What am I doing??

[sortmyselfout]

I don't know where to start and I'm a bit scared to post.

Been with OH for 19 years since age 16. Never been with anyone else properly. Both went to separate Uni's etc and moved in together age 21. He tried to start his own business, didn't get anywhere, got really really depressed. Didn't leave the house for months/years. Struggled to get out of bed much. I have over the years burnt out myself from stressful jobs, long commutes and trying to help him. I never get a break. I could never do enough - even if I dedicated every spare hour to him. In his view, I abandoned him as I got on with my career whilst he was left feeling hopeless. He has not worked as a result of this for 10 years. He won't get a normal job as he doesn't do well with the authority hence why he wanted to run his own. I pay for everything. He is so bitter that he helped me with my career and that I didn't do enough to help him. Especially as we both believe he is slightly autistic and it feels harder for him. He is convinced I don't care about him and never loved him like he did me when things were good. I've felt completely insane at times.

When things were good, he was incredible. He built my confidence, spent endless hours with me on challenges, made our house nice etc. But a long time ago.

Last 2 years his anger got really bad. He's always been critical but he would just be emotionally abusive and call me every name possible. Everyday on eggshells. I avoided him a lot. I've been told I'm evil, ignorant, not a good person, selfish, and much worse names. He used to hate me falling asleep, said I was selfish whilst he was left awake anxious. He would wake me in the night and expect me to listen to his anguish and insults towards me because his life was so bad and I wasn't doing enough to help him.

I've become so hollow and negative. Last year I started drinking a lot. I had a bit of a meltdown. No-one in my life knows this. I've been made to feel so guilty and ashamed. That I am a bad person. And I have come to believe it. I feel so sad all the time.

Some days I'm at the point of enough is enough. Move back to my parents. Leaving him in the house. But for whatever reason I just never have enough strength to end things as clearly this can't keep going on like this. I don't know why. I think it is because I feel so guilty. And because I feel I should change and be better in the relationship. He has nothing to go to. No income. No CV to help him get a job. I'm so miserable and I know this isn't right. I've lost all sense of reality and just seem to feel constantly sorry for myself which isn't helpful. I'm the one with the most power to change things for the better yet I'm frozen.

He says I neglected him and abandoned him. He says he just wants me to care about him. Yet everything I did that I thought showed care hasn't meant anything to him. I've stopped caring recently. I don't have the energy. I'm so lost.

He is an intelligent person has so much potential. I genuinely believe that and wish he was being doing what he really wants to do with his life. But he blames me that he isn’t.

I can't work out if someone needs to shake me and I need to stop being so pathetic so that I just help him/focus on being a better partner or if I need to find strength to get out of this co-dependent relationship. I don't know any different which makes it so hard.

I feel so weak and pathetic. I don't even know what I'm asking here but any wisdom or opinions are welcome no matter how harsh. I'm mid thirties now and had always hoped for children, but obviously there is just no way right now and I'm now worried this seems more and more unlikely without change.

Make this the year you get out. You are both being destroyed by this. Don’t lose the last years of your fertility either. He has no sense of self and it won’t get better.

Jesus. I'm not surprised you feel weak, he has sucked you dry.
Gaslighting, emotional abuse, financial abuse, sleep torture, blaming you for everything, not taking responsibility for his own health and well-being. I don't say this lightly but get the hell out of there, he's like a blood sucking vampire.

PS he has only been able to sit in bed and not work for 10 years because you have provided for him.

OH = not married?

Don't go to your parents, get HIM out. After all you have paid for everything. Is he on any tenancy agreement/ mortgage.

You've been with him from age 16 so just so you know this is not normal.

Clearly he has his issues which are not your responsibility to fix. YOU cannot change his behaviour, only how you respond to it.

This sounds nightmarish.

OP you need to get rid. Sorry. This is so awful on so many levels. Get the hell out now!

What's your financial situation. Are you married? Kids? Who's name is on the house?

Good lord, no.

He won't get a normal job as he doesn't do well with the authority

He is so bitter that he helped me with my career and that I didn't do enough to help him

I pay for everything

He says I neglected him and abandoned him ... as I got on with my career whilst he was left feeling hopeless

I've been told I'm evil, ignorant, not a good person, selfish

And yet somehow you still think

I'm the one with the most power to change things for the better

You've laboured twice seven years for this man, and it's not making either of you happy.

If you start to feel guilty, remind yourself that you have shown yourself to be incapable of helping him in the way that he needs, and that once you've left him he'll be able to apply for benefits (ie not be financially dependent on a woman) and look for a relationship with someone who can support him good luck with that

Make the decision to end it. What tenancy do you have? Whose name is on the bills? - presumably yours? Practical stuff.

My darling, I am so sorry to hear this x

Do you have someone you trust that you can speak with and tell them the full truth - your mum, sister, close friend? If not, would you be able to see a counsellor? I’m sure that writing this will have been difficult but also an important step to making changes which are desperately needed.

I can see how you’re stuck - your OH is beating you down but you also feel sorry for his lost potential and the many barriers to him escaping his situation. You have shared love and positive times in the past, grown up together, this is a strong bond to break, even if it is damaging.

He is in a very bad place and rather than take responsibility which is difficult and painful to do, he is using you as the scapegoat. You have helped him in all ways but he still hasn’t been able to make progress. His behaviour to you is really how he feels about himself.

You don’t deserve this

The question is, are you willing to endure more? This is not just a case of a depressed partner struggling, his behaviour is destructive and mean. If he was to make progress would you still love him, want to share your life with him, have kids?

At 34 you have time to start again and have kids with someone else. It feels harsh to leave someone when they are struggling so much but YOU MATTER! Your life and what you want is important. He needs to take responsibility for himself.

Only you know how you feel. The only thing I can tell you for sure is…

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY

Believe it!

Sending you so much love xxxx

What a cocklodger.
Women are not rehab centres for men.
Do you own or rent your property?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. It brought a few tears knowing someone has heard me.

From a practical perspective, we are not married, live in rented accommodation and everything in my name. So no major issues in that sense. It is up for renewal in June. In my mind, ultimately I see that unless something magically changes, that will have to be the end of it. But I've said that before to myself. This time feels different because of my age. I don't want to regret these years because I've been to weak to take action whatever way it goes. It still just feels so so hard.

You are so right too @WorkQs - my whole identity has been entwined and sense of self has been skewed as over half of my life, and all my adult life has been with him. And we have had many good happy memories. It is what made giving up so much harder and ultimately I feel I have failed.

I just can't bring myself to throw him out so to speak. But transitioning over 5 months to something different seems more amicable. I really don't want anything bad for him despite everything. He doesn't speak to his family so he can't live with relatives. He literally would have no housing or income. There has been some progress recently in that he now is looking after himself and motivated to get his life on track for the first time in years. With it without me he is showing determination finally to change himself. But our relationship is now in tatters. Or at least I am. He doesn't understand why im so sad, low energy, lacking motivation etc, he does not accept the toll this has taken on me at all. If only he had done this 5 years ago. I would have had energy to build upon that together.

It's been so draining him being so dependent on me whilst being so critical of me too. I do want the best for him and I feel for his personal struggles. But then I've been guilty of enabling this situation and letting it stay this way/get worse.

I have started a bit of therapy before Xmas and need to rebook back in. I also financially support my parents so overall I've become so burdened by responsibility. I feel like such an idiot. I used to feel I was really helping but instead everything has left me feeling crippled.

Thanks again everyone for your kindness.

Please leave. You are not responsible for this person. Move on!

Sounds like June is the date to aim for being single then OP. Would you want to live somewhere else or to stay put? You can afford to live there and pay everything so I guess you don't have to leave. But it might be nice ti have a fresh start?

Your bf should seek help regarding his housing asap to make sure he has somewhere to go to. You sound like a really kind person so I doubt that you'd see him on the street. Maybe someone will be along to advise about his pursing situation, but the sooner he makes a plan the better.

Ok, OP. Google "fear obligation guilt" and read up. These feelings keep you trapped in a dysfunctional relationship. It helped me a lot to learn more about this dynamic.

Someone on MN recently used the analogy "you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." You can give yourself permission to stop sacrificing yourself for him.

Have you ever had any counseling?

Hi

Is there a local Domestic Abuse
Charity ? Ring them.
You need support to move on.
It will feel scary but you need to save yourself.
He has many hang ups and you will regret spending any more time on him.
My advice : get him out and I don't see the point waiting until June.
Change the locks and offer him all of his belongings of course.
He is not your responsibility.

P.s you are not weak.
He is manipulative.

Big difference.

You need to abandon him for real. He's a selfish, abusive loser and you will never please him because he expects some mug to make everything lovely for him.

I just can't bring myself to throw him out so to speak. But transitioning over 5 months to something different seems more amicable. I really don't want anything bad for him despite everything. He doesn't speak to his family so he can't live with relatives. He literally would have no housing or income.

His problem, not yours, though he will never pull his finger out and do something about it so long as you make it all better for him.

My ex was one of these. He won't fail to thrive without you. He will simply find another sucker to bleed dry.

He's full of self loathing which he has, quite conveniently, projected onto you. Get away from this man. You are not a trained therapist, you can't give him the help he needs to get back on his feet. Move on and enjoy your life.

Must be so draining to have lived like this for so long, he’s broken you. Please get out, have babies (you’re not too old) have a lovely life that’s yours and yours alone with nobody dragging you down.

OP, I've have had mental health issues all my life. I'm also disabled (x2) - pretty seriously. I get my arse out of bed and work, every day.

Leave him

You can leave go somewhere new a complete fresh start. You'll flourish

He may have got wind that you are
on the very last of your patience, and so he'll act like he's going to change.
I wouldn't believe it.

Please talk to trained professionals and be supported.

He's worn you out OP, downtrodden and beyond until you don't know who you are anymore.
This makes it so difficult to just wake up and say enough is enough I'm out.

Reading your story has made me quite emotional. If I could just give you my hand and pull you out of the situation I would. I went through something similar and had to literally sneak away one morning with a bag of clothes and two cats. I went far away and didn't tell anyone where I was going as I knew he would be on the warpath.
Six months of post trauma to deal with, but I got through it. It was a long hard slog, then one day I just felt one small moment of happiness it just felt so beautiful.
You need to plan now, you need to find you again. Please please don't think staying with him will get better it won't, you have to think about yourself. You've done everything you possibly could, so don't think otherwise.

You can do this honestly you can.

@ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm

He's full of self loathing which he has, quite conveniently, projected onto you. Get away from this man. You are not a trained therapist, you can't give him the help he needs to get back on his feet. Move on and enjoy your life.

Yes I agree, I believe this has been a way of coping unconsciously... His feelings are so bad that it would have been too destructive to blame himself and take responsibility. So he puts it on me. He's so convinced he is right. I have said to him that what he is doing is the opposite of self-empowerment and only makes it worse for him! It has now got to the point tho that he sees me being the thing getting in his way but maybe this is a good sign that he's ready to take more charge of his life and I can work out my plan

Well firstly you haven't abandoned him. You've been kind and generous supporting him financially and emotionally for so long. Especially as he's failed to recognise this.

You can't expect to look after a man like that for so long and still have romantic feelings for him. It's like being a mother to an impossible teen.

The name calling etc sounds horrible and you don't deserve that. Insane that he blames you when you've been so patient.

I was in a similar situation, although only for a couple of years. He liked to remind me of the sacrifices he'd made for me... All the while sitting at home while I worked. Now he has a full time job. If I'd stayed I suspect he'd have continued to drain me forever.

Does he have any money of his own ...? Savings...? Benefits?

Don't let him wear you down any longer.

@Icepinkeskimo it sounds like you've had some really tough moments and been so strong. It's always inspiring to hear. That must have required so much courage. I'm so happy to hear you found a way forward for you. Thank you for reaching your hand out to me, I'll take it. It's a really hard thing to come to terms with, I really believed we could work through it but it's been years. I have been so guilty of going through the same repeated cycles expecting a different result. Definition of insanity isn't it.

@CousinKrispy that is a brilliant quote. I have absolutely been setting myself on fire, and also fear obligation guilt hits it on the head as to why. I think I've been frozen with fear whilst having reality distortion I can make it all better (and suffering from guilt that I haven't been). I'm naturally loyal and stubborn which doesn't help.

The thing that has been such a head fuck, is whilst he has at times had his outbursts and had a go at me (which is easier for me to decide enough is enough), he tends to be extremely logical and intelligent. He will always invite conversation, always be open to the idea things can change. He wants to talk it through and find a solution. Which adds to the feeling that I am the problem. When I talk to him, he then complains I have "nothing to say" and that I should. Which creates anxiety for me when talking and leads to more inertia. I end up not saying anything at all. So we go on continuous cycles. I have so many times just felt if I could be in a good mental space, and had more time, I could be transformative to help the relationship. But I'm so tired now all the time. And recently just have just retreated really.

He knows he is not 'normal' and says that's the way he is. He says obviously everything I do would probably be fine for someone else.

Ive lost who I am and know this isn't right. I don't feel me and for him it clearly isn't right either now.

Thank you everyone for listening. I think I'm still trying to admit the situation won't change even tho all the evidence is crystal clear. Must all sound mad. I think what makes it so crazy is the feeling that I should be able to change the situation but clearly I can't. And I know I deserve better.

He sounds like he has a personality disorder.
A covert/vulnerable narcissist. These guys are text book.
There is a lot of misinformation on the net about these types, just know that he won't change. He is mentally ill.

Gather whatever strength and confidence you have left and get the hell out before it kills you.

You might be better off to leave stealthily, it may be dangerous for you to announce it. Tell your LL your plans closer to the time. Get your name off the tenancy, it may be easiest to do this when the term of this tenancy finishes.

You are responsible for the rent for the duration of the tenancy anyway.
Because he is so helpless and has made you responsible for his life, you don't want him knocking on the door abusing, begging and stalking you if you vacate.
Fresh start will be better for you imo.

Get advice from woman's aid or your local DV organisation. Keep posting here.