What am I doing??

[sortmyselfout]

I don't know where to start and I'm a bit scared to post.

Been with OH for 19 years since age 16. Never been with anyone else properly. Both went to separate Uni's etc and moved in together age 21. He tried to start his own business, didn't get anywhere, got really really depressed. Didn't leave the house for months/years. Struggled to get out of bed much. I have over the years burnt out myself from stressful jobs, long commutes and trying to help him. I never get a break. I could never do enough - even if I dedicated every spare hour to him. In his view, I abandoned him as I got on with my career whilst he was left feeling hopeless. He has not worked as a result of this for 10 years. He won't get a normal job as he doesn't do well with the authority hence why he wanted to run his own. I pay for everything. He is so bitter that he helped me with my career and that I didn't do enough to help him. Especially as we both believe he is slightly autistic and it feels harder for him. He is convinced I don't care about him and never loved him like he did me when things were good. I've felt completely insane at times.

When things were good, he was incredible. He built my confidence, spent endless hours with me on challenges, made our house nice etc. But a long time ago.

Last 2 years his anger got really bad. He's always been critical but he would just be emotionally abusive and call me every name possible. Everyday on eggshells. I avoided him a lot. I've been told I'm evil, ignorant, not a good person, selfish, and much worse names. He used to hate me falling asleep, said I was selfish whilst he was left awake anxious. He would wake me in the night and expect me to listen to his anguish and insults towards me because his life was so bad and I wasn't doing enough to help him.

I've become so hollow and negative. Last year I started drinking a lot. I had a bit of a meltdown. No-one in my life knows this. I've been made to feel so guilty and ashamed. That I am a bad person. And I have come to believe it. I feel so sad all the time.

Some days I'm at the point of enough is enough. Move back to my parents. Leaving him in the house. But for whatever reason I just never have enough strength to end things as clearly this can't keep going on like this. I don't know why. I think it is because I feel so guilty. And because I feel I should change and be better in the relationship. He has nothing to go to. No income. No CV to help him get a job. I'm so miserable and I know this isn't right. I've lost all sense of reality and just seem to feel constantly sorry for myself which isn't helpful. I'm the one with the most power to change things for the better yet I'm frozen.

He says I neglected him and abandoned him. He says he just wants me to care about him. Yet everything I did that I thought showed care hasn't meant anything to him. I've stopped caring recently. I don't have the energy. I'm so lost.

He is an intelligent person has so much potential. I genuinely believe that and wish he was being doing what he really wants to do with his life. But he blames me that he isn’t.

I can't work out if someone needs to shake me and I need to stop being so pathetic so that I just help him/focus on being a better partner or if I need to find strength to get out of this co-dependent relationship. I don't know any different which makes it so hard.

I feel so weak and pathetic. I don't even know what I'm asking here but any wisdom or opinions are welcome no matter how harsh. I'm mid thirties now and had always hoped for children, but obviously there is just no way right now and I'm now worried this seems more and more unlikely without change.

I meant, if you don't vacate. Better you go than he so you can get away from it all. From him, the flat, the memories, the conditioning.

You've had so many years of this with only a relatively short period of happiness. I find that so sad.

I think it's time that you consider that you've done everything you can and that this isn't the life you choose for yourself for potentially the next 40 years or so. He's not going to change. Even if things get better for a while he's unlikely to maintain that.

Tell him now that you're not going to renew the lease this year. You will be moving elsewhere in June and he needs to make his own arrangements.

Find yourself a new place to live and start afresh. You can still enjoy life.

Perhaps leaving him and giving him no option but to step up and sort himself out is actually the kindest thing you can do (for both of you) - although it won't feel like it at the time.

Please get out. Life should never be this hard . None of this is your fault either

Thanks everyone again I appreciate so much the kindness.

I have wondered if he has some sort of covert narc thing going on. He's always felt he didn't get the love and support from his parents. That his potential was missed as a child..blabla. That no-one has ever given him what he gives (which when he did give he was genuinely brilliant). He is absolutely the victim in his mind. He keeps saying he just wants to be with someone who cares about him and isn't so selfish. He's just so convincing when I engage with him and I always feel in the wrong. Which I guess is exactly the typical pattern. It really does mess with my head. Being unemployed makes it the worse as he has so much time to think.

I admit I've spent today mostly in bed as I haven't had any energy to deal with things. I find it all so sad. He hates it when I'm like that as he says I just feel sorry for myself. All I want is a big hug and for it to all be okay!

I'm away for work next week and I'm going to use this as an opportunity to think more seriously about what I need.

Well then free him to find that imaginary person.

Sheesh what a cunt.

Is it possible that he 'love bombed' you at the start of your relationship?
It sounds a dreadful existence since then.

While you are away, talk to a DV helpline -you have space to cry and do lots of planning this week, & stay strong when he tells you he's missing you.
Play the game for now to keep yourself safe, but know you are not going to be in this much longer.

I am surprised you have held your job down for this long, which shows just how strong and determined you can be.
You are in control here.

This sums it all up OP: he is too miserable to work for 10 years, so you try and support him

You are too miserable to get out of bed for one day, and he hates it because he says you're just feeling sorry for yourself.

Your whole post is about him, what he thinks, what he feels, and what he does. Nothing about you.

A partnership is supposed to be equal over the long term in terms of contribution and support and what you get out of it. You've completely lost yourself in the impossible task of trying to help an angry irrational man who blames the whole world for his complete inertia. You've paid for his whole life the last x years and you don't do enough? What's the last time he supported you?

Get out while you still have a chance of having a normal life with a someone. Or yourself. Being single is better than being with someone who constantly criticises. Constant criticism and refusal to engage and being constantly grumpy is a form of abuse.

Take it from a very old woman. Get the fuck out of there. This guy is killing you.

I think you will be doing him a massive favour if you dump him.

He needs to take responsibility for himself, he won't do that all while he has you to blame.

No marriage, no mortgage, no children?, do it, live your life.

There has been some progress recently in that he now is looking after himself and motivated to get his life on track for the first time in years

Do you think this change in him has triggered something in you ?

Could this motivation in some way be scaring you, a change in the status quo. You clearly have been shouldering the financial burden in the relationship and need him to recognise the effort you have put in.

Are you feeling guilt about wanting to end the relationship or do you wish it to continue?

Sometimes couples enter relationships and their roles become fixed, not until that union ends do people realise that certain behaviours can be changed with different partners.
You sound fearful of him not surviving without you but you cannot live your life being in a relationship for fear of him not surviving without you.

You are a separate person and if you want a different partner with different qualities that is your right to search for that and end this relationship.

I knew a couple very much like this over many years, both highly educated, the woman had a very supportive family, the man did not.
So intellegent was he, that she was in awe of him, but he never found that career that brought the finances in. She never complained to anyone.
Then as he became older in his forties he found a job, his confidence increased and then he dissapeared, went abroad and never came back.
Got a rediculously great job, he totally re invented himself.
She was distraught and never saw him again.

I'm not saying this to upset you, rather show you that sometimes some unions do not bring the best out in some couples, one may thrive, one may not.
Maybe if you separated you both may go on to get what you want and need, you sound exhausted op and maybe it's time to start thinking about what you need may that be financial, physical or emotional help.

As it stands you both sound unhappy.

Please don’t tell him that you are leaving until you have gone. Things sometimes get very dangerous for women when their partners realise that it is really over. Please go soon.

FFS, you are not responsible for this gaslighting, manipulative cocklodger. The number he has done on you is, quite frankly, unbelievable. You have thrown away so many years of your life on this ungrateful, selfish twat. Vow it won't be one more day. Kick him out, change the locks, block him and move on with your life.

There is no such thing as "slightly autistic".

His issues are not related to autism.

You have tried to help him for decades but you cannot help someone who does nothing for themself.

He is abusive to you.

OP I understand the swirl of emotions is overwhelming. But look at the facts. ^^

This is making you miserable. He is ruining you life, blaming you for his issues and this cannot go on any more. If you do want to be a mother, you cannot do it with this man so you must leave him now. And even if that is not a dealbreaker for you, you should leave him anyway because he has consistently been abusive.

What benefit do you get from this relationship?

Do not stay through guilt, when he is the one that has consistently behaved terribly and let you down. Yes change is scary, but it's the only way out of this and to have any chance of happiness. You'll soon feel much better with him out of your life.

The situation you're describing is abusive. Leave this loser and don't look back; your life is guaranteed to only get better.

OP how are you doing? Have you had time to think and relax? Any plans?
Let us know don't struggle alone.

I hope you are having a lovely week away from this dead weight. He is burning you up to keep himself warm while complaining that you are not burning bright enough or to his liking!
You have done an amazing job supporting him for most of your adult life, time to let him go. He can either sink or swim, but it no longer needs to be your responsibility. Leave your guilt behind, you did your best for ten years, ten years! Your obligations are over and it is time for you to walk forward without fear. You are a wonderful human being. You cannot help him anymore.

Thank you everyone and I'm sorry for being a bit quiet. I have gone back to your messages and read them several times, so much kindness and support, and they help me face in to reality. I've also been away for work which has been a useful period of time to just get some space.

It's all very bizarre time right now but I'm just about coping. Work is extremely stressful with some fairly major events underway which brings financial uncertainty. At the same time, I've been processing this situation and creating distance where I can with him just to get some headspace. I've felt a little bit like I am unravelling and things are falling apart. I've worked so hard to build what I thought could be a positive future and have been trying to come to terms with it all just dissolving away.

The added confusion, is over the past few weeks/this year, he has been a better person. He's been exercising, reading books and has started to plan out what he might do for work. This hasn't happened in years. He has actually set goals - he has never done this before. He's been generally good to me and has stopped being so bitter/blaming/criticising. I am extremely wary. Which feels harsh. But I've mostly been keeping my distance from him whilst I rebuild my own sense of self/strength and what to do. I also don't want to derail him. I'm also not going to be stupid enough to believe that things will be okay again. I feel like he needs to take responsibility for himself and I need to let him get on with that without triggering any bad emotions.

As you can imagine it is very confusing tho after years of the opposite as it can be tempting to believe things can change for us. In general I'm in a flat state. I keep replaying things that have happened to remind myself to stay strong. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not a good relationship and I am not getting anything from it and haven't for years. I've got too used to it being bad. I try to imagine what a happy healthy relationship might be like. I am trying to remember what I want for me. I'm trying to stay vigilant of not falling trap to an idealised version of our relationship rather than what it actually is. I have been speaking up more and telling him the impact it has all had on me. I want him to see and understand. I have stopped trying to please him. I am trying to not be scared of a future of starting again. Part of me is holding on to this relationship deep inside, but I'm doing what I can to see sense and reality. I read some stuff about trauma bonding and trying to challenge myself on my feelings. I need to work on me and to like myself again. I've got a long way to go and it's hard with the stress of work.

On a slightly different note, many of my friends now have babies and it is a month of their birthdays in March. Its going to take a lot of energy to turn up and put on the party face. Im sure it will be fine but right now I wish I could get on a plane and escape for a month or few!

That's where I am right now. Tired/wary but at least creating space and giving myself time to come to terms with things and really ask myself, what do I want with my life? Big questions.

I should add I'm genuinely relieved and happy he is getting himself to a better place and long may it continue

I'm amazed that you had a day in bed (very understandably) feeling low and he accused you of feeling sorry for yourself! Which is all he's done for 10 years!!

There is no reasoning with this man. He may seem logical but he is anything but.

He treats you dreadfully, even though you've done everthing for him for many years. He will never appreciate that. He is a career victim.

He says you are the barrier to him being happy.

The obvious answer to all of this is to split.

You say he's recently improved in some ways. That's great - for him. For you- I'd be very wary.. It may not last, and when it doesn't last he'll want someone to blame. And even if it did last, is there any love left in you? He's treated you like the dirt on his show for years. I think the damage is already done, and no amount of self improvement could make me love that man.

*on his shoe!

He can sense you're done, which is why he's doing this faux planning. You are completely wasting your whole life. You need to be alone to even begin to put your life back together. If it was me, mired in guilt etc, I'd move in with my parents temporarily and let him stay in the flat until the tenancy expires in June. I'd continue to pay the rent etc and see it as the price of my freedom. I'd tell him this is what's going to happen. The gravy train ends in June. This is fairer than fair. After then it's up to him. You can then move out of your parent's house and start your new life properly.

This is so sad to read. I'm sorry, OP.

He has taken so many years of your life and has completely taken you for granted. You sound like an amazingly strong, kind and giving person and unbelievably patient. If I had a partner that contributed nothing and who I had to support and nurse I would have lost patience in a few months - not because of the depression, as I suffer from that myself - but because of his failure to do anything about it until now.

It is difficult now that he's making an effort. I understand that you'll be worried how he would cope with a split now and that you don't want to set him back, but honestly, he is an adult and it's his problem. It is time he learned to take care of himself.

A pervious poster said you leaving might be good for him and I'm inclined to agree. It might just be the making of him. He needs to stand up by himself and grow up. He won't do that with you bailing him out.

This new, improved him is all very well, but he has you as a safety net and he is bound to have setbacks. If he got a job and hated it and disliked working for someone else, he would likely think 'well I've been supported this far, so there's nothing to stop me resigning and going back to being looked after'. If you're gone, he will have to make something of himself and that is good for him too.

I agree with the poster above, be very wary of this change, he'll be able to tell you've had enough and they'll be where this energy to get himself back on track is coming from. I wouldn't wait till June (I don't think I could actually) once the decisions made it's best to just do it xx

Another one here who thinks that he knows you are pulling away from him and so he is behaving better to reel you back in. Don’t fall for it - he has had years to improve.

I actually think you would be doing him a favour and that it would force him to take responsibility and grow up. I bet he does it just fine.

Keep strong!

Having been in a very similar situation, I'd say this is "the fake epiphany", we had a number of these over the years.
If you continue, I imagine nothing would be different in say, six months, except change has been talked about/books read/whatever.
But the situation will look exactly the same.

He is not going to change. I would bet my house on it.

You are also on eggshells as you don't want to "derail" him.
Yes because he would likely throw all his toys out the pram if challenged and use his tactics on you.
So you are quiet.

I hope you don't continue to invest your time, talents and finances into this bottomless pit, but I know when we are not in our own reality, but are in theirs, that is exactly what we will do.

Sending love and strength to you OP.