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Original poster

Planning first date but live 3hrs apart am I mad

63 replies

Madreheaven · 07/02/2022 10:45

Met a guy online, chats going really well and would like to meet up, but we live 3 hours apart.
If we lived closer it would be dinner and drinks on an evening and then go home but what do I do when there’s such a distance?
Meeting half way is an option…..should I just go for the afternoon? Evening? Stay? Separate rooms? Share a room?! 😬 Or just not bother at all🤦🏻‍♀️

Has anyone been in this position and can give me some advice please??

OP posts:
Penguinwaddler · 07/02/2022 10:51

I'd meet at an easy to get to halfway point. No point spending a lot of money on hotels etc when you've not met them and may not like them in person. It's not really safe to stay over anywhere with someone you've never met!!

I'd meet early afternoon for coffee and a walk, perhaps go to a gallery or something like that. then if things go well you can go for dinner and drinks (depending on if you are driving or going by public transport) then head off at a reasonable time!!

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2022 10:51

I’d find a inconvenient and well linked transport wise location between the two of you and meet late afternoon or early evening for drinks or dinner there. Don’t book a hotel, and absolutely don’t suggest it as an option to share a room! You have no idea who this man is, whether he’s anything like his profile in person or whether you’ll like and fancy him. Booking a hotel, even suggesting separate rooms, suggests you think staying late and having sex is on the cards.

Though I live in London where, time wise at least, it’s perfectly possible to live over two or close to three hours apart from somebody and it’s hardly an issue. As long as you’re each willing to make the effort to go half the distance it’s fine.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2022 10:51

A **convenient location, that should say

Original poster
Madreheaven · 07/02/2022 11:01

Sharing a room would most definitely NOT be on the cards as I know exactly how that could be construed!
I'm thinking if all goes well on an afternoon coffee date that it could turn into evening dinner and drinks which means I couldn't drive home

OP posts:
Crumbs22 · 07/02/2022 11:05

To me 3 hours is bordering on too far but maybe that's just me. I agree you should choose somewhere nice half way and meet for a late lunch/early dinner and absolutely no question of an overnight. If it goes well then there's motivation to meet again, if not you haven't gone too far and still have your evening.

Suprima · 07/02/2022 11:06

Absolutely don’t bother

What’s the point? What relationship are you going to get out of this?

Sonaftersonafterson · 07/02/2022 11:06

I wouldn't bother. Not unless one of you is planning to move any time soon. What's the point?

Chasingsquirrels · 07/02/2022 11:07

I also wouldn't bother

Greenhillfaraway · 07/02/2022 11:08

Frankly, I’d not bother at all.

I know long distance relationships can work but, if they do, one of you will have to move if you want to live together at some point. Unless you had planned on moving closer to where he is, do you want to be faced with that decision? My experience (of three 2 years+ LDR’s) is that I eventually changed my search parameters to look for someone within an hour’s drive so we could spend time together midweek because every other weekend wasn’t enough for anything meaningful to develop.

I remember how many times I developed great rapport online then met and it was such a disappointment. I decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

mug2018 · 07/02/2022 11:08

I wouldn't bother .. a relationship 3 hours away is not going to work

Lampan · 07/02/2022 11:11

Whether or not you should bother depends on what you are looking for I think. If you are looking to settle down, no I wouldn’t bother. Distance is difficult (been there done that) and removes almost all spontaneity, plus someone will have to be willing to move in future if all goes well. It’s more manageable if you just want something fairly casual and have the means and the time to travel regularly.
For the meeting itself I agree meet halfway and don’t consider staying over. You might not like him or there may be zero chemistry and then you’ll regret the waste of time/money. If things go well you will no doubt meet him again anyway, no harm in leaving him wanting more! I agree a gallery or similar is a good idea, maybe with lunch/coffee.

Lampan · 07/02/2022 11:12

Haha I see that as I wrote me post a few others weighed in with the ‘don’t bother’ opinion too!

CrimbleCrumble1 · 07/02/2022 11:12

I’d do a lunch half way between you both just in case he is amazing.

Original poster
Madreheaven · 07/02/2022 11:13

@Lampan

Whether or not you should bother depends on what you are looking for I think. If you are looking to settle down, no I wouldn’t bother. Distance is difficult (been there done that) and removes almost all spontaneity, plus someone will have to be willing to move in future if all goes well. It’s more manageable if you just want something fairly casual and have the means and the time to travel regularly. For the meeting itself I agree meet halfway and don’t consider staying over. You might not like him or there may be zero chemistry and then you’ll regret the waste of time/money. If things go well you will no doubt meet him again anyway, no harm in leaving him wanting more! I agree a gallery or similar is a good idea, maybe with lunch/coffee.
Thanks for this.....I am not looking for a serious relationship.....a half way afternoon coffee date it is
OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 07/02/2022 11:14

I would meet halfway, and drive so I couldn’t drink. All too easy to get a bit drunk and think “actually, let’s get a hotel” or “oh, trains are quicker to his than mine”.

But I would only bother if moving was on the cards for me anyway: DP and I began dating long-distance in a similar situation; but I was in his town all the time flat-hunting as the move was on the cards prior to meeting him. The long distance worked because it wasn’t a long-term factor, and I wasn’t moving for him.

RonCarlos · 07/02/2022 11:14

I personally wouldn't bother. I see my DM every few weeks 2 hours away and find the drive totally exhausting. I wouldn't choose to spend my spare time on the road.

OpheliaTrousersnake · 07/02/2022 11:16

OP, if you're not looking for a serious relationship, that's all the more reason not to bother with someone 3 hours away. You could surely meet someone a bit more local for coffee/drinks/sex, if those are the sorts of things you're looking for?

RiceRiceBaby16 · 07/02/2022 11:17

Can’t believe the amount of people saying don’t bother Grin what if he’s great?! No wonder tonnes of women complaining about their partners, you’re cutting yourself short with options! How sad that would be if you actually could have a future together...
imagine dating only people in / around your area, surely you are missing out on finding that person that could be just right for you ?

Repetitivebeats · 07/02/2022 11:17

When I met DP, he lived about 2 hours away. He travelled a lot with work (which is how we matched on Tinder) so for our first date, he was able to combine it with work he had to do locally and stayed in a hotel. For our second date, we met halfway for a day out, and from then on, he'd mostly to come to my town.
After a couple of years, he moved down here and in with me!

It worked for us due to the type of work he did - if he had a job with a fixed location we never would have met in the first place and it would have met subsequent dates harder. The fact that he had no kids was also very helpful as he had no commitments at home so could be flexible. He's also the most laid back, understanding guy you could ever meet and was genuinely un-fussed about doing most of the leg work! I did go and spend weekends at his on a regular basis but it was trickier for me with work and child commitments.

EmmaH2022 · 07/02/2022 11:20

@OpheliaTrousersnake

OP, if you're not looking for a serious relationship, that's all the more reason not to bother with someone 3 hours away. You could surely meet someone a bit more local for coffee/drinks/sex, if those are the sorts of things you're looking for?
This.

Is it a boredom thing? Is he really gorgeous? If you're planning a shag, set it up so you can do that.

Arbeity · 07/02/2022 11:23

@RiceRiceBaby16

Can’t believe the amount of people saying don’t bother Grin what if he’s great?! No wonder tonnes of women complaining about their partners, you’re cutting yourself short with options! How sad that would be if you actually could have a future together... imagine dating only people in / around your area, surely you are missing out on finding that person that could be just right for you ?
Because LDRs are hard work. And no matter how great he is, I don't want that kind of lifestyle, so it wouldn't work anyway.
ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2022 11:26

If you’re not looking for a serious relationship then I’m going to echo the “don’t bothers”. FWB / casual is meant to be about convenience for both of you / the freedom to come and go as you please, not having to arrange travel, spend hours doing it and commit ages in advance.

And men looking for FWB / casual are ten a penny, you’ll find plenty much closer to you without all the faff of this one.

Aprilx · 07/02/2022 11:31

I’m also a don’t bother. I would say don’t bother whether you were looking for serious or casual. It just sounds like making something hard when there is absolutely no reason to.

Original poster
Madreheaven · 07/02/2022 11:57

@RiceRiceBaby16

Can’t believe the amount of people saying don’t bother Grin what if he’s great?! No wonder tonnes of women complaining about their partners, you’re cutting yourself short with options! How sad that would be if you actually could have a future together... imagine dating only people in / around your area, surely you are missing out on finding that person that could be just right for you ?
There are zero decent men in my area! I live in a place where everyone knows everyone, and the only offers I get are by married/attached men😡
OP posts:
Loki64 · 07/02/2022 12:49

I met my partner online and we also live three hours apart. Our first date we met half way and went for food and a walk etc.

Its been two years and were still together and hes the love of my life.

Both in our 30s and he has a child from previous relationship. We make it work and we see each other more than some of my friends/family see their partners that live in the same area. Its been so worth it for me.