Is there a way to end a friendship well?

[fablett]

I don't want to be friends with one of my oldest friends anymore. She is really hurt and confused as to why I'm not making the effort to see her.

I can appreciate that fading her out is awful and causing her pain. But I can't see any way to tell her what I really think without causing her even more pain as the reasons I don't want to be friends go to the heart of who she is.

Has anyone ended a friendship well? How do you do it??

This happened to me, a friend wanted to end the friendship but didn’t really say so. Mainly she faded me out and then when I tried to make contact told me why she hadn’t been in touch (reasons to do with us having differing views) but still didn’t say she wanted to cut contact. So we continued in this pattern of contact, no contact, until my mental health was so poor that I had no resources left and we faded out It was so painful, it would have been so much easier if she had just at the beginning of the whole thing been honest and said that she no longer wanted any contact. It would have been grim for a while, but so much better than the drawn out torture.

Honestly, I would tell her.

She’s a personal of principle (batshit ones but still) so I think she’ll find it easier to get it, if you say look I think you are a wonderful woman but my beliefs and yours have diverged massively, and I think your stances are damaging. I’ll always respect and be fond of you, but I can’t have an active friendship with you any more.

It’ll be a bugger to do but it’s kinder.

downton thank you for answering

I think you did the right thing. It's different if someone has mistreated you but I have been ghosted/had a gradual withdrawal when I'd rather someone say "I dislike your stance on x" which I ended up hearing from other people.

I got worried I had been a bad friend in some way. Also, I can be friends with opposites in many cases but I realise some people can't. Ironically, I'm now on the alert for people with whom I have more in common...which some might call a safe space, others might call it an echo chamber.

It’s a bit like a romantic breakup the truth hurts but not as much as torturing yourself with why or what have I done scenarios when someone begins the fade. As someone said pick one thing, soft soap it a little bit, be clear as you might a with boyfriend that this is over and there’s nothing else to be said or done.

My closet and oldest friend did this to me years ago, for a very specific reason but didn't tell me . It was very hurtful up to the point I gave up which I didn't for quite a while. If she had just been honest I'd have accepted it.
We now speak very occasionally and she did tell me her reason. A pretty shitty one which said everything about her views and really could have freed me up much sooner from confusion and upset. Just tell her.

I bet differing COVID views have split a lot of friendships up

Pro lockdown / anti lockdown / mask or no mask etc

I know it did some of mine

@fablett

Ok reasons - she's started an Instagram fertility guru business taking money from desperate women and has no medical qualifications or experience. I massively disapprove of this and the woo advice she's selling. She is v active in extinction rebellion. I agree their goals but don't like the tactics. I actually work in climate change policy at quite a senior level but she's not interested in that. She campaigns for mermaids and stonewall both of whom I think are hugely problematic. She's an anti vaxxer which I didn't like pre pandemic but am aghast at now.

But in other ways she's a good person. She loves her family, she's a loyal friend, she's a good mother, she's overcome some tough challenges.

I don't want to be friends anymore. She hasn't done anything bad to me. But I think she does bad things. I can't tell her that though as she'll be very upset.

If you actually work high up at senior level in climate change policy then you must be well aware that very little very late is being done about it and we're really heading for massive catastrophe. The more people who are aware and joining groups and being active the better!

I don't understand nor respect anti vaxxers because I haven't heard a convincing reason or argument yet.

Just tell her that your views are so different on so many things that it is difficult continuing a friendship because what can you talk about? You'll be arguing all the time.

@namechange5575

'Sue, I love you and you've been an important person in my life. But at the moment some of your beliefs, and the things you are doing, are too upsetting for me to be around. I'm not going to challenge you on them, or ask you to change - I know these are important to you and not taken lightly. But hearing about them is not something I want in my life in any way. I really really don't want to get into any debate about these issues. So I'm going to put some distance into our friendship. I wish you well.' Something like that?

I like this response.

I also ended my friendship with my best friend a couple of years ago when she had an affair.

I knew all the gory details but everyone else thought he was single even they met.

I had to listen to everyone sympathising with her over things they'd have been of the same opinion as me about had they known the truth.

I just couldn't be friends with her because if it.

No one else knows why to this day but I lost a few other friends because of it.