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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

12yo revealed this *(Content warning: concerns child sex abuse)

96 replies

nousernameno · 12/02/2022 06:35

My niece confided in me yesterday and said something which has made me very angry.

She said that when she was slightly younger (7-8), My SIL used to take her to her room, strip in front of her and ask her touch her breasts. She had done this on many occasions until my niece had asked why she is making her do this and she doesn't want to do it.

My niece never revealed this to us as she said she was told to keep it a secret and she thought her mum would be angry her if she told her mum.

I'm not sure how to approach this situation but clearly she has been exposed to things she shouldn't have been as a child.

Her mum is reluctant to confront the person responsible as it's family but it's driving me nuts

OP posts:
Benjispruce5 · 12/02/2022 07:43

You have a duty to report this woman for sexual abuse. Your niece has done what she is encouraged to do at school during pshe lessons: tell a trusted adult. You need to be her advocate. I can’t believe you aren’t acting on this! Who else has she abused? Who else might she go on to abuse? Your niece needs to know this isn’t right and you can help her seek help.

MaggieMooh · 12/02/2022 07:44

Honestly I would go straight to the police.

bevelino · 12/02/2022 07:45

Is the abuser sister in law the partner of your brother, or the partner of your dh’s brother?

You need to contact the police today if the parents of your niece are reluctant to act.

mrsbitaly · 12/02/2022 07:46

In addition it really should be her mother taking action with this it's such a shame she's not taking it seriously

SartresSoul · 12/02/2022 07:46

Contact the police.

Spookytooth · 12/02/2022 07:46

This reply has been deleted

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grapewine · 12/02/2022 07:48

@Benjispruce5

You have a duty to report this woman for sexual abuse. Your niece has done what she is encouraged to do at school during pshe lessons: tell a trusted adult. You need to be her advocate. I can’t believe you aren’t acting on this! Who else has she abused? Who else might she go on to abuse? Your niece needs to know this isn’t right and you can help her seek help.
This! Don't let your niece down.
Coffeeonmytoffee · 12/02/2022 07:49

I would call them police.

willieversleep · 12/02/2022 07:49

You need to report.

Your niece has told you to get help - please help her and any other children who may have contact with your SIL.

Benjispruce5 · 12/02/2022 07:49

OP my DM experienced similar from an auntie in the 1950s, her mother’s sister. She got the courage to tell her mum and she didn’t believe her. My DM told me this when I was an adult and it was the saddest thing I’d ever heard. Their relationship had no trust after that. Don’t do that to your niece.

LouLou198 · 12/02/2022 07:51

So SIL is not her mum is that correct? Your niece has confided in you, you have a responsibility to act on this and report. Your poor niece.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 12/02/2022 07:52

Another one who doesn’t understand the relationships here.

Regardless, do NOT confront the abuser. You need call the NSPCC and the police.

NeesAndToes · 12/02/2022 07:52

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Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Onlyeworethisdress · 12/02/2022 07:55

@nousernameno

I'm not too sure. I didn't want to put words in her mouth but this is all she said.
You’re right not to question her too much or put words in her mouth, leave the questioning to the experts. But please report this ASAP. It must’ve taken a huge amount of courage for her to disclose this to you.

Sometimes kids can seem like it’s not bothering them to talk about things because they dissociate, so they can seem very matter of fact, but it is obviously very distressing for them really.

Iorderedyouapancake · 12/02/2022 07:55

I think you must report this - especially as the SIL has children of her own, they may also be at risk of abuse and need to be protected

Dibbydoos · 12/02/2022 07:55

OP your poor neice. Its obvs been preying on her mind for years now. Wtf is wrong with some people?

I'm with the other posters, talk to your neice again. Get her permission to include her mum and dad and decide which way to go.

My hubbies DDs from his first marriage were abused by their step dad from the age of 6. At 17, the eldest met her boyfriend; they've been together since, but she still has horrendous flashbacks, etc. The youngest has severe depression at times. The eldest told her DM and DGM. They did nothing. My DH was prevented from seeing them even though the court ordered their mum to let him see them. We found out when the eldest was 17 and it was all out in the open because the youngest had told all the family what happened and they couldn't ignore it anymore. Guess who they all blamed for not being there? My DH who was beside himself. The last time he saw his eldest she screamed and ran back into school crying, so he decided he would find out how they were from afar. He genuinely thought he'd upset her. But the abuse was ongoing whilst he went through court to see the kids. The eldest was drawing pictures of being taken from her bed, etc, and social services did not even pick that up. I knew as soon as my DH told me.

The worst thing we can do to children is not listen and not protect them. That doesn't mean running to the police; I think your DN should be part of the decision. But it does mean making sure she gets the support she needs not before this manifests into unmanageable emotional distress as she becomes an adult.

You all need to confront your SIL if this doesn't go to the police.Your DB needs to know either way. If it causes a rift, so be it.

Sending you, your DN and any other child your SIL has done this to big hugs.

Porcupineintherough · 12/02/2022 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

MumWithYOPD · 12/02/2022 07:56

Why are people questioning the relationship between the child and the adult? It’s irrelevant.

cuno · 12/02/2022 07:57

@Spookytooth

Message deleted by MNHQ.
An expert? Confused It doesn't take an expert to tell you to call the bloody police! Which is the obvious thing anyone should do when a disclosure of child sexual abuse is made. The fact that at least you and the OP fail to realise this concerns me.
TeaRex49 · 12/02/2022 08:01

Absolutely horrific that this child has confided in 2 adults that she’s been sexually abused and the adults have done nothing! It’s neglectful and incredibly damaging. Not to mention the risk you are allowing to this woman’s son, there’s every chance she’s asking this child to touch her breasts too.

You need to contact police about this. If it was your BIL stripping and making her touch his penis would you still be debating what to do?

victoriaaurora · 12/02/2022 08:03

You must report this. Your niece has had the courage to tell you, she will need support now to deal with the trauma this will have caused. This is sexual abuse, no question. As someone else has said, victims have a tendency to minimise what has happened. Your niece knew in her gut that this was wrong.

Be brave, put your niece first, no matter what the repercussions for the family. She has to know that she is believed and that none of this was her fault. These people have to be stopped or they will do it to someone else.

ByMyName · 12/02/2022 08:06

Don’t ask any more questions as you are not trained to deal with it. Call police now and they will know what to look for and ask.

Nspcc will also offer advice.

OakRowan · 12/02/2022 08:06

You can't deal with this privately as a family, contact the police immediately. Would you even be asking if this was her uncle, would PPs seriously be saying oh hang on, talk about it together and decide how to proceed? If this is real you are complicit if you do not report this to the police now that you know. Safeguard the other children involved.

NativityDreaming · 12/02/2022 08:06

You do know what you need to do. Your niece was scared her mum would be mad and she told you instead. You spoke with her mum and she wants to sweep it under the carpet, effectively letting your niece know she isn’t important in all this. You are obligated to report it.

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