Would you consider this? Co-parenting offer

[Peachtoiletpaper]

I have been dating several years, mid 30s, really want a family and husband/ life partner. OLD and hobbies are going nowhere fast. I'm getting plenty of interest and dates, including numerous short relationships, but nothing works out. I think I may be too picky but am not sure I can just settle if I don't feel a spark. I'm really regretting a short relationship going wrong a couple of months ago but that's done now.

Anyway, a real priority for me is children and I am aware that I don't have decades to make this happen. If things were different I would consider sperm donation but I can't afford this as I am retraining on a demanding course and don't see how I would raise a baby alone well on this path. What I really want is the whole thing. I suppose I started retraining partly as I thought 'I am still single and child free and had might as well get as much fulfillment as I can elsewhere'.

However, a male friend has approached me about co-parenting. This has got me thinking. He's an ex-OLD match I didn't feel a spark with so has become a friend of a few years' standing now. He is a wonderful man, just not quite right for me romantically. He would like kids but is not having any luck meeting the right woman.

He is happy us being friends although he has said he would be interested in more, if I every changed my mind. This muddies the waters slightly compared to if he had no interest whatsoever.

He is a good man, kind, intelligent and caring. He has a very well paid, offshore job. He has offered to set me up in a small house bought in my name, with childcare and financial contributions. He would come and see the child/ren when not offshore, and at an appropriate age, take them to stay with him. He has family who would be involved too. He and his family live a few hours from me (all in the UK).

He mentioned his DM coming to stay with me for some time when the hypothetical baby was born, which put me right off if I'm honest, as I don't know her. I think this may be indicative of a wider cultural difference as in his background, families are much more involved than in mine.

We didn't discuss conception much but I don't think he would be expecting it to be the 'natural' way.

I dunno. I might be getting to the point of considering this. There's no pressure on his end, we have just discussed it.

I have had good advice on here in the past. Does it sound like a good/ terrible idea? At least I could potentially have a child/ children with someone I trust and some help with the practical difficulties. But maybe I have time yet and should just alter my dating approach or persevere?

Thanks for reading.

Imagine finding out you are pregnant-would you feel happy or panicked and trapped? That’s how I sometimes try and make decisions. No one knows what’s right for you, but if it helps in my case I did lots of OLD before meeting my partner at 36 and having our baby at 39. In my case I knew that if I didn’t have a baby with a partner I’d prefer to adopt and that took the time pressure off me a bit as my biological clock was less relevant. Good luck with whatever you decide on.

Sounds very cold and business-like. This is a human being you're talking about raising not choosing a time-share apartment

wishing I think I would be happy. I needed to do a pregnancy test after my last relationship ended, for medical reasons, and remember thinking, although that went tits up, and the circumstances would be very difficult, I would be happy if it was positive. I am very independent though and the idea of being tied to someone else for so long in such a slightly detached way is an odd one to me.

AlternativelyWired I hear you. That is just me trying to lay out the facts quite baldly to ask for opinions though, I assure you the last thing i would feel towards a child would be cold.

Families come in all shapes and sizes that's not the problem. The conception and subsequent pregnancy will be a business transaction moreover.
I would just be careful as once he's on the birth certificate, if he turns against you, that's it.. He will have parental rights.
If I was you, I'd explore donor insemination if having children is such a priority.

Sorry but it sounds like a terrible idea to me. Mainly because of this….

“ He is happy us being friends although he has said he would be interested in more, if I every changed my mind. This muddies the waters slightly compared to if he had no interest whatsoever.”

If it was purely a friend, who had no interest in you, then I’d feel differently. Also the aspect of him “setting you up in a house” rings alarm bells. Are you sure he’s not just doing this as a round about way to end up in a relationship with you.

Also would you need his financial support to afford the child or would you manage without if you needed to?

I’d consider it. The only thing I’d want to discuss with him is what happens if you meet someone else and get married. How does he feel about that? You’re not signing up to be single forever. That needs to be written down and signed and a contract for parental responsibility?

No I wouldn’t consider this - simply because he wants more than you and I don’t think he’s thought this through properly and he thinks you’ll get closer, get pregnant and then end up together.
I would worry about what would happen if that didn’t happen.

I would rather be a single parent then co- parent with someone who had opposing views to me.

The part that worries me is that he would be interested in a relationship if you were. I think for it to work it needs to be 100% platonic kn both sides.

Rather than sperm donation, have you considered freezing some of your eggs? Then that would relieve some of the pressure of meeting the right person for you

I saw that you aren't prepared to go it alone, but have you considered freezing your eggs or even better getting frozen embryos with a sperm donor (much better success rates). And eggs or embryos would be there as an insurance policy (while you're retraining).

Other people's dating/relationship success stories doesn't really mean much/anything to you other than it can happen, and you already know that. Fertility is finite and you don't know what yours is until you actually start trying to conceive. Have you had any fertility tests done so far? To see where you stand?

I'm a single mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor) and I had my treatment last year and gave birth recently to a bay boy, but I was in your shoes, a bit older, and feeling extremely disappointed by OLD/relationships in general.

If you'd like to explore co parenting further, I'd advise you to seek legal advice from a qualified professional and then have a further discussion with your friend. You should both be involved in setting up terms and conditions of this arrangement. I know you said you don't want to do it alone, but realistically speaking all women need to be prepared that they might end up single parents, so at least being protected financially and legally would be beneficial. Unfortunately people say and 'promise' all sorts of things but you want his words 'ring fenced' legally, he shouldn't have an issue drawing up a contract if is he is serious about doing this. What happens of one of you meets a partner later on? There's lots to consider.

It's not a bad idea per se you just need to understand what it is that you might be entering. Personally i didn't consider it as I'm too much of a control freak and wanted things my way plus I wouldn't feel comfortable /wouldn't trust their parenting style with another person who wasn't my romantic partner.

He's not really offering to "co-parent", is he? Co-fund, yes, but there seems to be little interest in or opportunity for hands-on parenting.

There's way too many red flags - wanting a relationship, seeing you up in a house (beholden to him even if in your name), his mother staying and his family being involved, without him there to act as a buffer. Is he off-shore somewhere where he could take the child and not return him/her?

I think a platonic co-parenting arrangement could work, but this one has too many strings attached.

Yes, the family involvement is raising my hackles somewhat. I don't think he would be taking any kids overseas so I don't think that would be a problem. It's just a lot of involvement from frankly someone I don't love, vs a possible easier solution for the children and me

I think this sounds awful. The whole set up sounds really weird. Maybe just use his sperm and set yourself up in a house etc - why do you need him to do this?

Also, when you say mid 30s are we taking 33 or 37?

Apart at the start where, due to culture, you could have his family to support you - weird as unknown- it sounds like a 100% you looking after DC deal and he will just pop by to visit (but more to see you in reality). Very bad idea, it's not even a good thing to be friends with someone who fancies you.

This is a very bad idea for many reasons. First of all it doesn't sound like you have the time or financial stability to have a child/children.

By relying on this 'friend' you're putting yourself over a barrel. What if it all goes wrong and you need to manage on your own? What if he expects a bit more than just co-parenting - which it sounds like he does. If he is overseas how much practical help is he really going to be? Plus the whole unknown family just descending on you just screams bad idea. And this is not what you want...you say you want a family, life partner etc. If you have a baby with this guy you're not particularly interested in it's going to be much much harder to achieve. Just don't.

I think the idea of co-parenting in general is not a bad one at all, if you are on the same page.

In this scenario, way, way too many red flags. I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole. He wants a relationship with you, he wants his mum involved while he is away, he wants to buy you a house (which could control you). Imagine you meeting somebody new, will he still be happy to have purchased you a house for your new man to move in? Will his mum still come and live with you when he is away and your new partner is there? Honestly, can of worms. Sounds like you would be much better going it alone.

So my friends sister actually did this with her gay best friend!!!!
Whilst co—owning /living with my friend (who moved out when her niece/nephew was under a year)

She said he sister has no regrets per se as head over heels in love with the baby but coparenting was much much harder than she ever envisioned. It’s strained their “friendship’” massively as he was way more hands on and opinionated than she expected and had a lot of (from her perspective) demands…

Tread your carefully.
Single parent - you give up the extra hands and support but you have full control.
Coparenting - you get support but you don’t dictate the terms and everything is a joint decision or compromise…

He is happy us being friends although he has said he would be interested in more, if I every changed my mind. This muddies the waters slightly compared to if he had no interest whatsoever.

Hard no.

Also, when does he buy you this house in your name? When you're shagging? When you're pregnant? Oops, he changed his mind. It only works if he buys you a house before you conceive. In which case he's an enormous mug and just wants you beholden to him.

I find it hard enough to parent my child with my DH, with whom I have a very close and good relationship with. I would definitely not want to coparent with anyone by choice. I know you said finances would be hard but if there's any way to make it work, I would really aim for a sperm donor...

I feel like this would make you EXTREMELY vulnerable, unless you had some kind of briliiant legal agreement in which the boundaries of your relationship ($$, property, sex, parenting decisions, health decisions), need to be binding and crystal clear. And not including things like having his mum come and stay when the baby's born!!

If he wants a baby so bad why doesn't he have one with a woman who wants a relationship? Fat red flag! It's a bit Handmaids Tale isn't it? He's renting your womb with a view to purchasing in future? Blech!!!

Also, in 1984, when I was 14, a boy who liked me but who I only liked as a friend asked me to go and watch U2 with him. I said I couldn't afford it and he offered to pay and I said no thanks, that'd be too much like a date. He insisted no, hand on heart just friends, no strings, it'll be fun. I ignored my gut and went. He tried to hold my hand during Sunday Bloody Sunday and when I rejected him he sulked and said I'd led him on. Very unpleasant rest of the evening.
That night I learnt a lot about men (and another disillusionment was I realised U2 are pure bullshit)!

Jesus, imagine getting the interfering, overbearing mother-in-law without any of the good bits of having a husband. Including sex and friendship and companionship. Horrendous

Thanks for all the great responses, it's been a really good sense check and so very helpful in letting me work through this in my head.

In answer to some questions (sorry if i don't quote names):

I'm 35.

In terms of having the stability and finances to raise children at all at this point, people do it on my course. It would be possible if I had a partner, or even family close by. It's being alone that would make it extremely hard. A sperm donor would be pretty irresponsible at this point for me for that reason. I'm talking night shifts, heavy exam periods. The childcare would be expensive.

I would be earning quite well again once qualified, it's just that both things have happened at once- retraining and needing to think very seriously about having children soon.

The house wouldn't be essential. I have my own rented place that is suitable for a family, it was just part of what he offered me. I can see it might make things messy. Part of what makes me happiest is having my own space and being beholden to nobody, the idea of losing this (such as his family having or feeling they have free access) actually makes me quite anxious.

He is a genuinely nice bloke. I don't want to paint him as anything else. I think he's had trouble meeting women due to his work, mainly. I'm sure his family are nice people too. They're just from a culture of wider family being very involved, tbh, I'm not. I can see that becoming problematic as we would have very different expectations.

Loved the U2 analogy. I think he's pretty accepting that things won't happen between us but it would be a lot of strain on a relationship where one side is hoping for more, even slightly.

I'm definitely keeping looking to meet someone. It's just hard!

Anthurium thanks for your practical advice and congratulations on your little boy. I will consider embryo freezing though, do some extra paid work etc to make it easier to afford.

I'm talking night shifts, heavy exam periods. The childcare would be expensive.
But he's not offering you co-parenting, is he? You said He would come and see the child/ren when not offshore - so who would actually be doing the childcare whilst you're on shift, if you're not paying for it?

He's said he would pay for whatever childcare was needed, even a nanny. By mentioning that his mother would come and stay for long periods, I wonder if he sees that as an alternative at least at first.

None of it is what I really want, tbh, having worked through it more. It just seemed a lot more possible than a sperm donor and I'm wondering if I will have to compromise at some stage if I don't meet anyone.

Do you know how much he actually earns OP and have had proof
Because otherwise all these promises
Are just words