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Original poster

Husbands gender disappointment- my fault

74 replies

Flower1519 · 07/02/2022 13:53

Sorry for the long post! We recently welcomed our second daughter, I’m over the moon, after a traumatic birth with my first and a rubbish pregnancy this time, I had a great birth and my post natal recovery has really shocked me compared to how bad last time was.

On reflection I think I may have been unwell with my mental health during pregnancy or possibly since my last baby 2 years earlier because as soon as baby was born I felt a huge weight lifted and a fog cleared from
My head.

Only thing is now I can see how much of a nightmare I was when I was pregnant and I feel awful. The biggest thing is that I had this romantic Idea about not finding out the sex, but then became completely convinced it was a boy (symptoms, how I carried, sonographer said he, baby measuring off the chart at growth scan when my last was 50th percentile) now my husband is a chilled out go with the flow type of person, only ever expressed a wish for a healthy baby but in my own inconsiderate and crazy lady way, I had convinced him also that it was a boy. Unbeknownst to me he was desperate for a son and it’s now quite clear he had built a picture of what that would look like, especially because he has such a close relationship with his own dad.

I feel really awful because it’s all my fault, he loves the baby but he keeps saying things like ‘they won’t want anything to do with me when they are teenagers’ etc. I really wish we had found out or I had thought about what I was saying.

Do I just give him time? Talk about it? Leave him alone about it? Has anyones partner felt similar gender disappointment? I would love another baby but I’m 36 this year and already have a 2 year old and newborn so not sure it’s likely, not to mention my husband is not on board at all.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 07/02/2022 15:46

I really don't think in this day and age its a girl equals no relationship with their dad. I know lots of dads that dote on their little girls and spend the weekend ferrying them around to sports.
Conversely, my friends sporty husband had a book worm for a son and it took him a while to accept they were never going to enjoy sport together so the boy is closer to his mum as they like to cook together etc.

Babadook76 · 07/02/2022 15:47

I think his behaviours pretty disgusting. It’s fine to have a preference, but everyone knows it’s 50/50. It’s usually considered to be better to not find out the sex of the baby beforehand if there’s a chance of gender disappointment. The theory being that once you’ve got that baby in your arms it makes no odds whats between their legs. The fact that his beautiful daughter is here and he’s not only still expressing his disappointment in her sex, he’s making you feel like complete shit for birthing him a lovely little girl. I’d be putting a stop to his nonsense immediately and I definitely wouldn’t be risking having another child with him incase it’s a boy. Your daughter will clearly end up the unfavourable child, he’s already written his future relationship off with her just because she has a vagina

Mermaidwaves · 07/02/2022 15:49

I couldn't have much respect for him for this and I certainly wouldn't pander to it! You had a feeling it was a boy, but without a scan how could you have known? He's an adult so should know this too. Incidentally are boy babies bigger? My DDs and my niece were bigguns, I didnt think baby size was related to the sex.

I'm afraid I would tell him to grow up and be thankful he's got a healthy DD.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/02/2022 15:57

Unless I'm missing something, it doesn't sound like he's done or said anything to indicate that he is disappointed other than mention it to his partner. Doesn't sound like he's moping around or rejecting the baby or treating her unfairly or anything like that?
Surely he can be honest with his partner about things like this without it making him a twat?

waterlego · 07/02/2022 16:01

Agree with others that he is ‘allowed’ to feel disappointed. It’s just the way he feels and it will fade. It sounds as though his disappointment stems mostly from worrying that they won’t feel close to him, rather than the other way round.

Please reassure him that whether or not your girls will want anything to do with him when they are teens has nothing to with their sex, and everything to do with the relationship they have built with each other.

I have a DD who has been through super ‘girly’ phases and ‘tomboy’ phases at different times. Her Dad has joined in with it all. Played with teasets and dolls, had his nails painted and his face made up. But then they’ve been kayaking together, been to a football match together, ridden the biggest, fastest rollercoasters and zip lines, swum in the very chilly English Channel together on Christmas Day, watched numerous Marvel movies together. They have a bond which is just as strong as the bond DH has with our DS. It’s what you make it!

mummyh2016 · 07/02/2022 16:09

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Unless I'm missing something, it doesn't sound like he's done or said anything to indicate that he is disappointed other than mention it to his partner. Doesn't sound like he's moping around or rejecting the baby or treating her unfairly or anything like that? Surely he can be honest with his partner about things like this without it making him a twat?
This. But let's not forget it's MN where men can't win. I'm waiting for the LTB posts Hmm
Original poster
Flower1519 · 07/02/2022 16:13

Gosh, wasn’t expecting so many responses! Just to clear up, he hasn’t rejected the baby in anyway, or behaved badly he clearly loves her, the baby we have isn’t the issue, he feels sad about something he’s not going to get, the same way lots of mums dream of a little girl. Any guilt I feel isn’t at ‘giving him a girl’ it’s about my irrational behaviour, banging on about it being a boy since the 20 week scan and getting his hopes up, if I had just gone along with the 50/50 he wouldn’t feel this way but I told him not to bother with girls names etc etc

OP posts:
Bumshkawahwah · 07/02/2022 16:22

I have a boy(oldest) and a girl (youngest) and it’s my DD that wants to do all the stuff that he thought a son works want to do - going to the football/rugby with him etc etc. He has a great relationship with our son, but it’s DD that he does all the stuff with.

EarthSight · 07/02/2022 16:23

People need to stop comforting your husband on here by-proxy and focus on the fact that your husband had a very clear idea of what he wanted.

You don't get what you want as a parent - the child is born and you need to adapt and fit your expectations around them. They are not dolls.

What he's mourning here is not only a certain type of relationship, but the idea of himself immortalised through his son. If he is to have son, he needs to accept that the son could be very different to him, with very different interests.

It's great he had such a great relationship with his own father, but regarding this - 'they won’t want anything to do with me when they are teenagers’- it goes both ways. He needs to show an interest on them too and be willing to discuss or do things that might no interest him in order to develop a relationship with his child.

Change123today · 07/02/2022 16:23

I’m a 40 something daddy’s girl still! I’m one of 3 girls and two of us girls are both very close to our Dad. Even though he went onto a second marriage and had a son.

I have two girls - and we didn’t know with our second what we were having during pregnancy. The only person who mentioned it was MIL as I think she really wanted a grandson - not sure why.

Our youngest did ask her Dad once if he was sad that she was a girl and he said nope just wanted all of you to be ok! And the girls are very different! Eldest loves F1 like her Dad and they both very passionate about it, youngest loves marvel & Star Wars just like her Dad - he makes the effort to find the things to bond with them!

ivykaty44 · 07/02/2022 16:45

if I had just gone along with the 50/50 he wouldn’t feel this way

how do you know this? how do you know he wouldn't feel just the same but you just wouldn't feel guilty

Enko · 07/02/2022 16:55

My 3 girls go to daddy before me. He has a close loving bond with our son but the girls are 100% daddies girls. (And all adults now)

Ds and I have our own special bond. Of our 4 he is the one most like me and I find him incredibly easy company.

I would suggest you get your do to talk to someone about his disappointment but don't let it overshadow your feelings and don't expect it will = he will always be disappointed

GiveMeNovocain · 07/02/2022 17:06

Even if you'd asked the sex at the scan they sometimes get it wrong.
I assumed my dd would be a little bookworm like me. Instead she's a whirl wind of sporty fitness who likes talking about poop...even at 10. You don't get what you expect and the joy of discovering how to parent and connect with someone unexpectedly has been a joy. She's very close to us both at 10. I assume that won't last when she's a teen but she's confounded and challenged me at every turn so maybe I'm wrong.

As she grows and he connects any disappointment will pass...as long as he allows their relationship to develop

BiscuitLover3678 · 07/02/2022 17:07

I’m starting to wonder if your husband is the reason for you having such poor mental health.

campion · 07/02/2022 17:10

You should prioritise enjoying your lovely baby daughter rather than dealing with your dh's 'disappointment'. If he hasn't learned yet to cope with disappointment it's time he did - life's full of them. But a healthy baby girl certainly isn't on that list.

Does he really think that a boy is going to be like him and like what he likes and be close to his dad through adolescence? Believe me, he would probably be even more disappointed!

Moonface123 · 07/02/2022 17:26

Some young male teenagers go through a stage of locking horns with their Dads throughout the teenage years.
l am one of three daughters, we are all very different and all of us were much closer to our Dad as teenagers and right up until he died three years ago.

Pembertonrd · 07/02/2022 17:29

Tell your dh that my bf has three dd’s and her dh does lots of adventurous things with them.
They’re all adults now and the middle one especially goes kayaking with her dad.
Girls can be just as close to their dads as boys.

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 07/02/2022 17:59

The sperm decides the sex of the child. He needs a bit of time to adjust his expectations.

The only time my voluble DH was completely dumbstruck for an hour was when we found out at the 20wk scan that we were having another girl (we were both convinced it was a boy). As a sports lover he was worried he wouldn't be able to take his DDs to rugby matches etc! As it turns out he is closer to youngest DD than I am (they are very similar in personality) and she's followed DH into his predominantly male profession so they have plenty to talk about and she seeks his advice. He goes with both DDs, me and nephew to the rugby :)

Icantthinkofausername123 · 07/02/2022 18:21

When I was pregnant with my first I became convinced he was a girl and we actually found out the sex at the 20 week scan just in case it was a boy, which it was. I was shell shocked and had to let go of the picture I had created of what our life would be.

Obviously your baby is here now and he is probably just processing what he was anticipating vs the reality rather than it being true disappointment. He is also still bonding with the baby and not rejecting so hopefully after a couple of weeks it will all be forgotten about. Also not your fault at all that he feels this way, as an adult he’s fully capable of realising it’s a 50/50 chance of what the sex is, it was him that convinced himself it was a boy

Sittingonabench · 07/02/2022 18:38

I think a little disappointment as things not being how he’d pictured is normal and will pass but the comment of them not being close to him or wanting him is something you can put him at ease on. I was always a total “daddy’s girl” in that my affection for him was totally uncompromising and while he was neutral and not overly affectionate I knew his was for me too. Absolutely love my mother more than I can say (and wouldn’t say I loved my dad more) but it is more based on experience and logical. Can’t really explain it very well - but the closeness that can be achieved is what I’m trying to get at.

GentlemanJayFab · 07/02/2022 19:53

There are so many poorly children in the world. I was grateful to the good lord for gracing us with a healthy one.

CatOfTheLand · 07/02/2022 20:00

I think it's quite common to be disappointed- although that's probably not the right term.

I was delighted with each of my dc's sex, but still mourned the imaginary potential child that then disappeared. Eg. I would no longer be a 'mum of boyS' or have two sisters who would be dressed in hand me downs.

If it makes him feel any better, it's my girl that's a rough and tumble football loving clone of my husband whereas my boy is a gentle book-loving small me. So sex has very little to do with personalities and things you can bond over, iyswim

NightOwl6 · 11/03/2022 08:55

It’s natural for some people to feel some initial disappointment I think. Men naturally want boys more so because they feel they can relate to them more being the same sex, much the same as women often have a preference for a girl. As long as he doesn’t allow it to affect his relationship with his DD’s, I wouldn’t worry.

PourSomeLove · 11/03/2022 09:12

Gender stereotypes are really harmful. There’s no reason why teen girls can’t be close to their dad. It’s total bollocks and he’ll realise.

AgentJohnson · 11/03/2022 09:31

I’d suggest you both address the struggles of the last year with a therapist. This will give you both the opportunity to talk through things and be supported in working through them. Guilt doesn’t help anyone and keeps you stuck. Your fog has lifted and you need to celebrate that by moving forward not backwards. Book a session/s asap.

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