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Original poster

This wasn’t likely to have been me, was it?

73 replies

Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 09:38

Just wanted a MN sense check on this. I’m pretty sure this would have been unlikely to have been anything I did, but you know those nagging doubts… I am unused to OLD, or dating in general really.

I got chatting to a woman over messenger. We exchanged back and forth and agreed to meet up for a coffee/wander around and a chat. She wasn’t super chatty over message but she said she was a bit chilli with people until she got to know them.

The morning of the meeting she messaged to say that her DD was off school so she could only stay a couple of hours. I messaged back saying that was fine, I was only expecting to be a couple of hours, but if she’d prefer we could reschedule. I understand because I also have a child of the same age.

We met up and seemed to get on well.

She messaged me before I’d even got home to say she’d enjoyed meeting me and that she thought I was lovely. I said I’d enjoyed spending time with her too and that I would like to meet up again. She agreed that she said she’d love to. She also added me on FB.

We exchanged a few brief messages over the next couple of days, then got chatting over message again and I asked if she would like to meet. She said yes and we arranged to meet the following week, arranged place and time etc. We both said we were looking forward to it. She seemed very keen at this point.

We didn’t message again apart from I sent her a benign joke I thought she would appreciate about something we were discussing when we met up. She responded with a laughing emoji.

Then two days before the date she messaged simply saying, ‘Hi Itwasntmeright, I can’t meet you on Wednesday, I’m sorry.’ I messaged back to say no worries, is everything alright? She didn’t respond, the message was left unread.

I was a bit puzzled by this as she genuinely seemed keen, and I did like her. I messaged the following day and said, ‘Hi, I’m just messaging to check you’re ok. I won’t ask you to meet up as you’ve said you don’t want to, this is just a friendly enquiry to ask if you’re alright.’ Again, no response and the message was left unread. She hadn’t deleted me off facebook though.

I haven’t messaged again. The next day after I’d had no response I deleted the messages and deleted her off my facebook. I took it as a not interested.

This was unlikely to have been anything I’d said or done, was it? She seemed really keen, then she just cancelled. It shocked me a bit as she had been so keen, and we did seem to genuinely have a lot in common and get on.

OP posts:
LawnFever · 06/02/2022 10:44

I think you’ve been a big melodramatic to delete her off FB, she only said she couldn’t meet Weds, not that she didn’t ever want to meet again.

You’ve met her once, hardly know her and she could have any number if things going on as to why she couldn’t meet up as planned or reply immediately to your messages, but she’s under no obligation to explain her personal details to you.

I think you’ve ruined any chances now by deleting her off FB, I think you should’ve just left it as ‘sorry you’re not free Weds, if you’d like to rearrange another time let me know, hope everything is ok’

Instead you’ve jumped to all kinds of conclusions, when she didn’t actually have to reply to you straight away.

If it’s WhatsApp you can see messages pop up but if you don’t click into the app it still shows as unread, I do that sometimes because it’s a reminder I haven’t replied, she might’ve been doing that while she got something else sorted out?

Who knows what her reasons were but now you’ll never know.

LawnFever · 06/02/2022 10:50

@interest12

Honestly , you sound a bit pushy and she may have seen red flags. If she wanted to tell you the reason why she couldn’t make it on Wednesday then she would have. Instead you basically demand fed to know her reason and pushed again the next day
This is how I read it too, she never said she didn’t want to meet up full stop, just that Weds didn’t work any more for whatever reason.
2022booklover · 06/02/2022 10:51

I like the joke too.

While I honestly don’t think it’s anything you’ve done - the only “extra info” that she would have had between agreeing to a second date and cancelling is your Facebook page.

Not saying there is, but is there anything on there (no matter how old) that could be badly interpreted?

Comedycook · 06/02/2022 10:52

I think you handled it pretty well. I would assume she has difficult stuff going on in her own life and not take it personally.

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 10:55

No you’ve done nothing wrong.

Either she’s having a family issue which means she can’t/doesn’t want to respond or she’s decided to not pursue anything with you for her own reasons.

I’d not text her again and see if she reaches out to you.
You can then decide either you want to go any further depending on her message and if you think it’s genuine or not.

ChickenStripper · 06/02/2022 10:56

Unfriend her on FB. You should not let strangers have access to your life.

LawnFever · 06/02/2022 10:58

@ChickenStripper

Unfriend her on FB. You should not let strangers have access to your life.
He already has, that was his reaction to not getting immediate replies to his messages.
Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 10:59

@lawnFever It was 24 hours, I think that’s plenty of time. I am under no obligation to retain messages or Facebook friends with somebody who’s demonstrated a lack of interest, just in case she deemed me worthy to change her mind. I thought my response was quite measured. What more do you think I owe her?

If I’d stayed hanging on waiting for a response, then she’d come back to me a week later, people on here would say she’s taking the piss and to ignore. You can’t win on here.

And honestly, this shit so early on isn’t a good sign. Even if she came back tomorrow she might do the same again next week. Why would I want to deal with that? She may have canceled because she didn’t feel ready,, or confident, but still, it would still mean all the same stress and uncertainty for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 11:02

@LawnFever I am a woman. Not everybody is heterosexual you know.

OP posts:
justustwoandmoo · 06/02/2022 11:04

[quote Itwasntmeright]@lawnFever It was 24 hours, I think that’s plenty of time. I am under no obligation to retain messages or Facebook friends with somebody who’s demonstrated a lack of interest, just in case she deemed me worthy to change her mind. I thought my response was quite measured. What more do you think I owe her?

If I’d stayed hanging on waiting for a response, then she’d come back to me a week later, people on here would say she’s taking the piss and to ignore. You can’t win on here.

And honestly, this shit so early on isn’t a good sign. Even if she came back tomorrow she might do the same again next week. Why would I want to deal with that? She may have canceled because she didn’t feel ready,, or confident, but still, it would still mean all the same stress and uncertainty for me.[/quote]
Totally agree with you. This is a sign of the way things will have been. Life is way too short to play the 'leave messages unread' game. Waiting for the tick to turn blue etc... b**x to that!

Babyvenusplant · 06/02/2022 11:07

To people saying op jumped to conclusions etc.. he didn't at all.
She left his messages unread and didn't reply to either of his last two, she basically ghosted him.
She could have easily text to say 'it was nice to meet you but I don't see this going any further', instead she's just left it at 'I can't meet Wednesday' and then ignored him.
Everyone deserves to be treated with a bit of decency with online dating, she's just left op not knowing what went wrong which is a bit shitty imo.

LawnFever · 06/02/2022 11:07

No you’re right, you have no obligation to keep anyone on your social media whatsoever.

She equally has no obligation to reply to your messages within a specific time scale, personally I don’t think 24hrs is a particularly long time especially when you have no idea of the reason she cancelled.

You owe her nothing more, she owes you nothing more.

I think people have become incredibly impatient around getting immediate responses to messages, she’s virtually a stranger, if something has come up then it’s perfectly reasonable not to reply for 24 hours, she doesn’t need to be at your beck and call.

I honestly find it odd you assumed ‘can’t meet Weds’ meant ‘can’t meet full stop?’.

LawnFever · 06/02/2022 11:08

[quote Itwasntmeright]@LawnFever I am a woman. Not everybody is heterosexual you know.[/quote]
Apologies, I shouldn’t have jumped to that assumption, sorry

NerdyBird · 06/02/2022 11:10

Could she be new to dating women and has got nervous about it? I don't think you did anything wrong, and the joke was fine.

Crikeyalmighty · 06/02/2022 11:10

OP- you did nothing wrong- there’s something she’s not telling you. Maybe she doesn’t want relationships, just enjoyable occasional nights out etc . Some people are just cowards. I once many many years ago saw a guy 4 or 5 times, actually spent Xmas with his family , he waved me off on the train on Boxing Day and that was the last I heard of him!! All very bizzare— not even a thanks but no thanks message/conversation.

MermaidEyes · 06/02/2022 11:15

@NerdyBird

Could she be new to dating women and has got nervous about it? I don't think you did anything wrong, and the joke was fine.

I was just coming on to say this - maybe she thought she'd try it out then got cold feet

Craftycorvid · 06/02/2022 11:17

You sound lovely, and the joke you shared with her is absolutely not an offensive joke. The sad fact is, it’s easy for some people to just vanish without even a ‘great meeting you but now isn’t a good time’ message. I doubt you’d do that to someone and it hurts to have it done to you. You’ve no way of knowing what’s going on in her life. You felt a certain wariness when you were exchanging messages before meeting, and the whole issue with the child dictating the length of your meeting feels very much as though she was keeping you at a distance for her own reasons. She’s, at best, ambivalent about a relationship; I think you’ll have to accept that and that you did nothing wrong.

Bellringer · 06/02/2022 11:19

Anything could have happened, you can wait or move on. She can contact or leave it.

Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 11:20

This is a possibility. I don’t know and I’ll never know, and it isn’t my right to know. I was more interested in whether I done anything wrong. I don’t think I did, and most posters seem to agree with me. It’s just it’s easy to second-guess yourself I suppose, especially as she’d gone from being really keen to that.

I’m guessing if she was truly disgusted with something on my Facebook, which I very much doubt, she wouldn’t have told me at all, and ignored me when I message to confirm the second date. I don’t know. Whatever.

OP posts:
LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 06/02/2022 11:51

[quote Itwasntmeright]@lawnFever It was 24 hours, I think that’s plenty of time. I am under no obligation to retain messages or Facebook friends with somebody who’s demonstrated a lack of interest, just in case she deemed me worthy to change her mind. I thought my response was quite measured. What more do you think I owe her?

If I’d stayed hanging on waiting for a response, then she’d come back to me a week later, people on here would say she’s taking the piss and to ignore. You can’t win on here.

And honestly, this shit so early on isn’t a good sign. Even if she came back tomorrow she might do the same again next week. Why would I want to deal with that? She may have canceled because she didn’t feel ready,, or confident, but still, it would still mean all the same stress and uncertainty for me.[/quote]
This post reveals much about you and might well point to what went wrong.

Your taking of a short online silence as a deliberate slight to you -a slash at your pride- is not an admirable reaction. (Many family emergencies can take you from Facebook... she did take the trouble to cancel your date.)

Your hurried deletion of her from Facebook (worried that she might delete you first?) seems childish.

Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 14:41

@LostMyLastHatfulOfWords
Who the hell deletes someone off facebook because they’re scared of being defriended first? Do you do that?

OP posts:
HogDogKetchup · 06/02/2022 14:43

She’s probably still involved with someone else.

Eleganz · 06/02/2022 15:29

Just chalk it down to experience and move on. OLD seems to be a weird place where basic courtesy seems to be optional. Either something terrible has happened to her or she is being shit, either way she isn't right for you at the moment.

I think the more you engage on here the more ammunition you will give to those who want to make this your fault because you are a man.

Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 15:32

I’m not a man.

OP posts:
MyOtherNameIsMyName · 06/02/2022 15:48

Interesting responses.

If you were a woman given a similar scenario I'd imagine the majority responses would be along the lines of him being a player or having multiple women on the go or being married or some such.

But in this case most responses afford her the benefit of doubt.

I suppose it is to be expected given MN sees things mostly from a woman's point of view.

I can't say why what happened has happened but it would be refreshing if both sexes were given the same benefit of doubt in similar circumstances.

I caveat that strongly where evidence of bad behaviour is present in an OP.

All I can say with OLD is nothing is real until it had happened so best not to get too invested until things are firmly established