What am I doing??

[sortmyselfout]

I don't know where to start and I'm a bit scared to post.

Been with OH for 19 years since age 16. Never been with anyone else properly. Both went to separate Uni's etc and moved in together age 21. He tried to start his own business, didn't get anywhere, got really really depressed. Didn't leave the house for months/years. Struggled to get out of bed much. I have over the years burnt out myself from stressful jobs, long commutes and trying to help him. I never get a break. I could never do enough - even if I dedicated every spare hour to him. In his view, I abandoned him as I got on with my career whilst he was left feeling hopeless. He has not worked as a result of this for 10 years. He won't get a normal job as he doesn't do well with the authority hence why he wanted to run his own. I pay for everything. He is so bitter that he helped me with my career and that I didn't do enough to help him. Especially as we both believe he is slightly autistic and it feels harder for him. He is convinced I don't care about him and never loved him like he did me when things were good. I've felt completely insane at times.

When things were good, he was incredible. He built my confidence, spent endless hours with me on challenges, made our house nice etc. But a long time ago.

Last 2 years his anger got really bad. He's always been critical but he would just be emotionally abusive and call me every name possible. Everyday on eggshells. I avoided him a lot. I've been told I'm evil, ignorant, not a good person, selfish, and much worse names. He used to hate me falling asleep, said I was selfish whilst he was left awake anxious. He would wake me in the night and expect me to listen to his anguish and insults towards me because his life was so bad and I wasn't doing enough to help him.

I've become so hollow and negative. Last year I started drinking a lot. I had a bit of a meltdown. No-one in my life knows this. I've been made to feel so guilty and ashamed. That I am a bad person. And I have come to believe it. I feel so sad all the time.

Some days I'm at the point of enough is enough. Move back to my parents. Leaving him in the house. But for whatever reason I just never have enough strength to end things as clearly this can't keep going on like this. I don't know why. I think it is because I feel so guilty. And because I feel I should change and be better in the relationship. He has nothing to go to. No income. No CV to help him get a job. I'm so miserable and I know this isn't right. I've lost all sense of reality and just seem to feel constantly sorry for myself which isn't helpful. I'm the one with the most power to change things for the better yet I'm frozen.

He says I neglected him and abandoned him. He says he just wants me to care about him. Yet everything I did that I thought showed care hasn't meant anything to him. I've stopped caring recently. I don't have the energy. I'm so lost.

He is an intelligent person has so much potential. I genuinely believe that and wish he was being doing what he really wants to do with his life. But he blames me that he isn’t.

I can't work out if someone needs to shake me and I need to stop being so pathetic so that I just help him/focus on being a better partner or if I need to find strength to get out of this co-dependent relationship. I don't know any different which makes it so hard.

I feel so weak and pathetic. I don't even know what I'm asking here but any wisdom or opinions are welcome no matter how harsh. I'm mid thirties now and had always hoped for children, but obviously there is just no way right now and I'm now worried this seems more and more unlikely without change.

Life is short.

I know you care about him and want the best for him. You have to think about yourself and your own mental health. It's very hard breaking up with someone who emotionally pulls your strings but sometimes you have to for the best. As someone else said, move in with your parents and tell him you and him are having a break. It will give you time to think properly, re-evaluate the situation and start to recover. If after the lease is up he has changed dramatically and you still want to be with him then move back. I doubt he will change and then it will be easier to make the final break.

Take care of yourself

Hey everyone , thank you once again for comments, wisdom and support. I can't explain how much it is helping. I come back and re-read everything to remind myself of things.

Tonight I had a constructive conversation with him. Over the past two weeks, I've been a weird zombie land trying to really come to terms with what has happened and what needs to happen. I've also been made redundant and have covid :( so quite the week.

I have been very careful also in how I play this. I do not want to trigger any major set backs and it is essential he feels motivated to continue on the good path he has started.

But in short, I told him I've made a decision that I can't do this anymore and I will not be the person he needs for this next chapter of his life. I also said I need time to reconnect with what I want and who I am and I can't do that in this relationship/with him. I have also said ultimately what we want is different now. Which he agrees with. I could feel the sense of relief develop as I said everything. It's been building up for a while. He did not argue. He accepted it. And if anything seemed happier that I have finally said something concrete like this. I admit I've been in a frozen state for some time.

I am in no way naive to think it's any easy path now. But it seems we have so far agreed we will start directing our energies independent of one another and start working through what being separate means. After 19 years from being together since 16... It's quite daunting.

I am half expecting some angry outburst at some point. It's bound to happen. But I know that and I'm prepared for it. I'm really determined to see this through and for us to part ways. Scared shitless inside but also have a glimmer of hope too.

You did really well! Keep going.

Keep focusing on your future OP, even if your having the worst times keep looking forward.

Remember tomorrow is going to be a better day.

Sorry I’m late to this. I know someone very similar to this, a family member. Very intelligent, but not good with people and not able to have the resilience to handle authority, criticism, etc. So, he stacks shelves in a supermarket, he earns decent money as he can work overtime, and antisocial hours. It’s completely zero stress and suits him down to the ground. He has a new partner now, and a calm, happy life away from the competitiveness of certain types of people/industries.

He also lives by the seaside now, which has really helped, with his new wife, in a very quiet town.

I think you both need a change OP, and his behaviour towards you has turned into abuse, although I appreciate that it may come from his autistic tendencies and stress, it is still dangerous for you.

Thanks, last night I found things really hard. Felt very alone and vulnerable. I'm away for work. Lots of mixed emotions at the moment. Trying to keep myself busy. No idea what im really doing with my life right now! All a bit uncertain. Trying to work out what I actually want for myself. Still keeping going for now but I know this won't be an overnight thing.

I wouldn't normally suggest the woman leaves but in this situation it may be best. Leave your tenancy, transfering it to him. Then he either has to step up or will have to leave. Does he have parents/ relatives to go to?

You have done everything you can.

This will never change now.

You need to leave him and start a real life.

Good luck.

He knows you’re coming to the end of what you can cope with - that’s why he’s on his best behaviour, but he has a degree and could have got a job at any point during the last 14 years, but he chose to leech off you and abuse you instead. The armchair diagnoses of autism/narcissism or whatever aren’t helpful because they’re just being used to excuse quite frankly appalling behaviour on his part. You have suffered enough and you are not responsible for him. You don’t need to wait until June (and why would you want to) to kick him out - imagine the freedom and lightness of having your own space without that thief of joy in it. He will, guaranteed, try to manipulate you into getting back together and I suspect you will get the full works, but you are NOT responsible for him. Keep repeating the mantra, ‘This isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t want to fix it. I want you to leave’.

Ahh, cross post - congratulations- you’re making the right moves.

I agree that he's sensed that you're at the end and is now dialling back to keep you in line. He senses that he's gone too far. Whatever labels you want to put on him, undoubtedly this relationship is abusive. You need to get out. It's an incredibly harmful dynamic and while it might be changing, it is very unlikely to suddenly become healthy. Far too much water under the bridge.

I'm sorry you're feeling so shit OP. I don't think you can't help him, sadly through no fault of your own you have actually enabled him to continue the way he is and if you crumble, you can't help him anyway. He's probably more likely to sort himself out once he has to ie you kicking him out or telling him you're not renewing the lease and you're going to go back to your parents. Sounds like you need some support generally plus help to stop drinking before it gets worse. Don't let him take you down further. He needs to take responsibility for himself.

He is a parasite. Well done on taking the first step in ending it. Why do you have to financially support your parents too? Presumably this will have to stop given you have been made redundant?

It's a bit of a long story with my parents. They fell in to debt many years ago following the aftermath of 2008. My dad is now nearly 80, they never financially recovered, they needed help. But honestly that's a whole different story.

I've found work quickly so I'm okay financially at the moment even tho stressful. I can be quite resourceful.

I'm still keeping emotional distance from OH. We haven't had a proper chat this week on things but we will be given the weekend is coming. Feel drained even thinking about it. I'm hoping we will this weekend agree to the 'what's next' on a more pragmatic basis for the next few weeks/months.

Still feeling very sad and hollow. I have to keep reminding myself we do not have a healthy relationship. There isn't one. We are just two people living under the same roof. I have stayed in a separate room since January to help me psychologically detach from it. Now it is a case of preparing to move on/work through the changes. Ugh. Horrible. But hopefully I will get through it and life will go on.

He's not being horrible in any way at the moment. He is generally friendly and being proactive with house jobs and fitness. He's still being the best he's been in ages. Today he's cleaned the car including with a carpet washer and everything..! Sigh. It messes with my head.

Finding things really hard. Emotionally drained and have no motivation for anything at the moment. I felt so insane from everything I actually booked 3 nights away by myself in the countryside to try and decompress/reconnect more with myself. Felt harder than I expected. But also was helpful to have some space and to be kinder to myself. Trying to do the inner work to keep going with the change that needs to happen.

I feel so sad that I'm 35, separating from my partner of 19 years, no children, with no money spare.

The longer you drag this out, the more run down you'll become. You need to rip the plaster off and focus on your recovery. He has had fair warning that you are ending this, so get him out and start the rest of your life.

Thanks @FlowerArranger - you're right dragging it out is just going to make it worse. I'll stop moaning now too and get on with it. Thanks again