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Relationships

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Original poster

Is there a way to end a friendship well?

58 replies

fablett · 06/02/2022 15:39

I don't want to be friends with one of my oldest friends anymore. She is really hurt and confused as to why I'm not making the effort to see her.

I can appreciate that fading her out is awful and causing her pain. But I can't see any way to tell her what I really think without causing her even more pain as the reasons I don't want to be friends go to the heart of who she is.

Has anyone ended a friendship well? How do you do it??

OP posts:

Indecisivelurcher · 06/02/2022 19:50

@Gimlisaxe

In your case, I would simply say that your beliefs dont allign and its too big a gap to bridge

My best friend 'ghosted' me. I think you've got to say something. I agree with this pp.

Also what a mish mash of beliefs she's got, that mix makes no sense to me! And well done for what you're doing in climate change policy, can they speed it up a bit please 😁

Thinkbiglittleone · 06/02/2022 19:51

I can't tell her that though as she'll be very upset.

Surely she will be even more upset at you slowly ignoring her or giving her the cold shoulder. Just tell her straight her views are frustrating and while it's ok to have different opinions in things her are just a step too far for you.

ILoveHuskies · 06/02/2022 19:51

Your poor friend - what has she done wrong?

I appreciate this is difficult for you as well but whatever you do please don't ghost her. I think you should write a letter or email or something

ILoveHuskies · 06/02/2022 19:52

@HunkyPunk

I’m puzzled by your question. How can you end a friendship well? Friendships end because things are not going well, either for one person or both. If you both come to the realisation that you have drifted apart, then I suppose it’s less traumatic but if one of you has a reason why you want the friendship to end, of which the other person is unaware, then of course it won’t end in a good way for them. You might as well explain your reasons. Just leaving them in limbo, not really knowing why, will be far crueller, imo, than telling the truth.

This

BoodleBug51 · 06/02/2022 19:58

I had a really close friend, we were inseparable for about 4/5 years.
Then she started having an affair.

Completely changed her, and I couldn't bear to be around her. I tried the backing off approach but had to be blunt in the end. She was furious, and tried all sorts of nasty games including telling DH and other mutual friends that it was me having the affair. Caused no end of grief and hassle.

I've never had a close female friend since. She put me off for life.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 06/02/2022 19:59

A close friend ghosted me when I was about 22. She still feels like the boyfriend you never get over. I'd chat with her about your reasons if that's possible.

UnsuitableHat · 06/02/2022 20:06

If you have to explain it to her rather than just let things drift, I’d probably say that your views don’t align and give a couple of examples. Does it have to be a big cut off though?

2020nymph · 06/02/2022 20:06

@theinvisiblewoman2

I've just had my closest friend ghost and block me and I don't know why and it's more painful than any romantic breakup.

She told me that our friendship has been 'difficult' lately but she wouldn't give any further information. I'm driving myself mad trying to figure it out.

Could you maybe mute her on social media for a bit and if she contacts you directly about of her opposing views challenge them then?

I'm so sorry this happened to you too. I was already going through a tough time with juggling Sens child home learning and working plus health problems. Had a WhatsApp out of the blue on a group of four WhatsApp saying she was in a good place but she couldn't be friends with us. Another friend told us that it was just two of us. No explanation to why. It tipped me over the edge, my mental health spiralled and I've found it really hard to trust people, questioning friendships.

Helocariad · 06/02/2022 20:11

I agree with PP that you have to let her know why you want to distance yourself.
Ghosting a friend is more cruel in the long run than letting them know why because it gives them no opportunity to respond to you or reflect upon themselves.

If a close friend told me they wanted to distance themselves from me because of my views/ something I'm doing, I would definitely reflect on it and question myself.

Holly60 · 06/02/2022 20:13

I think you should tell her. It’s way less painful for her than just being faded out and not knowing why. You can also say all the good things you like about her but just that her values no longer really align with yours.

I think you will feel better about it in the long run too - it will lay less heavily on your conscience.

Write a letter I think

ISmellBurnings · 06/02/2022 20:18

She’s already hurt and confused so knows something is up.

I would send her a message saying that you are sorry but you can’t support her beliefs and it’s making the friendship too difficult, or similar.

Don’t just disappear. A friend of mine of 20 years deleted me off fb, I haven’t seen her since and I still have no idea why. We never fell out.I genuinely don’t know what happened, if anything and it’s horrible.

11stonesomething · 06/02/2022 20:38

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

namechange5575 · 06/02/2022 20:42

'Sue, I love you and you've been an important person in my life. But at the moment some of your beliefs, and the things you are doing, are too upsetting for me to be around. I'm not going to challenge you on them, or ask you to change - I know these are important to you and not taken lightly. But hearing about them is not something I want in my life in any way. I really really don't want to get into any debate about these issues. So I'm going to put some distance into our friendship. I wish you well.'
Something like that?

BlackberrySky · 06/02/2022 20:44

I think you should say that you have indeed been feeling hesitant about the friendship, and it is because you don't feel your outlooks align any more.

MadMadMadamMim · 06/02/2022 20:46

I think you should be honest with her and tell her why. Make it clear that you have wildly different views on what are key issues and that you wish her well for the future but no longer want any contact.

Far less hurtful than her not knowing why you are ghosting her.

spongedog · 06/02/2022 20:47

I would also much prefer to know why. A friend from university - many decades ago - has distanced themselves from me without any conversation. It is puzzling, whereas mutual friends discuss how well they are, how well they are doing etc. So you hesitate to bring up the alienation.

I am myself struggling with long-standing friendships where the men parrot TWAW. They may experience male violence due to their choices, but that doesnt mean they get to decide how women should live. I am (internally) debating do I end the friendship explicitly or let it ride until things perhaps settle down. It can be tricky.

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 06/02/2022 21:09

[quote fablett]@FatFilledTrottyPuss yes I know. Except when has confronting people ever changed their minds about anything. But good to know I'm not alone in my distaste. [/quote]
That’s the thing, you most likely won’t change her mind but at least it might be a chink in her confidence that her way of thinking is right.
If she was my friend/ex friend, I’d want her to know why I couldn’t continue the friendship in these circumstances.
Maybe you could say something along the lines of ‘our values no longer align and I have to end our relationship’ which is pretty much what a told the Labour Party for the same reasons.

EmmaH2022 · 06/02/2022 21:16

Can't you say there's too big a clash on fundamental values? If you know the friendship is over then does it make it different to say why?

I have definitely been dropped for some political views and I'm not even vocal about them.

ILoveHuskies · 06/02/2022 21:25

@IWasFunBeforeMum

A close friend ghosted me when I was about 22. She still feels like the boyfriend you never get over. I'd chat with her about your reasons if that's possible.

I've got one like this

Was ten years ago honestly still makes me sad sometimes

ZedMammy · 06/02/2022 21:26

I’ve said to my partner many times that if I met some of my oldest friends for the first time now we defo wouldn’t be friends.

Think of it like breaking up with a SO.

She is unlikely to change her beliefs at this point. It sucks but well done to you for being true to yourself. We spend so much time being nice and giving our energy to people because we have to at work, I have zero time for this outside of it x

downtonupton · 06/02/2022 21:34

I broke up with an od friend recently - I told her the truth - that our friendship had run its course and that our values were not compatible. She is increasingly right wing, Daily Mail opinions, royalist, all lives matter, brexit supporting etc and I am a woke snowflake BLM anti brexit type... just got fed up of the stuff she posted on facebook making me wince. So I unfollowed her so I didn't have to see it but she tagged me in a couple of things.

I just realised that our friendship was entirely me either wincing, biting my tongue or telling her off for her opinions. I cant remember the last time she wished my happy birthday or sent a gift or we had a good chat. i was just a bed when she was in my town, she was always full of promises and was a god parent to DS - but promises never materialised and she never even sent a card on his birthdays.

If I had unfriended or blocked her - she would have tried to re-friend me so I had to tell her.

EmmaH2022 · 06/02/2022 21:43

downton how did she take it? Do you think you would have felt the same if the friendship was good in other ways?

whatwasIgoingtosay · 06/02/2022 21:53

You have to be honest and tell her that you can't be friends any more because of her anti-vaxx/pro-Stonewall beliefs and her business taking money from desperate women in what is essentially a scam (you don't need to put it like that). I would certainly not want to be friends with her. I can take a few differences in political opinion with friends, but some beliefs are so misaligned with my fundamental values that I couldn't carry on. You need to tell her, kindly but firmly.

Chloemol · 06/02/2022 21:55

You have to be honest just say that you fundamentally disagree with a lot that she dies/ believes in and for your own sake you need to end thefriendship

Then block her on everything so there is no further conversation about. It

downtonupton · 06/02/2022 22:00

@EmmaH2022

downton how did she take it? Do you think you would have felt the same if the friendship was good in other ways?

she sent a message back telling me she was upset and accusing me of cancelling her - of only wanting to surround myself with people who share the same opinions etc (not true but decided I wasnt getting in to a long conversation about it)

We had been great friends at one time and shared a flat etc. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding and godparent to DS. We drifted apart her work took her abroad for a while I had kids etc - I don't think either of us was getting anything out of the friendship and it was habit. If she hadn't annoyed me we'd have probably carried on drifting a while longer and chatting every few months, making plans that would never happen - but a different stew would have broken the camel's back at a different time.

Our views were so incompatible that it was hard to take about anything other than very superficial things. She commented on my DCs behaviour, was very much from the 'children should be seen and not heard' school of thought, but isn't actually a parent to has no idea about what is appropriate 5 year old behaviour.

DH and other friends dont know why i persevered with the friendship for as long as I did - so in answer to your question, she was upset, she genuinely cant see why I can't do it anymore - but it would have happened sooner or later anyway.

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