Husbands gender disappointment- my fault

[Flower1519]

Sorry for the long post! We recently welcomed our second daughter, I’m over the moon, after a traumatic birth with my first and a rubbish pregnancy this time, I had a great birth and my post natal recovery has really shocked me compared to how bad last time was.

On reflection I think I may have been unwell with my mental health during pregnancy or possibly since my last baby 2 years earlier because as soon as baby was born I felt a huge weight lifted and a fog cleared from
My head.

Only thing is now I can see how much of a nightmare I was when I was pregnant and I feel awful. The biggest thing is that I had this romantic Idea about not finding out the sex, but then became completely convinced it was a boy (symptoms, how I carried, sonographer said he, baby measuring off the chart at growth scan when my last was 50th percentile) now my husband is a chilled out go with the flow type of person, only ever expressed a wish for a healthy baby but in my own inconsiderate and crazy lady way, I had convinced him also that it was a boy. Unbeknownst to me he was desperate for a son and it’s now quite clear he had built a picture of what that would look like, especially because he has such a close relationship with his own dad.

I feel really awful because it’s all my fault, he loves the baby but he keeps saying things like ‘they won’t want anything to do with me when they are teenagers’ etc. I really wish we had found out or I had thought about what I was saying.

Do I just give him time? Talk about it? Leave him alone about it? Has anyones partner felt similar gender disappointment? I would love another baby but I’m 36 this year and already have a 2 year old and newborn so not sure it’s likely, not to mention my husband is not on board at all.

My exH was disappointed that our first two were boys. When our daughter was born it was very obvious that he favoured her. Both my boys knew it then and know it now and it has caused issues, for her and them.

If he needs to talk to someone to work through his 'disappointment' then tell him to do so because I'm telling you now that if your girls get whiff of that disappointment it can and will be incredibly damaging.

To add, my exH's mother made it very clear how disappointed she was that he wasn't a girl and he is utterly emotionally stunted as a result.

Why is your husband's unreasonable behaviour your fault?

You need to have one short, sharp conversation with him about it to draw a line, let him know you've noticed it and to put him on notice to fix it, whatever that looks like. But this needs fixed, by him. I've no patience for gender disappointment at all, it's self-indulgent BS at best and total sexism at worst.

This is by no stretch of the imagination 'your fault'. His sperm determines the sex, and his emotions about having two daughters are his to come to terms with. Suggest he talks to a therapist if it continues to be an issue. Oh, and tell him that teenagers of either sex won't want anything to do with him, but will rediscover him as a human being as adults.

Daddy's girls are definitely a thing. I'd much rather spend time with my dad rather than my mother even now, and certainly did as a child.

Don't put them in the "girl" box, lots of love, lots of communication, lots of fun and exposure to zillions if different experiences regardless of gender.

I have three boys and my husband still can't believe none of the three of them are even vaguely interested in football, rugby or anything he's interested in. He takes it in good humour but is still at times a bit incredulous. You never know what wee people you're bringing into the world. 😄

You do know it's his 'fault' you had a girl? The sperm determines the sex.

wow, not sure but perhaps if there was any chance at all your dp was going to favour a boy then perhaps its best they are both daughters

It was repeatedly expressed to me as a child that only boys were required or wanted :(

It’s very damaging, to say the least.

Your husband is being a selfish unreasonable twat;your eggs only carry the X chromosome and his sperm both the X and Y chromosome.

He's responsible for the biology of you having two girls.

He needs to grow up.

@CandyLeBonBon

My exH was disappointed that our first two were boys. When our daughter was born it was very obvious that he favoured her. Both my boys knew it then and know it now and it has caused issues, for her and them.

If he needs to talk to someone to work through his 'disappointment' then tell him to do so because I'm telling you now that if your girls get whiff of that disappointment it can and will be incredibly damaging.

Wow! I just read this after I posted and you're so right!!

My mother still says that she was certain that I was a boy. She made a deal with my dad that she'd get to name a boy and he'd name a girl - she was so certain that I was going to be a boy.

When I was a girl she was shocked and started suggesting girls names. My dad told her that she said that he could name me and he held her to it, I don't think she ever forgave me!

DH was gutted when he found out we were having a boy. He only ever wanted just one daughter, and he even burst into tears when we found out the sex to the point where the sonographer told him to pull himself together. 2 years later you’d never believe he behaved like that - he and DS are as close as thieves. And if I wasn’t breastfeeding DS would have pushed me out ages ago lol. So just give it time.

Bloody hell @Mo1911 that's almost identical the the story my exH told me about his mother. She was so convinced he was a girl she let his dad choose his name - which she hated - because she was so sure she'd never have to name him that!

When he was born (these were the days of two week hospital confinements) he was used as the maternity ward 'demo baby' to show new mums how to bath/feed/nappy change etc because she refused to have much to do with him because she was so disappointed he was a boy. She gleefully told me this story herself when I had not long started seeing my exH without a clue as to how utterly damaging it must have been to have to hear that story over and over again.

Gender disappointment is very common and something a lot of us work through.

It's not your fault, part of being team green is playing the 'is it a boy or girl' game. I didn't know for either of mine and was really hoping for boys both times. I was disappointed that DC2 was a girl not a boy, but as soon as I saw her I adored her.

It took a while for the image of my 2 boys to go but it did go and now I'm so pleased I have the DC I do.

Your husband isn't some monster for having envisioned a boy. He's human. It will pass.

Stop the dramatics, op thinks it's her fault because she convinced him it was a boy and he constructed this dream in his head. He's allowed be disappointed that the dream baby doesn't exist. In reality even if it was a boy the dream baby would still be that- a dream. He's probably feeling a bit insecure and worried he'll be left out. He'll get over it. Also he probably doesn't think it's your fault at all and if you said it to him he might set you straight. (Unless he really is an asshole)

I adored my Dad and find my mum quite irritating - now, when I was ten, and especially when I was a teen. He can be close to his daughters if he wants to be. My son is way closer to me than he is to DH. Tell him this, and point out examples of women you know who are close to their dads. Then let it go.

Is your DH Henry VIII, & is your name Anne Boleyn?
If not, don't worry.

I feel really awful because it’s all my fault
How so?
You had no more idea that DH as to the sex, & as he was 'too laid back' to find out & chose to play along with your hunch instead of owning his desire for a boy this time, he's just as ... well I can't say 'to blame' because there IS no blame to attach.

he was desperate for a son and it’s now quite clear he had built a picture of what that would look like, especially because he has such a close relationship with his own dad
I'm sorry DH is being a twat.
It's not your fault his sexism goes so deep that he doesn't know how to form a close relationship with a daughter.

It's not your fault for getting his hopes up OP. He knows as well as you do that it was always 50/50. He will be less disappointed and love his little girl in his own time.

So many people missing the point that OP doesn’t feel it’s her fault baby is a girl, she feels it’s her fault for unintentionally enforcing her husband’s 9-month daydream of a boy during pregnancy.

OP, it’s not your fault. I understand why you think it might be, but you both agreed to find out at birth and he should have known it was still a 50/50 chance despite your gut feeling. I suspect he would have been just as disappointed if you’d found out at a scan rather than birth and it’s just coming out now. At this point I wouldn’t be shutting down his feelings, rather talking through it and explaining what PP have said about sex not determining how close a child will be to either parent or which pastimes they choose. Obviously you don’t want it going on to the point where your daughter is aware of his feelings but I suspect he’ll probably get over it on his own long before then. This thread has shown that some people sadly don’t, but I think the vast majority do.

He allowed himself to be convinced - he must have enough brain surely to know there is no way you can be sure without a scan, it is all just guesswork and hunches otherwise, which are largely old wives tales. (I'm not criticising you - when you are pregnant you get all sorts of convictions I was so convinced my first was going to be a girl I hadn't even considered any boys names - of course it was a boy !)

I grew up knowing that I was a disappointing 3rd girl. My mother let me know what my name would have been if I was a boy, told me she got telegrams saying things like 'so sorry its another girl' and 'you must be so disappointed' when I was born. My dad was perfectly happy with his girls - and we couldn't be more different in personality. But I'm in my sixties now and have never shaken the feeling that I was very much a disappointment to my mother that she had to tolerate. It's makes me sad.

Your DH needs to find ways to get over it, girls are completely fabulous in every way - I have a grown up DD and she is a delight, funny kind loving, as is her brother. If his girls don't want to speak to him when they are teenagers then he'll need to ask himself why.
Congratulations by the way on your beautiful wonderful new daughter - I am sure she and her sister will bring huge joy to your life.

I feel really awful because it’s all my fault, he loves the baby but he keeps saying things like ‘they won’t want anything to do with me when they are teenagers’ etc.

There's absolutely no reason why that should be the case, particularly if he's a hands-on father through their childhood. DH has a great relationship with DD, and that's because he has always made quite an effort to do things with her on her own to balance out the amount of time he spends doing things with her brother because he and DH share the same interests.

I was a bit disappointed that DS was a boy. Don't think I've ever said that outloud or written it down before. He is 5 now and the greatest little human on the planet, but when I was pregnant in my heart I wanted a little girl. I still feel a pang of jealousy when one of my friends or family has a little girl. I don't know why, perhaps because my DB is a nightmare, has a terrible relationship with my mum, wants nothing to do with her (or me) most of the time, whereas I have a wonderful relationship with my mum, we are very close.
I think we get these ideas in our heads before baby comes about what it's going to be like but the reality is often very different.

DS and I are so, so close and in all fairness, DH is super close to his mum whereas his sister is quite distant too. We can't predict how these things will go, but I can see where your husbands 'FOMO' has come from. No one wants to be the odd one out in their own family unit.
He just needs time to readjust what he thought was happening.

I think this will pass - he is allowed to be sad that the image he had built up of himself with a son isn't going to happen. That doesn't automatically mean he is disappointed in having another daughter, in his head these could be separate feelings.

I have known people who have openly said for their second that they wanted simultaneously to have two siblings the same sex (as they'd be closer) and to have one of each. The finality of not having something can be hard to deal with, even if you know (logically) you can only have one of these things.

I would encourage him to talk through not having a son, but I would clamp down on any talk about your DDs. So he can say that he's sad not to have the father-son bond he has with his dad, but he gets pulled up if he says they'll want nothing to do with him as teens as there's no reason to think that.

It’s not your fault, even if you were convinced you were going to have a boy!

We didn’t find out the sex but we would say ‘he’ more than ‘she’. I had a dream that the baby was a boy. Baby was measuring big on everything. The midwives kept saying they thought the baby was a boy and I reasoned they’d seen hundreds of births so must have a bit of a sixth sense. When the midwife said the baby was a girl, my first thought was “how the hell have they managed to give me the wrong baby already?” Given it was me, DH and the midwife and she literally picked the baby from between my legs and announced it was a girl, I’m not sure where I thought this extra baby had come from. Sometimes we just get attached to the wrong idea!

They will want something to do with him when teenagers. I think most are complete daddy’s girls and this was the strongest when they were teens.

What an awful reaction from your husband: he sounds too immature for the job of being a parent - there’s an awful lot of giving, forgiving, compromising and adapting in being a good parent - it’s all about "them” imho, the children, not you, the parent. Firstly there is a genetic roll of the dice that means that one day you will start to realise your kids share sobre if your traits. Secondly, one day you’ll realise that what you do as a parent, your parenting, will also have some bearing on the people they become - their interests, attitudes, values, etc and thirdly there is a something magical and inexplicable in your kids that makes them different to anything you might have imagined they would be. All some questions to try and find out what kind of things he is disappointed about - or claiming he is disappointed about (maybe the truth is he’s looking for excuses now he’s realised looking after two kids takes a lot of time and energy). I had a bad relationship with my father and the one with my mother wasn’t much better tbh but I wanted girls - in a way I saw them as extra pieces my wife. I’ve always done a lot of sport and when my girls were young they started to come running with me, swimming, played tennis - these are things we did regularly together throughout their lives 2hr runs together, 2hr lane swims when there were teenagers - they are 26 and 29 now - both are still runners - they are as passionate about staying fit as I was - one is climber indoor and outdoor - had climbed on Peru and in indoor competitions and they are better musicians me - honestly - if your husband in truly “in their” lives and invests the time and involved with them out be an incredible experience and very rewarding for everyone - I don’t think my kids bring girls make any difference see all - and if I had had boys I would have done exactly the same things. I don’t think I missed out on anything and of I did I didn’t notice because I was too busy having an great time with my girls. So - get to the bottom of it - ask questions to find out exactly what he (selfishly) thinks he’s going to miss out on. You don’t know what they are going to be or what the experience is going to be like - you can have an influence - you provide opportunities to discover where their strengths, talents and interests lie and then you have to run with the reality of whatever you find out. One of my daughters brews her own beer and can drink me under the table every day of the week - the relationship we have is what we built by being together, doing things together and sharing things - she’s taken me climbing - something I’d never tried. In all I think he’s being very selfish, immature and mean.