50/50 would be every weekend ….?

[Everysingleweekend]

I feel a bit like I’m cracking up here.

I’ve told exOH that I want to separate about 2 months ago - he’s done the grand total of zero since then. Won’t accept any offers from me to buy him out, won’t accept selling the house. Is basically sat in the house interfering in everything I do with the kids and expecting I’ll just back down (because we’ve been here before and I have backed down)

However. He has declared now that they will be spending every weekend with him - because he works shifts. And they will spend no weekends with me because I get the other 50% during the week.

Please somebody talk me down and tell me this isn’t reasonable ? He’s messed with my head so much and is always so adamant that he’s right I’m doubting myself over something which seems so totally unfair to me ?

No judge would give him every single weekend would they? Because ultimately this is what I’ll have to do - deal with a court order - because he finishes before me on a Friday so he can do as he pleases regarding picking up the kids.

I’m terrified of this. Please somebody talk me back from the edge and tell me I will see my kids more than he’s suggesting ?

Any judge will do what is best for the child/children

So it will depends on many factors not just what YOU want

It may be an option for you ex to have the children Friday from school until tea time Saturday if it means the children won't require outside childcare and you don't have to worry about who's picking the children up

Court orders need to be last resorts

Maybe right it must your own timetable you would like maybe every other weekend and different day in the week for an overnight stay if it works with his shifts and or two tea times with their dad.

Think what is best for the child/children and try not to let your feeling be involved

If he is able to finish work earlier on a Friday than you are then surely it makes sense and least disruption for everyone if he has the children atleast on Friday nights ? Do you see what I mean ?

I don't think every weekend is fair. This is down time where the kids should get to spend quality time with their parents. Weekdays (for us at least) mainly consist of dashing between school runs and after school clubs, there's no time for anything fun.

As pp said a court should act in the interests of the children. It won't be based on what you or he wants. Do you think he'll actually enforce court or is he all mouth?

So you get all the school runs, homework, grunt work and no time together at the weekends, and he gets none of the slog. No I doubt very much that the courts would see this as being in their best interest. They need down time with you too. Go back to him and suggest a week on and a week off. If he can’t do proper 50/50 because of shifts then he’ll need to look at changing his work pattern. I’m guessing you work in the week too?

Well I think you have other fish to fry before you even consider access. There’s nothing to discuss if he hasn’t even left the house.

I hope you aren’t making life easy for him by doing his washing and cooking his tea/shopping for him? If you are stop.

You can get a court order to force the sale of the property. Print the documents and leave them somewhere obvious.

Get the house ready for sale, clear out clutter etc and do the odd jobs that need doing - this will show you are serious -

For info - if the sale starts you can offer the same as everyone else - if how it’s done anyway - you sell as a couple and buy as an individual - get your paperwork in order.

I work day time hours yes think 9-5
He works alternate shifts Each week in a pattern so easy to work around as such to arrange a schedule.

I have suggested 50/50 no problem but I didn’t expect that I basically would never see my children again because he happens to finish earlier than me on a Friday & so I can never spend the weekend with my kids because I happen to work 2 hours later than that on a Friday.

Not all parents get 50/50. What do you think is best for your children? I certainly think it is right for children to get to enjoy weekends with each parent in turn. I can't guarantee the court system will work out fairly because it's is "rough justice" at best and deeply flawed and misogynistic at its worst. (and thats the view of my relative who is high up in the system as well).

My best advice is to come up with a sensible proposal that would work. Would you be happy to have different nights in the week to fit around his shifts? Would you be happy to be the default to have them when his shifts don't allow?

How old are the children? And how close do you both live to their schools?

What will the arrangements be for holidays?

I think you need to get this set in court though as it sounds like he’ll ignore any arrangement just to mess with you.

Also, if you can, talk to your work about flexible hours... I now work short days when I have the children and very long days when I don't - I just mark it all up in my calendar at work. I am in a pretty senior role but have made it work

I’m glad to see that abusive men will get what they want if they package it up as “best for the children”.

Best to never spend time with their mother on a weekend. Excellent.

Think about holidays too. How will they be split?

Btw 50:50 arrangement is something I’ve only read about on here. No one I know in real life does that and I have a lot of single parent friends. Exh does one night a week.

It sounds like he will be awkward but don’t panic yet and keep an open mind.

Do you think he will actually want them every weekend if it comes down to it or is he just using it as something else against you. Having the kids on your own every weekend is very different to 2 parents having the kids at home all weekend, he’s not thought it through properly. Does he never ever go out with friends on a weekend? How is he with cooking them meals, doing their washing as he’ll be picking thst up on his time.

My abusive ex said he wanted fifty fifty. It's BS. In reality, he is lazy and doesn't want to do the actual parenting. When DS was small he would bring him back to me early if DS was ill or even if he'd just had enough.

My advice is to keep a diary. Note all the times he parents his children alone. I showed in court that ex was either late or cancelled over fifty percent of his contact time. Ex has every other weekend and a one or two days in the week where he picks up and does tea but no midweek overnights.

On the other hand, a friend has every Friday-Saturday with his child, and mum has most sat to Sundays and it seems to work for them.

@ConfusedNoMore

My abusive ex said he wanted fifty fifty. It's BS. In reality, he is lazy and doesn't want to do the actual parenting. When DS was small he would bring him back to me early if DS was ill or even if he'd just had enough.

My advice is to keep a diary. Note all the times he parents his children alone. I showed in court that ex was either late or cancelled over fifty percent of his contact time. Ex has every other weekend and a one or two days in the week where he picks up and does tea but no midweek overnights.

On the other hand, a friend has every Friday-Saturday with his child, and mum has most sat to Sundays and it seems to work for them.

This is exactly it! I bet he thought he was parenting when you were together when the reality was you were doing most of the parenting and he was just present so 50 50 is a massive step up

He wont want them every weekend when it comes to it. When he gets a girlfriend the reality of it will kick in. If hes anything like my Exh he will be begging after a few months for you to have them because "hows he meant to date?"

The children need time with both their parents - that includes weekends and weekdays. It’s not in their interests for him to have all the weekends.

If he wants 50-50, he’ll need to change his work patterns to accommodate a pattern where he gets half the weekends and also some of the inconvenient midweek stuff too.

Hi OP. I do 50:50 with my ex (and unlike another poster I know quite a few people irl who do too!). To minimise disruption to our DC we do it as pretty much 1 week each (with dinner twice a week with the other parent). However that comes from a place of both genuinely wanting to co-parent and our DC wanting to spend equal time with both of us. No one is coming from a place of wanting to 'get back' at or punish the other.

50:50 where one parent has no weekends isn't fair. It should be alternate weekends so parents and children get adequate down time together - basically there should be an equal split of school days and weekends in a 50:50 arrangement.

If your ex genuinely wants 50:50 and has a shift pattern that means he works nights and/or can't do school pick up/drop off (and can't change his shift pattern) then he needs to make childcare arrangements to cover that. Effectively he wants to use you as his childcare and then hog the weekends. Not on! His need for childcare is not your problem. If an equal split of school days and weekend days isn't feasible for him because of his work pattern and lack of childcare, that indicates that 50:50 isn't a workable option and the children should have a greater proportion of time with you, as your 9-5 job fits better with the school day.

I'd also echo another poster and see if you have flexibility to work a shorter day on the Friday without losing pay. For example, by working a longer day when you don't have the kids.

Could your ex only be going along with 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance?

So, you're not being unreasonable at all. Come up with a sensible, fair plan that centres the children's need for time with both parents and takes into account your working patterns. That way if you do go to court you'll be the reasonable one who can demonstrate they are operating with the best interests of their children at heart.

And lots of OP. It sounds like you're really going through it right now. I hope the responses here help and reassure you that you're not 'cracking up' xxx

Effectively he wants to use you as his childcare and then hog the weekends.

He wants to pay no maintenance and hog the nice bits. Sadly, that’s not an uncommon motivator in men demanding 50-50.

One week he is available after school one week he is not based on shifts.

My proposal would be :
1 weekend each - he picks them up Friday from school and returns them Sunday evening. On my weekend I pick them up from school (or childcare depending on what I can arrange).

He sees them on the week he is available after school for a dinner - they could even stay over I have no problem with this, just from a childcare perspective I don’t think it’s fair that he would have to get them up at 5 to return them to me (or find childcare from then)

If he wanted to get up early I could take them to him for him to do a school drop off on the week he is unavailable because of his shifts.

Holidays split 50/50 down the middle - he has them one half I have them the other (and if he cannot then he should have childcare arranged). 1 week in the summer with him - maybe even 2, 2 with me during this time. Childcare for the other weeks.

I don’t think I am being unfair. I want them to have a relationship with their dad. But I do not want a relationship with him myself - he’s abusive & I don’t want to teach the kids that this is an acceptable way to behave towards other people.

He’s obstructing everything I’m trying to do in sell the house and get away and create a nice life for me and the kids - without his control his moods affecting everything we do. But he won’t accept it’s over.

He’s escalating and I’m scared of what he might do next. He continually argues in front of the kids, this all just isn’t healthy.

But he wants his “half” and nothing less will do for him. He believes the world owes him what he’s entitled to and nothing I say will change that.

Thank you everybody for your advice. & thank you @littleburn for your kind words - I really don’t feel I have anywhere to turn at the moment.

He wants no maintenance.

The fact is, even in the week he can get them from school, he can’t have them stay because getting them up at 5am to drop them with you (so not 50-50 then!) is not in their best interests.

Go to mediation. Be the broken record offering what is in the children’s best interests. And watch him struggle to not sound like he doesn’t really care about the kids.

The thing is @Dyrene I’ve told him I want no money from him. Because that would be another hold he has over us - I’ve told him I’d not ask him for a penny and I really genuinely mean it. I don’t need it - if he wants to save the money for the kids that he would have paid me - great. If not, no skin off my nose.

Also I’m a blubbering mess like 80% of the time and he stays stone faced & confident - and looks like the reasonable one. But it’s not reasonable - I know in my heart it’s not reasonable.

He’s blaming me for him being on shifts not days because of the abuse I’m dealing with. The kids and I are happier when he’s not there.
I said it wasn’t a good idea for him to work days.

I feel like giving up and just running because I cannot reason with unreasonable.

I know several people who have 50/50 custody and none of them get their kids every weekend. He will have to find childcare if he works shifts. You should have the children every other weekend. What’s the betting he will get a gf in a few months and then won’t want them at the weekend at all?

It’s unlikely a court will let him have every weekend.

Does he currently do a roughly equal share of the parenting?

If not I would begin whilst living together by going away one weekend in two (literally not being in the house) and fully looking after the kids the other one. Prep nothing, organise nothing.

You can say to him you are both in agreement that he has x and y weekends so let’s test the system out with those.

Once he’s had a few weekends of truly looking after them for the whole weekend without you sorting anything and completely by himself you might find he’s a lot less keen for 50/50......

I suspect the first thing you need to do is for him to leave the house.
Until then, he is there and messing up with your mind.

His arrangement isn’t fait and he knows this. I suspect he is trying to antagonise you/make you doubt yourself.

I’m wondering if going down the lawyer route wouldn’t help. As in reviewing what is and isn’t ok with a lawyer and then you can confidently say ‘NO. This is not ok. A fair arrangement is …..’
Or even, I’ve checked with my lawyer and this would not be an acceptable arrangement.
(Whether or not you actually want to have a lawyer involved as such is a different subject. I imagine it will depend a lot on whether he actually want to do-parent. Just now he seems to be more antagonistic …)

@wildseas, agree about the idea of actually forcing his hand and letting him look after the dcs for the whole weekend on his own.