I’m very worried about my sister’s boyfriend

[Cinnamondreams]

I hope I won’t be seen as a busy body because I could really do with some help.
I’m getting very concerned about my younger sister who I have noticed some changes with as she seems to be withdrawing from us. Now I want to make clear that I don’t want her to break up with this man just because I don’t like him, but I am very worried that something is going on.
She’s such a lovely girl and so kind hearted, but she has very obviously started to withdraw from our family. I don’t know how to say this in a nicer way but her boyfriend gives me the creeps. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who made me feel that way! I know this makes me sound crazy or overbearing, but I can’t help it. Even my husband has picked up that something about him is strange, but he has had less interactions with him.
It’s difficult to explain but everything about him seems fake, even the smile. I have no idea what’s going on but my sister has also gotten more reserved and quiet, whereas we talked a lot previously. I have never criticised this man to her, but I think he has picked up that I don’t particularly like him.
I spotted a bruise on her when I last saw her. She seemed embarrassed when I asked her what happened, but explained it and even rolled up her sleeve. Now I am not suggesting that she is being abused, but at that moment I got this nasty feeling in my stomach that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Her first ever relationship had been absolutely catastrophic, but she hadn’t confided in anyone until things got so bad that they could not be ignored any more. I remember how I felt when I found out back then, and how broken she was by the time she confided in me. I have this feeling again but I don’t know how to reach her without making her turn away even more. All I want is for her to be safe and happy, but I don’t know what to do.
It’s so difficult to explain, I hope I don’t sound like a hysterical nutcase. I’ve never had any concerns about her previous partners who were all nice and decent guys, but there is something quite different about this one.
Am I being overbearing? How can I get her to open up in case she is in trouble?

are your parents around?

What an awful situation x

Did you ask the police about him? I think this is at the very least coercive control.

Did you ever do a Clare law search ? Do you know his status here, as a EU citizen he'll need to have a status here now post Brexit. Can you find any of his ex's online to get background on him ? If he's this bad she'll not be his first controlled partner

Apparently “only” one case of harassment, but he lived in 2 countries before coming to the UK. I know this might not mean anything but doesn’t help trying to trace him.
I wouldn’t know how to find any ex partners because he doesn’t seem to use social media (at least not under his name). I’d be worried this would get back to him and cause problems for my sister then.

This is extremely worrying OP and I really feel for you and your poor sister. Sending you love and strength.

I am going to send you a PM as I might be able to help you a little.

Sadly our parents aren’t around any more (hence the inheritance), so I can’t reach out to them. My husband is growing tired of the topic and I can’t blame him…I reach that point too at times.
I wouldn’t be on speaking terms with her friends but she still sees them from time to time. At least she tells me she does.
Thats a good idea though. I know her best friend didn’t like him so I think I’ll reach out to her to ask if she noticed a change in my sister.

This is such a worry for you OP. All you can do is tell her you are concerned and that your door will always be open.

Did she meet him online or in person?

She asked what did he see in her

I think you have your answer

£££££££££

and a visa

Of course he wants to buy property

Why not check out if he has actually got a visa to be here.

Can you suggest you both do the Freedom Programme. Or ask her friends if someone can make up some pretext that they are doing the Freedom Programme and could she do it along side them. As though she is helping the friend out. Or you make up a pretext to do it.

I would also tell her that if she does decide to buy any property with this guy or anyone, even one of her friends that she ring fences her percentage input and make sure that it is worded so that it is protected even if she gets married.
If they are together forever it won’t mean anything and if they break up then it makes everything much simpler whether they are married or not.

That is good advice even if everyone loved her bf

I would kill this romance with kindness.

I don’t know if you can do it. I have someone who is family who creeps me out.
and I struggle to be civil to him.

Can you invite them both out for a meal or go to the pub for a drink or start to regularly meet up with not just your sister on her own but also with him.
Be openly nice to him whilst starting to ask questions to him about his life and background and deflecting any questions he asks or turning them back on him.

Its a tightrope between showing your sister you really don’t like this guy and showing her just enough for her work out herself that there are red flags and she needs to end it.

@Kennykenkencat Mh yes, i could try to get her to join me in doing a program. But I am not sure how to package it without making it too obvious. I’ll have a think about this!

He has plenty of money and has a settled status. He doesn’t “need” hers, but I guess that never stopped people.
I know she doesn’t have great self esteem, but a decent partner would build you up. He is quite good looking, clever, and arrogant, and I think it makes her feel worse about herself. I guess that’s not something i can blame him for though.

If your sister doesn’t have a good job then she must be even more careful.

i have a friend who married someone who swore to her he wasn’t marrying her for a visa but then started to apply for his visa when they were married. He was an illegal immigrant who had been refused leave to remain years before but had remained in the Uk

To everyone who asked he claimed he was a refugee and if he returned to his country he would be killed.
Every year he returned to his country for 2 months leaving my friend and their children to return home.

There is a clause in the visa application whereby if you are married your spouse must earn over a certain amount in order for the visa application to have any chance of succeeding.
My friend wasn’t earning a great deal. Certainly not enough to sponsor her husband.
However there is a line in the regulations whereby if the “sponsor” is registered disabled then the ruling on the income doesn’t apply.

There was an accident quite early on in there marriage that her now ex husband caused that left her disabled.
It was going through her paperwork and timeline in her marriage for her divorce that we had spread out in front of us that the question that had to be raised was if the accident was actually an accident or not.

It took her 22 miserable years to get herself out of the marriage.
She stayed because he always threatened to take the children back to his country and she would never see them again

I would if you can’t get her to go along with a friend or you insist that she does the freedom programme herself.

If it doesn’t apply to her and her relationship is hunky dory then all good
But for a relatively new romance even if everyone was against their relationship she should still be feeling happy not miserable, reserved and overwhelmed

I know she says she feels he is more intelligent than her and better than her

Why? Who said that?

If he was so much more intelligent and better than her then surely she should be asking the question why he is with her.

Why he isn’t with someone more on his own level.

What is so wrong with him that women on his level don’t want him.

This relationship screams of coercive control. Just because someone doesn’t beat you up doesn’t mean you are not being abused.

You say he has settled status and he might well do but have you actually checked, seems documentation.

As I said my friend married someone who swore he had the right to be in the U.K. (He was also from Europe. A non EU one)

I have not seen his passport, no. I’ll ask my sister if she has seen any documents.

I’m sorry your sister is still in this relationship.

There is not much you can do as she’s too much under his spell.

What you can do is act very supportive of both of them so you’re kept in the loop and it’s easier to give her advice.

He wants to buy a place together - great! How exciting for them! But make sure she gets the contract drawn up properly as you’ve heard so many horror stories etc.

Its also important that you build her self esteem up too - tell her how smart she is and pretty. How all the men are attracted to her and how lucky he is to have her.
Right now she forgets she has options and think she can’t do any better than him.

Hopefully soon she will see the light.

Does he actually have plenty of money - or does he have plenty of Other People's money and has earmarked your sister's inheritance as his own to add to his pot?

Thank you. She IS very pretty and also an amazing person, and she’d be the first to run to your aid.
Her self esteem has always been an issue, as well as some general mh issues. I’ll try to focus on her self esteem so she will hopefully soon see that he is just a fake chameleon and that she can do so much better.

I don’t know any details. I just know that he has a very good job and that he also has investments. At least it’s what she said because he has paper work lying around. He gets my sister things she couldn’t afford too.
He (allegedly) doesn’t have family and not many friends. As I said he is weird but that’s just my feeling.

Earlier you said she wouldn't be moving in after her last disastrous relationship and that you'd see it as a red flag.
It is well known that abusers ramp up the abuse once they have you trapped, ie, when you move in together.

I do see it as a huge red flag, but I see the whole buying a place together as an even bigger one. I just can’t make her see it.
I reached out to her friend.

Where has he got money from? Does he have a job ? Could he be after her inheritance? Where did she meet him?

If he has so much money then why doesn’t your sister buy a place to rent out with her inheritance and he can buy one with his money then your sister can choose to move on or not. Why does he need your sisters money to buy a place

It won’t be enough money to buy a place outright. She doesn’t earn a lot and isn’t great with saving. That’s why she thinks this is her one chance to get a place other than a room in a house share.
Look we have offered to help her out before, even though we don’t have lots either. She didn’t want it, insisted she stands on her own two feet, etc. Now this.
He has enough to buy but she seems “desperate” to chip in her money because then it will be theirs and not his.

And here we go. Surprise, surprise, I had been right. Not that it matters.
My sister has been confiding in her friend who likewise does not like the guy. I obviously won’t be telling my sister I know, because then she will not talk to either of us.
While I am not happy with what I learned I am “relieved” that she is at least talking to people, which is the most important thing.
I’ll pretend I don’t know and I will invite the delightful fucker along with her, and I’ll make sure to be as sweet as possible.
Thanks all! I appreciate the pep talk when I felt like there is nothing left to do.

I have her with me now,, though she doesn’t want to talk much. I hope she won’t run back in a few days time, but there is only so much I can do.
I think she has realised something herself rather than anyone talking her into leaving.

Good luck and I hope she stays with you for long enough to start to be able to shake off his influence. You don't say how long she might be with you, but can you whisk her away for a 'surprise holiday' or anything to keep her for longer?

You are doing an amazing job of keeping up the steady support.