Shitty husband, or is it me?

[happybleepingday]

DH and I have been having troubles for a few years now. I’m in almost permanent therapy trying to deal with childhood issues that only raised their head as I hit middle age and became a parent.

We have 1 child and both have demanding jobs with a lot of responsibility. DH often struggles to think of things others would term “wifework” but I don’t let him get away with that. We’re equal parents so knowing what is going on is for both of us.

So whilst things aren’t ever wonderful, they have been better, in my view, for the last few months at least.

However, the last few days DH has been quite selfish and then very snappy when I have made reasonable comments about them.

Eg Friday night he dropped DC to a class and then came home. I ran the hoover around and mopped the floors of muddy paw prints (despite towels at all of the doors he just lets the puppy back in from the garden with no wiping). He picked DC up and I made their dinner. We watched a bit of TV whilst DC in bed before going to bed (me at midnight, him no idea what time but there was 1/3 bottle of gin missing the next morning).

Sat morning - I took DC to a class. DH at home for 3 hours. Whilst I was out I went food shopping, bought DD some particular school bits she needed, paid for her school lunches and music lessons. I didn’t sit and have coffee or anything during what might otherwise be a bit of downtime.

Get home at lunchtime and DH is still in pyjamas. Puppy isn’t fed, hasn’t slept, dishwasher not emptied (all his dirty stuff from the night before filling the sink, worktops and hob), washing not hung out. When I questioned what had happened he said the puppy was “needy” and he didn’t have chance to do anything. Puppy shouldn’t really have been away for more than 1 of those 3 hours.

I did the dishwasher and asked him to hang the washing. He made food for himself creating another 1/2 load for the occupied dishwasher.

I had a load of work to do as I hadn’t been able to get it done during the week, but Saturday night we had a rare family dinner together which involved me doing the dishwasher again to be able to use the sink/worktops, 90 mins cooking, then I tidied the kitchen and put the dishwasher on again.

I finally got to start my work at about 9pm and worked till about 11:30pm. I would have more to do on Sunday.

Yesterday I had arranged to take DC and a friend out for a couple of hours. I did another load of washing in the morning and hung it out before we went. Emptied the dishwasher. DH was on his laptop when we left but I wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing. When we got back he was still on his laptop, working (in PJs). DC needed to gather items for a school project, which I did. I sorted DC’s dinner and then sat down to work (7:30pm) at which point he slammed his laptop shut and said he supposed that meant he needed to do child and puppy management now. I ignored this.

He seemed fine once DC in bed and was chatting to me about a holiday we have planned whilst I was working. He went to bed at about 11pm having checked that “we weren’t doing anything for valentines” (because we might after 10+ years of not?) and I went up at about midnight when I’d done as much work as I could.

This morning I put a half drunk cuppa on the side before taking DC to school. Came back and the cup has gone. I ask if he’s seen it (in case I’m misremembering) and he snarls that it’s in the dishwasher. I said I hadn’t finished it and flicked the kettle on for another one. At which point he exploded, shouting that I’m abusing him all the time, then gaslighting him. That I didn’t really wonder where the cup was because it should have been obvious and that I was making a big deal about it all the time. I replied that I just asked where it was, and that it was him that was now raising his voice and escalating this to unreasonable heights. He stormed off, slammed the door and hasn’t spoken to me since.

I literally can’t do any more and don’t know what to do now. He’s taking DC away this weekend to his family, who he will no doubt slag me off to. He’ll be expecting me to pack everything DC need but right now he can fuck right off.

Can anyone shed any light on what is going on here?

All that evolution stuff is just making excuses for shit behaviour

It’s up to you how long you want to put up with it

@19Bears

I think what's going on here is that we're both married to the same man. The first three quarters of your post are all a very familiar story, and probably happens in a lot of relationships. Especially the bit where you get to the end of the description of his lazy useless behaviour and all of a sudden he wants to chat about happy things like holiday plans. As if you're in any mood to discuss this after the weekend you've had!!! But what really hit me was him getting rid of your half cup of tea. It might seem a bit innocuous or trivial, but I really really relate to how it makes you feel. On one hand you don't want to say anything for fear of making a fuss, but at the same time, it's your cup of tea that you were saving, and he's done this deliberately to put you in a position of 'do I say something or leave it?' And because you did say something, he makes it into an issue. And then, to make matters worse, he decides he's not talking to you!!!! My dh does this all the time. I'll leave half a can of pop in the fridge, and I'll go back and it'll be gone. If I ask if he knows where it is, he'll point blank deny taking it, even though I know the kids wouldn't touch it. Or he'll throw something away and deny all knowledge of ever seeing it, when I know nobody else would throw it away. And if I ever dare to bring it up again, I'm being unreasonable. A while ago I brought a cake home that my friend from work had bought me, put it in the fridge, and half an hour later it was gone. I asked him if he'd thrown it out or anything, and he said "No, I ate it." Matter of fact, no sorry or anything. I took my wedding ring off that night. So mostly now I just don't talk to the man. He's so infuriating. But to answer your question, I've no idea. Maybe they're both just determined to force us to leave them.

How can you bear to live like this? Please don't waste your one, precious life in such an unhealthy, unhappy relationship. You will look back with more regret the longer you stay because once you're out of it you'll see what a colossal tragedy it was to have stayed so many years.

@Ellowyn

Men think different than women do. They are very single minded and tend to concentrate on one thing, whereas we can keep track of dozens of things at the same time. It's how we evolved. Men would go out and look for something to kill for dinner. Women would be back at the cave, keeping the home fires burning, cooking, watching many children, repairing/making clothes, preserving food, making baskets, cooking pots etc.

When I was a girl most wives would concentrate on keeping the man's home life trouble/stress free, so he could put all his energy into his career/bringing home the bacon. Most men would never cook, clean or take care of the children, because the women didn't expect them to.

Now, in most families it takes both parents working to keep a roof over their heads. Of course there will be stress and conflict. Women, even though they are employed outside the home, instinctually continue on as they have for thousands of years, taking care of their family/home and it becomes just too much for them. The men, meanwhile tend lounge about, having one thought at a time. The results are blood on the walls.

Sorry, I don't have a solution, except maybe for couples to understand they cannot expect the other one to think as they do. Try not to worry about puppy paw prints. Lower your standards. Just have a good clean once a week, if that, until the children are old enough pitch in. Soon as they are old enough, give them chores such as feeding the dog, talking the dog out, helping clean. It's how farm families manage.

This is bollocks, and insulting to men. They're not idiots. They're fully functioning human beings who are more than capable of pulling their weight in the home, not some pathetic incompetent little lambs who will pass out if they have to look after their own children for a few hours.

This man the OP is talking about is lazy, selfish and is taking strategic incompetence to a whole new level. Of course he could feed his children. Of course he can stack the dishwasher. Of course he can cook a meal. He's choosing not to because he'd rather lie about scratching his arse, safe in the knowledge the OP will do it for him. Tell him you've had enough and he either shapes up or ships out.

He won’t have anyone come into the house to clean.

DH was like this for a while. I wanted a cleaner - I work long hours, want to see the DC etc etc. He kept saying it wasn't necessary. That he would do it (works part time, around kids etc). It caused SOOOO much resentment and stress and honestly, it got to the point where I think we weren't actually that far from separating.

Eventually I said that I was getting one. That I didn't have time to do the cleaning and he wasn't doing it, or was doing it half heartedly. And that was it.

It's easy for a man who, left to his own devices, would only change bedding monthly (for example), to say that a cleaner isn't necessary....

I left him with DC when they were about 1 for a few hours during the day. Came back at teatime to discover he hadn’t bothered feeding them AT ALL all day! Had fed himself though!

I'd have booted him out at that point, OP. But you are still there so you need a strategy.
(also sorry: everyone doesn't do their share with the puppy do they? or else they would wipe the puppies paws and your carpets wouldn't be muddy. That is the MINIMUM i would expect everytime the dog comes into the house)

@Ellowyn Men think different than women do. The... yadda yadda SEXIST NONSENSE. Push off with it. It is complete and utter piffle.

@Ellowyn

Men think different than women do. They are very single minded and tend to concentrate on one thing, whereas we can keep track of dozens of things at the same time. It's how we evolved. Men would go out and look for something to kill for dinner. Women would be back at the cave, keeping the home fires burning, cooking, watching many children, repairing/making clothes, preserving food, making baskets, cooking pots etc.

When I was a girl most wives would concentrate on keeping the man's home life trouble/stress free, so he could put all his energy into his career/bringing home the bacon. Most men would never cook, clean or take care of the children, because the women didn't expect them to.

Now, in most families it takes both parents working to keep a roof over their heads. Of course there will be stress and conflict. Women, even though they are employed outside the home, instinctually continue on as they have for thousands of years, taking care of their family/home and it becomes just too much for them. The men, meanwhile tend lounge about, having one thought at a time. The results are blood on the walls.

Sorry, I don't have a solution, except maybe for couples to understand they cannot expect the other one to think as they do. Try not to worry about puppy paw prints. Lower your standards. Just have a good clean once a week, if that, until the children are old enough pitch in. Soon as they are old enough, give them chores such as feeding the dog, talking the dog out, helping clean. It's how farm families manage.

This is untrue and is a myth mainly put about by men who think domestic work is for women to do because women are the servant class.

He sounds like an arse and you sound like a lot of resentment has built up which I think might be colouring some of your view, e.g. ‘he walks the dog to avoid other jobs’

So what if he does? He is allowed to like some jobs more than others and the dog needs walking.

Also, why does it matter if he is wearing PJs whilst working at the weekend?

I think that you sound like you have got a lot on your plate and he is not treating you respectfully. Would he consider joint counselling as it doesn’t sound like a good environment for any of you at the moment.

It sounds like he's pissed off that you won't work and do all of the cleaning,shopping,laundry,pet care,childcare,cooking,any of the other shitwork that needs to run your household and carry the mental load.

He should be allowed to do what he likes,when he likes.I mean how dare you bother him on a Saturday when he's hungover after drinking a load of gin and expect him to do anything;you just keep quiet and get on with it right?

Is he going home for the weekend to a mummy who'll let him put his feet up and not do anything while she takes care of your DC and cooks your DH's meals whilst he moans about his wife actually expecting him to be a functioning adult and not a man baby?

Yeah I agree that the 'men are like this because that's how they were as cavemen' theory is rubbish. It's been hundreds of years and we've learned to drive cars, work with computers and forgotten how to catch wild animals to eat - it's funny how the only thing remaining from that time is that men can't do more than one thing at once?!

And even if you believe they can only think of one thing at once, well that wouldn't stop someone from doing the dishes, then doing the hoovering, then putting a wash on - see - one thing at a time.

I know plenty of men - my DH included - who are perfectly capable of doing their fair share of housework / childcare, without any fuss or expectation of thanks. Those who don't are lazy and / or selfish with their time. Don't give them an excuse that it's because they're a man so they can't help it.