This wasn’t likely to have been me, was it?

[Itwasntmeright]

Just wanted a MN sense check on this. I’m pretty sure this would have been unlikely to have been anything I did, but you know those nagging doubts… I am unused to OLD, or dating in general really.

I got chatting to a woman over messenger. We exchanged back and forth and agreed to meet up for a coffee/wander around and a chat. She wasn’t super chatty over message but she said she was a bit chilli with people until she got to know them.

The morning of the meeting she messaged to say that her DD was off school so she could only stay a couple of hours. I messaged back saying that was fine, I was only expecting to be a couple of hours, but if she’d prefer we could reschedule. I understand because I also have a child of the same age.

We met up and seemed to get on well.

She messaged me before I’d even got home to say she’d enjoyed meeting me and that she thought I was lovely. I said I’d enjoyed spending time with her too and that I would like to meet up again. She agreed that she said she’d love to. She also added me on FB.

We exchanged a few brief messages over the next couple of days, then got chatting over message again and I asked if she would like to meet. She said yes and we arranged to meet the following week, arranged place and time etc. We both said we were looking forward to it. She seemed very keen at this point.

We didn’t message again apart from I sent her a benign joke I thought she would appreciate about something we were discussing when we met up. She responded with a laughing emoji.

Then two days before the date she messaged simply saying, ‘Hi Itwasntmeright, I can’t meet you on Wednesday, I’m sorry.’ I messaged back to say no worries, is everything alright? She didn’t respond, the message was left unread.

I was a bit puzzled by this as she genuinely seemed keen, and I did like her. I messaged the following day and said, ‘Hi, I’m just messaging to check you’re ok. I won’t ask you to meet up as you’ve said you don’t want to, this is just a friendly enquiry to ask if you’re alright.’ Again, no response and the message was left unread. She hadn’t deleted me off facebook though.

I haven’t messaged again. The next day after I’d had no response I deleted the messages and deleted her off my facebook. I took it as a not interested.

This was unlikely to have been anything I’d said or done, was it? She seemed really keen, then she just cancelled. It shocked me a bit as she had been so keen, and we did seem to genuinely have a lot in common and get on.

@MyOtherNameIsMyName she is a woman

This thread is rather entertaining. Sorry OP.

Ha, yes, lots of assuming I’m a bloke. I am not a man, I am very much a woman. It’s sad everybody just assumes heterosexual, even after being told that it isn’t the case.

@Itwasntmeright

Ah, my mistake.

Time for me to go on some kind of confirmation bias training as I need it as you can all see.

Ignore the irrelevant bits of my post- mostly all of it 🙂

The last para still works though.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

When I was OLD, this sort of behaviour usually meant there was someone else in the background, maybe an ex, or someone they're more interested in showing an interest in them.

@Itwasntmeright

Ha, yes, lots of assuming I’m a bloke. I am not a man, I am very much a woman. It’s sad everybody just assumes heterosexual, even after being told that it isn’t the case.

The fact this happens so frequently on MN just further illustrates why we need much better representation of LGBT figures in the media.

I'm rarely surprised by a poster's sex, purely by the words/phrases used, but the mansplaining joke really should have made it obvious! (I might steal that BTW!)

OP I don't think you've done anything wrong - just for whatever reason, she's unable/unwilling to pursue. Could be family stuff, could be first same sex date cold feet, could be emotionally not ready to date, could be she met someone else or an ex came back on the scene. It's a shame - but at least you know now rather than wasting any more time on her.

Onward and upward!

You clearly did nothing wrong @Itwasntmeright . It reads to me like she is with someone and has been caught out. Sucks. Maybe you dodged a bullet.

And yes to whoever asked about it, why wouldn't you unfriend someone first? Damn.

Linguistically her message cancelling the date sounds much more like it was something in her personal life preventing her from meeting up - not anything you did or said.
Illness? Re-establishing a former relationship? Family issues? Could be anything. It's a shame but I really don't think you did anything wrong.

I'm really shocked at this cultural shift to people expecting replies within 24 hours. Personally, if something significant is happening, such as illness in the family, then I wouldn't be on my phone again for days. I would message back a virtual stranger when I had the opportunity but certainly not immediately as the very nature of cancelling means she has more important things going on.

It must be just me but I assumed the OP was a woman from the start.

I don't think you did anything wrong, I think she's gotten cold feet, she seemed wary from the start putting a time limit on the date etc.

The only thing I'd have done different is not delete her off a Facebook right away, but I can see why you did that.

This is why I don't like online dating, I'm quite a solid reliable person and other people are just flakey and let me down a lot!

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad I thought that too but I didn’t want to say lest I be accused of obsessively overthinking, which I don’t think I have been doing btw, I just notice the way things are written. It struck me as having been written in almost a state of panic, like she’d had to build herself up to writing it. This could be making assumptions but there’s definitely an air of upset brevity about it. This is the reason for my follow up message the next day. I hope she’s alright.

Maybe I did the wrong thing by deleting her off facebook, but at the end of the day I don’t know her, and she’s rejected me for whatever reason, so there’s no need for her to have that window into my life. I think some people commenting on here forget that I’ve got feelings too, and while I only met her once, rejection still stings. If we could have just chatted as friends that would have been fine, and I gave her that opportunity, but she hasn’t responded and I can’t force friendship on someone who has clearly signalled they want to be left alone.

I think I have acted well, despite the objections of some PPs, but I haven’t intruded on her with communication at any point, I respected without question her rejection, and I reached out in a purely friendly way even after she just dropped me suddenly. I don’t think there is anything I should have done differently.

@CandidClarisse I hate OLD too and I prefer not to use it in any way, but lesbians aren’t exactly easy to find. I too am a pretty solid reliable person, and I’m probably far too honest, and it seems as if with OLD there’s almost an expectation of inconsiderate behaviour. I’m not suggesting this particular woman has behaved in that way, I think there’s things going on in the background for her, and I really didn’t get the impression that she’s flighty or a player in any way and I’m usually pretty good at picking up on stuff, but it certainly does seem to be generally accepted in the OLD arena that people mess each other around. This is probably why I have second guessed myself, because despite my lack of OLD experience, I’m expecting and looking out for it.

And, for the record, I don’t think I come off like a man in any way. I too am rarely surprised at a poster’s sex and I can usually spot a male poster a mile off, especially when they’re being vague about what sex they are. I didn’t think to state that I’m female because if I was reading it would be immediately obvious.

I didn’t think to state that I’m female because if I was reading it would be immediately obvious

I don’t think you needed to state it anyway, but yes I thought it was immediately obvious. Not least because I don’t think many men would worry about whether they said the wrong thing in the scenario you described. 😊

So no, I don’t think it was your joke, I don’t think you said anything wrong, I think she just changed her mind. And didn’t think that she owed you a long explanation considering you are virtually a stranger. Nothing more nothing less.

I don’t understand the joke. Is it funny because the mansplainer was mansplaining about the puddle but actually it was a well and he fell in and drowned? Or is the joke that the person telling the joke is ´mansplaining’ by interrupting the sad thought of someone dying by explaining that actually it was more of a well? I’m lost. (Completely missing point of thread, sorry).

It’s ambiguous, it’s a play on words, and mansplainers, when speaking to women, are wont to exaggerate and embellish the exploits of other men to protect their own masculinity.

Oh so like ´Well actually, (insert mansplaining here)´ and also a making a well out of a puddle is making a mountain out of a molehill (but upsidedown). Thanks for the explanation. I never get jokes with puns in them.

I’m really sorry op. You sound like a lovely lady ( as I guessed you were) you did nothing wrong at all. I thought you were very nice. I do wish there were ladies like yourself, I sadly - never meet them either. I find people ghosting so rude, takes seconds too say sorry, nice meeting you etc. onwards and upwards, good luck with your search

I think deleting her off Facebook is really odd in such a short time span.

Maybe her dog just got run over. Maybe her mums been in a horrific accident or died. Maybe her child is ill or her ceiling just collapsed because of a leak.

All sorts of things could have happened but you haven't even given her a chance to see if that's the case. Your last message was unread - to be frank she could be ill or dead herself, you don't know.

If you really liked her it seems a shame and somewhat of a possible own goal to not give it chance to see what panned out.

It sounds like there’s stuff going on her end.
Honestly, it sucks but it also shouldn’t be that hard! And it sounds overly difficult already. Hopefully this was a lucky escape.

You probably did the right thing to unfriend her. Shouldn’t be drama so early on.

@Itwasntmeright

It’s ambiguous, it’s a play on words, and mansplainers, when speaking to women, are wont to exaggerate and embellish the exploits of other men to protect their own masculinity.

I know what mansplaining is, but I was another that didn’t (and still don’t) understand the joke. Not that it matters, just saying. 🙂

It wasn't you. The thing with OLD is that there is no context, the person is essentially a stranger with a whole life you know nothing about. There are millions of reasons why she might have decided not to go on date no.2. Best to try and just accept that you will never know! It is always a mystery.

I don’t think you did anything wrong- whether you were male or female ( not sure why posters think it makes a difference what sex you are.
I’d do the same as you and move on.