Surviving my husbands affair

SweeterThanSugar · 2022-02-10T12:05:32+00:00

Can someone help? I'm going insane. We are 6 months out since last contact between the two of them (that I know of) I am struggling with everything, the relationship, the kids, my self image, my will to live. I just need kind words or helpful advice. We've been together for 20 years and I don't intend on leaving unless something else happens. I also can not see me struggling less if I left. I'm miserable and I feel worthless.

ThuMuClu · 10/02/2022 12:11

When I was unhappy in a relationship, someone I worked with said to me, “if you split, you only have to get over that once. If you stay, you have to deal with it every day forever.” It’s entirely your decision and only you need to make it and make your peace with it but honestly, saying you won’t leave unless something else happens sounds like you are living with it hanging over you and that won’t change as long as you’re together.

MaChienEstUnDick · 10/02/2022 12:16

I know this is hard to hear because you feel like your decision has been 'made' but if it's been 6 months and it's not working, maybe it's time to unmake it? You're allowed to change your mind. after all, your DH was allowed to change his mind about his marriage vows

Is he doing anything to help you move forward?

layladomino · 10/02/2022 12:16

Has he worked really hard to show you he knows he was in the wrong, and he is grateful that you stood by him because he didn't deserve it? Is he happy to discuss it when you need to? Does he show you in how he acts and what he says, that he is completely fairthful to you now, and compeltely sorry for what he did?

Without all of the above you don't stand a chance of reclaiming a happy relationship, IMO.

Original poster

SweeterThanSugar · 10/02/2022 12:18

@layladomino

Has he worked really hard to show you he knows he was in the wrong, and he is grateful that you stood by him because he didn't deserve it? Is he happy to discuss it when you need to? Does he show you in how he acts and what he says, that he is completely fairthful to you now, and compeltely sorry for what he did?

Without all of the above you don't stand a chance of reclaiming a happy relationship, IMO.

Yes to all. I'm just struggling.

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/02/2022 12:20

My advice would to be get him out of your life. You will live this uncertainty and anguish as long as you are together.

Original poster

SweeterThanSugar · 10/02/2022 12:21

@GeneLovesJezebel

My advice would to be get him out of your life. You will live this uncertainty and anguish as long as you are together.

We have two children together he'll never be out of my life even if I leave.

OP posts:

LlamaLucy · 10/02/2022 12:27

@GeneLovesJezebel

My advice would to be get him out of your life. You will live this uncertainty and anguish as long as you are together.

I agree. I know you’ve said ‘we’ve got kids, he’ll never be out of my life’ - but I feel that is an excuse, the type of excuse someone with very low self esteem makes to continue in a broken relationship, thus, allowing him to damage your self-esteem further.

Put yourself first, leave him.

ravenmum · 10/02/2022 12:28

Have you had professional help? Has it been at all helpful if so?
How old are the children?

Bunty55 · 10/02/2022 12:30

My advice to you would be to get him out of your head OP. He is not the man you thought he was. He is weak and unkind and you deserve better.
If this were me, and it was at one time, I would start doing things without him. Do not include him in holidays. I went on my own with my children at half term and realised it was nicer without him there.
I knew I could manage without him and that was liberating. From there I just started making decisions alone and stopped asking for his advice or input into anything. I felt empowered. When he finally left I was relieved

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/02/2022 12:32

I felt empowered after I spoke to a solicitor about what I could expect to get in a divorce.

FlowerArranger · 10/02/2022 12:39

You are unlikely to ever get over this. Not in a meaningful way, anyway. It'll hang over you for as long you're with him.

Or alternayively leave him. And live your best life

QuirkyTurtle · 10/02/2022 12:40

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. That feeling of betrayal is incomparable to anything else.

I would suggest, if finances allow it, that you look into professional help both privately for yourself, as well as couples therapy.

It is possible survive this, and come out the other end stronger, if both parties put in the effort. I know that of course the burden lies mostly with your husband.

Have a look at Esther Perel's podcasts and TED talks about the subject. I know it sounds silly to think you'd get anything out of a talk, but my friend who went through the same thing got a LOT out of those talks.

Good luck xx

Dontbeme · 10/02/2022 12:41

OP when I was in your situation I was told it takes two to five years, with both partners working very hard, to rebuild a fractured relationship. Six months in I couldn't have told you what my name was, let alone feel okay on a day to day basis. Your marriage as you knew it is over, what you have now is the opportunity to build a new relationship from scratch with this man, but he is not the same man as before either, you will be essentially starting a new relationship with a man you know is capable of lying, deceiving and being unfaithful to you. I would advise you to get individual counseling with someone who deals with infidelity, you need to deal with the grief of losing the man you thought he was, deal with navigating this "new" marriage, but more importantly deal with the unfairness that none of this was your doing but you will be the one most hurt and doing the most work for no guarantees. I think you should see counseling as an opportunity to learn how to be okay on your own, then if the marriage survives or doesn't you will be sure of feeling capable no matter what happens, that will help make you feel secure, your own strength is what you can rely on. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and you family.

Snoken · 10/02/2022 12:44

@Bunty55

My advice to you would be to get him out of your head OP. He is not the man you thought he was. He is weak and unkind and you deserve better. If this were me, and it was at one time, I would start doing things without him. Do not include him in holidays. I went on my own with my children at half term and realised it was nicer without him there. I knew I could manage without him and that was liberating. From there I just started making decisions alone and stopped asking for his advice or input into anything. I felt empowered. When he finally left I was relieved

I did this too before I took the plunge. I spent less and less time with him, I too took the kids away by myself, I made weekend plans for myself without consulting him (my kids are older teens). It was so clear to me then how much happier I would be if all I had to do were the things I wanted to do, and I didn't miss him in the slightest. Quite the opposit actually, I dreaded coming home. We are now mid-separation and although some aspects are difficult, we have actually managed to stay friends so far. We both came to the realisation our relationship is dead, it just happened sooner for me. The kids are absolutely fine too. Luckily they are at that age when everything is all about them, so they don't seem to care much. DS even encouraged the separation at one point, saying he thought I was so much more fun when dad wasn't around.

Original poster

SweeterThanSugar · 10/02/2022 12:53

@QuirkyTurtle

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. That feeling of betrayal is incomparable to anything else.

I would suggest, if finances allow it, that you look into professional help both privately for yourself, as well as couples therapy.

It is possible survive this, and come out the other end stronger, if both parties put in the effort. I know that of course the burden lies mostly with your husband.

Have a look at Esther Perel's podcasts and TED talks about the subject. I know it sounds silly to think you'd get anything out of a talk, but my friend who went through the same thing got a LOT out of those talks.

Good luck xx

Thank you. I watched these a few months ago. I must watch again. I'm doing pretty well really considering but it's the nighttime that's the killer. His new depression meds make him fall straight to sleep and I'm left here alone with my thoughts.

OP posts:

Staryflight445 · 10/02/2022 12:54

What’s so good about your partner that you’re enabling yourself to feel like this?

Would you not prefer a clear slate and an opportunity to find someone who fully values you, makes you feel fantastic, someone who makes you feel alive again?

I couldn’t ever survive cheating, you get one opportunity to live your life. Why on earth would you stick around for someone who has done this to you? It was a choice. You don’t accidentally have an affair.
Your feelings can be controlled, he’s selfish and he’s hurt you.
Find your rage and your inner respect for yourself and go from there.

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/02/2022 12:55

Yes, you have children together but you can have an effective co-parenting relationship with him without being married to him.

I left my husband after his affair and it broke my heart as I loved him with everything I had and had done for over 20 years. I knew though that what had broken could never be fixed for me and I didn't want to build a new relationship with a different man...or at least not the man he turned out to be.

I won't lie, the first 6 months or so were horrible. For me, for our children, our families and friends, but 4 years on, we are going through the divorce process and are both in new relationships. We co-parent together and throughout everything, our children have come first. It hurt like hell when our marriage ended and part of me will always be sad about that, but I know if i'd have stayed, I would have lost me.

gonnabeok · 10/02/2022 12:55

I was where you are now a year ago. I tried for 6 months after my ex's affair - had been together over 15 years. I Tried so hard to keep it together and get past it when we got back together.

But, I can only describe myself as haunted to be honest. Haunted by how capable he was of doing what he did when all I thought I ever was was supportive to him, haunted by how he seemed to just need me to be perfectly fine now and never have a wobble, haunted by how no matter how hard I tried I honestly just could not forgive him and he was no longer the person I thought I had been in a relationship with all those years. Haunted by thinking of him with her everytime we tried to be intimate. In the end I had to end it. Now I wasn't the same person I had been. Made stronger by the trauma and realised that actually I really didn't have the appetite or energy anymore to attempt to put in so much hard work and slog to get the relationship to where it needed to be the second time around.

I would suggest having someone to talk to on your own and try and process your feelings. If you need time apart again to do this then take this. Some relationships can get past this but the figures are very low. The sad fact is that even though they did this to you you also have to put in a lot of hard work to improve the relationship but it's only your decision to make. I'm glad I tried for a time but if I'm entirely honest I'm more glad that I moved on from it.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/02/2022 12:57

I had this last year. He seemed desperate to do anything to make it work. 2 months on I was still a wreck and so he walked out on me because 'we' (him) had broken our relationship.
It was shattering. I wish I'd kicked him out from the off.
I'd also advise getting rid but having not done so myself, completely understand.
Good luck.

Velvian · 10/02/2022 12:59

@SweeterThanSugar, I just wanted to let you know that staying after an affair can have a seriously negative impact on your children's lives.

Me and my Dsis did not know about dad's affair until our late 30s, but it explained so much. We both made seriously bad life choices, with the idea that a man was the ultimate prize. We have both been ib abusive relationships, both struggled with jealousy.

Our childhood was not at all healthy, despite being middle class and having parents that stayed together.

I know it can e a meaningless cliché, but doing what is best for your self esteem will be best for your DCs

Staryflight445 · 10/02/2022 13:02

So sorry to hear that @Velvian
I don’t know why people stay together just for their children, splitting up is fine. Its not like either of you are dead or have fallen off the face of the earth.

You don’t have to live with someone 100% of the time to have a relationship with them, look at grandparents- they manage fine to have loving valuable relationships with their grandchildren.

Totallyanonymousplease · 10/02/2022 13:04

Leaving is not easy - you are right to take your time with the decision. You have decided to stay for now - you can change your mind at any time.

Also echo PP who have said you’re still at the beginning of this journey and also individual counselling would be a good idea.

Other posters seem to have left when they realised they were happier alone - does this apply to you or do you still enjoy spending time together? Can you spend some time focusing on you and your needs? Maybe in this new marriage you are building your needs can be more important.

Good luck.

ravenmum · 10/02/2022 13:07

Have you got anything to help you sleep? There are some pills you can get based on antihistamines that are quite easy to get hold of and not addictive. www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/sleeping-pills-and-minor-tranquillisers/sleeping-pills/

You could also try valerian; this is a natural remedy but scientific studies have shown that at high doses, and taken continuously, it does have a measurable effect.

I'd also recommend going jogging or something similar before going to bed.

Six months is nothing.

Original poster

SweeterThanSugar · 10/02/2022 13:13

@Staryflight445

What’s so good about your partner that you’re enabling yourself to feel like this?

Would you not prefer a clear slate and an opportunity to find someone who fully values you, makes you feel fantastic, someone who makes you feel alive again?

I couldn’t ever survive cheating, you get one opportunity to live your life. Why on earth would you stick around for someone who has done this to you? It was a choice. You don’t accidentally have an affair.
Your feelings can be controlled, he’s selfish and he’s hurt you.
Find your rage and your inner respect for yourself and go from there.

Honestly given I have two special needs children and cptsd I don't think I would want anyone else in my life if I left.

OP posts:

Campervangirl · 10/02/2022 13:15

Classic! He's blown your world apart and he's the one on antidepressants! 🙄
I'd laugh if it wasn't so bloody tragic.

Remember that when he's saying sorry, it's you I love, I'll do anything to put this right, you were the last person he was thinking about when he was shagging someone else.

Also remember that whilst you're worried about the DC and the effect on their lives of splitting up etc, the DC were one of the last things on his mind when he was shagging someone else.

He'll do it again, you realise that don't you?
You let him get away with it and it's a green light for him.

You're waiting to see if anything else happens before you leave him, it's happened honey, he cheated.
Find your self respect and kick him to the kerb