H raised his fist to me. What now ?

[RevFrancisSeaton]

We had a minor disagreement earlier, I shouldn't have but I raised my voice (he was talking over me so I felt I had no choice as he wasn't listening to me)

He then raised his fist to me and said "I'll punch you on the nose in a minute" what disturbs me most is I saw a look of anger cross his face and hate / contempt in his eyes

I told him not to ever threaten me with physical violence and then he back tracked and made out he was joking

My ex husband used to bully and threaten me and push me around, H knows this. I've always said it is a dealbreaker

I don't know what to do. I only work part time, we have 3 dc 7, 12 and 15. (The 15 yo is from my first, abusive marriage) I couldn't leave or afford the mortgage on my own . The kids adore him. We have a lovely life but he earns all the money, I've been poor in the past and couldn't go back to it. Yet I feel disgusted by what he did and I feel like I hate him right now

Sorry for the brain dump but I just wanted to get the whole situation down so I don't end up drip feeding

@ThinWomansBrain

you left your previous abusive marriage and survived - I appreciate it's hard, but you know that you did it before.

If he's previously made "jokes" about keeping the children if you split up, it doesn't sound great, even before the recent raising fist incident.

Talk to womensaid - make a getaway plan, even if you don't act on it right away.

This is what I thought. This clearly isn’t an isolated incident of him being abusive. He’s literally told you him and his mother would try and take your children away if you ever break up. I’d look into reporting the threat to the police and look into ways of getting him out of the house. Could you take in more work to help with the mortgage? You’ll get maintenance off him as well

Good for you OP! You did great in asserting yourself and holding him accountable. It is probably good that he takes some time to think before responding as reactive responses are not usually all that productive. He may also suggest that you talk about it rather than start a back and forth by text about such an important topic.

And keep the appointment with the solicitor regardless.

I forgot to mention as well his dad was an abusive cheating prick who regularly gave Hs mum a beating in front of h and his brother when they were kids

He's acting like his dad and trying to put you back in your box. Don't be fooled that he doesn't know what he's doing, he does. You have to make this a dealbreaker and stick to it OP. Don't say anything you don't mean. If him raising a hand to you again is a dealbreaker (ie the end of the relationship) then make that clear and be prepared to stick to it.

I'm also wondering if he's emotionally abusive in other ways because threats of violence rarely come out of a vacuum. I would guess that this is an escalation and your past means that you have a higher tolerance than most to abusive behaviour.

Did you do the Freedom Programme OP? I really suggest you do it in order to see if this is an escalation of behaviour.

Great message Rev, well done. Glad that some of the posts on here have helped you to formulate your thoughts. You’ve stood up for yourself and made it clear what you expect from him going forward.

I forgot to mention as well his dad was an abusive cheating prick who regularly gave Hs mum a beating in front of h and his brother when they were kids

This is very worrying re his core values & "formation".

If he went totally the other way, and didn't repeat any behaviours, maybe it would be OK.... but he's clearly threatened you in the worst way possible (other than threatening to kill you obviously) in the past; taking your kids off you.

And he apparently shouts you down and thats why you were raising your voice, then he indicated physically he was going to jot you, and same verbally (withdrawn with a frankly not believable "joking" excuse).

He sounds like and acts like an abuser, it seems clear what side the coin fell on, regardless of how attractive, dynamic, successful etc he is.

I have a feeling there's other stuff with him that's perhaps not as obvious but is insidious too.

That was a really good text, OP

Brilliant text OP, I really hope you have made him stop & think about his behaviour & you get a fulsome apology with an understanding of why he was so completely out of order

He’s grown up watching his dad behave like that and learned it himself. Don’t let your kids grow up thinking it’s normal..

Great message. Hoping that he understands the fear he caused and deeply regrets his actions.

I may be the only one who hates that message and you really don't need me to talk about why, but someone who was beaten and emotionally abused to within an inch of death I read that text as a ' I just need you to be sorry and understand.'

He doesn't give a shit. I can guarantee it.
Based on your text, he'll lie, you'll stay with him, he'll hit you eventually or carry on emotionally abusing you. As Infinitum.

You do know this.
We all do.
Sorry to be brutal.
But your only choice is a lifetime of abuse b increments or leaving and actually having a life.
Good luck!

@EmiliaAirheart Quote from Maid on Netflix?

In scaling up your business, I would ask yourself (if you haven't done so already), what kind of customer would work best for you. The average woman, or do you want more affluent customers? If it's more affluent customers, you really need to have your advertising and visuals spot on - high end usually means sleek, elegant and more minimal. Many people don't understand the message they're sending their customers through their visual branding and it can really let business down.

On the behaviour front - trust your instinct. You saw what those eyes were saying.

It does depend on the person, but the risk of being with someone from a bad background is that a) they might have inherited some nasty personality traits from the abusive parent/s and b) they might have an extremely skewed perception as to what normal is.

If you have an arrogant partner who has a very low bar as to what good or acceptable looks like, he might have a tendency to think of himself as an absolute hero for not behaving this way earlier, and you should be thankful he hasn't. He also knows of your past relationship so he has that to positively compare himself to as well.

I have read your text and unfortunately I think this marriage is over. Might take a few years for you to get out but I don't see this improving. It's likely that he will apologise but he won't mean it. You can't make someone feel remorseful and guilty.

Your problem is that you're upset, but you're not angry enough.

This was a massive disrespect towards you and he knows full well what would happen if he did the same to a colleague, boss or a big gym going guy down the pub. He might get a fist back in his face and more. You were probably be too shocked to react, but imagine if you were a guy his size and someone did this to you. I'm imagining you would have told him to back the fuck off or else, but you don't have the power to physically intimidate him, and he knows that.

How are you doing OP?
Did you talk about things?

I hope you're ok x

The thing is you’ve said it’s a deal-breaker, but not kept yourself in a position to be able to break the deal. That’s something to think about, going forward.

Sorry you are going through this OP 💐My exh, said he would have the dc's and it worried me so much...but the reality was he didn't want half a salary and lack of freedom at the weekend! So I would not lose too much sleep...and when.we got to mediate the dc's all said they wanted to live full time with me....so now see him eow.

He sounds very controlling and not a good role model or partner.
Good luck and stay safe.