it and remember this stuff.
There were more issues than this, but I do think sometimes by doing this I created conflict and unnecessary arguments. And didn’t achieve anything as it just made me mad, and I ended up doing the jobs anwyay!

My now DP is generally much better but there is still certain things he doesn’t just ‘do’. I started off as I had with ex. He quite quickly after a few disputes said, if you want me to do something just ask and I will. After a little time inwardly getting peed off at this, I decided to just do it and see how it worked.

It’s helped a lot, I don’t end up doing jobs and resenting him for not. He doesn’t get away with not doing them as if directly asked and not once has he said no, or done it grudgingly. He’s happy to help. But often just doesn’t even think about certain stuff, probably because I usually do it.

I always think of a quote given to me by a teacher ‘if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got’

Something has to change and whilst yes in an ideal world he would just do it, chances are he isn’t going to. So you can carry on as you are, he won’t change (he thinks you are the problem - not saying you are, but that’s what he thinks so he doesn’t need to change in his opinion). Keep arguing, keep doing all the jobs and probably eventually split up or just suck it up but not really a good relationship.

Or you can make some changes yourself to make him take responsibility in a different way.

Up to you if you take my advice or not. I know lots of people wouldn’t. But I can say it’s made my life and relationship a million times easier and nicer and with minimal effort for me. Which for me is better than growing resentment and spending hours arguing and not speaking.

It really depends what you want the outcome to be.

Rehome the dog whilst it's little and won't care.
The reason I don't have a dog is because DH wanted to be Disney dog dad - titbits, wouldn't walk it, didn't clean it's paws etc etc etc Selfish git.

Not saying we should have to ask.

But it’s clear this has been going on some time. And trust me I’ve been there. But carrying on the way things are isn’t going to resolve anything is it?

So the choices are, make some changes or call it a day if that person isn’t for you, and find someone who does it all of their own accord. I just don’t think those men are that common, between me and my girlfriends I haven’t heard of many, not saying they dont exist.

But if you want to work on it that would be my suggestion. Making him take accountability. If you haven’t asked he will take the ‘this is unjustified’ approach to being confronted about it. If you’ve asked, he can’t really do that.

Because currently all that’s going to happen is OP won’t pack, he will expect she will as my assumption from what’s said is, she usually would. He will have a tantrum about it not being done and OP and him will argue over it and he’ll leave for the weekend with them likely not speaking and that’ll likely leave an atmosphere for the kids to deal with all weekend/upon return. I’ve done it myself before. However if OP simply says sometime over the next few days, ‘I won’t have time to pack for the weekend for the kids, you will need to do it’. He can’t then moan when it’s not done and there will be no grounds for an argument, it’s on him then, as it should be.

Men think different than women do. They are very single minded and tend to concentrate on one thing, whereas we can keep track of dozens of things at the same time. It's how we evolved. Men would go out and look for something to kill for dinner. Women would be back at the cave, keeping the home fires burning, cooking, watching many children, repairing/making clothes, preserving food, making baskets, cooking pots etc.

When I was a girl most wives would concentrate on keeping the man's home life trouble/stress free, so he could put all his energy into his career/bringing home the bacon. Most men would never cook, clean or take care of the children, because the women didn't expect them to.

Now, in most families it takes both parents working to keep a roof over their heads. Of course there will be stress and conflict. Women, even though they are employed outside the home, instinctually continue on as they have for thousands of years, taking care of their family/home and it becomes just too much for them. The men, meanwhile tend lounge about, having one thought at a time. The results are blood on the walls.

Sorry, I don't have a solution, except maybe for couples to understand they cannot expect the other one to think as they do. Try not to worry about puppy paw prints. Lower your standards. Just have a good clean once a week, if that, until the children are old enough pitch in. Soon as they are old enough, give them chores such as feeding the dog, talking the dog out, helping clean. It's how farm families manage.

Try not to worry about puppy paw prints. Lower your standards. Just have a good clean once a week, if that, until the children are old enough pitch in

Or..... kick the lazy git into touch

I agree that it should be obvious what needs doing, especially to a grown man. He should understand that he can't just sit there ignore a hungry puppy, or a full dishwasher or whatever it is. Only men gets away with this and it's infuriating. I am not sure how to change this behaviour, other than leave and live in bliss by yourself, but maybe have a chat on a Friday night about what is happening on the weekend. Who is going where and who is doing what. Maybe once you have done that a few times (years), it might come more naturally to him.

@Ellowyn

Men think different than women do. They are very single minded and tend to concentrate on one thing, whereas we can keep track of dozens of things at the same time. It's how we evolved. Men would go out and look for something to kill for dinner. Women would be back at the cave, keeping the home fires burning, cooking, watching many children, repairing/making clothes, preserving food, making baskets, cooking pots etc.

When I was a girl most wives would concentrate on keeping the man's home life trouble/stress free, so he could put all his energy into his career/bringing home the bacon. Most men would never cook, clean or take care of the children, because the women didn't expect them to.

Now, in most families it takes both parents working to keep a roof over their heads. Of course there will be stress and conflict. Women, even though they are employed outside the home, instinctually continue on as they have for thousands of years, taking care of their family/home and it becomes just too much for them. The men, meanwhile tend lounge about, having one thought at a time. The results are blood on the walls.

Sorry, I don't have a solution, except maybe for couples to understand they cannot expect the other one to think as they do. Try not to worry about puppy paw prints. Lower your standards. Just have a good clean once a week, if that, until the children are old enough pitch in. Soon as they are old enough, give them chores such as feeding the dog, talking the dog out, helping clean. It's how farm families manage.

That was the only clean of the week.

As a result, all of our socks have carried the filth up the stairs and onto the pale carpets up there.

I’m the least house proud person ever, but I’d rather not have to replace 4 carpets for the sake of wiping the dog’s paws a few times a day. (One remaining downstairs carpet already ruined and she’s only been here 3 months. I’m okay with that one!)

I left him with DC when they were about 1 for a few hours during the day. Came back at teatime to discover he hadn’t bothered feeding them AT ALL all day! Had fed himself though!