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Original poster

Dilemma re SIL and BIL. WWYD?

62 replies

Hamsterfan · 07/02/2022 17:02

I am an only child. My husband has an older brother who is married with two primary aged kids. We live around an eight hour trip apart and my elderly FIL lives closer to us. My SIL can be difficult to get along with and is self centred. I have discovered that they are on a uk holiday closer to us but clearly have no intention of visiting. Should i tell my husband or should i keep quiet. All of this feels like part of a plan to distance kids/BIL from his family. Should i let my husband know or keep schtum?

OP posts:
NewandNotImproved · 21/04/2022 13:21

Not a dilemma at all, and not at all 'really weird' for them to not call you and inform you of their day to day life updates. Are you unaware of how you're coming across?

Bretonbear · 21/04/2022 13:31

I think you are way too invested in someone's life who isn't invested in yours.

Gotmynewshoes · 21/04/2022 13:43

So they made the effort to come and see you and you are still having a moan about them? Because they bought a motor home without telling you, and told you in person that they are moving? When your H talks to BIL on the phone does he actually ask how things are going or do they just have superficial chats?

greenlynx · 21/04/2022 13:45

I don’t think all of it is so surprising as family got different dynamics.
Holiday: My mum likes to comment negatively so I prefer to tell her about my events after. My sister can’t keep something secret from our mum so I don’t tell her now until after either. And 2 hours is not so close and they might wanted to visit particular places so not much time to wander.
Relocation: they probably not sure how things will go and don’t want to know your opinion about their plans. My family adores commenting (see above) but in reality my plans are nothing to do with them. I’m quite sensitive to these comments so prefer to tell them when everything has finished.
2 extra things: all families are different and families without children can’t (mostly) understand life and priorities of families with children. I’m thinking about myself before DD - I was so clueless and insensitive sometimes.

Original poster
Hamsterfan · 21/04/2022 13:53

Yes my husband and his brother talk regularly you might think that “how has your week been?” Might be answered by “exciting we bought a motor home” rather than it not being mentioned at all. There is of course lots more to this that could be recognisable so hasn’t been included. It is mainly for my elderly FIL that I am concerned his son seems to have no regard for him at all at the moment.

OP posts:
emmakenny · 21/04/2022 13:54

@Hamsterfan

Yes my husband and his brother talk regularly you might think that “how has your week been?” Might be answered by “exciting we bought a motor home” rather than it not being mentioned at all. There is of course lots more to this that could be recognisable so hasn’t been included. It is mainly for my elderly FIL that I am concerned his son seems to have no regard for him at all at the moment.
He's not your dad. It's between the brothers. Stay out of it.
donquixotedelamancha · 21/04/2022 13:54

How can you not mention these things in regular phone/video calls

Perhaps the other person they are speaking to made everything about them so they stopped volunteering information?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 21/04/2022 14:33

If they're still two hours away from you so not close at all then I think that, realistically, the only thing you'd be doing by mentioning it would be shit-stirring. Leave it be.

purplecorkheart · 21/04/2022 14:46

I think that your expectations are a bit unrealistic and quite frankly a bit overbearing;
As others said two hours away is not nearby and I know many people who are on holidays don't want to tie themselves to meeting up with people etc
Your bil relationship with his family isn't any of your business really. Not everyone is close to their families. Your bil's relationship with his family does not have to be the same as your dh's.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 21/04/2022 15:14

From my experience
Bil is likely perfectly happy with the state of affairs and does not see himself as being alienated
Bil could perfectly well come visit if he wanted to.
Your dh is unlikely to be as bothered as you are about it.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/04/2022 15:30

There's no reason to take the responsibility of your FIL and BILs relationship on your own shoulders, you may mean well but it's unlikely anyone will thank you for doing this. It's more likely it will come across as interfering.

SkankingWombat · 21/04/2022 16:56

@Hamsterfan

Yes my husband and his brother talk regularly you might think that “how has your week been?” Might be answered by “exciting we bought a motor home” rather than it not being mentioned at all. There is of course lots more to this that could be recognisable so hasn’t been included. It is mainly for my elderly FIL that I am concerned his son seems to have no regard for him at all at the moment.
Not necessarily. Some people would prefer to keep quiet so they can enjoy the 'SURPRISE!' reaction when they pull up in it unannounced. I agree with others that it isn't your place to police the relationship between your BIL and FIL.
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