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Why are there so many strange men on dating apps?

97 replies

IcyWinterWonderland · 05/02/2022 19:44

Hi everyone
I recently tried a dating app and I noticed there were so many strange men on there. I am by no means saying that everyone who uses dating apps are weird- I met a couple of nice guys on there too. I went on a few dates and there was just something not right about most of them. I have also read so many horror stories about men on online dating and awful dates. Why are there so many odd people on dating apps?

OP posts:
IcyWinterWonderland · 06/02/2022 15:03

@Abbo552 Perhaps so, but I am certainly not desperate nor the lowest of the low.

OP posts:
Londontown12 · 06/02/2022 15:07

Wow !! My son is on a dating app he has his own business very popular socially but all the girls who contact him then bail out on him day of date being arranged! So it’s not just men it’s both !!

Cheekypeach · 06/02/2022 15:08

@Hairobsessed123

Wow !! My son is on a dating app he has his own business very popular socially but all the girls who contact him then bail out on him day of date being arranged! So it’s not just men it’s both !!
And from that broad and non-biased study, how could we conclude otherwise?
Knutface · 06/02/2022 15:20

This is why it is imperative to meet in a public place on the first date and not give out any personal details (such as address) before meeting. I don’t mind meeting social awkward men, but there is always the worry that you could be meeting a rapist, psycho etc. I’ve been lucky so far, although I’ve met a few odd balls none of them have been scary.

WhiteFawn · 06/02/2022 15:56

Well OP, I was just thinking the same. In fact, as I'm under the "14 day limit" I'm going to try and get a refund from the dating site I recently joined. Though I'm late middle-age, so perhaps its worse now!

Some of the profiles - indeed when they bother to write them - are distinctly "red flag" odd and they seem to have no self-awareness. I also realise nearly all the contacts I've heard from are "try ons" - a short, generic message where they clearly haven't bothered to read my profile even. I guess they hope if they contact 100 women at least 2 will take the bait!

And, as another woman said, one must be also be careful of the too canny profiles. I saw a previous short-term boyfriend of mine on a recent dating app. Quite a good profile actually. Obviously well-thought out. I saw what he valued most - "honesty" he wrote. How I laughed. He was a complete nut-job, definitely Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I'd never heard of it till I met him and had to try and work out what the H was wrong with him).

So, yes agree OP.

OLD is a minefield. There are still a few OK guys on there (I imagine!) but I see weirdness and red flags almost everywhere, at least in terms of a relationship with a woman.

In conclusion, think you have to have a very clear sense of who you are and your own self-worth to do OLD, or you will have repeated experiences of meeting very unfortunate or unpleasant men. I think lots of nice, intelligent women don't have that clarity and so going into OLD is like going into the bull ring without protection.

I think you also have to be very careful with safety, including all your where you live, work, etc. IME you have to be very sensitively choosy in fact. Even though in many ways I'm a "give people the benefit of the doubt kinda person" I have had to really balance this with facts people have written about themselves and the photos they put up (e.g. photos mixed in of when they were clearly alot "younger" are a complete no-no now).

IcyWinterWonderland · 06/02/2022 16:05

Oh, something else that I hate is why they put on their profile that they are looking for a relationship but they are actually just after a shag Hmm

OP posts:
IcyWinterWonderland · 06/02/2022 16:07

@WhiteFawn So true. I can often see just by looking at their profile and reading their description that they are not so nice.

OP posts:
IcyWinterWonderland · 06/02/2022 16:10

@Tryagainplease
To be honest, I met weirdos on both bumble and tinder. I would say there about the same number of weirdos on both of those sites

OP posts:
WhiteFawn · 06/02/2022 16:28

To be honest, if you are going to use OLD I think its best to leave a profile up a long time, not bother contacting men (let them do the work and the choosing as I suspect lots of men will try anyone who shows interest first even if their interest is lukewarm!). That way you get to get on with your life, have little stake in the OLD, but are "there" should anything transpire!

WhiteFawn · 06/02/2022 19:09

re. Photos - that’s not even including the selfies taken with sunglasses on in their cars. Looking much like low-rent hitmen from 80s episodes of Minder Grin! We all have blind spots of course, but the almost total lack of self awareness I find mind boggling at times.

curmudgeonly007 · 06/02/2022 19:22

@WhiteFawn

re. Photos - that’s not even including the selfies taken with sunglasses on in their cars. Looking much like low-rent hitmen from 80s episodes of Minder Grin! We all have blind spots of course, but the almost total lack of self awareness I find mind boggling at times.
I see lots of this on female profiles, lots of sunglasses, sun hats, ski goggles etc ,
WhiteFawn · 06/02/2022 19:35

I haven't got a problem with sunglasses per se, or sun hats, though ski goggles in a sole picture would be strange ... also my post is meant to be humourous!

RantyAunty · 06/02/2022 19:45

It might be how boys are raised. Playing games and on a screen so they don't develop social skills.
Absent fathers so no one to guide them on becoming decent men.
Overindulgence. Not taught empathy or caring for anyone else.

greasyshoes · 06/02/2022 19:56

@RantyAunty

Do you have any evidence that men with a history of "playing games and on a screen" are not decent men?

Mermaidwaves · 06/02/2022 20:10

There are definitely a high number of horrible, strange men on there, mainly men who get a thrill sending dirty pics and messages that they wouldn't dare to in real life. They are awful themselves but have very unrealistic ideas as to who they want to date.

I don't think this applies to women though. I've had a nose through a male friends profile and the quality of women seems much higher. I dont know why this is? Perhaps women are more likely to be limited when going out to meet someone due to childcare issues so have to resort to OLD?

From the decent men I know in real life they tend to get snapped up quickly, unlike myself and some other female friends who seem to find it much harder to meet someone in real life.

There do seem to be deprepancies from my own experiences, obviously I can't generalise. The dating world does seem to favour men right now, I would be interested to hear if other people have found it different?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 06/02/2022 20:37

Personally I think if you're struggling to get a date on an app there's an issue with the way you're presenting yourself and expectations.

Apps are popular and not just full of men with social anxiety etc .😂😂😂
I used them as a bit of fun to meet different people from across the country and abroad nothing to do with being anti social or weird.😂😂

Sonaftersonafterson · 06/02/2022 21:02

They're not all weird!!! Not at all. Sure, a huge chunk are just after sex but theres loads of nice guys too. You have to be patient! X

Gilda152 · 06/02/2022 21:03

Why are there so many strange men on dating apps ? There isn't. There's a tiny proportion of truly 'strange' men and women on apps, as there are in life. Everything else is strange behaviour in an unnatural environment and what suits you won't suit someone else. It's not hard to work out is it.

In your case OP, the guy came to the date, sounds like he immediately wasn't feeling it and wanted to leave (for whatever reason) and was clumsy/rude in his response to your query. He's of course entitled to leave whenever he wants.

The second guy, I'm bemused by - he just said to you that you had to pay for both of you , out of nowhere? His behaviour sounds incredibly rude,but not particularly strange,unless there's more of a story to it.

curmudgeonly007 · 06/02/2022 21:03

@Mermaidwaves

There are definitely a high number of horrible, strange men on there, mainly men who get a thrill sending dirty pics and messages that they wouldn't dare to in real life. They are awful themselves but have very unrealistic ideas as to who they want to date.

I don't think this applies to women though. I've had a nose through a male friends profile and the quality of women seems much higher. I dont know why this is? Perhaps women are more likely to be limited when going out to meet someone due to childcare issues so have to resort to OLD?

From the decent men I know in real life they tend to get snapped up quickly, unlike myself and some other female friends who seem to find it much harder to meet someone in real life.

There do seem to be deprepancies from my own experiences, obviously I can't generalise. The dating world does seem to favour men right now, I would be interested to hear if other people have found it different?

I have found quite a lot of female profiles to be pretty awful, but maybe mens are generally even worse ?

But I have found that now I’m over 50 women aren’t really interested in me anymore, and that’s a bit depressing

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 06/02/2022 21:05

Do men think the women on dating apps are the lowest of low or desperate or something?

As a guy whos tried it, not at all! That said, after a couple of tries and a couple of dates (both pleasant, but mutually agreed no "spark") I've decided its not currently for me and I'll take my chances in the real world.

Part of the reason is as others have said: anyone can write anything on there, and how are you going to know otherwise until you meet up? Men are expected to make the first approach, so I know I'll have a lot of competition - not only from ordinary men but also those willing to say whatever's needed, whether truthful or not, to gain an advantage. Now, its for others to judge if I'm a weirdo or a catch, but whichever my odds are not good. Added to which there's the added pressure and expectation of "wowing" someone on the first date, when all my best relationships have been from getting to know someone more slowly (the "love at first sight" ones have generally all ended up toxic down the line).

So it just makes more sense to aim to try real life social channels and keep my fingers crossed, than spend time on money on something that doesn't presonally offer me much return on investment.

curmudgeonly007 · 06/02/2022 21:10

@RantyAunty

It might be how boys are raised. Playing games and on a screen so they don't develop social skills. Absent fathers so no one to guide them on becoming decent men. Overindulgence. Not taught empathy or caring for anyone else.
I would say absent Fathers and lack of strong role models is more of an issue than screen time.
Toloveandtowork · 06/02/2022 21:13

I think it mirrors real life in a way. Lots of good, sensible, fun women and too few good quality men.

earsup · 06/02/2022 21:21

I gave up after chatting to about 5 men......wanted sex while wearing the ex wives or gf's underwear.....they wanted to wear it....!!

IcyWinterWonderland · 06/02/2022 21:23

@earsup OMG Shock

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 06/02/2022 21:25

From speaking to my male friends, there are a lot of strange women on dating apps too.

But i think its for different reasons.

Women are often left with the children when a relationship ends so have less opportunity to socialise. For them, it's a convenient way to meet someone. But there are a lot of emotionally vulnerable and damaged women doing online dating. They come across as 'strange' to decent men - poor boundaries, needy, odd expectations... I know a few women who fall into these categories.

Men are strange quite often because not strange men have opportunities to meet women in the real world through socialising, hobbies and work. Often men who resort to online dating can have odd ideas about what women 'should be'; social communication difficulties or are just common or garden wankers rather no one would touch with a barge pole.

I know a few men doing online dating. Some of them are clueless; some are plagued with feelings of inadequacy and entitlement; some are decent; some are incredibly sexist and have a long list of things they won't accept a woman doing and some are just decent men who are looking for a decent woman. The latter are in the minority.

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