50/50 would be every weekend ….?

[Everysingleweekend]

I feel a bit like I’m cracking up here.

I’ve told exOH that I want to separate about 2 months ago - he’s done the grand total of zero since then. Won’t accept any offers from me to buy him out, won’t accept selling the house. Is basically sat in the house interfering in everything I do with the kids and expecting I’ll just back down (because we’ve been here before and I have backed down)

However. He has declared now that they will be spending every weekend with him - because he works shifts. And they will spend no weekends with me because I get the other 50% during the week.

Please somebody talk me down and tell me this isn’t reasonable ? He’s messed with my head so much and is always so adamant that he’s right I’m doubting myself over something which seems so totally unfair to me ?

No judge would give him every single weekend would they? Because ultimately this is what I’ll have to do - deal with a court order - because he finishes before me on a Friday so he can do as he pleases regarding picking up the kids.

I’m terrified of this. Please somebody talk me back from the edge and tell me I will see my kids more than he’s suggesting ?

I’m trying to get legal advice but nobody seems to want to talk to me or call me back.

Next week is the appointment I could get with a solicitor.

@RetireReady

Can he do 50/50 around his work pattern without every weekend, if not then he won't be getting 50/50 unless he changes work pattern. I doubt any judge would say 'yes stick your child in childcare' whilst the other parent is able and willing to look after them. It doesn't make sense and hardly fair on the children

They would actually. A judge would advocate where possible for 50/50 care between parent that wants it, doing alternate weeks at each parents house Monday to Sunday (for example). It is then each parents responsibility to organise whatever is needed for the children during that week.

Your ex is full of shit. Stay calm. Don't engage in communication with him about this until you have seen a solicitor. He is trying to break you.

Take a step back. Think about your long term goals and not just the next email argument.

Got it the Gp

Sleep.

Don't panic.

Don't agree to what you posted earlier about dropping DC to him of a morning if he wants to do a school run, you don't know where he's going to be living yet! What if it adds 2hr to your commute?

I'm not a lawyer but I see it this way. You have to take care of your DC, it's your responsibility. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of DC, you can't pour from an empty cup. You have to take care of your home, because that's linked to the first two things and because it'll bring the best sale value.

But you don't have to take care of him in any way or engage with him at all if he's abusive. You can have your discussions via email about house sale and DC. In person what's to stop you wearing earphones at low volume, so you can still hear DC but have something else to focus on except his voice, and chanting in your head "it's just words and doesn't matter" to whatever he's saying? And saying to email you about it (whatever it is, sounds like an argument for arguments sake 🙄 ) and you'll get back to him, said on repeat like a broken record?

If his abuse escalates because he can't get to you any more with his words and make you visibly upset that way, then you'll have something to report to the police and more chance of getting him out of the house while the sale goes through.

@YoBeaches I have been through court system with this argument

[quote RetireReady]@YoBeaches I have been through court system with this argument[/quote]
Same.

Having any amount of custody doesn't mean kids are glued to your hip. After school clubs, breakfast clubs, childminders, family members, friends, you're still allowed to utilise those services when the child is in your care, regardless of what the other parent is doing. In fact to prove you are fit to have any custody is to prove you can provide the care the child needs round the clock whilst they are in your care.

But different circumstances will result in different outcomes in court.

Just in case this helps anybody else here.

I have spoken to two solicitors. There are ways and means to force the sale of the house through the courts - though it’s not cheap. They’re quoting £15-20K for this.

One recommended that as there are children and a possible court case for the childrens access will happen that I should try mediation.

So I spoke to a mediator for a MIAM on Thursday. They’re contacting him now. (Or actually based on the next bit I believe they have)

He has now taken on a more reasonable tone & wants to discuss. He’s also supposedly given his ID to an estate agent to sell the house. So will know on Monday if this is the case.

He is still adamant that he’s having the kids every single weekend; the mediator said that’s not quality time for you & not what anybody would look to award for him. I was hoping that they would be able to knock some sense into him tbh.

He’s now rehomed my rabbit whilst I’ve been away with the children for the weekend - in retaliation I guess. Citing that I don’t look after the rabbit or spend any time with him. This was without discussion or agreement and I had no idea this would happen.

He’s also refusing to swap weekends for an important family event (to which I’ve given him 2 weekends in a row in order to do a swap) it also happens to be Mother’s Day weekend which he’s now decided that he’s going to take them to see his mother - as that’s more important than Mother’s Day with their actual mother.

I am literally tearing my hair out. Whilst he adamantly states it’s me that’s the problem.

@Everysingleweekend
I am so sorry to hear about your pet. Did you have legal ownership of the rabbit? If yes, please consider reporting him as pets are property.
What he has done is in essence a classic act of domestic abuse, particularly since there was no discussion with you on whether your pet needed to be re-homed.
Please inform him that you will have no other choice, but to report him for abuse. Let us know how he responds!

I'm sorry you're going through this. The court awarded my friend's husband every weekend. He picked the children up Friday night and dropped them home Sunday late afternoon. My friend finished work at 3pm daily and the judge felt that every single evening Sunday-Thursday was equivalent to the weekend. The children were 6 and 8 at the time and it stayed this way until the children asked to alternate when they became teenagers.

Wow that's horrendous.

We have 50/50, however I've nearly always been the main career since they were babies due to her work pattern career. My business is set up specifically to cater for this.
So a week on week off.
I don't use childcare on my weeks, she does and her new partner picks up the slack the rest of the time.
Mediation and solicitors usually enable animosity and bad feeling so I'd avoid them unless completely necessary.
The sniping between each other will eventually subside.
Or should do.

Your ex is abusive - the rabbit being a prime example. It is said that mediation with an abuser is not effective (certainly it was impossible/useless for my partner with his ex) - therefore I would start preparing the trail now for anything that helps you in court.
Ensure a written trace of everything - texts, emails. Always be the reasonable one in this evidence - never crack no matter how provoked!
It’s a long tough road but a court judgement that is water tight on logistics will pay dividends in your sanity. I’m speaking from experience.
If your ex really wants 50/50 then he needs to demonstrate how he’s made adjustments to his life to make that work to the benefit of the children.
CMS is a separate issue. In my view, unless there is some circumstance eg your ex is ill, you should always take what you are entitled to - you can save it for your children if you don’t need it.

@Everysingleweekend Hi Op I had exactly same situation, it went to court and there was no discussion, children need quality time with bot parents so weekends were split between us. I think its also seen as a cheeky move if other parent want to do the "easy" stuff and dont do school runs, docs appointments, after school clubs etc. please dont worry. Hope it all goes well 🌻