He has stormed out AGAIN in a temper

[Workinghardeveryday]

Don’t even know what to say or where to start.

Just wanted to not feel alone and upset again

He just rang me shouting and screaming

No one who loves you would ring you shouting and screaming.

Sometimes when backed into a corner we can lash out and say something we regret but to leave the situation and then ring up shouting and screaming means it’s not him lashing out, it’s actually how he feels.

Honestly OP how long are you going to put up with this?
He’s telling you he’s miserable and will leave one day.

Re a comment that ThisisMax wrote:-

"The best thing is to go for communication or couples coaching where you can both learn to communicate respectfully"

Sadly this comment is wrong. Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. Couples counselling as well is never recommended where there is abuse of ANY type within the relationship.

Honestly OP how long are you going to put up with this?

I was wondering the same. If you have children what on earth are they learning about relationships here?. Two words suffice; damaging lessons.

He says I manipulate! I don’t honestly.

Earlier I opened up and got tearful because I said I felt old and frumpy. That I was really unhappy with my appearance. I try and try to look how he wants me to look but no amount of exercises can change my figure to look how what he finds attractive. He was annoyed straight away but tried a bit to hide it. Said sorry for things he has said in the past. I explained how as he doesn’t ever show interest in me physically obviously it’s going to keep going back to what he says for me.

Sat down after bath and he was clearly arsey. I just asked if there was something he wanted to say as it was obvious he was annoyed. He accused me of being manipulative. Then I explained in the situation he was referring to I was being very selfless and putting his feelings first (him going out tomorrow night with boys, on Valentine’s Day), I was clearly not. I really really wasn’t. I wanted him to go out and enjoy himself, tbh I forgot it was Valentine’s when we discussed it. I just can’t win.

@WonderfulYou but I don’t want him to leave or I will be alone.

I have no friends, none.

He is abusive. He will get worse and destroy you.

You really need to consider a future without him.

Own place, you can choose it all, lock the door and be safe.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I understand what you are saying about the kids.

Breaks my heart actually. They didn’t really hear anything at all

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@AttilaTheMeerkat I understand what you are saying about the kids.

Breaks my heart actually. They didn’t really hear anything at all[/quote]
The don't need to hear it to know it's there.

I left this kind of situation. The hardest and best thing I've ever done.

My parents are in an abusive relationship with one another. They won't split up and both want to 'win'.

There is no winning. You've got to get out OP. My mother has turned to alcohol to cope.

Sorry, not saying you are abusive OP but my parents are.

I couldn’t leave if I wanted to.

We nearly split a while ago. I felt strong and thought I could do it. Woke up on the first night in the early hours shouting and screaming in my sleep. Then this horrible horrible feeling came over me. Can’t explain it, like a huge loss. I missed him so much. Sounds pathetic I know. Then did everything I could do to get him back. My heart ached for him. Sounds so cheesy and awful but it’s true. After that time I dont see how I could go through with it and be alone

I think that's trauma bonding OP

'Here's a look at some other characteristics of traumatic bonds: You feel unhappy and may not even like your partner any longer, but you still feel unable to end things. When you do try to leave, you feel physically and emotionally distressed.'

Does he want to be in the marriage? Is that behind a lot of his accusations towards you being ‘manipulative’ in his eyes?

I still think he’s a childish twat.

@BeanAnTae I do feel like that exactly. I have never heard of that. Why does it happen?

First tiny step, can you get some kind of therapy to talk this through. Or even call the national domestic abuse helpline and describe the situation. They can help guide you a bit. Link you with local domestic abuse outreach team, they might offer counselling services all very discreetly.

Talk this over with someone in RL.

Agree about trauma bonding comment

@Workinghardeveryday

I couldn’t leave if I wanted to.

We nearly split a while ago. I felt strong and thought I could do it. Woke up on the first night in the early hours shouting and screaming in my sleep. Then this horrible horrible feeling came over me. Can’t explain it, like a huge loss. I missed him so much. Sounds pathetic I know. Then did everything I could do to get him back. My heart ached for him. Sounds so cheesy and awful but it’s true. After that time I dont see how I could go through with it and be alone

OP with the greatest of respect, the vast majority of people have loved someone and it hasn’t worked out. We deal with it. We move on.

There is nothing different or special about your love / relationship to anyone else’s - I don’t mean to say it’s not special to you - just that you could get over it the same as everyone else does.

People leave, people die…. And the ones left have a choice. Either believe that they are not capable of getting over it or believe that, yes whilst it will be hard, you can get over it.

What you felt wasn’t love, it was fear. Fear of being alone and fear of proving to yourself that you’d be better off without him.

I would think long and hard annoy staying in this relationship because it IS abusive the way he talks to you and gaslights you. But it does also sound like you’re bringing up past hurts and keeping old wounds open and wanting him to make it all better - which he won’t.

This isn’t going to get better. You can stay but it won’t get better. So no you won’t be alone physically but you’ll continue to be alone emotionally.

Spending your life being abused and mistreated because you’re scared to be alone is so sad.
Are you alone because he’s isolated you?

Leave him. Block him on everything. Make friends at work, join a club, take up a hobby.

If you don’t want to leave him then you’re just going to have to accept his behaviour until he leaves you, which he will do.

Darlin', it's not worth the foot rubs...

@Googlecanthelpme maybe you are right...

Maybe I have a problem with being alone, I don’t know.

Tonight was just typical really. The storming out then the phone call and shouting and screaming. If I don’t say the right thing to make him feel better the worse it will be.

Then he comes home, I go to bed out the way. He txts and apologises for being ‘harsh’. He says horrible things. When he txts he says he was angry and didn’t mean it, that people say things they don’t mean when angry. I wouldn’t!

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@WonderfulYou but I don’t want him to leave or I will be alone.

I have no friends, none.[/quote]
I'm prepared to bet that your partner is the reason you have no friends. Tell him not to bother coming back, contact Women's Aid about sorting out your finances, and go out and live your life properly for once.

Literally everything he does - the loveliness, the leaving, the tantrums, the silent treatment, the referring to “if it wasn’t for the kids…” - is all focused on conditioning you to thinking you can’t manage without him. Of course you can. He is doing a number on you OP.

I am just so confused.

I have thought about therapy, but if I did that I worry I would make it out to be worse than it is. Maybe in my head I am exaggerating it?

I just think how lovely he is most of the time, but he is like a closed book. Then I think of the horrible things he has said that we’re out of the blue and really hurtful.

I don’t know what to do

No op they dont say things they dont mean-someone who loves you wouldnt think it let alone say it