Why are there so many strange men on dating apps?

[IcyWinterWonderland]

Hi everyone
I recently tried a dating app and I noticed there were so many strange men on there. I am by no means saying that everyone who uses dating apps are weird- I met a couple of nice guys on there too. I went on a few dates and there was just something not right about most of them. I have also read so many horror stories about men on online dating and awful dates. Why are there so many odd people on dating apps?

I've heard some pretty funny stories from male friends about the weird women on OLD.
So I'd say the strangeness probably isn't unique to the men.

[quote MeSanniesareBrannies]@curmudgeonly007 I don’t think ‘grandad’ was intended as an insult, to be honest.

And, that’s interesting. Most of the studies around this show that men tend to skew much younger on dating apps, while women set their parameters at around their own age (so similar to what you’ve done). But, I think most of the research is now a few years old, so perhaps things have changed.[/quote]
I would say just so based on my personal experience, I know men get slammed on this site for going younger, but I would say women do exactly the same, (maybe to a lesser degree).
I have an certainly feeling that after turning 50.
I think that if a woman who is say 48!was looking at 2 guys, one say 45 and one 52, they would unconsciously go younger.
I also get the feeling (reading this forum), that around 50 is a kinda seen as ‘best before’ age for men, and anyone over that is seen as old, needy and probably has ED or is just looking for a nurse maid, (as alluded to on this thread),
I was thinking about having one more go this year, but don’t think I’ll bother now.

@Gilda152

Well I met DH on Tinder and he is 6 years younger than me. I was early 40's him later 30's when we met.

I can't quite remember but I must have set my search at probably 37 - 47 I reckon. So I know from personal experience it's not just men who look at younger.

I also know of several (very successful) relationships where the age gap ranges from 5 to 12 years - all with the women being the older one. Maybe there's something in that.

I was 44 when I hit the apps, my age range was 30-45. 90 percent of women I dated were under 40. Mrs. Hr is 12 yrs younger than me.

Men and women blame each other for online dating issues, I think both parties have expectations way, way, way out of kilter with reality.

@JenniferWildlay

According to research done by my son, dating sites are a poor place for men (heterosexual men). Women rate only about 15% of them as worthy of notice. So the same group of men is getting most of the female attention. Meanwhile, women have lots more opportunities they don't feel much interest in. No different to the old dance halls maybe?

How does it feel to have a son who is a red piller?

@MeSanniesareBrannies I most certainly did not!

@Ghastlyghoul

curmudgeonly 007 I'm not looking for younger men. I would just like to meet a few around my age who are interesting, not just after a shag , not disconcertingly strange or still living in the 1950s and wanting a cook, cleaner and laundry maid. I wonder if it's generally harder to find someone compatible over 50 (or in my case 60) or whether we have just been unlucky so far.

I have no answers The only thing I can say is that when I in was in my later 40s I was getting more matches and responses on OLD, now I’m in my early 50’s it’s like bloody tumbleweed, and I’m not physically much different. All pretty depressing really, and the only thing I can think of to account for this is the big ‘Five 0’ mark I have now crossed & women my age are looking for younger guys now 🤷🏼‍♂️

I did read your other post as well about all older men being pathetic etc, I don’t think I’m pathetic, but I would say that of course…

curmudgeonly. I hate to stereotype so can only say that the men I’ve met so far on OLD have often had an air of patheticness (not a word) about them. I hope there are a good number of women out there who aren’t limiting their searches to younger men only and you’ve just not stumbled across one another yet.

@Ghastlyghoul
Thanks, hopefully you will find someone less pathetic!

Men and women blame each other for online dating issues, I think both parties have expectations way, way, way out of kilter with reality.

I'd agree with that.

A lot of men are looking for a docile and compliant swimwear model half their age. And most women are looking for someone loyal who will love them for who they are.

@GreyCarpet

From speaking to my male friends, there are a lot of strange women on dating apps too.

But i think its for different reasons.

Women are often left with the children when a relationship ends so have less opportunity to socialise. For them, it's a convenient way to meet someone. But there are a lot of emotionally vulnerable and damaged women doing online dating. They come across as 'strange' to decent men - poor boundaries, needy, odd expectations... I know a few women who fall into these categories.

Men are strange quite often because not strange men have opportunities to meet women in the real world through socialising, hobbies and work. Often men who resort to online dating can have odd ideas about what women 'should be'; social communication difficulties or are just common or garden wankers rather no one would touch with a barge pole.

I know a few men doing online dating. Some of them are clueless; some are plagued with feelings of inadequacy and entitlement; some are decent; some are incredibly sexist and have a long list of things they won't accept a woman doing and some are just decent men who are looking for a decent woman. The latter are in the minority.

I think you need an open mind and thick skin.

I understand the points you make but I'm not sure this is really on one sex or.the other.

I kind of assume OLD is more for introverted people or those with a specific reason for not being able to meet others more naturally. Having said.that OLD does seem to be generally where 'it's at' these days.

For all the short comings I'd have been stuck without it the past few years.

How does it feel to have a son who is a red piller?

I think that comment is bit harsh, there is quite good published evidence that an average looking/ average educated man won’t do very well on OLD and and would probably be better off trying to find someone IRL.

If you read the economics of dating Thesis by Dan McMurtie , he suggests that women are dominant position in dating and the dating market value of “mr average”, is basically nothing.

I find the responses on these sorts of posts really interesting. Particularly the stuff about introversion and ‘not being able to meet people naturally’, etc.

I’ve concluded that this is a geographical thing and, to a certain extent, an age thing. If you’re a single professional in your 20’s or 30’s in London, and you’re not on a dating app, then you’re in the minority. Nothing to do with introversion v extroversion, and it doesn’t mean you’re not still going out and meeting people. Apps are just one of the standard dating routes and how are least half of the people I know met their partners. We’re all very open about this.

As such, I never found apps to be slim pickings. Everyone was on there, so the ratio of weirdos to normal guys was pretty similar to real life in my experience.

However, if I lived somewhere where dating apps were not firmly mainstream and people were still weird about the whole thing (there’s a throwback mindset that not meeting irl is somehow ‘shameful’, I find this genuinely baffling), I can imagine things being much trickier.

Oh crap, why can’t you edit the posts on this forum

Here is the link
gallery.mailchimp.com/2506bda6ca9a8b7ce8b3c54b4/files/1a8cc94c-6198-4f3d-b27d-8a6060ed6c5d/Tyro_Dating_Market_Thesis_Final_For_Twitter_Pub_v2.pdf
Basically women have the power in dating and men are worthless

@curmudgeonly007 So, this basically says that women are longer terrified.

“Setting aside local and recent context, dating has historically been drastically riskier for women than men (and it still is, but less so). Physical safety has been an ever-present issue for women in meeting potential dates, not to mention after agreeing to be alone with them on a date. In the era of online dating, women are at significantly less risk simply by not being in the immediate proximity of their prospects, and rejecting a prospect has no downside risk. Women globally also have more upside potential because they can draw from larger prospect pools than ever before. Due to the significantly higher biological risks associated with reproduction, women are intrinsically far more selective when evaluating potential mates than males. In an online dating context, this selectivity is more apparent than ever, with significant knock-on effects for the rest of the culture. There is less pressure to "settle" than at any other time in modern history because of the availability of alternatives and the speed of interactions.“

Also, according to this, the patriarchal age dynamics are still very much at play. Women ‘age out’. Men do not.

“Women aged 18-25 are the effective “price setters” of the market and are able to select at will from the available inventory of males aged 18-60. Generally, women will only date older and men will only date younger. Thus, as women age from 20 to 30 years of age, 25% of the available inventory of potential mates evaporates. In addition to this, the rates of partnership for both genders is fastest between 20 and 35, going from 50% to 90%. This means that as female market participants move from age 20 to age 35 their available inventory to select from may shrink to a small minority of the original pool. Male market participants face a virtually unchanged opportunity set, if not an increasing pool of opportunities.”

Reading that paper and coming to the conclusion that it proves ‘basically women have the power in dating and men are worthless’ is some pretty extreme confirmation bias and comes across as quite red pill, I’m afraid.

@curmudgeonly007

How does it feel to have a son who is a red piller?

I think that comment is bit harsh, there is quite good published evidence that an average looking/ average educated man won’t do very well on OLD and and would probably be better off trying to find someone IRL.

If you read the economics of dating Thesis by Dan McMurtie , he suggests that women are dominant position in dating and the dating market value of “mr average”, is basically nothing.

Yep, much as I wish it wasn’t true as I’ve no time for that Red Pill bollocks whatsoever, this stems from research published by the OLD sites themselves, which was reported in mainstream media rather than anonymous conspiracy posts on 4Chan. That said, personally I think it largely happens because of the limitations of OLD rather than it being caused by whatever gender you are.

@MeSanniesareBrannies
I would disagree with you,( naturally) and say that for online dating, women certainly have the “economic power”, to pick and choose from a larger pool of men, so I think a lot of “average” men would just do better IRL, getting to know someone over a longer period of time.
In fact I think I’m going to take my own advice, as I’m pretty average and quit OLD and try and meet someone IRL as OLD just isn’t working for me.

Oh just remembered another freak haha. He started off the conversation normal and then asked what my hobbies are.
I told him. Then he asked whether I enjoy wrestling and whether I would like to try wresting with him. Erm, nope!

[quote curmudgeonly007]@MeSanniesareBrannies
I would disagree with you,( naturally) and say that for online dating, women certainly have the “economic power”, to pick and choose from a larger pool of men, so I think a lot of “average” men would just do better IRL, getting to know someone over a longer period of time.
In fact I think I’m going to take my own advice, as I’m pretty average and quit OLD and try and meet someone IRL as OLD just isn’t working for me.[/quote]
You’re not disagreeing with me, though. You’re disagreeing with the paper that you yourself provided.

I’ve been OLDing intermittently since 2018. Im mid-40s and a single parent. I can say without hesitation that Guardian Soulmates had a higher proportion of decent men than the current apps. I am extremely picky about who I swipe right on and who I will take time out for a date. I haven’t received any dick pics. I’d say most of the guys have been decent, with the weirdos rearing their ugly heads a lot more since lockdown ended. Two notable recent experiences: met a guy for a walk. He was perfectly affable, well-mannered, engaging. Later in the evening, he messaged to ask if I used a vibrator (v senior partner at a City law firm). Second guy sought me out on SM after a I blocked him. That was very unpleasant.

I haven’t met anyone who I wanted a relationship with - they were either emotionally unavailable, deeply insecure, needy. Most were decent and outnumbered the weird experiences.

I have totally tempered my expectations to just meeting people who I wouldn’t in ordinary life (rather than seeking love). Low risk, low reward. If something comes of it, great; if not, no loss. So, my default position is to not expect anything but be very careful with who I meet.

My situation now is that I’ve matched with someone really quite lovely physically (gorgeous is an understatement for this chap), intellectually, and in terms of his manners (eg apologized for not replying sooner to a message - I expect guys to vanish, and so this was refreshing). We are in a very similar field, and he has suggested a date as our conversations via messaging have been interesting. He will travel a couple of hours into London to see me. I’m not getting excited as he could cancel/vanish at any point before the date.

So, yes OLD is shit but I think if you do it with a level of detachment and low expectations, you may chance upon someone decent. I used to get annoyed but I see it as one of other potential avenues to meet someone.

That paper doesn't take into consideration that for older women, most have been married. They know the reality of it and it isn't desirable.
Freedom of living your life without looking after an entitled male is more valuable to women. So it isn't that there are slim pickings for women. They just can't be bothered.

Then you have older men who will do anyone with a pulse.

@RantyAunty I’m inclined to agree with you. I think it would be nice to have a man in my life, but as one of many other great things I fill my time with. Having been married to a man-child who checked out of family life once our child was born, it has been exhilarating to be rid of him and find myself again. I miss companionship and touch from a man with whom I have a bond, but my life is good. Having dated a few single fathers, quite a few come across as broken, whereas I think women are a lot more resilient (sure, it takes time and some soul searching to get there).

@RantyAunty

That paper doesn't take into consideration that for older women, most have been married. They know the reality of it and it isn't desirable. Freedom of living your life without looking after an entitled male is more valuable to women. So it isn't that there are slim pickings for women. They just can't be bothered.

Then you have older men who will do anyone with a pulse.

The older women just like the older men are making an identical complaint. No one is interested in them after a certain age-especially on apps with a visual-only format. I do think women don't understand what men value, so money, career, and beautiful kids aren't as highly valued as the triad of Beauty-age-no children. And an older man or a savvy man will sniff out implied misandry from a mile away. If people cannot be bothered why use the apps, it's a false dichotomy used to cover up repeated rejection.