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Original poster

Dilemma re SIL and BIL. WWYD?

62 replies

Hamsterfan · 07/02/2022 17:02

I am an only child. My husband has an older brother who is married with two primary aged kids. We live around an eight hour trip apart and my elderly FIL lives closer to us. My SIL can be difficult to get along with and is self centred. I have discovered that they are on a uk holiday closer to us but clearly have no intention of visiting. Should i tell my husband or should i keep quiet. All of this feels like part of a plan to distance kids/BIL from his family. Should i let my husband know or keep schtum?

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 07/02/2022 17:07

It depends how your DH would react. I know I would tell my DH something like that as we are very open in our relationship about what we share and he would be upset if he found out I knew something and didn't tell him. However it probably makes no difference really. If they don't plan to visit then that is up to them. You don't know if SIL is keeping BIL at bay. Maybe he has reasons for not wanting to visit.

Svalberg · 07/02/2022 17:13

They're on holiday. I know that every family is different but I wouldn't be spending my holiday visiting family, unless the holiday was specifically arranged so that I could visit family!

Crepusculum · 07/02/2022 17:14

What would you expect your husband to do with the information?

After many years of getting involved with DH's family dynamics I've learnt to completely drop the rope, so in my situation I wouldn't even mention it as nothing positive would come out of it.

Walkingalot · 07/02/2022 17:18

I'd mention it in passing, why not. Unless they are right around the corner, I don't think it's odd that they aren't visiting, their holiday, their schedule etc.

username48582 · 07/02/2022 17:32

How close are they?

Original poster
Hamsterfan · 07/02/2022 17:38

It just doesnt sit right that they wouldnt even mention having been away. Thata just a normal thing to mention in the course of a phone call surely? Its part of a bigger pattern of SIL wanting all of BILs attention/time he is now concealing things from his birth family, as i know when MIL last spoke to him he said they had a quiet time ahead. I am very conflicted about whether more harm than good would come from saying anything hence posting to try and clarify my thoughts

OP posts:
roastingmichael · 07/02/2022 17:48

I think I'd just drop into conversation 'oh btw, heard Kim and Kanye are on holiday in ...'
No biggie.

How close are they to where you live? I don't always visit people just because I'm nearby.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 07/02/2022 17:51

I wouldn’t bother.
I have a sister who does this regularly. It’s hurtful. I previously asked her if she was annoyed with us etc which she always replied she was ‘busy’. Nowadays I don’t say anything because it won’t change anything.

Original poster
Hamsterfan · 07/02/2022 17:52

They are around two hours away, so not on the doorstep but a hell of a lot closer than usual. Why not offer an invitation to pop over and join up with them for one day at the weekend?! Just don’t understand the thinking behind it at all

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 07/02/2022 17:54

2 hours away is hardly round the corner. I'm not sure why you would have expected them to visit really?

cansu · 07/02/2022 17:56

You are being ridiculous and are actually looking for trouble. They are on a holiday two hours away from you. Why on earth you want an invitation to see them while on holiday is beyond me as you obviously dislike your sil. This is how families fall out. Leave it alone.

gobbynorthernbird · 07/02/2022 18:03

If your husband's brother wanted more contact, he'd get in touch. This is an issue between the brothers.

Babadook76 · 07/02/2022 18:04

How is a four hour round trip ‘close’? I was twenty minutes from my mother, sister and extended family last year, l didn’t visit them because I was on holiday with my own family. I didn’t mention where I was because I knew they’d insist on visiting and I didn’t want to see them

BlackLambAndGreyFalcon · 07/02/2022 18:04

This could very easily be me. We live 4 hours away from MIL. SIL (MIL's DD) and BIL live 5 minutes away from MIL. We're on holiday next week 3 hours away (in the other direction). No, we're not visiting MIL. We're only away for 3 days and we will be spending our time on holiday activities! However SIL and BIL do fairly often come to our city to meet up with their friends and we don't see them when they visit - no hard feelings either way!

Aprilx · 07/02/2022 18:06

I honestly cannot even understand what you perceive as the issue here. It feels like a plan to distance BIL from his family? What? You are making zero, absolutely zero, sense. Find something else to do.

roastingmichael · 07/02/2022 18:08

@Hamsterfan

They are around two hours away, so not on the doorstep but a hell of a lot closer than usual. Why not offer an invitation to pop over and join up with them for one day at the weekend?! Just don’t understand the thinking behind it at all
Nah, that's not in any way nearby.

Look, just because they're related it doesn't mean they get on or like each other. I was 90 mins away from one of my closest friends recently and we didn't meet up because I was busy. And she's someone I am close to.

Aderyn21 · 07/02/2022 18:09

I think probably say nothing - they aren't your family to sort out. Better to leave it to dh to deal with his own family relationships. Are you worried they are going to opt out of family altogether and leave your dh with all the responsibility of an elderly dad? Because you don't be able to make bil take on more that he's willing to do, either way

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/02/2022 18:11

I would say absolutely nothing.
Presumably your BIL is on the holiday too???
Is he quadriplegic? If not, he can text his own brother and say “I’m in the area”

You sound totally over invested in this and desperate for your SIL to be the villain

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/02/2022 18:12

Also 2 hours each way / r hour round trip is not convenient or near

layladomino · 07/02/2022 18:13

I wouldn't expect to visit family as part of a holiday, unless we'd arranged the holiday specifically for that purpose. And 2 hours isn't close. There may be other issues at play from what you've said, but this issue alone is, I think, a non-issue.

I would mention to DH that you see they're on holiday but not in a way that suggests it's an issue.

booplefloof · 07/02/2022 18:16

Nope. Leave them alone and stay out of it.

I live a distance from family and rarely tell people when I am even in the region as people start wanting to see us 'just for a cuppa'.

Before we know it, the holiday is hi jacked, or people are not speaking to us.

It's their holiday.

Doesn't sound like you are that close anyway?

Keep the visits for another time.

PurpleDaisies · 07/02/2022 18:17

You are being ridiculous to expect them to let you know they’re holidaying two hours away. They have done nothing wrong.

ApolloandDaphne · 07/02/2022 18:17

Blimey 2 hours away is not close at all. It probably never crossed their minds to come and visit.

Crunched · 07/02/2022 18:24

I think what you are saying here is the issue that BIL is not visiting elderly FIL (his Father) rather than you and your family?
It does sound selfish, unless there is a back story, but to blame SIL? BIL is an adult, he has to live with his own decisions.

Crunched · 07/02/2022 18:26

(I would tell my DH, it would be a relevant thing for us to talk about family comings and goings, no biggy)