Surviving my husbands affair

[SweeterThanSugar]

Can someone help? I'm going insane. We are 6 months out since last contact between the two of them (that I know of) I am struggling with everything, the relationship, the kids, my self image, my will to live. I just need kind words or helpful advice. We've been together for 20 years and I don't intend on leaving unless something else happens. I also can not see me struggling less if I left.

I'm miserable and I feel worthless.

@SweeterThanSugar I just want to stay, staying and being happy is entirely possible, I am, my family are thriving, we are a team.

It’s your story. No one else’s.

@SweeterThanSugar I reconciled with my husband after his affair. It’s a long, hard process, worth it if your relationship is worth saving. The whole thing hinges on his attitude, his taking full responsibility for what he did and not blaming you or the marriage for any of it. He should be prepared to step up, prioritise you and your feelings and swallow his ego and his own feelings whilst you heal. His mess, he can sort it out.

You are in the very early stages of recovery and you don’t have to decide anything yet, whatever you decide to do, you can always change your mind. Just don’t make any fear based decisions. Stay because you love him, he’s showing you it’s safe to try, and because you want to. If the only reasons you want to stay are fear of anything, e.g being alone, just coping, financial worries, then don’t stay, that’s no way to live.

It’s a huge ugly rollercoaster at the beginning, make yourself a priority (as he should also be doing) and take baby steps. 6 months is nothing, sadly, on the road to feeling any better.

You might feel worthless but you are most definitely not. Let that sink in: you are not worthless.

This did not happen because of you, it happened because of something broken in him. You are not worthless, what you are is hurt, shocked and bewildered that the man you love and who professes to love you could do such a terrible thing to you. Do not turn this inwards and wonder what you could have done to stop this, or wonder what is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you and nothing you could have done to stop it. It was his choice to do this in response to whatever was bothering him, he could have taken a range of other options available to deal with it but he chose to do that instead. You didn’t cause it or force him to do it. He chose to do it and you can’t stop somebody doing something they want to do when they go to any lengths to hide it from you. Take care of yourself, this is horrendous, I know.
PM me any time you like. I have the bloody T shirt, trust me. X

Sorry for your situation @BustaVella but how brave and kind of you to offer this advice. It must surely be better to leave than to stay. At least then the betrayed partner has a chance of happiness free from doubt?

@Hopeisnotastrategy thank you

@BustaVella I don't trust anyone anymore. And that was pre affair. The doubt would be worse for me with a new partner given that I wouldn't be able to read their behaviour effectively.

Never too late @BustaVella

This is destroying you. And will carry on doing so.

Like a PP said this is your new forever. This won't ever go. Trust and respect is gone, and may never come back.

Honestly, don't put yourself through it.

@SweeterThanSugar

You say you can't see yourself trusting anyone and I totally get that. What I find inspiring about your posts is that you make the point that you didn't deserve what happened to you. No, you didn't deserve it. He will also know that.

I have been where you are. I am now nearly 2 years down the line. My husband and I are still together. I feel we are healing. I feel much better than I did at 6 months. Responses on here will be biased to those that chose to leave. Only you can work our over time what is right for you. It’s a truly horrible position to be in and the character defects and shame are his not yours. But a marriage ending is not an inevitability for everyone and if he does the work and you can find a way through, you may well find you feel a lot better with time. I no longer feel crushed by what happened with my husband, and certainly it does not affect me much day to day any more. I wish he hadn’t done what he did of course but it does not define our marriage or how I feel about him.
Best of luck, take your time and individual counseling to decide what’s right for you, be that leaving or staying.

I was with my exh for 20 years too. We broke up. It was better for me that way, but I didn't need help with the children, and breaking up was no bed of roses, either. It means I'm in a harder situation re housing/finances/old age. It's hard to go past my old home.

At first I couldn't look at my exh or speak about what had happened. Totally unable to sleep, on ADs, therapy, etc. These days we hardly see each other as the children are adults. But when we do, we are friendly. I rarely think about him at all. Personally I was a lot better after about 2 years. Eight years on there's the odd moment but that's it really.

One thing that has surprised me is that I have managed to regain a lot of trust. I was never hugely trusting before, anyway, so it's all relative. But I thought I'd never trust a man again at all, and it's not been like that. I don't feel as if I have to check up on my partner or anything. Partly as we have an admittedly quite avoidant/careful arrangement: we've been together 5 years and have no plans to live together. His reason: he has a younger daughter 50-50 with his wife. My reason: I am still enjoying not feeling dependent on anyone and having my own free time.

Whatever path you take - stay or go - it's not a choice between lonely cat lady on one hand and a classic family setup on the other. There are lots of possibilities, and it can change over time.

It’s an utterly miserable existence isn’t it? You question absolutely everything about yourself, about him, about your life and what the future holds.. the lies that have been told..it’s a huge betrayal and incredibly difficult to overcome. Many relationships don’t survive and some do..

Mine didn’t but mainly because I couldn’t trust him and I was permanently miserable. My mental health had suffered terribly and he was still working with OW everyday. I needed to be me again, and a husband and being in that relationship didn’t define me as a person. It has been hard, for all of us, but I no longer have to worry about what he’s thinking, what he’s doing, if he’s lying to me.. it’s just me and the kids .. we’re paddling our little boat and we’re all happy! You can be too ❤️

@playingdevilsavocado thank you. I think you're right. I am healing I just have lots of rough moments which are getting less often and not as bad.

I think you don't have to do any big decision making now. But having space is likely very wise. Perhaps a holiday on your own, get some headspace, take the kids somewhere just with you. Go and buy a doughnut and sit in a cafe reading a book on your own. Enjoy things. Then re-evaluate in a few months.

You need to put yourself first and him last.
Let him deal with the kids.
Make plans for yourself. His response to this will speak volumes.
Stop making it all about him.

Oh and I know a couple who are still together after he cheated. She went out and had sex with another man, got it out of her system as it were. That seemed to help, the husband knows and accepted it as part of the deal. They seem happy together now as the are in an even level.

I have a similar situation to @ravenmum. I couldn't contemplate another relationship for the first 6 months, so focussed on counselling and surrounding myself with people who did love me, then I decided I deserved a little fun and began dating with nothing serious in mind. After some lovely dates with various people, I met my partner. Due to both of our circumstances, living together is not really an option and I actually love being the only adult in the house. I have a great relationship with my teen DC, I get to do what I want when I want and I see my partner when we want to.

That 'traditional' family set up that I once had is not want I want now, at this stage in my life and with my experiences. I don't want the DC having someone who isn't their dad playing a 'dad' role (they have a dad already) and my relationship is just that - mine.

So yeah, it doesn't have to be nuclear family or single forever. Unless you want to be, which is also absolutely fine!

I know this is tough now but if you are struggling and ended it today, this time next year you could be happy and have a whole new life. You don’t have to get over his betrayal. It’s ok to end the relationship because it’s now not the same

My exh cheated on me after 21 years together. I was not aware there were any problems. We still had a good sex life and he was still affectionate and loving. One of my friends told me she had seen him with OW at our favourite, very expensive restaurant he only took me to on my birthday, wedding anniversary and Valentine's day. I had taken our kids away to our caravan for half term he was supposed to join us on Friday for long weekend before coming back together. I got call from my friend on the Tuesday. There could be no mistake as he was holding her hands across the table and staring into her eyes. I was numb. I came home Wednesday morning when he would be at work, spent morning packing up his clothing and things into 7 black sacks which I put in garden. I called locksmith and told him I needed keys changing. My sister and her DH came over for me. I took a deep breath and text him come home and collect your belongings. He was shocked I was home and came straight home. I refused to open door but spoke to him on phone. He admitted affair and I knew I would not be able to have sex with him or even kiss him with passion again so could not stay with him. Every time I looked at him I wondered why. I could not bare the thought I had been having sex with him whilst he was having sex with someone else. I had to get sti test which was humiliating. The first 2 months were hell and I cried myself to sleep so many night, but after that things calmed down. My kids helped me and kept me going. It was the ultimate betrayal. I was lucky I had great family support. The hard not was we shared 3 children and youngest only 8. We shared a house and a business. When I had accounts audited I found he had been charging gifts to OW on expenses card from business account. It took a year to get over worst of court cases and get divorce through. Throughout he kept apologising and begging to come back. He even told our youngest child Mummy is stopping me being at home with you all. He became an alcoholic. I forced sale of business. 15 years later, he is now living in poverty. He works for an employer on minimum wage. He has a room in a HMO. He is single and knocking on in years. His health is not good. He can't afford to retire because he had to share his pension with me. Eldest son won't speak to him. DD has limited contact. I remarried a lovely man and I am very happy. Don't deny yourself future happiness by sticking with a cheat. His penis did not fall into her vagina by mistake. He made a conscious decision to cheat on you knowing how much hurt he would cause you. He is sorry he got caught.

Good Morning Sweeter
I do hope today is a better day.
Please remember what path you have chosen to follow and remember it is your choice what path to follow. The fact that others have chosen a different path is the one that they decided to take. Some may have decided on a similar path to you and it may not have worked for them, this could be because they are different people to you and their spouse is a different person to yours. As you know I have (so far) taken a similar one to you and it is not always an easy thing to do.
In some ways I feel that to kick our relationship into touch could well have been the easy thing to do. I am fortunate that finances and security are not an issue for me, we could have easily bought separate houses and our children are totally independent of us and have left home. Instead I took out time to try and understand why my wife had initially started her affair and also why she continued it. As I am sure you will appreciate this was an extraordinarily painful and at times totally humiliating experience. Many, many tears were shed and many hours of anger, resentment, despair and pain endured, but we are slowly getting there.
I married my wife because I loved her and despite all of the pain I still do... do I totally trust her as I once did? Of course not and I suspect never will again. This has been one of the casualties of her affair and a casualty that I truly believe she deeply regrets. As I have suffered and had to search my soul so has she. Without her being totally involved in this process I don’t believe that there would have been a future for our relationship.
As things stand and as I am today I truly believe we will get through this and I also believe our relationship will be worth the pain. I may be wrong, but for now this is the path I/we have chosen to take.
There are those that have and will continue to post telling you why they went in a different direction, this is fine, that is what they did, but you get to decide upon your own direction. You are your own person, and your relationship is YOUR relationship. It may work or it may not but you get to decide if you give it a go. Please don’t be persuaded by the nay Sayers.
All the very best
Stay safe.

Please don’t be persuaded by the nay Sayers.

Some of us "nay sayers" speak from experience. Not just what we think about the situation. As someone who's been though it yourself the tone of your post comes off a bit rude. Like "don't listen to others experiences but do listen to mine "

Of course the OP will do as they want just like you have, but when asking on a public forum for advice people are of course going to respond either of their personal experiences or what they think of the situation. No one is or has said "you MUST do it this way".

So good luck with your journey your wife is very lucky that she got her cake and ate it too. That you're a pushover enough to take her back and then write about it in that way so as to minimise others experiences and replies (may not have been intended but that's how I read it and how it comes across... You can give your experience without taking shots at others posts). The fact you say you don't trust your wife the same and never will again shows you will always be affected by her choices and yours chosing to let her get away with it and love with the pain while she gets off with zero long term repercussions. Which is the same experience many have said and why some of those people, including myself, advise to leave for a chance of b happiness rather than living with the pain silently enduring the relationship they decided to continue.

I'll check out of the thread now and request removal of my other posts.....

You sound too busy to start healing properly. Your DH doesn't sound like he's helping much and is taking meds and falling asleep!? Have I got that right? Get him to agree some time in the week (every week,) when you can spend some time alone, run, think, go out with friends/family to talk this through. Sounds like you need it and he should be doing everything possible to help. Saying he's sorry and depressed takes no effort and is of little use to you in this situation.