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Relationships

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Original poster

Leaving partner over debt?

56 replies

Dalmatiancupcakes · 11/02/2022 21:08

Would you leave someone who was in so much debt that you had to fund everything despite them being a higher income earner?
No treats, date nights or gifts.
Every penny on paying back debts.
Almost a year into the relationship and it’s bringing me down, but I love him and feel very shallow to be annoyed by something like money when he treats me wonderfully as a person.

OP posts:

ballsdeep · 11/02/2022 21:08

After a year yes id leave.
No wonder hes treating you wonderfully when youre paying for everything.

GoodMuse · 11/02/2022 21:09

I don't think I would as long as he was open about it all and was paying it back. Also, maybe depends how much debt he had and how long it will take to repay

BoodleBug51 · 11/02/2022 21:10

I couldn't respect him.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 11/02/2022 21:11

If you met him online and he was actively putting himself out there looking for a relationship he knows full well he can't contribute financially to, then he is a massive user and has probably targeted you to pay for him until he has paid off. He's probably hoping you'll offer to pay them back and then he will dump you. How did you meet and end up in a relationship with him?

FennecShandDoesEverything · 11/02/2022 21:12

Unless he ran it up due to a calamity completely outside his control - suddenly had to take in his younger siblings while trying to get through uni, say, or supporting a very ill relative - yeah, I'd be off.

A shared approach to money matters and I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't rely on in that way.

Spitspatspot · 11/02/2022 21:12

Speaking as someone who spent many years in debt, it sounds like he is not in control of his financial position of his income is being wiped out by repayments. Has he sought any advice about his debts? He may qualify for a repayment plan of some sort that could ease things - took me a while to be brave and have the difficult conversations, but it turns out even creditors don’t expect you to scrape by day to day whilst repaying them!

2otheleft · 11/02/2022 21:13

I've been separated from my ex for over a year now, he was badly in debt (not the reason I left) but I'm still getting debt letters delivered to my address now...one today infact for a phone bill I suspect. I just give em back the postman

pickingdaisies · 11/02/2022 21:16

He's not treating you wonderfully though, he's living off your money.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/02/2022 21:17

No kids- then yes I’d leave!!!!!

Original poster

Dalmatiancupcakes · 11/02/2022 21:20

Just to add I don’t pay his way for him and I’ve never contributed to a debt payment, in terms of paying for everything that means our dates and any food during the week. I have bailed him out quite a few times and he always paid me back but I began to refuse as I knew he couldn’t afford to.

He is my best friends brother in law so I know the debt is genuine and admittedly I knew about it for years before we began dating. I just didn’t expect to feel so crushed by the weight of it and I can’t envision a future with this man who may not be able to cover our mortgage, childcare costs and so on.

OP posts:

ballsdeep · 11/02/2022 21:26

Well I thibk youve answered your own question op. Youre already feeling the crush and it doesnt affect you yet. Will you even be able to get a mortgage and as youve said he has been in debt for years

billy1966 · 11/02/2022 21:58

Yes I would.

You sound miserable.

He can't afford to be in a relationship and he is selfish to be in one with you.

Move on.

Hoppinggreen · 11/02/2022 22:01

It doesn’t sound like much fun really and you are only 1 year in

Suzanne999 · 11/02/2022 22:08

@Dalmatiancupcakes

It sounds from this that it’s a very long term debt. I don’t think you can start a relationship that could involve future children on such an unequal footing. You’re already feeling the drag of no treats, no fun —- do you still want this 5 years from now with a child or two, childcare costs, increased housing costs.

Ihatesalad · 11/02/2022 22:23

Really depends why it was incurred and exactly how much it is.

Mumof3confused · 12/02/2022 06:18

How did he end up in this debt and how long will it take him to pay it off? Does he have his own home or is he living with relatives?

HollowTalk · 12/02/2022 06:22

I wouldn't and I'm surprised you entered the relationship knowing about it. Why should you pay for his bad decisions?

KatherineJaneway · 12/02/2022 06:53

@Ihatesalad

Really depends why it was incurred and exactly how much it is.

Exactly

FindingMeno · 12/02/2022 06:56

It depends on how long this will go on for really.

Diditopknot · 12/02/2022 07:01

Yes.
Absolutely, 100% I’d be gone.

Not shallow, nothing to do with material things, everything to do with not being my problem to carry.

I live by other peoples mistakes and as a cautionary tale, my mil was lead a fucking dogs life by fil because of his never ending debts.
She had absolutely nothing their whole married life, kids had nothing, she had nothing.
She died in a better position because when I met dh, we showed her how life should have been.

Right there in full colour, a live show was my poor mil. No way on gods green earth would I enter into that situation.
I’d be gone.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 12/02/2022 07:02

...the debt is genuine and admittedly I knew about it for years before we began dating
I honestly can’t understand why, if you knew that he was in such a bad financial situation, that you didn’t consider the likely impact on entering a relationship with this man 😳
He’s obviously perfectly happy with you paying for everything,why wouldn’t he be?!
It doesn’t sound like his dire finances are improving after all this time so are you happy to carry on being a very convenient prop forever? He’s got no incentive to change, has he!

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 07:05

Absolutely I would. You do, infact, pay his way. You pay for dates and food.

He is a higher earner and ALL his wages go on debt? And how much of a dent has he made in it? In the last year?

If he is a higher earner and only spend on that, it must have reduced by a huge amount?

I couldn't be with someone who was going to bring money issues into my life.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/02/2022 07:16

@pickingdaisies

He's not treating you wonderfully though, he's living off your money.

This^

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 12/02/2022 07:21

Leave now. You ate being used. Pure and simple. I never pay off mens debts.

Acorndetector · 12/02/2022 07:23

I am very careful with my own finances. I was raised in poverty to parents that thought nothing of getting into debt to have nice things on credit. Whilst we went without food. I have never been in debt myself but I have gone without holidays, spend very cautiously and saved for the things I needed. The savings I have, have been worked hard for and to me represent security. There is not a chance in hell I would be paying for someone elses debt and poor choices. Nor would I want to be with someone in debt (excluding a mortgage) Even worse is someone who would be willing to let me pay off theres.

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