Is it exhausting being an older mum?

[LemonTang]

I have two DCs aged 9 and 8. A good career and I work full-time. I’m nearly 33.

I have a relatively new partner whom I think I will be with long term (so far, anyway). I was young when I had my children and I am thinking that realistically I’d be late thirties/ early forties if all went well and we chose to have children. I’d like to be married and know each other well.

It hit me today that I’m worried about having children at 40. I’m sure everyone is different so cannot tell me how tired or not I would be, but has anyone else had widely spaced children and can share the benefits and challenges of parenting over such a long period?

In my experience with a range of mum friends of different ages the tiredness comes with number of dc regardless of age 😆. Having said that some of dd1's fries have significantly older parents who seem full of life. This seems to go alongside the ability to drop hours as they are more financially secure. Basically working and juggling dc is hard and gets harder the more balls there are to juggle

Everyone’s different but I and most friends found late 40s very different to early 40s. As your hormones change you become less lovey dovey. I would feel sorry for any young child having me as a mother at 47 whilst at 42 I felt quite different. Hard to explain.

I also now have the added problems of elderly parent's with health issues and teenage angst....coupled with 2 stressful careers... and looking at menopause coming down the tracks...I'm hoping to move to a part time role in the future...I also daycdream about running away for a few weeks!

It's also having teens in your 50's!

I definitely think having children in your 40's is exhausting.

As for going back to the baby stage when your girls are 15+?

Think long and hard about it.

Primarily it would be a massive shock for you.
Completely life changing.

I had mine at 34 and 38, worked full time too. I was knackered but no more than anyone else, I still had the energy to get to the top of the climbing frame in the park, lol. I'm 54 now and have 20 &16 yo. I'm perfectly fine and can cope with the whole teenage stuff etc.

Hi. I had my first at 30, second at 32 and last one at 40.
I haven’t found the experience any more difficult being older - you know what you’re doing, you’re less influenced by other mums (keeping up with the Jones’ / panicking about your child not meeting milestones etc).
What I would say though is that the teenage years have been & are very hard. My elder two were lovely little girls, really well behaved and sweet but turned into demons once the hormones hit! My 7 year is also really good but I’m under no illusions that once her hormones kick in that I’ll be in for an easy ride (I’ll probably be in the dark depths of menopause then too).
Don’t worry about your age and having a child but prepare yourself for the teenage years instead. Good luck anyway

Teenagers can be mentally exhausting so you need to factor in 1. You'd have teens and babies at the same time and 2. You'd be parenting teens when you're nearly 60.
Still if your partner is also a fit, healthy 30-something, shouldn't be a problem as men always share 50% of the load ... don't they???

I'm 40, have a 4 nearly 5 year old fast asleep upstairs and a 4 day old (!) snoozing on me right now.
I don't know how it feels to have babies young, so have nothing to compare it with, I'm tired, so very tired, but I would not change one thing. :)

All benefits, no challenges. Totally fine and easy, I've found.

I had dd at 35 and 37. First few years were tiring but ok. Now I'm 45 and dc are 8 and 10 and I'm more tired, and find it emotionally stessful not just the physical side. All my 40something mum friends are knackered - maybe cos we're also dealing with perimenopause and ageing parents.

I don't think I would deliberately wait until late 30s.

Assuming you wait until 40, that’s 7/8 years so your children will be 15/16. In full on GCSE/ A levels mode.
You will also have complete freedom after years of school runs/ holidays/ inset days/ children being sick etc.

I personally wouldn’t think about the physical side of having a baby at 40. I would think about doing the gruelling baby/ toddler/ primary school years all over again. And tying myself up for another 11 years in childcare. A crying baby with teens going through critical exams.

Personally? (And my exp was desperate for an our baby) I couldn’t do it. And with a pre teen / teen I am so glad I didn't. Life is great without school runs/ nannies etc.

Echoing what others have said, in your shoes I wouldn't want anymore kids.

I was your age when I had my first. I had both of mine in two years and my youngest will be 7 soon. I'm 41 and the idea of having another child and going back to the baby stage again brings me out in a cold sweat. I just couldn't do it!

After a 10 Yr gap I had dc3. Benefits are that I'm more relaxed and that makes such a difference. I don't sweat the small stuff and just plod along and enjoy it.
I do really miss not having time to myself, and feel permanently exhausted, no social life. My friends were all done years ago so it's quite isolating in that aspect.

I had three children in 4.5 years from nearly 36 to 40. No idea if it would have been as tiring if younger, but it certainly was crushing sometimes. Was just those first few years that were bad though and that's mainly the very close ages I think.

I took up horse riding at 50 when my 8 year old started! I am fitter now than I was at 30, when I had to go to bed every day after work because I was so tired.

One at 31, one at 38. I'm exhausted this time round. Coffees don't cut it like the first time!

Nope just the same. Last baby at 40

Personally cannot comprehend how anyone could “go back” after such a gap and moving onto the teen stage. Would be literally my idea of hell tbh and I really enjoyed my dds childhoods.

I always think that’s the difference on these threads. Those of us who are first time mums and old don’t mind. Those who had their first baby at around 30 are horrified! But then younger mums who had theirs at around 20 always think 30 is old!

You just have to do what’s right for you.

Had mine at 37 and 40. Baby years were fine, I doubt dd would have slept any better if I was younger.

Waiting up on a Friday night to pick up teenagers is tiring though!

32, 41 and 43. Last 2 with a different partner. I think the extra tiredness is the gap between the youngest as I was full of beans when DS1 was born. I have more patience, my older DC is a great help, loves the little ones, wants to help around the house (sometimes) and I'm less concerned about what I might be missing out on socially. Definitely more laid back and less likely to stress about things too. Also in a vastly better relationship which makes a huge difference.

I'm about to turn 40 and have a 1.5 year old and a 4.5 year old. I also work four days a week. I'm very tired but also it's amazing how quickly you adapt. I haven't had more than 5 hours sleep in over four years and it's mostly fine. Obviously I'd love to just go away for a weekend and sleep the whole time, but I do realise this will pass!

I had my children in my late 20s/early 30s, and had a wobble around 39/40 about having one more. We decided against, for practical reasons, but at the time I could easily have done the whole pregnancy and babies thing again, I think. I was healthy, fit, and didn’t feel any different at 40 to how I did at 30.

However, fast forward to 45, a parent to teens and perimenopausal with some health issues thrown in…and fucking hell, the thought of a pre-schooler or primary aged child now and all the absolute donkey work involved is horrifying! Then the thought of dealing with teens well into my 50s? No. NO. Not for me.

50 is a very different place, psychologically and physically, to 40. So do think about how you want your 50s & 60s to be before you have a baby at 40.

Absolutely blacksand can totally relate to all you have said. Late 40s most women I know feel very different to how we felt in our early 40s.

My DM had me and my DB in her early 20s and then had my DSis when she was mid-40s and whilst she loves her she said she wouldn’t recommend doing it after such a long time, especially when she’d had a few years of us being independent.

My GP are obviously much older now - in their 80s and 90s and if it wasn’t for me, they’d have no support for childcare and the like. My GP did a lot for me and my cousins when they were younger but they absolutely couldn’t now.