I’m very worried about my sister’s boyfriend

[Cinnamondreams]

I hope I won’t be seen as a busy body because I could really do with some help.
I’m getting very concerned about my younger sister who I have noticed some changes with as she seems to be withdrawing from us. Now I want to make clear that I don’t want her to break up with this man just because I don’t like him, but I am very worried that something is going on.
She’s such a lovely girl and so kind hearted, but she has very obviously started to withdraw from our family. I don’t know how to say this in a nicer way but her boyfriend gives me the creeps. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who made me feel that way! I know this makes me sound crazy or overbearing, but I can’t help it. Even my husband has picked up that something about him is strange, but he has had less interactions with him.
It’s difficult to explain but everything about him seems fake, even the smile. I have no idea what’s going on but my sister has also gotten more reserved and quiet, whereas we talked a lot previously. I have never criticised this man to her, but I think he has picked up that I don’t particularly like him.
I spotted a bruise on her when I last saw her. She seemed embarrassed when I asked her what happened, but explained it and even rolled up her sleeve. Now I am not suggesting that she is being abused, but at that moment I got this nasty feeling in my stomach that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Her first ever relationship had been absolutely catastrophic, but she hadn’t confided in anyone until things got so bad that they could not be ignored any more. I remember how I felt when I found out back then, and how broken she was by the time she confided in me. I have this feeling again but I don’t know how to reach her without making her turn away even more. All I want is for her to be safe and happy, but I don’t know what to do.
It’s so difficult to explain, I hope I don’t sound like a hysterical nutcase. I’ve never had any concerns about her previous partners who were all nice and decent guys, but there is something quite different about this one.
Am I being overbearing? How can I get her to open up in case she is in trouble?

@BEAM123 thank you so much. She can obviously stay as long as she likes, we have a guest room so it’s hers. I think her biggest fear is judgement so I didn’t say anything but just told her that I’m here if she wants to talk. We’re all working so realistically I can only take her away next weekend if she stays this long. She fits in so well and just helps out wherever she can, she really is no bother at all, but I know her and that she will see herself that way.
I really hope she has blocked him, but there is little I can do. My no go is him in my home now, and that’s not too much to ask.

We have agreed to do the freedom program together, which I is good news I guess. I’m not sure if she’ll actually do it because she has gone to see him again, so we will see. I have reached the point where I think I have done everything I could and I can’t push her to do something.
I found out where some of his money comes from and while it’s not illegal it should be enough to make her run, but she doesn’t. He’s also a coke head, which is also a major red flag and a stark reminder of her disastrous relationship.
I’m just tired now, and she changes her mind I am inclined to withdraw, even if this sounds horrible.

I am sorry, I hope she came back to yours again last night. If she doesn't do the freedom programme now, she might still later so don't cut her off, keep communication open even if you decide to stop actively trying to help.
You are a great sister.

I still think it's worth doing the Claire's Law search, if he has been here any period of time there may be prior information.

Can you approach it from the coke angle? How unwise it is to be in a relationship with a cokehead because they are potentially so unstable and selfish?
Would she recognise that as a legitimate concern on your part OP?

@BEAM123 I’ll do the Clare’s law request today. ASI said he usually seems very composed and “staged” but given there are drugs this can’t be true at all times.

@heldinadream She isn’t happy about the drugs and doesn’t take any herself (bar alcohol). There has been an incident where he did shout her down when high on it and she got scared. But here we are..

Im sorry, sometimes I just get so tired and frustrated and I feel like giving up.

I fully understand why you get tired of it all OP. She's obviously vulnerable but it's not that easy to help people, no matter how much you love them or how close you are to them.
Hang in there if you can.

Please don't feel bad about getting tired, it is totally normal and you will ebb and flow however long this situation goes on for.

Your job is to love her and be available for her. You cannot rescue her until she is ready to be rescued.

But you can gather facts and point things out, get her away for breaks when she will hopefully see what life is like away from his control, and gradually nudge her and give her confidence that when she is ready to be rescued, she has the internal strength and the support network around her to make that step.

You are doing all the right things and the most that you can currently do.

Hope this helps a bit

Thanks all. I appreciate the support. There are times when I feel like just giving up on her and then I feel guilty because it’s mean.
Sorry for the constant moaning 😩 I wish I could just put the guy in a box and ship him off to the other side of the world.

Definitely this!

If she is in a coercive/controlling situation, she might not want to hear your thoughts on him and thus might cause her to distance further. I think a gentle chat as suggested above and reminding her you're always there for her, is a solid approach.

this IS awful OP and you’re right be really concerned. Not sure what advice to give except to keep him onside maybe? O

I haven’t badmouthed him even if I wanted to, even when she told me things. I’ll try to be friendly but I don’t particularly want him in my house or around my daughter because he is bad news.
There are so many red flags that she suddenly doesn’t see any more, and she would have before.

Good news: we are doing the freedom program together, and the CL enquiry came up blank.
But… she told him that we’ll be doing the freedom program 🤦‍♀️

Get her a chance .

Sorry, what do you mean?

Great that you're doing the FP.
Not great that she told him.
You seem to be doing a brilliant job trying to support her OP. I hope one day she'll be free of him and understand what you've done for her.

There was a post on here this week that had an excellent link to Interpol ?

You could put in any details e.g age/ surname etc and see photos of 'wanted' people ?

Ah, found it !

www.interpol.int/en/How-we-work/Notices/View-Red-Notices

Check to see if you can find him on here ? i was thinking he could be on there for either drug charges/courier charges ? Or maybe if he's got previous for scamming women ?

Thank you very much. Unfortunately he isn’t listed. I searched the range of very one falling in the general age bracket.
Apparently he did rip off his parents. It surprised me that my sister didn’t seem bothered by it but he seems to justify it by claiming they had treated him badly.
At least it explains why he avoids the topic of family which had obviously come up in previous conversations.
We will be meeting them in town for a drink this weekend. I’ll make sure to be as friendly as possible.