Is it exhausting being an older mum?

[LemonTang]

I have two DCs aged 9 and 8. A good career and I work full-time. I’m nearly 33.

I have a relatively new partner whom I think I will be with long term (so far, anyway). I was young when I had my children and I am thinking that realistically I’d be late thirties/ early forties if all went well and we chose to have children. I’d like to be married and know each other well.

It hit me today that I’m worried about having children at 40. I’m sure everyone is different so cannot tell me how tired or not I would be, but has anyone else had widely spaced children and can share the benefits and challenges of parenting over such a long period?

Probably being hopelessly naive here (and I am a teacher) but go on, hit me, what’s so awful / stressful about teens?

The constant worry and the utter powerlessness.

I think you’re focusing on the wrong question. It’s not about whether being an older mum is hard. It’s about why you feel the need to start a second family? Do you really want to go back to the baby stage when you have teens? How will your children feel? Why is your 30 year old boyfriend pursuing someone with children if he wants his own family?

But that isn’t something linked to the age of the mother, surely, @MsTSwift?

I guess - depends how peri menopause hits you. I feel very different in myself at 47 than I did at 42. Totally different outlook hard to explain. If I feel like this now dealing with teens in late 50s no thanks.

@BrambleRoses

Probably being hopelessly naive here (and I am a teacher) but go on, hit me, what’s so awful / stressful about teens?

The endless drama and worry. I feel completely unprepared for all of it and I was young having my own so it wasn’t that long ago that I was the teenager. It’s relentless.

YES YES YES!!!
It's been utterly exhausting for me.
I'm 46 with 2 primary school children and I'm perpetually tired. Height of career at same time.

It really is. And mine are both pretty good. You think everything’s ok then your 13 year old comes home in tears having been inexplicably thrown out of her friendship group sat on her own at lunch and walked home on her own. Cue misery for all…

I don't find my teens exhausting at all.

I don't lie awake worrying about them. I don't feel exhausted or powerless. There isn't endless drama. There's a lot of reward actually. They still need parenting, so it isn't a case of putting your feet up in your 50s. But there's nothing as exhausting as the sleepless nights you have when you have a young baby.

Just to throw another angle in (sorry if someone has already mentioned this and I've missed it), IME when your DCs become older teens / young adults there are lots of great opportunities to enjoy this new more grown up relationship with them. Think city break weekends away, different kinds of holidays that you couldn't do with children, comedy nights. It's genuinely been my favourite stage of being a parent. If you have small children in the mix, you'll miss all of that with your older ones. I would be really sad if I didn't have these lovely moments with my young adult DCs, especially knowing their lives will soon become much busier and we won't have as many chances.

The pregnancy itself was physically harder for me. The baby and toddler months were relaxed and a joy. I’m 46 now and have a 6 year old, 11 and 13 year olds, middle dc has very severe complex needs. I’m tired balancing teen moods, high needs, 6 year old like Velcro, work, home, and elderly parents 🤯. But, it is what it is, and every day I think myself blessed.

Hiya, I had children at 30,31,37and 38 (all girls!!); defo no more tired with the last two than the first two - the small age gaps were hard work both times but defo worth it have 2 ‘sets’ so to speak as they always have someone to play with when they’re not school age!

@MsTSwift

It really is. And mine are both pretty good. You think everything’s ok then your 13 year old comes home in tears having been inexplicably thrown out of her friendship group sat on her own at lunch and walked home on her own. Cue misery for all…

Yes yes to all of this! DD is currently in Yr9 and even the teachers tell us it’s the absolute worst year for drama.

I’m drinking my way through it

It’s not my teens that I find it exhausting (I actually find them easier than the primary school years). It’s the thought of having young children in my mid forties that makes me think ‘thank fuck I didn’t crack and have a last baby at 40’.

Re: teens. They bring a different kind of energy and different issues to the family. I really don’t want to be dealing with teenage bullshit at 57!

To the previous posters who say you feel very different as your 40s progress, YES! I just feel so past the sentimental, lovey duvvy kiddy stage. My patience is low. I want more for myself - more time, more enjoyment of things. I don’t want to hear a small person yelling for me to come and wipe their bum.

@BlackSatinBand
Exactly that😂

I was also wondering about the desire to have children with him? Is this something that one of you wants more than the other? If you were still with your ex would you be starting again? I personally know two women who have done this and for both it was very different second time around on a physical and emotional level- they were coping with a 19/20 year old and babies and they were both unable to shift the baby weight as they had done easily when they had their first. Both of them had the hassle of arranging childcare etc while still working full-time as teachers.

I was 35 when my first was born and 38 with the second.

When mine were babies/toddlers I didn't seem to be any more tired than my friends who had had DC younger had been ( most of my friends had their DC before they were 30 but I had fertility issues )

I am now almost 52 with a 13 and 16 year old and do 5km or 7km runs twice a week and go to the gym another two days a week. I'm fit and healthy.

I don't work though so don't have to factor a stressful job into my life.

The emotional stress of parenting teenagers , especially one with health issues ( physical and mental health ) is immense though and nothing could have prepared me for how hard that is. But I don't think my age is a factor in that. The running/gym helps keep me calm.

@BlackSatinBand...I am that woman, late 50's with teens, early 20's.

It is exhausting and they are good kids.

Still collecting and dropping despite being in a large urban setting, but doing it for peace of mind, especially at night.

I can't imagine how hard it would be if they had issues as well.

I'm late 30s and I think I fare better with the lack of sleep than a lot of the younger mums I know who seem to really struggle!

The only thing I would say it's don't assume it will be easy for you to have children later on life. Age is not the bar that it was once thought but it's a factor and even without that there are no guarantees.

@Itsnotdeep I feel the complete opposite to you! I'd take the early years of night time wakings and nappy changing and tantrums over the drama of teenagers any day.

I do have sleepless nights over my teenagers problems.

The difference for me is that with a baby there's usually something you can do to make things better ( not always I know)

Teenage issues are so complex and out of your control and just as you think one drama is over another one comes around the corner. And even when all is calm you are worrying about what's going to hit next. It's utterly exhausting!

We've had friendship issues ,bullying, eating disorders, self harm , social media nightmares, mental health issues , OCD , general anxiety. On top of one of them having a chronic health condition that was diagnosed when they were 12 and are still trying to get under control.

But this is all emotional stress for me rather than physical so me being in my 50's dealing with it all doesn't make it any more difficult.

I'm lucky @AngelsWithSilverWings that mine have been relatively ok through their teenage years - some minor mental health issues. (Still have dd9 to go and she's struggling a bit) . I had to go through a whole ASD journey when my ds1 was little which was very difficult. But really I found the lack of sleep and the relentless drudge, standing in cold parks, soft play shit, much harder than the emotional minefield of the teenage years.

Anyway, I had my last when I was 2 weeks of 42, and so far I haven't found it more exhausting then when I had my first at 28. I am fitter and stronger now, and look after myself better. I also have more power over my working life. On the downside, perimenopause and insomnia can be quite tiring!

@Itsnotdeep I think we can agree that parenting can be a bloody nightmare at any of the stages. My two are adopted as babies and I think I was just so in love with the idea of being a mum that those days in the park and at the soft play happened when I was just so grateful to finally be having those experiences after years of watching my friends doing all of those things with their kids.

My two were really quite easy babies and toddlers and we always joked that we'd pay for it in the teenager years and my gosh we were right.

I had my two at 36 and 38. It was tiring but survivable and of course I have nothing to compare it to.

I had my two at 39 and 40. They're 9 and 8 now. I'm absolutely fine!

But then I can't compare it to how I would have been had I been in my 20's.

I don't feel any different though now to how I did in my 20's - either physically or mentally. I'm fatter now thanks to child no2 but I'm still fit!

You sound old in your head now! It never even occurred to me to think i was 'old' At 32 I was still very much like an 18yr old !!

I chuckled when I saw how old you are. I have 4 DC ranging between 26 and 7. Had number 4 at 44, a week shy of 45. Since having kids i have always slept like a lizard, used to limited sleep and it was joyous having a suprise addition at nearly 45. I really made the most of my maternity leave, as I knew he was my last. Did all the kids clubs etc. I had no issue getting on with it, he is now 7 and I am the team manager for his local rugby team and I am busy busy. No issues at all.