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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This wasn’t likely to have been me, was it?

73 replies

Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 09:38

Just wanted a MN sense check on this. I’m pretty sure this would have been unlikely to have been anything I did, but you know those nagging doubts… I am unused to OLD, or dating in general really.

I got chatting to a woman over messenger. We exchanged back and forth and agreed to meet up for a coffee/wander around and a chat. She wasn’t super chatty over message but she said she was a bit chilli with people until she got to know them.

The morning of the meeting she messaged to say that her DD was off school so she could only stay a couple of hours. I messaged back saying that was fine, I was only expecting to be a couple of hours, but if she’d prefer we could reschedule. I understand because I also have a child of the same age.

We met up and seemed to get on well.

She messaged me before I’d even got home to say she’d enjoyed meeting me and that she thought I was lovely. I said I’d enjoyed spending time with her too and that I would like to meet up again. She agreed that she said she’d love to. She also added me on FB.

We exchanged a few brief messages over the next couple of days, then got chatting over message again and I asked if she would like to meet. She said yes and we arranged to meet the following week, arranged place and time etc. We both said we were looking forward to it. She seemed very keen at this point.

We didn’t message again apart from I sent her a benign joke I thought she would appreciate about something we were discussing when we met up. She responded with a laughing emoji.

Then two days before the date she messaged simply saying, ‘Hi Itwasntmeright, I can’t meet you on Wednesday, I’m sorry.’ I messaged back to say no worries, is everything alright? She didn’t respond, the message was left unread.

I was a bit puzzled by this as she genuinely seemed keen, and I did like her. I messaged the following day and said, ‘Hi, I’m just messaging to check you’re ok. I won’t ask you to meet up as you’ve said you don’t want to, this is just a friendly enquiry to ask if you’re alright.’ Again, no response and the message was left unread. She hadn’t deleted me off facebook though.

I haven’t messaged again. The next day after I’d had no response I deleted the messages and deleted her off my facebook. I took it as a not interested.

This was unlikely to have been anything I’d said or done, was it? She seemed really keen, then she just cancelled. It shocked me a bit as she had been so keen, and we did seem to genuinely have a lot in common and get on.

OP posts:
bonfireheart · 06/02/2022 09:41

Sounds like she isn't ready for a relationship and some people aren't green up enough to have an honest conversation about it.

endofagain · 06/02/2022 09:42

I don't think you have done anything wrong. The ball is in her court now, so you have no option but to leave it there. I am sorry. You must feel disappointed.

Juletide · 06/02/2022 09:42

What was the joke?

layladomino · 06/02/2022 09:46

From what you've said, it was nothing you said or did. She should have been honest with you rather than leaving you dangling.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 09:46

The unread messages sound like she's been caught out. Is she definitely single?

Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 09:48

@Juletide We had been talking about mansplaining dickheads online. the joke was: ‘Did you hear about the mansplainer who drowned in a puddle? It was a well actually.’ It wasn’t especially funny but I’m not sure a less than hilarious joke would be that off putting. She just responded with a laugh and that was it.

OP posts:
Colinthedaxi · 06/02/2022 09:50

Personally when I was OLD I felt like I was being played if someone had been chatty / regular messages then arranged a meet up and went quiet. It felt like a lack of effort really? Though that might not be the scenario in your case?

GrandmasCat · 06/02/2022 09:50

A lot of people expect a flurry of text messages after meeting up so if you were messaging back and forth everyday before meeting she may have resented getting less of them.

Personally, I find it invasive having people texting several times a day and expecting a reply as many times but I have seen quite a lot of women feeling “ghosted” when they don’t get that level of attention, when for the man it is (sometimes) simply about moving the relationship from message phase to dating phase.

The unread message may mean that she has blocked you already or she has found someone she is more interested on now. It does happens, don’t take it to heart.

Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 09:50

@girlmom21 She said she was single and I had no reason to disbelieve her. I don’t think it’s that. I could of course be wrong but I doubt it. Oh well, it doesn’t matter anyway now.

OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 09:54

@GrandmasCat We weren’t. We chatted by message on the Friday night, agreed to meet up. I messaged her the joke on sat morning, she responded quite quickly with the laughing emoji, then no contact until the Monday night when she cancelled.

This is why I don’t think it was me. I honestly can’t thin of a thing I did wrong, and I try to be self aware.

OP posts:
Suzanne999 · 06/02/2022 09:54

Either she wasn’t ready for a relationship or had met someone else OLD and didn’t want to see 2 people?
Can’t see anything in your conversations that shouts wrong.

Juletide · 06/02/2022 10:00

Doesn't sound as though you did anything wrong, so who knows?

I liked your joke.

Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 10:02

@Suzanne999 no, I haven’t withheld anything, that was literally it. This is why I think it wasn’t me. Fair enough, it’s her prerogative, I just felt like it was a bit off of her, especially as I thought she seemed genuine. You don’t know what’s going on in the background though, and at least she did actually let me know. Still, I thought it was a bit rude, I wouldn’t behave like that. I’m not used to online dating though so this might be quite common, but she said she wasn’t either. Who knows.

OP posts:
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 06/02/2022 10:02

Sounds disappointing but I suppose you at least know for sure that she has changed her mind about meeting again as she let you know that rather than ghosting at least.

Unfortunately, she doesn't really owe you the details. The 'why' doesn't really matter as we don't know the other person yet so don't have any insight into their lives or decision making.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 06/02/2022 10:02

Cross post!

Namechangeagoogoo · 06/02/2022 10:06

Yes the joke was funny and in context by the sounds of it. If she was upset by it for some reason then she probably wouldn’t be the right person for you anyway.

I think it’s the nature of OLD unfortunately. It happened to me several times when I was dating. I think I assumed they had met someone they were more interested in, but I didn’t ever know for sure.

The weirdest one was a man who blocked me immediately after our date (I obviously made a good impression 😂) and then contacted me about 3 months later and said ‘sorry I haven’t been in touch, do you fancy meeting up again?’ Confused
I didn’t!

interest12 · 06/02/2022 10:12

Honestly , you sound a bit pushy and she may have seen red flags. If she wanted to tell you the reason why she couldn’t make it on Wednesday then she would have. Instead you basically demand fed to know her reason and pushed again the next day

Planetzero · 06/02/2022 10:12

Yes it’s the nature of OLD. People just change their minds. I’ve done it myself, met someone, arranged a second date and then felt a bit less enthusiastic about it as it gets nearer and then cancelled. Nothing anyone has done particularly.

Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 10:15

@interest12 I think you are being hugely unfair, I wasn’t pushy and I didn’t demand anything.

OP posts:
extractorfactor · 06/02/2022 10:29

Maybe she's having to deal with some family stuff, and since you've only just met, she doesn't feel ready to share those details with you.
I don't think it's anything you've done, and you clearly got on well, so I suspect there is some external factor at play.
it really doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong so try not to take it personally (I know if you are a decent soul things like this can be hurtful, but try not to take it to heart OP).

interest12 · 06/02/2022 10:34

I didn’t say you were. I was just saying how she may have interpreted it, having read more into it.surely you can see that she didn’t want to plain what had come up… maybe there was death for example. If I was then pushed for specifics I’d not reply either

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 10:36

I think she’s just being a bit crap/rude really and isn’t ready for a relationship.

I doubt she felt ghosted, because she would have been more in touch herself.

Sorry this happened. It’s not you it’s her. Get back at it.

OnlyClothes · 06/02/2022 10:39

There’s nothing that you’ve written here that sound wrong at all.

Where it went wrong is…….it’s internet dating. It’s 2022. It’s just how it is, unfortunately. You did right to delete your messages and delete her from fb though.

justustwoandmoo · 06/02/2022 10:41

@interest12

Honestly , you sound a bit pushy and she may have seen red flags. If she wanted to tell you the reason why she couldn’t make it on Wednesday then she would have. Instead you basically demand fed to know her reason and pushed again the next day
Are we reading a different post? Lol. OP you don't sound pushy at all. Ignore this. If you hadn't bothered to ask then someone on here would have a go at you for not showing enough interest 😂.

It's just one of those thing. OLD is a nightmare so just put it down to experience and move on. You sound lovely.

JoyOrbison · 06/02/2022 10:42

I do like the joke!

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