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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think my stbxh has installed a phone tracker on my phone

66 replies

Alexandradream · 14/02/2022 08:06

I’m in the process of divorcing a very controlling man, and we just communicate via WhatsApp or occasionally emails. When I say communicate I mean just information re our children. During our marriage, he would have regularly checked my phone, emails and this only came to light after the fact.

Recently he’s said a few (minor) things to the children that he definitely shouldn’t know, just things like times I’ve been out or plans I may have made. We live in a reasonably small city so initially I assumed I’d been seen by one of his friends/family but my gut is telling me there’s a possibility of him ‘hacking’ my phone. I’ve checked all my app and there’s nothing on my phone that I’m not aware of. While I’m not doing anything illegal or anything I’m ashamed of, I am now paranoid he’s got access to my phone.

I’ve Googled and apparently there are apps he can download to secretly track my phone, some of them just tell him when I’m online eg on WhatsApp and others claim to be able to allow him actually read my sent texts, I may be naive but honestly had never heard of this kind of tracking. I’ve heard of tracking apps aimed at children but the other party has to ‘accept’ and be aware they are being tracked.

Does anyone know anything about these apps? Are they genuine or a scam? If he has me tracked, is there anyway I’d know? As I say, I’m not doing anything I shouldn’t but the thought of him reading my texts fills me with dread. He’s a man that thrives on having the upper hand and I know in his warped mind this would be seen as a win for him…. God bless him if he get off on the shite I usually text my girlfriends!

OP posts:
DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 14/02/2022 08:08

Factory reset your phone, after backing up photos etc . That will erase anything.

Make sure you don’t let it automatically reinstall apps from your Google account or iCloud.

GrazingSheep · 14/02/2022 08:09

Get a new phone.

Magda72 · 14/02/2022 08:11

Get a new phone for dealing with everyone but him.
What age are your dc?
As in do they have phones & would you be contacting them on phones?

Momijin · 14/02/2022 08:12

I would get a new phone.

IncompleteSenten · 14/02/2022 08:12

Get a new phone. Keep the old one for him to communicate with you on. Leave it at home. Don't sync anything to your new phone.

I think you'd find out very quickly whether he has anything on your phone because his behaviour or attitude would change. He may even ask you if you've got a new phone (probably in a more subtle way!) Or ask the children.

CoteDAzur · 14/02/2022 08:14

If you have an iPhone, turn off "Find My" under Privacy > Location Services.

Purplewithred · 14/02/2022 08:19

You have my sympathy. When I was divorcing in 2007ish XDH hacked my PC - even my mumsnet account.

I reported it to the police and got a crime number just in case. When I was able to move out I changed all my passwords, but then the PC crashed completely so I just started afresh with a new one and with new usernames and passwords for everything.

I would consider reporting to the police in case things get worse and you need the evidence.

TheRealityCheque · 14/02/2022 08:22

If you think can access your messages, I would deliberately feed him some false information, for shits and giggles

Somebodylikeyew · 14/02/2022 08:22

A factory reset would seem the easiest first step… and then change passwords for email etc.

Quick check- you don’t have location services enabled, or share anything with him over the cloud- calendar, find my phone, I photos, dropbox, email account etc- that you’ve forgotten about?

AppleKatie · 14/02/2022 08:23

I would seriously consider reporting this to the police.

I would definitely take it to a phone shop- apple store if it’s an iPhone and ask for advice. They will probably recommend a factory reset but I would of thought they would be knowledgeable about best way to do it to ensure success.

AdamRyan · 14/02/2022 08:23

I think my ex hacked my phone and when I asked the techs in the phone shop, they said not uncommon. Same position as you, he'd quote stuff people had said in messages and freak out if I googled certain things.
If its Android and its hacked, it can be hard to get rid of the secret app. I got a new handset and Google account, changed all my passwords.
It is horrid though.

2DogsOnMySofa · 14/02/2022 08:27

Do you have find my iPhone activated on your phone?

Just to be on the safe side I'd take it to one of those phone places that fixes phones, explain the issue and they will be able to wipe your phone and ensure anything that's not supposed to be there is removed and not reinstalled

GrandmasCat · 14/02/2022 08:33

Turn off locations services completely. If you have a Google email account change the password, using another device.

SilkySusan · 14/02/2022 08:34

If it's an iPhone, it's not just Find My iPhone, if the phones were set up on the same Apple ID it's possible stuff will be accessible from one to the other - social media, iMessages, even stored passwords. Start afresh by returning the phone to factory settings, set up a new Apple ID and use it for the reset phone. Also change passwords for any mail and social media accounts, or in fact anything you don't want him to get into.
Can't advise on an Android phone, sorry.

Imaystillbedrunk · 14/02/2022 08:36

Go to your settings on WhatsApp and check linked devices. Remove any that are listed there.

isthismylifenow · 14/02/2022 08:40

Check if see if you have another device linked in your Whatsapp settings.

The three dots on right hand side at the top when you open up Whatsapp.

Original poster
Alexandradream · 14/02/2022 08:42

Thank you for your advice. My locations are off, we 100% do not share anything on the cloud. It’s stuff I would have talked about on WhatsApp that he seems to know…as I say, nothing major but I hate that he might know anything! I’ll restore things to factory settings and make sure I’ve everything backed up. He’s not only far more tech savvy than I am but would be smart enough to ensure that there’s limited traceability to him… he’s not a nice man and like most controlling people, he hates having that control taken away.. it took me so many years to get the courage to divorce him that I don’t even want him to know what I bought in aldi or what new recipe I tried for dinner!

OP posts:
wildseas · 14/02/2022 08:43

In this situation I would buy a new phone with a new phone number and set up a completely new account with any social media/email etc etc which I wasn't happy for him to access.

I would only give the new phone number to people who I really trusted and who I felt comfortable would not share it with ex. I would use the old phone for ex and any random acquaintance contact eg school whatsapp. I would leave old phone in the house at all times.

I would also ask a garage to check my car for a tracker, and check my house for cameras.

ivykaty44 · 14/02/2022 08:45

What type of phone do you have? I can’t see anywhere you mentioning whether Android or Apple

I would possibly consider setting him up with false information, to see whether you hunch is correct. Information that won’t harm the children ( so not a new partner) but some juicy bait, night out on the town & texts to and fro from setting up to going out and a hangover afterwards and chatting to new people

If you’re out of contract then get a second phone and stop using your old phone.

Berthatydfil · 14/02/2022 08:49

Log out of your Facebook, messenger email etc and make sure all devices are logged out, set up a brand new rescue email for theses and then change your email password. Ensure your rescue email is linked to your new one.

Turn off location services on your phone.
Check if you have find my phone enabled if you have an iPhone and what devices are linked to it.

CannibalQueen · 14/02/2022 08:53

New phone for everyone else; keep old phone for him and only him. You must know this already. If you are thinking this way, then you'll never trust your old phone again anyway. And yes, DON'T download all your old apps. Make a note of the ones you like and download them fresh from a new account and use a different password otherwise you'll get all the old stuff and the tracker, coming with them. Has to be fresh. You'll still have that old stuff on the old phone if you need to check anything.

ShadowsInTheDarkness · 14/02/2022 08:57

WhatsApp can be accessed from a PC can't it? So it's possible he's getting into your WhatsApp remotely?

I know that there are key logging things that can be installed on pcs and laptops so that they can see everything you've typed, as my ex tried to install one on my laptop when we were separated. I don't know if that kind of thing works on phones but that's another possibility to consider. The other possibility if he's aware of places you've been is an AirTag attached somewhere discreet like your bag or car. You wouldn't know it was there unless you had an iPhone as androids don't pick them up and they would give him continuous information about your location.

I would strongly advise reporting this on the non emergency police number as it may come in handy if he escalates as the police will already have a record of his behaviour and will be in a better position to deal with him.

lunar1 · 14/02/2022 09:17

Check your bags as well. Apple make those really small tracking devices for stalkers. The could easily be placed in bags, pockets, cars etc.

Useranon1 · 14/02/2022 09:23

Check to see what devices your whatsap is logged in to - you can get access to it via desktop so its possible he's logged in as you elsewhere.

ArtemisDarling · 14/02/2022 09:32

I really would not make stuff up and reference things like hangovers. Or he will try and use it to say you are an alcoholic and unfit to have the kids.

(DSis has been exactly there).

I agree with either a completely new phone for everyone except him or go to phone experts to get them to wipe stuff.