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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dilemma re SIL and BIL. WWYD?

62 replies

Hamsterfan · 07/02/2022 17:02

I am an only child. My husband has an older brother who is married with two primary aged kids. We live around an eight hour trip apart and my elderly FIL lives closer to us. My SIL can be difficult to get along with and is self centred. I have discovered that they are on a uk holiday closer to us but clearly have no intention of visiting. Should i tell my husband or should i keep quiet. All of this feels like part of a plan to distance kids/BIL from his family. Should i let my husband know or keep schtum?

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 07/02/2022 18:30

2 hours is probably 100 miles away! That's hardly on your doorstep, is it? Shock You're very U if you expect them to just pop in.

WonderfulYou · 07/02/2022 19:15

I'd mention it as I wouldn’t want to keep things from my partner but they’re 2 hours away so should understand that they wouldn’t plan on visiting anyway.

Honestly if they can’t even go on a little holiday without their family gossiping about them and acting like they’re doing something wrong then I understand why they didn’t tell anyone.

ThePoint678 · 07/02/2022 19:19

Just leave them to have their holiday in peace. You’re looking for drama.

Devilmakes3 · 07/02/2022 19:33

Is this typical of the slights from your SIL that you take offence from?

ShowMeTheSugar · 07/02/2022 19:42

I couldn't take this personally. Two hours away is still a decent length of time to travel. Perhaps they have picked up on your feelings about your SIL and just want to enjoy their holiday without spending time with someone they are disliked by?

RedRobin100 · 07/02/2022 19:49

2 hours is not half close enough to be worth mentioning, no

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 07/02/2022 20:26

i know when MIL last spoke to him he said they had a quiet time ahead. I am very conflicted about whether more harm than good would come from saying anything hence posting to try and clarify my thoughts

Well then, your BIL very clearly had an opportunity to mention the holiday his immediate family would be taking a 2hr distance from you all and choose not to do so.

Either your BIL is perfectly happy with you not knowing about the holiday, or he is controlled by his wife in which case the problem is much bigger than the holiday. Either way, what good would mentioning it do?

2hrs is still a very long way. I wouldn't expect anyone to tell me they were holidaying 2hrs away from me. You seem to be reading an awful lot of things into this.

Motherland101 · 07/02/2022 23:17

No OP, sorry. YABU.
They are on holiday. Whatever may be going on regarding family and distancing etc, they should not be choosing their holidays based on how far away they are from you and how far is justifiable to not warrant a meet up. And just because something seems weird to you (ie not suggesting a meet up) doesn't necessarily mean it is weird. Couple of hours drive is still quite a distances within the country.

username48582 · 08/02/2022 16:42

Agree with others 2 hours is not close. But also don't like the fact it's women who get the blame. It's BIL family not hers so he can arrange visits.

SeasonFinale · 08/02/2022 17:03

They are on holiday.

They aren't even that close.

You clearly don't like her. Why would she invite you on her holiday?

SeasonFinale · 08/02/2022 17:04

Maybe to BIL a quiet time ahead is that - taking time out on holiday quietly without interference from others

Holly60 · 08/02/2022 17:10

I thought you were going to say 15 minutes down the road. 2 hours is not a pop over for coffee distance- it would mean inviting you for the entire day and that’s one whole day of their holiday ( out of say, 7?)

I think they are reasonable not to want to meet up if they are having a family holiday.

Why don’t you plan a little holiday near them instead and take MIL and FIL?

Original poster
Hamsterfan · 21/04/2022 11:03

Bit of an update. Dynamics are definitely weird. I decided to say nothing previously.
BIL and kids visited over Easter holidays on the way back to their home after another break relatively close. It was all last minute they arrived in a mobile home they hadn’t mentioned buying. One of the kids told me when chatting that they were worried about making friends in his new school. They have accepted an offer on their house and are relocating to a new part of the country. How can you not mention these things in regular phone/video calls 🤷‍♀️ Really weird.

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 21/04/2022 11:17

Hamsterfan · 07/02/2022 17:52

They are around two hours away, so not on the doorstep but a hell of a lot closer than usual. Why not offer an invitation to pop over and join up with them for one day at the weekend?! Just don’t understand the thinking behind it at all

You are being ridiculous. They are nowhere near you at all. Why should they come to visit you every time they're so much as an inch closer to you than normal?

They probably have plans for their holiday which don't include a 4 hour round trip plus awkward small talk with family (as you clearly don't think very much of them!)

Herejustforthisone · 21/04/2022 11:21

I’m not sure that two hours away is close enough to expect them to mention it or visit.

It sounds like the odd dynamics in your H’s family are clouding your feelings.

emmakenny · 21/04/2022 12:29

So glad you aren't my SIL.

Softleftpowerstance · 21/04/2022 12:36

You’re being ridiculous. Things like holidays and mobile homes do not need to be run past the “birth family”. I’m sure they would have mentioned moving and if they didn’t so what, why are you trying to impose a dynamic on them? You do understand every family can operate differently?

GeminiTwin · 21/04/2022 12:42

Why would they mention a mobile home they've bought Confused

And they don't need to run a house move by anybody. Maybe they didn't want to tell you because they know you're interfering and feel weird about them not popping in on their OWN holiday 2 hours away!

You're overly invested in nothing. Your SIL doesn't sound like she has weird dynamics. I think it's the other way round.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/04/2022 12:43

What are you hoping to achieve OP? If your OH and his brother aren't good at keeping in touch there isn't much you can do to change it.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/04/2022 12:46

I would definitely tell my DH

SkankingWombat · 21/04/2022 12:49

It's unusual not to mention relocating, but I get the feeling overall you are the difficult one in the family so perhaps they have their reason for maintaining a distance with you. You are very over-involved and your expectations are unrealistic.
As others have said, a distance that takes a 4hr round trip is most definitely not anywhere near 'close' and it wouldn't occur to me to visit either in the circumstances (especially when one of the people I'd be putting myself out for clearly held such distain for me!). Nor would I expect family to do it.
You need to take a huge step back.

Rrrunrunrunrunrun · 21/04/2022 12:51

Hmm I’m not sure. We used to visit DH’s home town from time to time and didn’t always let his family know. Sometimes we did. They have visited us twice in the last 2 years so I don’t see why we should visit them every time we are down there when we are on holiday/ also want to see friends. We have 2 toddlers and they have teenagers.

RubiesandRose · 21/04/2022 12:53

It's only a drama, if you make it into one. It's a complete non event to my mind, they are on holiday a four hour round trip from you, so what? Their holiday, their time, their business.

Shannith · 21/04/2022 12:59

Yes I have to agree. You sound like the drama in this scenario. Perhaps the reason they are distant is because you are dare I say it nosy, interfering, overbearing, see slights where there are none and are not someone they want to visit.

You seem to be projecting onto your SIL faults, that if you take a look at yourself, are actually yours.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/04/2022 13:03

They are around two hours away, so not on the doorstep but a hell of a lot closer than usual. Why not offer an invitation to pop over and join up with them for one day at the weekend?

Because they are on holiday and don't want to be hosting people.

You really need to learn to understand other's boundaries. I don't think you should trust yourself about all the other stuff you feel they are doing wrong because you have terrible judgement about appropriate expectations.