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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m very worried about my sister’s boyfriend

68 replies

Cinnamondreams · 12/02/2022 15:17

I hope I won’t be seen as a busy body because I could really do with some help.
I’m getting very concerned about my younger sister who I have noticed some changes with as she seems to be withdrawing from us. Now I want to make clear that I don’t want her to break up with this man just because I don’t like him, but I am very worried that something is going on.
She’s such a lovely girl and so kind hearted, but she has very obviously started to withdraw from our family. I don’t know how to say this in a nicer way but her boyfriend gives me the creeps. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who made me feel that way! I know this makes me sound crazy or overbearing, but I can’t help it. Even my husband has picked up that something about him is strange, but he has had less interactions with him.
It’s difficult to explain but everything about him seems fake, even the smile. I have no idea what’s going on but my sister has also gotten more reserved and quiet, whereas we talked a lot previously. I have never criticised this man to her, but I think he has picked up that I don’t particularly like him.
I spotted a bruise on her when I last saw her. She seemed embarrassed when I asked her what happened, but explained it and even rolled up her sleeve. Now I am not suggesting that she is being abused, but at that moment I got this nasty feeling in my stomach that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Her first ever relationship had been absolutely catastrophic, but she hadn’t confided in anyone until things got so bad that they could not be ignored any more. I remember how I felt when I found out back then, and how broken she was by the time she confided in me. I have this feeling again but I don’t know how to reach her without making her turn away even more. All I want is for her to be safe and happy, but I don’t know what to do.
It’s so difficult to explain, I hope I don’t sound like a hysterical nutcase. I’ve never had any concerns about her previous partners who were all nice and decent guys, but there is something quite different about this one.
Am I being overbearing? How can I get her to open up in case she is in trouble?

OP posts:
NeesAndToes · 12/02/2022 15:22

Do you get a chance to speak to her alone?

MrsGarethSouthgate · 12/02/2022 15:27

Make a Clare’s Law (domestic violence disclosure scheme) application to your local police force via 101.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/02/2022 15:28

You dont sound hysterical you sound caring and she is lucky to have you in her corner.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing as that might make her turn away. However I would say something along the lines of you've heard its common for someone to escape an abusive relationship and end up in another one, and you're not saying that's what's happened here but if there was any chance that was happening to her now or in the future that you are there for her 100pc in any practical or emotional way and you love her and don't judge her.

Bananalanacake · 12/02/2022 15:36

Try to warn her off living with him, has he already suggested it.

Original poster
Cinnamondreams · 12/02/2022 15:37

He’s only been living in the UK for a few years. Do you know if there are equivalents to Clare’s law in other European countries?
It was just the two of us when I noticed the bruise, but I wasn’t sure how to broach the topic. It would have been such a good opportunity but I missed it. It’s really been since then that I can’t stop thinking about though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinnamondreams · 12/02/2022 15:39

I’m 100% not judging her. She is one of the kindest and considerate people I know. I just don’t want her kindness to be abused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinnamondreams · 12/02/2022 15:42

@Bananalanacake She has never lived with any partner since that disastrous relationship. This would be the biggest red flag for me if she suddenly decided to do this.

OP posts:
Silvergreen · 12/02/2022 15:46

Reach out and talk to her and say she hasn't seemed herself recently and is she ok and wait for her response to that. Don't mention the boyfriend. You saying this to her will plant the seed and give her time to have a think about things. Wait to see what she says. You should trust your instincts.

Bananalanacake · 12/02/2022 15:47

Can you contact her and suggest going out for a meal, just you and her. If he tries to come along or if she makes an excuse she can't go out then you'll know he's a controlling bastard.

Strongerthanyouthink · 12/02/2022 15:50

Keep reaching out to her, I don't mean badger her, but from experience she may not be able to tell you the truth about what's really happening the first time you ask. I wish people had been brave enough to say they were worried about me, it took me years and something awful to happen before I told anyone.

astoundedgoat · 12/02/2022 15:51

Ask her to come away for a weekend with you and see what she says.

Suzanne999 · 12/02/2022 16:08

I’d echo organising something just for you and your sister. Can you run to a spa day? Would give you the opportunity to see if there are any more bruises. If not a meal somewhere a distance from where she lives. If the bf objects in any way or tries to come along that’s a big red flag.
I don’t think you’re being overbearing or interfering at all, you’re concerned for your sister.

I don’t know if anything similar to Clare’s Law exists in other countries. Have you tried googling his name with the town or country he comes from?

Original poster
Cinnamondreams · 12/02/2022 16:08

Yes I will keep trying to speak to her, but definitely on our own.
I won’t be badmouthing him...I just want to know if she’s ok or not.
Thanks all, I’ll see if I can find out anything on him is Clares law too. It’s very odd, he doesn’t do social media at all which seems strange in this day and age.
Thanks for not calling me crazy

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinnamondreams · 12/02/2022 16:17

@Suzanne999 He’s on LinkedIn, other than that he seems to be a phantom. I did notice that he doesn’t talk a lot about himself when I met him but prefers to ask questions. I never thought about it much because some people are just like that, but now everything is starting to worry me. I don’t want to go crazy though because I might just see red flags everywhere now. I’ll see if I can meet her tomorrow but they might have other plans already because it’s such little notice.

OP posts:
Notbeinfunnehbut · 12/02/2022 16:19

you are not a nutcase at all noticing her withdrawal from family and bruises would make anyone suspicious.

BFPDec21 · 12/02/2022 17:05

I had this feeling when I met a friend's boyfriend and was completely right. Wasn't until he tried to strangle her over a disagreement that she reached out to family. She was only in her 20s and it was her first of a string of abusive relationships.

I really think it would have helped if we said something like we think there might have been something going on and she could always talk about it and would never be judged. Instead, we were all too worried that we'd push her away that we stayed silent.

FlowerArranger · 12/02/2022 17:15

@Strongerthanyouthink

Keep reaching out to her, I don't mean badger her, but from experience she may not be able to tell you the truth about what's really happening the first time you ask. I wish people had been brave enough to say they were worried about me, it took me years and something awful to happen before I told anyone.
THIS^

Can you invite her for a weekend at yours, girls-together kind of thing, and gently tell her at some point that you are concerned for her?

Original poster
Cinnamondreams · 12/02/2022 18:01

@Strongerthanyouthink and @BFPDec21 I’m so sorry to read what happened to you and your friend. This sounds like an absolute nightmare and I’d hate to think of my sister in such a situation..
I’ll definitely keep trying, even if it might take a while. We’ll most likely meet up tomorrow at lunch time for a coffee or else during the week. She seemed happy to meet up but it was just a text message convo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinnamondreams · 12/02/2022 18:04

@FlowerArranger I can try but this would take longer planning. My husband is fully on board though and would manage things at home if I wanted to take her away for a girls weekend

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinnamondreams · 13/02/2022 22:21

I got to speak to her, and tbh I feel distraught. She admitted to feeling overwhelmed at times and withdrawing because she felt like “everyone” wanted a piece of her. I totally understand this feeling and that’s the last thing I want to add to her plate.
The thing that got me is this though: she told me twice that she can’t see what he sees in her because she can’t compete with him in any way. The first time she said it I thought it was a joke and I laughed it off, but when she said it again it hit me. I really can’t see why she’d have to feel this way. She is gorgeous, independent, and always seemed happy with this despite not having luxuries.
Apparently she is happy and feels really lucky, but she feels self conscious because he is a “different type“ and because he is “much smarter” than her.
Also: apparently her best friend didn’t like him so she is trying to keep things separately to avoid tension.
I didn’t push her too much because I am happy that she is sharing, but I am also really sad that she thinks that she isn’t good enough for someone just because they have money and show it off.
I just want to shake her, but I know i can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinnamondreams · 01/06/2022 08:49

Just thought I’d update anyone who had contributed.
My sister is unwilling to listen and I am going through phases of still wanting to shake her, and phases of having given up.
He is a controlling bully, but she is unwilling to see it for what it is. She is now panicking because he wants to buy property, and she is desperate to buy with him to move in together. She doesn’t have savings or a decent salary but will have an inheritance come in some time this year. It’s clear where this is heading and it’s upsetting to see, but it’s even worse to see her so desperately running after a man who does nothing but erode her self esteem.
There is nothing I can do if she doesn’t want to listen…

OP posts:
HellyR · 01/06/2022 12:05

Sorry OP, that sounds really frustrating. Are they likely to move away from where you are?

Original poster
Cinnamondreams · 01/06/2022 12:30

I don’t know. He’s French so I hope he won’t decide that that’s he wants to buy. I think my sister will just go along with his wishes because she sees this as her one opportunity :(

OP posts:
Motnight · 01/06/2022 12:46

Horrible situation Op. I think that the only thing that you can do is keep communicating with your sister and let her know that you will always be there.

It's heart breaking watching someone you love being abused.

Tistheseason17 · 01/06/2022 13:19

Are you in touch with her friends?

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