Is there a way to end a friendship well?

[fablett]

I don't want to be friends with one of my oldest friends anymore. She is really hurt and confused as to why I'm not making the effort to see her.

I can appreciate that fading her out is awful and causing her pain. But I can't see any way to tell her what I really think without causing her even more pain as the reasons I don't want to be friends go to the heart of who she is.

Has anyone ended a friendship well? How do you do it??

Can you explain more about why?

Yes, why? You’ve been friends with her for years, what’s made you do the about-turn?

It’s hard to give advice without knowing the reasons

It is hurtful to stop caring seeing a friend for no reason. Why do you no longer want to see her?

Depends if the reason you don't want to be friends with her is something that has always existed

Oh god..... I wouldn't be surprised if this was about me. My friend of 20 years has just faded me out, and I don't know why. OP, just tell us why you want to end the friendship.

No judgement here!
In fact let's be honest, if your main connection is that you were born in the same town at around the same time so went to the same school and bonded over a love of the local disco during a time of your life with an excess of free time and a lack of spending money then this says nothing about how your values develop as adults.

I’m puzzled by your question. How can you end a friendship well? Friendships end because things are not going well, either for one person or both. If you both come to the realisation that you have drifted apart, then I suppose it’s less traumatic but if one of you has a reason why you want the friendship to end, of which the other person is unaware, then of course it won’t end in a good way for them. You might as well explain your reasons. Just leaving them in limbo, not really knowing why, will be far crueller, imo, than telling the truth.

I think the best thing you could do would be to explain but be vague - we've grown apart, that kind of thing. Nothing that could be seen as a judgement on her but just that you don't have as much in common and also that you are really busy.

Is it something she can change ? You could say you have moved on to friends you feel you have more in common with. Giving her a "reason" but not one that is too harsh
I would be slow to throw away a v old friend to be honest without at least trying to fix the issue.

If you actually want to be kind to your friend, you are as honest as possible. It’s more awkward for you and yes she might not like you, but she’ll find out what it is. It may be something she wants to change. It may be she is fine as she is and it’s you that’s the issue, which is fine, but it will help her to know.

If its something to do with conflicting values - for example I'd joined or left a religion or political party/movement with which you didn't agree - I'd prefer to hear the truth.

I would find that less hurtful than just assuming you'd decided I was an unpleasant, boring old bag who you couldn't be bothered with any more.

If you did love her once do the decent thing and tell her as kindly as possible. Especially as you know it’s causing her pain

No, I’ve had it done to me and it made me feel awful. I’ve done it to others and I’m sure they felt awful too. Just please don’t bitch about her to everyone she knows while saying nothing to her face.

If she’s not a close friend, distance yourself so the friendship gradually fades into nothing. If you’re close, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and have a conversation however awkward that may be for you. You don’t need to get into the nitty gritty details or talk it out to death, but it’s only fair to show a close friend some respect by telling them you’re ending the friendship.

No one size fits all.

I ended one friendship fairly recently just by not contacting her. I think she guessed possibly why, and so we have seemed to both agree things have faded away.

Another friendship, a weaker one, I had to hint at a misunderstanding without saying what it was and simply not contact her anymore.

I'm not sure its usually all that helpful to be truthful myself. As you say OP, ending a friendship is often something about who they really are that you find hard to cope with, not always of course. Sometimes its OK to give a reason it if its more obviously event or fact-based.

Otherwise, if they press you, something very vague or else 'grown apart' can be helpful. A slow fade has its place too. It all depends. Its never easy, and I always feel a bit sad when i end a friendship, but all one can try and do is do it with grace and minimum drama when possible.

Ok reasons - she's started an Instagram fertility guru business taking money from desperate women and has no medical qualifications or experience. I massively disapprove of this and the woo advice she's selling. She is v active in extinction rebellion. I agree their goals but don't like the tactics. I actually work in climate change policy at quite a senior level but she's not interested in that. She campaigns for mermaids and stonewall both of whom I think are hugely problematic. She's an anti vaxxer which I didn't like pre pandemic but am aghast at now.

But in other ways she's a good person. She loves her family, she's a loyal friend, she's a good mother, she's overcome some tough challenges.

I don't want to be friends anymore. She hasn't done anything bad to me. But I think she does bad things. I can't tell her that though as she'll be very upset.

I've just had my closest friend ghost and block me and I don't know why and it's more painful than any romantic breakup.

She told me that our friendship has been 'difficult' lately but she wouldn't give any further information. I'm driving myself mad trying to figure it out.

Could you maybe mute her on social media for a bit and if she contacts you directly about of her opposing views challenge them then?

I don't follow her on any social media. I look now and again and feel enraged by it. I just can't separate the stuff I don't like from the stuff I do.

Actually OP I think you should tell her exactly why you don’t want to be friends with her anymore. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that either!
She needs to know that many people don’t find the things she does and the organisations she supports acceptable. Especially you as one of her oldest friends as that might actually give her pause for thought.

@FatFilledTrottyPuss yes I know. Except when has confronting people ever changed their minds about anything. But good to know I'm not alone in my distaste.

In your case, I would simply say that your beliefs dont allign and its too big a gap to bridge

Pick one thing you can’t get over and tell her.

You are already upsetting her, at least she will understand why if you say, for example, ‘I think you are taking advantage of women struggling with infertility and I can’t get past it’

I don't think friends have to be "bad" people for us to distance ourselves. I think most of my ex-friends were nice people, good people even, but for whatever reason there were problems with in the relating of the friendship itself, or we cannot cope with some aspects of how that person behaves with us. I'm mostly a live-and-let-live person and think people can have their own politics. But it would irritate me if e.g. it was rammed down my throat or they were combative with me (its happened!).

I think in these circumstances I would say it’s down to politics and your fundamental views. Only seeing as she asked, I would never say anything like “ oh you are boring” for example because that would be mean and what would be the point?

If she asks, you could say you're fond of her (if you are) but don't feel you're compatible anymore, and leave it at that?