Surviving my husbands affair

[SweeterThanSugar]

Can someone help? I'm going insane. We are 6 months out since last contact between the two of them (that I know of) I am struggling with everything, the relationship, the kids, my self image, my will to live. I just need kind words or helpful advice. We've been together for 20 years and I don't intend on leaving unless something else happens. I also can not see me struggling less if I left.

I'm miserable and I feel worthless.

‘ Honestly given I have two special needs children and cptsd I don't think I would want anyone else in my life if I left.’

I think those circumstances should make you want to be on your own even more after how he’s behaved.
Nobody actively wants someone else, but after you’ve clearly been through so much, why stick around for someone who has disrespected you knowing what you have to deal with and what you’ve been through?

@ravenmum

Have you got anything to help you sleep? There are some pills you can get based on antihistamines that are quite easy to get hold of and not addictive. www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/sleeping-pills-and-minor-tranquillisers/sleeping-pills/

You could also try valerian; this is a natural remedy but scientific studies have shown that at high doses, and taken continuously, it does have a measurable effect.

I'd also recommend going jogging or something similar before going to bed.

Six months is nothing.

I have melatonin but my anxiety is too high I need to ground first. Can't take valerian as I'm on Zoloft.

I've gone back to a psychologist I've been back for a few months. We're working on schema therapy and my self esteem and cptsd. But it is all a process.

We love each other and struggle to be apart. Honestly I think we would both top ourselves if we split.

We are both working hard to make it work but im delve sabotatingly empathetic and I know how very much he is hurting for what he has done. I don't want to hurt him but I do want to be able to heal in a healthy supportive manner.

My friend was you. She lasted several years but gave up in the end and realised it wasn't going away. She left. Was hard but she has now after a long time met someone new and getting married.

She regrets staying

Honestly it's horrendous. The whole thing. It's heartbreaking and I did not in anyway deserve it. I am so broken. I have nothing left.

I'd look into something to help you sleep if possible, even if it just occasionally - e.g. if you know that you have to be in form the next day. I found that the antihistamines also lasted a bit the next morning, so I didn't feel as anxious.
Would you be physically able to do any sports?

Of course you didn’t deserve it, nobody ever deserves that.

Do you think you both could be trauma bonded?
Whilst you’re going through your healing therapy’s do you think it would be wise to separate whilst you both get yourself in a better place, so you’re both strong enough to fight if this is what you want?

@ravenmum

I'd look into something to help you sleep if possible, even if it just occasionally - e.g. if you know that you have to be in form the next day. I found that the antihistamines also lasted a bit the next morning, so I didn't feel as anxious. Would you be physically able to do any sports?

Thanks I'll have to get some. I'm a runner but I don't have the heart at the moment.

I know you have been together a long time, as I was with my husband, but you were an autonomous being before him and you will be again without him.

He will have to do his share with your dc so you might actually get a break now and again. I found that quite liberating. I took up a new hobby, saw more of friends and eventually started dating. My social life flourished while his diminished as he was used to doing what he wanted when he wanted. Him having our dc really pissed his younger OW off too and that didn't last. These foolish men.

It also sounds as if you feel you have to stay, as it would be too hard to leave?
I can understand that, but I wonder if you could relieve that feeling of being trapped/helpless by slowly gaining more independence - so that even if you stay, you are in a position that you could leave if you wanted to? Greater autonomy reduces anxiety.

For example, slowly start looking into how it could work practically if you broke up, so that it is not a huge unknown. Just so that you are properly informed. Could he have the kids 3 days a week so that you would have a couple of days off? Would you be eligible for financial support? Could you stay in the house until the children are 18, then change your arrangements? That kind of practical thing.

Whatever you do end up deciding, you can do it step by step, gradually.

Hello, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My husband had an affair almost 7 years ago, I always said infidelity would be a deal breaker but I was devastated and shocked when it happened and I stayed. I have 2 children with ASD.
I didn't know how hard it would be to put us back together and it is only in the last 6 months that I have started to believe things might be alright but I never feel totally safe and I am not the same person I was. He has tried to do all he can to make things up to me, he is now the man I always hoped he would be, but it really is too late.
It's been 7 years that have changed me, it's been hard, soul destroying, and it's always there at the back of your head. In all honesty I wish I had been brave enough to leave.

Try and keep running. That helped my mind so much and was a great opportunity to use my adrenaline effectively (still is mid-divorce).

Hello Sweeter
I am a bit further down the road than you ... It was July that I found out about my wife's long term affair and I too decided to stay.
There have been goodish days and bloody horrid days and I oscillate between a whole range of different feelings. Generally I do believe that I am doing the right thing for me (and probably for my wife as well...).

It hasn't been easy and I found myself obsessing about her behaviour, this didn't help as mostly I was just hurting myself. Getting professional help is a very good idea if that doesn’t work for either you or your finances do you have a good, discreet and non judgemental friend? I used a close (female) friend who has been a total rock for me and enabled me to look at different points of view.
Try and look at where you have come from when the affair started... we were in a bad place and my wife was in a very low place (death of parent, finances in trouble, I had severe depression etc) and I am able to appreciate that it was easy for her to look for a ego boost at the time... although v hard to cope with the length of her affair.

I too watched every video I could find of help on you tube, but eventually you just have to run your own race.
You will get a lot of people sticking the boot in and telling you what a stupid/foolish/weak/demeaning thing you are doing... close your mind to them. Do what is right for you it doesn’t matter if it would be right for someone else... you are living your life not theirs.
Equally there are some folk on here who have your post and are able to offer constructive advice and help pay attention to the good ones (wish I could remember their names).

I wish you all the very best in this struggle and if you look over to the side you may see me walking a parallel pathway.

All the very best and look after yourself.

I'm a runner but I don't have the heart at the moment
Could you perhaps trick yourself into it by signing up to an event you would have to train for, or finding some running partners so you feel obliged to go? I'm in a running group for older women and only one is married ...

You deserve happiness. Many couples don't split at the time of the affair discovery but in the year or so after, as they relaise they can't get past it.
Don't let sunk cost (Google that if you haven't come across that term before) stop you for living a fulfilling happy life in the future. You have most of your life ahead of you, build something fabulous without him as a partner and just as a co parent.

@Eyepic

Hello Sweeter I am a bit further down the road than you ... It was July that I found out about my wife's long term affair and I too decided to stay. There have been goodish days and bloody horrid days and I oscillate between a whole range of different feelings. Generally I do believe that I am doing the right thing for me (and probably for my wife as well...).

It hasn't been easy and I found myself obsessing about her behaviour, this didn't help as mostly I was just hurting myself. Getting professional help is a very good idea if that doesn’t work for either you or your finances do you have a good, discreet and non judgemental friend? I used a close (female) friend who has been a total rock for me and enabled me to look at different points of view.
Try and look at where you have come from when the affair started... we were in a bad place and my wife was in a very low place (death of parent, finances in trouble, I had severe depression etc) and I am able to appreciate that it was easy for her to look for a ego boost at the time... although v hard to cope with the length of her affair.

I too watched every video I could find of help on you tube, but eventually you just have to run your own race.
You will get a lot of people sticking the boot in and telling you what a stupid/foolish/weak/demeaning thing you are doing... close your mind to them. Do what is right for you it doesn’t matter if it would be right for someone else... you are living your life not theirs.
Equally there are some folk on here who have your post and are able to offer constructive advice and help pay attention to the good ones (wish I could remember their names).

I wish you all the very best in this struggle and if you look over to the side you may see me walking a parallel pathway.

All the very best and look after yourself.

Thank you.

@ravenmum I've signed up for a run in may. It isn't helping much. Time constraints and health limitations are a pain too

Op I've left mine but I'm still struggling. But when I see him is when I struggle. Alone isn't worse nor is it better but the dread pit in stomach feeling of anxiety has now gone. I couldn't live like that.
Get therapy if you can, it can help either couples or alone. Either way it does get better. I also have started jorunaling but only today and am hoping this helps me.
You are stronger than you know.

@SweeterThanSugar Do you have support for your CPTSD? I'm waiting on counseling for mine but have found two books helpful while waiting "Recovery from complex PTSD" by Don Barlow and "The dialectic behaviour therapy workbook" by Matthew McKay. If you're under financial pressure I would be move than happy to gift you both books, just DM me. Please take care of yourself.

[quote Dontbeme]@SweeterThanSugar Do you have support for your CPTSD? I'm waiting on counseling for mine but have found two books helpful while waiting "Recovery from complex PTSD" by Don Barlow and "The dialectic behaviour therapy workbook" by Matthew McKay. If you're under financial pressure I would be move than happy to gift you both books, just DM me. Please take care of yourself.[/quote]
Quoting myself to add it would be digital copies, in case I come across as a weirdo trying to get your home address.

4 years on.. I stayed and it's never got any better. I've just prolonged the inevitable.. I also have two children with autism and I do everything for them! I thought staying was the best thing because of routine etc but it's most definitely not. I don't want my children growing up thinking it's OK to lie and cheat. I realise now I'm worth so much more, I've been diagnosed with PTSD because what my husband put me through.. don't be me, get out and live your life! Sending hugs xx

I am miserable and I feel worthless.

I can understand your deep unhappiness OP, but please don't feel worthless, you are not. You have put all your best efforts into your marriage and your family, and you are not responsible for your situation. Please don't take that extra burden on yourself, you have not earned it and you are stronger than you know.

Sending strength and all good wishes. 💐

Healing from infidelity takes 2-5 years whether you stay or go. You’re going through a trauma. The lack of sleep is part of that. Your mind needs to process the pain. I once had someone say to me it’s like the after shocks after an earthquake, slowly getting less over time.

The pain is there, your husband set you on the roller coaster, you can’t get off. It has to be processed. Self care is the only way to do this and counselling if possible, with someone trained in infidelity trauma. Long walks, screaming in the car, journaling, all helped me. I also read everything I could, that helped me let go of apportioning any blame to myself or my marriage. It gave me the skills to talk productively about the affair to my husband.

You are a fledgling on your journey. You don’t have to make any decisions re staying or going.

Work on getting yourself in a better place to really look at what YOU want. To really consider what will make @SweeterThanSugar happier. You don’t have to force yourself into any decision. Your husband should understand that.

Completely your decision if you want to remain together, build your strength up and confidence, you have been hit with a steam roller.

Nobody makes great decisions whilst they are dealing with trauma.
Forget the decisions for now.

It will take you years to heal from this betrayal and the journey is one that you should steer. He needs to step up and be very kind to you, if not he's better off away from you.

Part of me thinks sleep with someone else, befriend another man, allow that to happen but that normally doesn't happen because the betrayed are usually so broken they believe no one would want them.

Anyway, like a pp said this will take at least 2 - 5 years to even start loosening the pain from your thoughts, it's horrendous, whether you are together or not, it's a long journey.

It's the feeling safe part that is hard to get back, the women who overcome betrayal and remain together are usually the ones who have worked on becoming self suffiecent in the marriage and not leaving themselves 'open' as it were.
You can still have a marriage but one that is not fully open and surrendering, you will always have your guard up for protection, it's innevitable.

Part of the magic has gone and that is very sad, the saddness can be overwhelming, some cope better than others. The strength you need is collosal, are you strong enough, do you want to be strong enough, does he deserve you being strong enough.
6 months in and you are at the beggining of questioning everything, there are no shortcuts.

There really are no quick fixes, but really do not put pressure on yourself to become happy again within a time frame, allow yourself the freedom to change choices whenever you want.
Think of yourself, your needs, your wants, your health and do not let anyone pressure you either to go or stay.

Build yourself up so you are the one making all the decisions, it is your life and someone has hurt you, you don't have to forgive or even be able to.

You are not yet in a position to know whether you are able to yet.
I admire you giving it a go though, as I admire any woman who has been through betrayal, staying or going it doesn't matter both are unbelievably fucking hard.

OP please don't feel you have to stay. I echo what was said above and it sounds like you are trauma bonded.
My exH originally cheated twice - I discovered both times in one go. We had a year a of counselling, he changed jobs, I changed jobs, we relocated, had another baby and started again... Within 3 years he'd done it again with many minor misdemeanours in the interim, including things most people would divorce over. I felt I decided to stay so I had to put and shut up. So for example when I found he'd asked someone out on a date or that he was sexting people, I felt I couldn't leave but god I wish I had. The damage he has done to me is unbearable but we have been separated 2 years and the kids are fine and I'm getting there. I have a boyfriend who has taught me what it feels like to truly be loved and my confidence is slowly coming back. So please, don't stay because you feel trapped, you deserve happiness and freedom x

6 months in is just the beginning.

My DH had an affair(over a year with OW speaking daily and meeting regularly) AND a casual hook up / ONS. Double whammy. I found out six years ago although the affair had taken place 3+years before I even found out, the ONS had just taken place.

He has completely changed his attitude, he is a better man now. A devoted father and a loving husband. It isn't enough. I never got past it, though it stopped hurting quite so much after 2 years. After 4 years the anger faded. 5 years I resented the the fact I had forgiven him and could barely look myself in the eye in the mirror because I am so ashamed I didn't leave and find better for myself. 6 years... I needed validation from another source and have been having an emotional affair of my own (likely to turn physical). I expect our marriage will fail. I tried to get over the affair but I haven't because I just can't love or respect the man he is to me now in the same way. He couldn't have done anything better to help me heal, it just changed me and us beyond repair.