50/50 would be every weekend ….?

[Everysingleweekend]

I feel a bit like I’m cracking up here.

I’ve told exOH that I want to separate about 2 months ago - he’s done the grand total of zero since then. Won’t accept any offers from me to buy him out, won’t accept selling the house. Is basically sat in the house interfering in everything I do with the kids and expecting I’ll just back down (because we’ve been here before and I have backed down)

However. He has declared now that they will be spending every weekend with him - because he works shifts. And they will spend no weekends with me because I get the other 50% during the week.

Please somebody talk me down and tell me this isn’t reasonable ? He’s messed with my head so much and is always so adamant that he’s right I’m doubting myself over something which seems so totally unfair to me ?

No judge would give him every single weekend would they? Because ultimately this is what I’ll have to do - deal with a court order - because he finishes before me on a Friday so he can do as he pleases regarding picking up the kids.

I’m terrified of this. Please somebody talk me back from the edge and tell me I will see my kids more than he’s suggesting ?

There’s a lot going on here. You say he is abusive. If that is the case then mediation will not work and most mediators will refuse to mediate if a party cites abuse. Also if you are citing he is abusive, why are you starting with 50/50 contact? (I ask because of you go to court going for 50/50 and in the next breath say he is abusive, a judge will look at you slightly askance)

That leaves you will trying to do this amicably or via court.

If via court, no it is highly unlikely that a judge will award all weekends to him. The courts recognise the value of quality downtime with both parents. The fact that you finish a few hours later than him on a Friday is neither here nor there. Plenty of children do after school clubs/ utilise child minders etc.

Document everything you are trying to negotiate. Via emails. Keep a diary.
Don’t state you don’t want his money at this stage, whilst you may not receive any CMS on 50/50 arrangement, there is a Given that costs for school trips/ lunches/ uniform etc are split. You should not be footing those costs 100%.

Plenty of people make 50/50 work. I personally have a 60/40 arrangement and we are perfectly amicable so flex it to suit work dinners etc. your challenge is trying to make it work with someone who is being so difficult.

Mediators can offer shuttle mediation where there has been abuse.

Or your solicitors can negotiate on your behalf.

I do 50/50 and most of the people I know in my situation do too. Never understand why you wouldn't if both parents are involved and a good parent etc.

The answer is no. A judge won't let him have every weekend. You need to say no and that you are will long to go to court over it if he wants. He won't want it in the long run trust me!!

I am not proposing 50/50 at all. I am proposing every other weekend. A midweek tea when it works for him and his shifts and more over the holidays.

I think this is fair to the children.
I do not think week about would work - 50/50 with somebody who abuses me will not work but there’s nothing I can do if that’s what the court awards.

I’ve been paralysed for years with indecision based on his behaviour whether I would want to leave the children with him but it’s got to the point now where I cannot physically cope staying with him. It’s making me unwell - really very unwell.

He has been abusive to me - and I can prove this hopefully but I cannot prove that he has hurt or abused the children. Whilst I don’t agree with his parenting and I think a lot of the time it relies on shouting and threats - the court will not see this as a reason to stop contact. So this is the reason I will allow this to move forward in terms of him having the children. I am hoping that as they grow up more they begin to realise what he is like and they will vote with their feet.

But until that point I’m now paralysed again because of his escalating behaviour towards me in terms of threats around taking the children, that I’m trying to screw him over on the cost of the house (at an estate agent valuation but he’s had people in whilst I was working who have given a value circa £50K higher - so I’m now confused about that) and he’s trying to stop me from leaving the house when he starts on me because I’m “upsettting the children” - but what else can I do??

I have spent the weekend out of our house this weekend and left the kids with him - because I took them out last weekend and I intend to take them away next weekend. I thought it was only fair.

I also do true 50/50 - I have DS one week, the next he is with his dad, 7 days each.
We did start by trying it slightly more haphazard but DS was too unsettled. It works really well for us. I had to slightly alter my working hours so I do longer when DS is at his dads, ExH did the same.
We didn’t finalise the arrangements until after the house was sold and we lived separately.

@Everysingleweekend you REALLY need to speak to a lawyer and get this all sorted. You say your h is making you ill with his emotional/psychological abuse and you’re feeling awful while he stands there smugly asserting xy and z. Your solicitor will advise you re forcing a sale of the house, access etc etc. This should give you confidence and reassurance, please do it as part of self care for you and your children rather than him messing with you.

Get all estate agent offers in writing -recommended sale price and fees. You do it and tell him to do the same. Then look on Rightmove at what similar properties are listed for.

The key is to catalog and keep record of everything such that if the court has to force the house sale, you can prove you have tried to be entirely reasonable.

Re the abuse? I don’t really know what to advise. I do think you should be getting legal advice however. If you wish to move forward on the abuse claims then there are two channels. There is obviously getting the police involved as DV is a criminal offence. There are then the family courts - who will have their own process for fact finds etc - as it directly impacts contact arrangements over children. The crossover when there are children means the police have to tread a lot more carefully and they tend to let the family courts take the lead.

You need a lawyer to map out what this process looks like. You may also want to read up in the divorce/ separation section as many posters there have been through this and can give you the right advice.

I agree.

Seeing the abuse you are describing, you need a lawyer to at the very least guide you on how to respond to him.
See if Women Aid can direct you towards a divorce lawyer in your area.

After that, the best answer is to grey rock him as much as possible. And check up on MN when he is playing with your mind again and makes you wonder if what you are asking is crazy or not.

For some context on "true" 50/50 time OP, myself and Exh arranged it so I have the kids every Monday, Tuesday and every other Friday/Saturday/Sunday. If he wants 50/50 he needs to do a couple of days in the week too.

Doesn't sound like he will actually want 50/50 though, just wants to be a weekend Disney dad.

I agree - talk to womens aid. Your proposal seems workable. Stick with that. Many many families have that arrangement.

I would doubt very much that the court would give him every weekend. He is trying to scare and control you.
How old are your kids?? Are they old enough got the court to listen to them?

I would continue to pursue what you think is reasonable, speak to womens aid, keep a diary and vent on here. He’s clearly a dickhead and you are well rid

I don't know if it would be useful, but Ive been thinking for myself to document the weekend time he actually spends with them. We're not split up yet. I know I'm my H case he thinks he does so much, whereas he would do maximum 25%, mostly more like 15% of the weekend caring for the DC. He'll often disappear into the office without a word to play computer games for a few hours. I can't see how the court would think it was in DC best interests for him to get every weekend, especially if you've been the primary carer while your both working.

If he refuses to sell the house you will need a court order to do that. Don't show your hand, you may need space to negotiate and give ground later, don't tell him you don't want CS or anything like that. You're not going to get anywhere expecting him to be reasonable. He's not going to behave better in seperation then he did while you were together. Grey rock, don't get draw into arguments, find out if you qualify to skip mediation, then speak to a lawyer and get them to start the ball rolling for divorce, financial consent orders and child arrangement orders.

@Littlegoth

So you get all the school runs, homework, grunt work and no time together at the weekends, and he gets none of the slog. No I doubt very much that the courts would see this as being in their best interest. They need down time with you too. Go back to him and suggest a week on and a week off. If he can’t do proper 50/50 because of shifts then he’ll need to look at changing his work pattern. I’m guessing you work in the week too?

A court will not find that Monday to Friday if homework school runs etc equates to quality time at the weekend. Either week on and week off or share Monday to Friday and share weekend but be careful what ever you agree now a court will probably impose as ‘current and workable’ so either he does whole week on and the whole week off or he becomes more reasonable about quality time

The court would never give him every weekend. They expect children to have quality time with both parents and doing the mundane routine during the week is not quality time.

Thank you all for your input and advice.
I think I knew he was being unreasonable but I honestly felt like I’d lost it after everything that’s happened this weekend. He was so confident he was right & I was wrong. Which is the way it has been throughout our relationship. He dictates and I get so confused I can’t argue back.

I am going to book to see a solicitor this week - hopefully they will be able to guide me so that I can assertively tell him no.

He has also forwarded me his valuations of the house to which I simply replied excellent please market the property to sell immediately.

I have as yet had no response to this and I doubt I will, I also doubt he will market the house but we shall see….

I was feeling so low this weekend and you all have helped to fill me with some confidence that strangers who don’t know us also don’t think him having every weekend is fair. So genuinely thank you so much!

He is now blackmailing me. If I don’t agree to his demands about the kids (which he currently won’t tell me - more games), he’s going to refuse permission to sell the house.

Says I’ll be liable for his solicitors fees if he has to go to court over the kids - this isn’t true is it ?

Because no doubt he’s going to propose that he has them every weekend which I don’t agree to.

I can’t get to see a solicitor till next week.

I’m so stressed I feel like I’m at breaking point.

Excellent thing about the lawyer.

I’d also organise a visit form an EA yourself to ask for an evaluation. I wouldn’t take his evaluation as gospel tbh.

Re his blackmail.
I’d tell him you are going to think about it and wait until you have your meeting with your lawyer. Make a list if all the crazy things he has told you and Aka the lawyer about it.
So yes about the dcs and every weekend but his solicitor fees (what the heck?) etc…

That’s not how divorce works. Fortunately neither party can unilaterally demand how it works. They can try (many do) and that is why family courts have to step in.

Do you have his refusal in writing? Or was it verbal?

Log everything in email. If this goes to court, technically the court costs are met (for both sides) from the existing marital assets. So he clearly has zero clue as to the process. Have you taken legal advice?

@sassbott we aren’t married so it’s not divorce. Which is why I’m in such a mess. There’s a much easier route to take to get a divorce.

No it’s verbal but he’s going to put his demands in writing to me - so I will try to get him to confirm that’s his blackmail attempt.

Says I deserve it because I won’t try and keep the family together.

That he’s entitled to the kids so they have stability - because I’m not stable I’m told. So clearly now need to prove my state of mind to the GP tomorrow.

How old are the children?

The family courts are still involved in child contact arrangements even if the parents are not married.
In the event of you paying costs? IF you cannot agree contact terms then he is absolutely within his rights to file an application to the family court. And on that he can also reserve the right to say he wants to apply for costs. From recollection that’s a standard box on the form (I sort of lived through some of this with an exp).

He will have to prove however that you have been obstructive for a judge to award that. Which is why I’m saying to make all your offers in writing, communications need to be child orientated and what you feel is best for the children (which is categorically spending weekends with both of you).

Why are you going to the GP to prove you are stable?

Can he do 50/50 around his work pattern without every weekend, if not then he won't be getting 50/50 unless he changes work pattern. I doubt any judge would say 'yes stick your child in childcare' whilst the other parent is able and willing to look after them. It doesn't make sense and hardly fair on the children

Please get legal advice. Have you taken that step?

He’s claiming I’m unstable - simply because he’s decided I couldn’t possibly be in my right mind to want to end the relationship.

I’m also at breaking point - GP might help.

The children are 3 & 7.