Husbands gender disappointment- my fault

[Flower1519]

Sorry for the long post! We recently welcomed our second daughter, I’m over the moon, after a traumatic birth with my first and a rubbish pregnancy this time, I had a great birth and my post natal recovery has really shocked me compared to how bad last time was.

On reflection I think I may have been unwell with my mental health during pregnancy or possibly since my last baby 2 years earlier because as soon as baby was born I felt a huge weight lifted and a fog cleared from
My head.

Only thing is now I can see how much of a nightmare I was when I was pregnant and I feel awful. The biggest thing is that I had this romantic Idea about not finding out the sex, but then became completely convinced it was a boy (symptoms, how I carried, sonographer said he, baby measuring off the chart at growth scan when my last was 50th percentile) now my husband is a chilled out go with the flow type of person, only ever expressed a wish for a healthy baby but in my own inconsiderate and crazy lady way, I had convinced him also that it was a boy. Unbeknownst to me he was desperate for a son and it’s now quite clear he had built a picture of what that would look like, especially because he has such a close relationship with his own dad.

I feel really awful because it’s all my fault, he loves the baby but he keeps saying things like ‘they won’t want anything to do with me when they are teenagers’ etc. I really wish we had found out or I had thought about what I was saying.

Do I just give him time? Talk about it? Leave him alone about it? Has anyones partner felt similar gender disappointment? I would love another baby but I’m 36 this year and already have a 2 year old and newborn so not sure it’s likely, not to mention my husband is not on board at all.

Tbf regardless of sex when they're teenagers they won't want anything to do with either of you for a while. That's just how they are.

Firstly, it's no-ones fault and you have a beautiful, healthy little girl.

Secondly, there would be no guarantee he would get on brilliantly with a son in his teens based purely on gender. My relationship with my mum deteriorated from my teens onward and continues to do so.

If it offers him any reassurance, my DD used to happily go with her dad to footy and basketball...stopped when she was a teen but due to tricky divorce more than anything.

I absolutely adored my dad and spend far more time with him as a teen and adult than I did with my mum.

We have 3 dds.
After dd 1 and dd 2 I was very clear indeed that if we went again we had to be absolutely clear that the sex of the baby would not matter. What with it being out of our control.
I always said, if we could go and pick one off the shelf, we would have picked a boy, but that's not how it worked.
We didn't find out the sex of any of them. I would have liked to with dd3 but dh was adamant. Baby was bigger than the others etc.
After a dreadful labour, she was delivered safely. Dh was very protective of her and put anyone who said about not having a son firmly in their place. .
He came to terms with it. He was very close to his dad and has shared hobbies. I do think he sees it a bit as a missed opportunity. We said that he would have grandsons, so far we have a granddaughter!
There is nothing you can do. Leave him to get to grips with it.

This is over a month too late but if you're still reading let me give my take on it.

I have two boys. The youngest is only four months old. I was desperate for a girl, but didn't find out in case I was disappointed.

He's here now, and I'm definitely not disappointed in him or with him. I love him like crazy.

I'm just a bit sad that I'll never have a girl. That I'll never have the life I had imagined. But I wouldn't ever change my boys to have a girl.

Hopefully, your husband feels the same.

My daughter adores her father and goes to football matches and clubs ect. A bond between father and daughter can be just as strong as long as the effort is put in.

@GentlemanJayFab

There are so many poorly children in the world. I was grateful to the good lord for gracing us with a healthy one.

I've got a bone to pick with the 'good lord' then. Our third child was another son when we were both hoping for a daughter.

He's chronically ill with a lifelimiting condition.

What an absolutely fatuous comparison to make.

Just a heads up if you decide to try again. Statistically the second is likely to be the same sex as the first and the third has an even higher statistical possibility of being the same sex.

I know someone with 6 boys

My neighbours next door and across the road are families where all the kids are girls. The ones across the road are teenagers and they clearly get along with dad. I often see them in the garage or gardening with him. The girls next door are tween but they also adore their dad. They are often biking, roller blading and clearly get along their too.

I have an awful relationship with mum but have a fantastic relationship with my dd. He might be able to have the same closeness with his dd that he has with his father. Having a son doesn't mean football matches and pubs any more than having a daughter mean shopping and beauty treatments.

Your h needs to get a grip. His sperm determined the baby's sex and a daughter is a blessing

My DS tells me everything just like I used to tell my DF everything. He was my conduit to my DM and in the same way I am DS’s conduit to my DH.
DH, however, has a poor relationship with his DM, he was supposed to be a girl in her master plan and has always disappointed her. His DF died when he was 3 and from what he remembers he spent a lot of time with him. His DF was doing national service when his brother was small and has a very close relationship with his DM, I think DH was definitely daddy’s boy as DFil was always around when he was little.

My husband had an idea of life with a son too, what he didn’t realise was that our son was going to be a copy of me - a sport hater, someone who thinks all of my husband’s sporting ambition is a load of old bollocks.

Our daughter on the other hand is so much more like him. He will live all of his expectations via her!

What’s between someone’s legs makes zero difference.

Being disappointed is totally fine unless that disappointment continues or is at all noticeable by your daughters.
You should talk to him and let him work through it sooner rather than later.
We were only planning two children and when I became pregnant with my 2nd I found out the sex, purely because I knew I may need time to get over my disappointment if it was another boy. I didn't want to feel that when the baby arrived! I adore my firstborn son but always wanted a girl.

It’s natural to have a preference. He will no doubt adore your baby daughter as much as his first, it’s just the realisation he won’t have a son, acknowledge it and talk about it if need be but I’m sure he will get used to being a father to your two little girls. Congratulations by the way!

It’s really not your fault.

You’re husband needs some counselling to get over his “gender” disappointment - men and women can both get this so it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s his issue to get past and not rational. A baby of either sex can have any interests and things in common with either parent, so no need for woe on his part, but it is real, and he’ll need help with it. It’s vital he does get past it for the sake of his daughters and their self worth.

Perhaps you could also do with some separate counselling to get over your feelings of guilt.

Don’t put your body through another pregnancy if you don’t want to just to try for a boy because of your husbands feelings though. That would be bad for everyone - you, your daughters, and subsequent child whatever the sex, and even your husband.

36 is young, I had my first baby at 41.
But of course you may have another girl . I have two teenage daughters and they each have things they love doing with Dh. Sex doesn’t affect compatibility or common interests, I am sure your DH will find this out as time goes on. I was really close to my own Dad, probably closer to him than my brother was.
I have female friends with very close relationships with their sons, where they are alike and have the same sense of humour.

Oh, OP, it sounds like you've both upset yourselves over something you'll look back on and realise was nothing.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't know your baby's sex because you didn't find it out. If he put too much weight on your hunches then more fool him- you're not Mystic Meg. He needs to stop moping and start celebrating the baby you both have.

Re his feelings about having girls- he should avoid sex-based stereotypes, but I also think he's got the stereotype wrong- I think teenage girls are often very close to their dads and, if anything, it's the mum who gets the bum deal.

Every combination is lovely- girls, boys, one of each- it's all good. I get what people have said about allowing him to be sad but if he's "being sad" to the extent that you're feeling guilty (wtf?) he needs to buck up. Your new daughter's birth is wonderful, it's not a sad event, and I think he'll look back with regret on wasting the early days like this.

I realise I'm really late to this thread and I hope the whole situation feels very different now (in a positive way.)

I understand your position OP as I am pregnant currently with girl no. 4. My partner wouldn't say exactly but I could tell he was disappointed at the point of finding out each time at the scans. It was a tough pill to swallow, but now he utterly adores all 3 of them. They are so close to him it's a pleasure to see.

I have 2 friends who have one of each and in both cases the teenage years have been very stressful in terms of the DH- DS relationship. Really locking horns, not speaking for 2weeks at a time, endless arguments and battles.

As a previous poster said, I don't think any teenager is necessarily going to want to do anything with him 😄

Really hope you are feeling better now and enjoying your lovely daughters 😍.

It's not your fault, he believed all the old wives tales as well, when logically he must have known it was a 50 50 chance

I'd be questioning him on what he thinks he will 'miss out on'. Plenty of girls play and watch sport or whatever he is imagining. Plenty of boys don't, they prefer gaming or whatever. I used to spend an equal time with my mum as my dad, we used to cycle together, go watch football, play badminton, play squash, and my mum didnt always come although she enjoyed those things as well. Plenty of girls have a close emotional connection with their dads. Its complete pot luck if you have shared interests or personality traits in common, irrespective of sex or gender.

For years I imagined my first child as a little girl. And when pregnant I kept seeing my little girl. But as soon as I found out I was having a bit, it was all about the boys. And I fell in love with that little boy.

Then I had a few more of different sexes and i fell in love with each one. It is not about what is between their legs, it is about them.

I get that you might want a boy or a girl , but to be disappointed when you meet your little baby is not on.

And you can't tell by how you carry, what you eat etc. It's a guess and regardless of what you said, he can google and realise that you had a 50% chance of being wrong.

Kobe Bryant was teased by his friends for having 4 daughters...telling him it takes a real man to make a son...Kobe's
answer shows what a wonderful father and man he was...His answer to his friends?
'It takes a King to make a princess!' RIP, Kobe Bryant.

My husband had the same worries when we had 2 daughters. I can’t say what they’ll be like as teens but they’ve built their relationship by sharing things they enjoy - bike rides, karate, computer games, swimming, running… Gender doesn’t dictate what a person will be interested in.

Have a quiet conversation about feeling personally hurt but in a few months he will forget it.

I had terrible gender disappointment when I found out I was having my son, I actually cried 🙄 I had built up this idea of what my baby would like and it was a girl. Anyway I went away and did a bit of research online and there was this one quote that really resonated with me and totally changed my outlook… it said don’t mourn the child that never existed love the child you have got… or something similar. Your husband might have this idea in his head of a boy but that kid never existed, he has his children in front of him real alive and needing him. And btw I told my husband we were def having a girl this time (I’m 36weeks) and I was wrong when scanned and we never thought any more of it. How can you possibly know?

Men determine the sex of a baby depending on whether their sperm is carrying an X or Y chromosome. Google. My dad adores both me and my sister, your husband is an idiot, immature and selfish.