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Original poster

Leaving partner over debt?

56 replies

Dalmatiancupcakes · 11/02/2022 21:08

Would you leave someone who was in so much debt that you had to fund everything despite them being a higher income earner?
No treats, date nights or gifts.
Every penny on paying back debts.
Almost a year into the relationship and it’s bringing me down, but I love him and feel very shallow to be annoyed by something like money when he treats me wonderfully as a person.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 12/02/2022 07:25

Please don’t marry him and take on his debts. Time to move on.

QuiteAtALoss · 12/02/2022 07:27

A partnership should be one of equals, and that includes money matters. Attitude towards money is far more important than actual bank balance, though - spending vs saving, generous vs tight-fisted, emotional baggage around money, etc.

It sounds like you are mismatched and wasting your time tbh. As you've already said, his debt is crushing you with worry, and you aren't even financially enmeshed. Your future with him isn't bright.

OakRowan · 12/02/2022 07:28

You are paying for his debts, by paying his way, paying for everything, you are enabling him. Not healthy, or sustainable, after only a year it is extraordinary that you are in the position, especially because you knew from the start. He isn't trustworthy oreliable if he isn't actively managing his debts. How have they happened, are they going up or down, is he a gambler, drink/drugs, how old are you both, where is his higher income going? Run a mile.

Loopytiles · 12/02/2022 07:30

Not a good decision to date him in the first place, especially since you’d like a long term relationship and DC.

So yes, unless the end of his repayments is imminent, would walk away now.

GiantSpider · 12/02/2022 07:31

You say the debt is "genuine" but the important thing is how did he get into it? If it was his own fault, overspending money that he didn't actually have, then I'd definitely leave. You're not leaving due to the money as such, you're leaving because he's the kind of person who chooses short term gratification above long term security, and it's hard to respect that kind of person.

If it was the result of a catastrophe beyond his control then I'd have more sympathy.

Skilovingmama · 12/02/2022 07:31

@GeneLovesJezebel

Please don’t marry him and take on his debts. Time to move on.
You don’t take on a spouses debt when you marry them. This is a myth.

OP how much money is it and what plan does he have to repay it? Is he taking active steps to do so or is he just making minimum payments and coasting along? I would tell him he needs to seek debt management advice if the relationship was to continue. And what guarantees do you have that he won’t run up more debt in the future? I know a woman who ran up 30k in credit card debts and her parents helped her out and paid it off. Three years later she had 30k debts again. She just couldn’t manage money.

Loopytiles · 12/02/2022 07:32

OP is already negatively affected by the debt now, as she’s spending her money subsidising him for food etc, and would continue to be should she continue to date him or move in with him.

GiantSpider · 12/02/2022 07:33

Also, saying you knew about it before you got into the relationship doesn't mean you can't leave. You didn't realise how miserable it would be.

LadyLolaRuben · 12/02/2022 07:37

It would depend on how he came to be in si much debt, how much it is and how long it will take to be paid off. But if it was impacting on me like the way you describe and its going to be like that long term, I couldn't continue.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/02/2022 07:43

Yes I would end it. Being on the same page financially is a huge huge part of a relationship.

You say it’s not his fault but is he really doing everything possible to pay it back as soon as possible. ??

pickingdaisies · 12/02/2022 07:45

Thinking about it, I don't see how you can afford to have children with this man. How do you feed another person? Clothe them, pay for holidays? However lovely he is, this is a massive pit he has got himself into. And he is dragging you into it. Is there any end in sight, since you are subsidising his day to day expenses? Can you actually cope with what is happening? It sounds like you are cracking to be honest.

Ragwort · 12/02/2022 07:48

How is the debt 'genuine'? Has he been extraordinarily unlucky?

What is he doing to pay back the debt? Is he with a recognised support agency? Does he work overtime or have an extra part time job etc?

I know a couple of people who have been 'in debt' for years, it's very sad that they lead chaotic lives but they lurch from one crisis to another and never learn from their mistakes. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that.

Porcupineintherough · 12/02/2022 07:52

I dont think how the debt came about is as important as its implications for the relationship. You are looking for love, marriage, children yes? Better to find somebody on a firm financial footing.

If you were in a relationship with someone with a drink problem, you might be sympathetic to the reasons for their poor relationship with alcohol but it wouldnt change the fact that they wouldnt be a good life partner

Wrongkindofovercoat · 12/02/2022 08:24

A lot would depend on why he has the debt and what sort of debt , so mortgage, loans , credit cards etc and how he is managing that debt. Is he actively seeking to pay it off over a defined period of time or is he just making the minimum payments ?
Crucially how does he react if you talk about it ?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 12/02/2022 08:26

Bin.
NOW.

inheritancetrack · 12/02/2022 08:27

How much debt? It sounds like £100,000s. No I couldn't cope with that.

If it's a reasonable amount with genuine reasons for having it, and he is making good efforts to repay it, then I would consider continuing with the relationship. I'd need to look at all the numbers and see a time when we would be debt free.

Bananalanacake · 12/02/2022 08:30

If he earns a good wage he could pay back a grand or two each month to get it down.

LittleOwl153 · 12/02/2022 08:37

Hang on... you knew about his debts for years BEFORE you dated him? How much debt it this guy in and how much is he realistically paying back... sounds to me as though he is avoiding the issue and paying minimum payments.... even a bankruptcy from a failed business which is the biggest legitimate debt I can think of only takes payments for so long....

RosesforTea · 12/02/2022 09:01

It’s impossible to comment without knowing the amount of debt remaining, the estimated time to repay it and what it was for.

If he incurred significant debt on education (eg like some in the US do) and is on some kind of ‘Dave Ramsey’ pay it off ASAP to get his life/income back, I would be sympathetic to that, and see the big picture.

If it was a business gone wrong/bankrupt and he had a set amount to pay for a number of years, I would possibly be sympathetic to that as well. Managing a business doesn’t suit everyone and can be difficult.

If it was gambling debts, that would take all his spare ‘fun money’ for the next 5 years, I would be less sympathetic.

If it was an ex and children, I’d be wary of the emotional issues that would also come with the debt.

In short, I can’t tell if you are being unreasonable or not, until I know why the debt was incurred and how long is left.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 12/02/2022 09:02

How much does he owe and how did he accrue such monumental debt?

It's pathetic of him that you've had to bail him out a number of times in one year.

He sounds like a loser.

ballsdeep · 12/02/2022 09:05

Serious question.. What is 'genuine' debt? Everything is genuine ehen you take it out; a car, home improvements.....

ChocolateMassacre · 12/02/2022 09:07

Yes, I would end the relationship, especially if I wanted to have children. I wouldn't want to bring children into a potentially financially unstable situation where I would be the only one providing for them. I know many women end up in that situation through no choice or decision of their own, but it is very tough and it's not a decision I would make with my eyes open from the outset. If you have children with this man, you may find yourself with a lot less choices and having to make some unpalatable decisions like cutting short your maternity leave because your income is needed to pay the bills. I also wouldn't want a long-term relationship with someone I couldn't trust financially.

pinkyredrose · 12/02/2022 09:13

What's his repayment schedule, ie.when will he have paid it off?

KohlaParasaurus · 12/02/2022 10:02

If the debt was due to educational expenses or a single catastrophic event and he was actively paying it off, with a definite end in sight, and he was otherwise highly compatible, it might be reasonable to continue the relationship. If this is how things are going to be for the foreseeable future or if the "genuine reason" for the debt is likely to happen again, your current doubts are only going to grow and it would be better to end the relationship and move on. This is not "shallow". Money issues are one of the main causes of relationships breaking down, and on these boards you'll read tale after tale of women who are being taken advantage of financially by superficially lovely men.

Theyellowblanketofdeath · 12/02/2022 10:05

I can’t envision a future with this man who may not be able to cover our mortgage, childcare costs and so on

You've answered your own question with this. It all depends on how the debt was accrued and when it will be paid off. If his business went bust in Covid and it will be clear in X amount of years is very different to blowing it all in the bookies with no end date in sight for clearing it.