He has stormed out AGAIN in a temper

[Workinghardeveryday]

Don’t even know what to say or where to start.

Just wanted to not feel alone and upset again

This is classic abuse and when I was younger did not know anything about the different types of abuse and wish I had as would have left at first sign of it but then you are so far in that you lose your confidence and can not think clearly when stuck in that situation. He sounds like a narcissist and now is looking for sympathy and to lay it all on you. Then you can feel guilty and he gets attention and the cycle begins over and over. This is not a healthy environment to be living in or for children as all walking on egg shells and him and his silent treatments and storming off. I could not live like this as peace of mind counts for so much. Please ring women's aid and talk to someone and keep talking to them as this is not the life you want for the future. You also sound very isolated so easier for him to manipulate you. Please make changes to your life and for your children's sake if not yours as his anger will affect them.

Has he ever been physically abusive op?

He silences you and shuts you down when you ask for anything, support, reassurance, love, attention, anything.

You know he gives nothing, he is a taker and believe me if you ever managed to break these bonds he would miss your devotion.

He knows what he gets from you but he would never be thankful or appreciative because that's not how abuse works.
He is a nasty selfish person, through and through and you are too nice for him.
He is an abuser.

Find your local Woman's Aid number and have a talk.
You may find your fear lessens if you have an friend or some adult support.

It's the fear that keeps you frozen, unable to move.

You have friends in us, keep posting.
x

He is shouting at you and making you feel bad so he is conditioning you to never answer him back again or to complain or to have any personality and to just exist for him. Fear is what you are feeling. You need to contact women's aid and get some help and you will be so surprised when you are out of the situation that you wish you had done it sooner as you will feel as if you can breathe again. I was never afraid to leave as did it for my son as was not bringing my son up in that atmosphere. Children to hear and sense things and they will grow up with severe anxiety. You are stronger than you think and just because you feel like you are falling apart the first night you left, we have all gone through hard times but it does get easier. You have an inner strength which you have to find and once you make that first phone call for help believe me it will get better. Am single and am staying single as could not be living with all that drama as life too short.

I understand what you are saying about the kids
Breaks my heart actually. They didn’t really hear anything at all
No, you don't understand. If you did, you would care more about the damage you ARE causing them and less about your desire to not 'be alone'.
Everything is about you, there is no acknowledgement of what you are teaching your children. You are modelling what they will believe a relationship should be. THIS is their 'normal' and they absolutely will be taking it all in no matter how you may deny it.

You have kids?

How alone will you feel if you either end up hundreds of miles away in a domestic abuse refuge or lose your kids because one of them confides in a school teacher?

With each of your posts my heart sank more.
He is abusive,
He is manipulative.
He is turning you into a different person, one who is scared, treading in eggshells for fear of upsetting him.
This situation will deteriorate. He will grind you down further emotionally or / and he will become physically abusive.
You might not think your children are aware but they will be.
Please speak to someone in RL. Call Women’s Aid. Don’t think you are exaggerating , making him sound worse. You won’t.
I thought a lot of the things you are thinking. I heard the same things from my then husband. Until he threatened to kill me and I was out of there.
Your husband sounds very unstable to me. Please get help for you.

Been there, done that, threw the tee shirt out with him.seriously, I did 23 years of this shit, whatever it was it was my fault. What you don’t realise is how much of an effect t has on the children. Get out for their sake as well as yours.

Sorry OP - I was away from my phone. This link explains why trauma bonding occurs www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

I know I need to do a lot of thinking. Just very confused really

He’s not a good partner to you

Being nice some of the time isn’t enough; would you drink some tea that only a small amount of poison in it?

Sounds like my ex. This behaviour never stops it only gets worse and drains the life out of you. Send him a nice text telling him where to go and lock your doors.

It's really sad that you think a foot rub and basic care during periods of illness is special.

This doesn't have to be your life

The 'I didn't mean it' crap.
The being charming and then behaving in am aggressive, repulsive, horrible way.

My father was like that. He ground my mother down and I ended up detesting him.

I don't say this lightly, but you and your DC are better off without him.

Its weird how a lot of ppl think they can't be alone when they are going through domestic abuse. I think abusers mindfuck them into thinking that.

Being on your own is easy. Difficult for a couple of months if you have traumabonded to the abuser of course, but after that, plain sailing. You can watch what TV you like, sleep (diagonally) as much as you want and just live life on your own terms.

Trauma bonding is hard at first to overcome because your body has been I a state of high- low high-low for so long that I doesn't know what to do when the person that governed those emotions (and hormone releases of cortisol and adrenaline ect) its gone. Instead of the rollercoaster, it's free falling for a bit. Hense you waking up screaming. But it is something that can be worked through.

When you have withdrawals from addiction, you need to work through them. Not go back to the drug.

When you leave him, you will make friends too btw.
Plenty of ppl out there will like you. Despite what he might be trying to make you think. There are loads of meetup groups you can find groups of friends. And apps like bumble are really good for making gal pals for a coffee. I've made 2 new friends from that this year alone.

You can do it op. Your kids also deserve a happy mum. And they need to know that people should walk away from toxic partners. So that they don't grow up thinking it is normal to stay in unhappy homes.

Maybe look into him getting a new job? Maybe you should listen to this. My ex had a breakdown because of his job but it was prefaced by years of temper tantrums

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@WonderfulYou but I don’t want him to leave or I will be alone.

I have no friends, none.[/quote]
I’m sorry, but you’re alone now.

Friends can be found.

How old are your children and do you work?

@Workinghardeveryday

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

I know I need to do a lot of thinking. Just very confused really

So find yourself a counsellor. They’ll help you work it out

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@Googlecanthelpme maybe you are right...

Maybe I have a problem with being alone, I don’t know.

Tonight was just typical really. The storming out then the phone call and shouting and screaming. If I don’t say the right thing to make him feel better the worse it will be.

Then he comes home, I go to bed out the way. He txts and apologises for being ‘harsh’. He says horrible things. When he txts he says he was angry and didn’t mean it, that people say things they don’t mean when angry. I wouldn’t![/quote]
He’s not lovely. He’s abusing you

So you try very hard to look how he likes, I take it he has let you know exactly what he likes, many times maybe, and put it on you why he's not being physical - or is that an assumption you've come to?
You can tie yourself up in knots trying to be what you think someone else wants you to be, when really, confidence in backing yourself is a very attractive quality - take me as I am or f**k off, approach.
Look at it the other way round, has he maintained your ideal physique over the years? Is he so perfectly what you want when you look at him? I would guess not. Mostly, men are happy their partners are up for intimacy after years together, a few extra pounds is neither here nor there. He may well have other reasons why he is not up for things and putting it on you is a fake reason to hide his failings.
Constantly, and out of the blue when things are maybe going ok, looking for reassurance about appearance can become irritating, but if that is occurring because of nasty things he's said to you, then you then he is being abusive. It's hard to tell from the little you've said as to whether you keep dragging it back to one moment in time when he said something he shouldn't, or if he has laboured his opinion over the years.

Thank you all so much for the advice.

It’s just so confusing. I agree with everything that has been said, then I think I am the one out of order. Did I cause it for getting upset, I shouldn’t have said anything. Then I think why can’t I talk to my partner about the way I feel without him getting annoyed.

Nearly a year ago he told me he didn’t like my bum. Up until this point he was always over the years made a big deal about it abd how much he loved it. He actually got upset about it, said he would want to have sex more if I had bum implants.

No doubt someone on here will remember my post about it, most people thought of was hilarious and had a good laugh at my expense unfortunately. Maybe it is funny, but to me I just felt and still do extremely unattractive and washed up.

I don’t bring it up often at all. He has made no effort to make me feel better about it even though he knows my confidence is shot.

Even writing that just sounds ridiculous, but it’s how I feel.

It is really confusing OP, they bank on making us confused. Nice one day (foot rubs) then the next, when you ask for something- he blows up.
Then it's you that's ruined everything. So he sulks, gives you silent treatment whilst you fall over trying to make it right (accepting responsibility for it all when it wasn't your issue) to make the peace. He will decide when it's over then slowly thaw out. Then starts being nice again.
No apology EVER.

So you are left thinking.... well he can't be that bad, it's not all the time.. / he does xyz that's great/ everyone else thinks he's a saint therefore I must be wrong/ maybe I'm too sensitive etc etc.

They bank on this so that you stay. It's part of the pattern of narcissistic abusive men. I left one 5 years ago. I'm now fighting him of a child issue and wow I'd forgotten how manipulative he can be. Im all that time separated and divorced and I am STILL confused by him.

Get counselling and work it out, talk it through and make a plan for yourself. You don't need to leave today but considering how the future might look for you... you deserve so much better.

To add, with the return of 'nice' version of the perpetrator- it brings about such relief that it elicits a surge of feel good euphoria that sucks you in all over again. You feel grateful he's not being an arse once more.

It's cyclical and every cycle will destroy you a bit more.

How on earth did you stay with him after that num comment. I'd have been like 'well I'd like you better if you had an entire personality transplant dickhead' and then told him to pack his shit and sod off.

Op I know it's hard when you have low self esteem but surely you can see that he is not behaving the way a partner should. He is unkind and treating you badly.

This is your life journey op. And it should be a journey of self love and acceptance. So why would you surround yourself with anyone who doesn't want those things for you? Who wants to bring bring down instead of lifting you up.

Everyone deserves a partner who is kind and brings kindness into your life. There is literally no point in a partner who isn't like that. Let alone someone who is the exact opposite.

Choose yourself. Because you are good enough. And the only peoples you need to worry about being good enough for are those who love and respect you and that deserve love and respect. That's not him.

I agree so much with all that has been said.

It’s not right or okay and I shouldn’t accept it.

I just need to feel a bit stronger and I will stand my ground and sort this out

@Workinghardeveryday

Thank you all so much for the advice.

It’s just so confusing. I agree with everything that has been said, then I think I am the one out of order. Did I cause it for getting upset, I shouldn’t have said anything. Then I think why can’t I talk to my partner about the way I feel without him getting annoyed.

Nearly a year ago he told me he didn’t like my bum. Up until this point he was always over the years made a big deal about it abd how much he loved it. He actually got upset about it, said he would want to have sex more if I had bum implants.

No doubt someone on here will remember my post about it, most people thought of was hilarious and had a good laugh at my expense unfortunately. Maybe it is funny, but to me I just felt and still do extremely unattractive and washed up.

I don’t bring it up often at all. He has made no effort to make me feel better about it even though he knows my confidence is shot.

Even writing that just sounds ridiculous, but it’s how I feel.

Oh, he's that twat.

After the initial break, I can guarantee you'd feel far, far better and would make friends without him dragging you down and finding new things to criticise you/sob and scream/scream and swear over every week.